She's in a relationship.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So... .I have a fake FB account and I do check up on her every now and then, and I find that she is in a new relationship with a girl I kind of figured she was in one with so it doesn't surprise me, but... .She always told me that she didn't even know if she could be in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure this girl cheated on her former gf with my ex because she was recently in a relationship before her and my got together (according to FB). 

I know she's been dating around and recently I've seen two of the girls I've suspected on POF.  I knew something was up, when I saw one of them in particular because I really thought she was more into that girl than anyone else. 

What's weird though is that this girl seemed to have left her job right after they got into a relationship.  And now my mind is all running in circles, like... .Does she not have a job?  Because when we were together my ex was mad I didn't  have a job that paid 17.50 or more.  I was trying really hard to find one when we were together.

I'm really curious to see how long this relationship will last.  My guess is 7 months.

Guess I lied about being back on here.  I may need it a bit.

[Shedd]

So... .I have a fake FB account and I do check up on her every now and then, and I find that she is in a new relationship with a girl I kind of figured she was in one with so it doesn't surprise me, but... .She always told me that she didn't even know if she could be in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure this girl cheated on her former gf with my ex because she was recently in a relationship before her and my got together (according to FB). 

I know she's been dating around and recently I've seen two of the girls I've suspected on POF.  I knew something was up, when I saw one of them in particular because I really thought she was more into that girl than anyone else. 

What's weird though is that this girl seemed to have left her job right after they got into a relationship.  And now my mind is all running in circles, like... .Does she not have a job?  Because when we were together my ex was mad I didn't  have a job that paid 17.50 or more.  I was trying really hard to find one when we were together.

I'm really curious to see how long this relationship will last.  My guess is 7 months.

Guess I lied about being back on here.  I may need it a bit.

[Hisaccount]

You are stuck.

I totally understand why you want to know what is going on with her, we all go through that. Just try to stay grounded and don't let it destroy you.
She is the broken one, not you.

If you can keep perspective on it, then sit back and enjoy the show.

If it starts to trigger you, well then stop it.

[Shedd]

You are stuck.

How do you get unstuck? Without a rebound?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

So... .I have a fake FB account and I do check up on her every now and then

I think this is the first issue. I know it's hard to let someone go but having a fake account and checking up on her won't help you to move on. It seems you're still emotionally invested in someone who isn't emotionally invested in you.  I agree it sounds like you're stuck. Being stuck sucks. A rebound person is not a healthy way to go, IMO. Personally, I believe the best way is to stop checking up on her. Get a hobby maybe. Find fun things to occupy your time. Fight the urge to check up on her. I know it's not easy but it'll get easier with time. Take care of yourself.

[Skip]

How do you get unstuck? Without a rebound?

We tried to talk about here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315819.msg12906674#msg12906674

At the time you, you made the argument :

No contact is the solution.  It does work!

I have not contacted her for 3 months, and am finally finding myself again. I couldn't with her always peering over my shoulder.  Every relationship I tried to get into failed because she was still in my life.

The challenge for all of us is to be more emotionally nature in the breakup and recovery that we were in the relationship. A big part of that is doing the work. Learning about human nature. Learning about ourselves. Learning about love.

No contact is not a solution. You are proof of that (and the point I was making) Writing off the entire Lesbian population as unfit for relationships, is not the solution. Getting into a rebound relationship is not the solution. Nor is drinking, waiting it out, learning to knit, or getting a haircut.

You have to solve this one in your head. That is why many of us are here. Working through that together. 

[Shedd]

  Skip

Yeah, well, I'm still doing really well even though I know she's in a relationship.  I wasn't sabotaging the entire lesbian population I was just saying it feels that way to me, but it feels that way with every relationship gay or straight.  

I have been doing a lot better.  I don't think I'm as stuck as I used to be like you guys are saying.

[Hisaccount]

It sounds like you were just kind of posting so we can all laugh together but instead, being on this website, most of us view everyone as in crisis mode.

For me getting unstuck at so many different points took different things. One thing I loved doing was purging. Walking through the house finding anything that reminded me of her and throwing it away. With every item it was like I took back some control over my life. It was also one less memory.

Finding a new hobby, it exposes you to new things, and things that were never shared with your ex. So the entire adventure is all you and a pleasant distraction.

Horror movies are good, because you can always say, "at least I don't have it as bad as that guy"

When you go out to a restaurant, what is your favorite food? Figure out how to make it at home. (without your ex telling you that you are doing it wrong)

Everyday is a new challenge, accept it and conquer it. Fill your head with so many other things that there is no room for your ex.

It is a marathon not a sprint. The real you will prevail. One day you will wake up and realize you were too good for her anyway.

[Skip]

Fill your head with so many other things that there is no room for your ex.

If I may, I'm going to challenge this. This is an advanced board.

Is recovery mostly about bidding our time until the emotional hurt eventually goes away?  Is it about jumping into another intense relationship, to replace hurt feeling with new love interest?

I ask this, because many members who try the first tactic, are back here years later still struggling. Many who came here initially followed the second.

Is bidding our time, and/or jumping into another intense relationship, a prescription for finding ourselves in a more loving and a more mature future?

I'm asking this in gerneral - not focused at OP or HA. 

 

[Hisaccount]

That is exactly correct. It is not a fix or a solution. It is a survival tactic.

[takingandsending]

When you go out to a restaurant, what is your favorite food? Figure out how to make it at home. (without your ex telling you that you are doing it wrong)

   This one made me laugh and wince. I have been baking stuff with my kids, and I totally enjoy doing it without having my ex look over my shoulder and tell me what I am doing wrong or "helpful" crazy controlling suggestions of how to do it better. My kids like baking with me because I let them know I don't know what the heck I am doing, so if we make mistakes, we enjoy it more.

As far as getting unstuck, I am still in recovery process, so I don't know that I have answers. I think I try to address the grief and loss and look at what brought me into the relationship and similar past relationships. Honestly, I just want to make friends with myself for now and have a vague hope that if I can start treating myself better, I will find the courage to be in a healthier relationship than dating someone who has to need me. And I totally confuse/conflate a person having needs and me being needed. My personal sickness.

[Pretty Woman]

Shedd, if you are still monitoring her from a fake account you are still stuck.

I occasionally do the same and I can admit, I am stuck. That is why I am still on this board.

I went on to find a HEALTHY relationship with a member of our community and I am still stuck... .

and at some point you have to take responsibility that there are things YOU need to work on within yourself.

Girl, I get it. I understand how you feel. It hurts to watch them move on but she has. When we obsess over it, we halt our lives while they are living theirs.

You may never get the answers or closure you are looking for. BPD's don't do closure. You need to find that within yourself. What is so special about this person who treated you so deplorably?

You deserve better. Deep down you know I am right here.

And don't write off the lesbian population. Yes, there is a high incidence of emotional disorders in our community (esp since sexual fluidity tends to be one of the characteristics of BPD---not for all but some) and it runs more rampant in the female demographic, but I can honestly say... .

There are women out there that will treat you like gold. I have one. Right now I think she deserves better than me, because I am still stuck at times but it's getting better.

You need to pull focus off her and work on YOU to get over this. It's the only way. Take it from someone who has been out of this 3yrs. It still feels like yesterday some days but I will say the longer I don't see her and have gotten back into my life the better things have been.

Overall life is not too shabby.

Hang in there! And BTW... .checking FB is contact albeit indirectly.

 
PW