Looking at their Social Media: Pros & Cons

[apocalypsenow]

Pros:

- You can see all the potentials and all the lies laid out before, you so you're not blindsided
- Reminder yourself of who they really are and the stories they fabricate
- In conclusion: A Reality Check

Cons:

- You can see all the potentials and all the lies laid out before you, but it wrecks you
- Finding out they're probably kissing up on another person while they're telling you some vague details or nothing at all
- Sets you back emotionally, feeling like sh*t because you were in some fantasy that they weren't with someone else

It's hard to say which is the best approach.  I have gone months without looking at her social media, and that seems good.  But then when she contacts me and I start responding, I start to get hopeful again.  And so I double check her social media against what she's telling me, and there's always this story on the social media that she portrays, and who she is with.  I don't know what is the truth, but the social media always deflates me and my ego, and makes me feel like I'm just a nothing again and being set up for a fall, like Lucy holding the football out for Charlie Brown.  I'll never get to kick it.

I'm really trying to move on, after two years, but it's so hard.  I haven't met anyone else who even compares with her in terms of magnetic draw and chemistry.  Maybe it's because I was so broken, but it just feels hopeless to meet anyone else that I like just as much, that I feel as compatible with, and I'm too scared to take a chance.  People who haven't dated a pwBPD don't really understand because it's like all they see is the f***ed up parts and the abuse, but they don't see the positive parts of the passion and the all out living and love that was there just as strongly as the bad parts.  And I know it seems so contrary when I say we were so "compatible" like... who is really compatible with a hurricane hummingbird that causes you massive distress and isn't stable in any sense of the word?  But I swear that we were compatible, we were such a good match when we were together, and I believed it, and it's why I still had a stupid sliver of hope.  Sometimes.  Until I look at her social media.

And that's why I say it's both good and bad.  It can be a sobering reality check.  Bad because it dashes your amazing, could have been would have been hopes, and good because it dashes your stupid, worthless, unachievable no way in this century would it happen hopes.

[Lost-love-mind]

 I used to try to keep updated with my exBPD through Social media, but she keeps everything innocuous and never posts new photos.
When we dated and took pics together she made me promise never to use her name.
She was paranoid about everyone (exhubby<s> or hoping to date someone else ?
Any woman that felt electro-magnetic rays from WiFi were giving her headaches (which can happen?)may have too much to concern rather than fb.
My best days are when I focus on myself and not an exBPD.

[Torched]

I'm really trying to move on, after two years, but it's so hard.  I haven't met anyone else who even compares with her in terms of magnetic draw and chemistry.

Honestly, give it an opportunity to go slowly with someone you might have a lot of chemistry with.  Remember falling this way isn't normal because the pwBPD wasn't normal.  I have found someone who I definitely had physical chemistry with (mutually) but the relationship development was NORMAL in that both of us set slow boundaries.  Yes, it didn't feel as "incredible" as my whirlwind BPD one did, but I can tell you that now it is freaking awesome, a year later.  The benefit is that I'm not left guessing about this new person, who they "really" might be, etc.  It feels safe.  Because I did it safely.  And we continue to temper our expectations to make our decision making about the future very careful.

[apocalypsenow]

Honestly, give it an opportunity to go slowly with someone you might have a lot of chemistry with.  Remember falling this way isn't normal because the pwBPD wasn't normal.  I have found someone who I definitely had physical chemistry with (mutually) but the relationship development was NORMAL in that both of us set slow boundaries.  Yes, it didn't feel as "incredible" as my whirlwind BPD one did, but I can tell you that now it is freaking awesome, a year later.  The benefit is that I'm not left guessing about this new person, who they "really" might be, etc.  It feels safe.  Because I did it safely.  And we continue to temper our expectations to make our decision making about the future very careful.

Thank you, Torched, for this advice and relating your experience with dating.  You're right about going slowly, I think I just don't know what is "normal" anymore.  But that actually gives me hope!

beezleconduit - I know, my best days are when I focus on myself too.  Thank you for reminding me of that.

[CottonClouds]

The way you describe it sounds a lot like how I used to feel. The more you avoid her social media the more you will grow as a person and feel better about yourself.

I have gone NC, and now I want the exact opposite of the person I knew with BPD. Calm and mature never seemed so desirable to me before now. I found that after my bad experience, I am now drawn to people who almost bore me, but they don't. Because while they are not familiar or inherently attractive to me, they do feel safe. Very safe, safer than I have ever known. I think I must surround myself with boring people because that is the only way for me to be happy. I already met some people who I think would make great long term friends, before I would not have given them a chance because there was no instant chemistry/nothing that interested me about these types of people. Getting to talk with them though, wow... .

Sometimes the most sane, boring, mature types of people can be the best. I hope you find some too once you decide you hate being on the BPD rollercoaster enough to get off.

~CottonClouds

[once removed]

I haven't met anyone else who even compares with her in terms of magnetic draw and chemistry.  Maybe it's because I was so broken, but it just feels hopeless to meet anyone else that I like just as much, that I feel as compatible with, and I'm too scared to take a chance.  People who haven't dated a pwBPD don't really understand because it's like all they see is the f***ed up parts and the abuse, but they don't see the positive parts of the passion and the all out living and love that was there just as strongly as the bad parts. 

i think for a lot of us that got caught up in these relationships, we mistake intensity for intimacy. these relationships tend to start off where a healthy and sustainable relationship ends up after say, six months to a year. the real foundations of a healthy relationship arent built over night.

And I know it seems so contrary when I say we were so "compatible" like... who is really compatible with a hurricane hummingbird that causes you massive distress and isn't stable in any sense of the word?  But I swear that we were compatible, we were such a good match when we were together, and I believed it

what youre really saying here is that "when it was good it was great, when it was bad it was awful". the two of you may have had a very powerful match and bond, but im not sure that is the same thing as compatibility. compatibility lends itself to resolving these kinds of conflicts, and growing, together, in the process.

as for the social media strategy, it is a bit convoluted. you have hope for rekindling the relationship, you get back in touch and your hopes go up, you check her social media and... .while you may find something that contradicts what youve heard, the hope remains. this is neither letting go, nor working to rekindle the relationship, and until you commit to one or the other, it will keep you stuck. 

[apocalypsenow]

once removed, yes, I do feel stuck.  I have tried NC and that did work during the initial months after break up, and other points of recycles and "other".  But it's not a long term strategy that seems to work for me because she will come around and apologize or whatever, and then I don't feel right ignoring that.  But then LC is also a bit hard because it does keep the contact, albeit low, and it keeps me thinking about her, with slivers of hope.  I don't know how to commit to not having hope?  Or what exactly would I be committing to?  Letting go?  Mostly I have, and I'm living my life fine without her now.  But it's these ruminations and the sliver of hope that seem impossible to get rid of.  I try to focus on myself and just take it day by day, it's just always there like an obsessive thought.

Cotton Clouds - I can see what you're saying about "boring" people that aren't really boring at all.  Maybe I just need to decide to be more open to this.

Thank you all for your advice.