My ex is 30 and I’m 31 but she latched on to a 23 year old kid

[Lostinanother]

Is there rhyme and reason to what kind of person the pwBPD moves on with?
My ex is 30 and I’m 31 but she latched on to a 23 year old kid she met on holiday as my replacement... .
It really makes me wonder

[Hisaccount]

Don't think there is a certain type of person, or age or anything like that.

Part of the idealization phase is they convince themselves of things that are not true about the other person. He was nice to her, or gave her the attention needed and so she started viewing him as perfect. Just like she viewed you at one time.

That is a pretty high bar to live up to and her world will come crashing down again.

[Lostinanother]

But when she talked about him, it just sounded as though she was bored and he was someone to talk to... .

[Hisaccount]

That could be all it is.
But really is she going to tell you the truth, even if she knew what it was? She may not know. She sees a shinny object that holds her attention for now. She runs to it. Like a dog chasing a ball.

[Lostinanother]

I’ve heard a lot of people say that pwBPD downgrade with their next replacement because they pick someone who is easier to manipulate... .could this be true?

My ex also picked replacements who are LDR... .This is also something that makes me wonder... .

Also, what about the difference in relationship lengths. I know that I was my ex’s relationship at 2 years, where as her longest previous relationship was 6 months.

Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas about these points?

Thanks

[enlighten me]

There are so many variables but the one constant is that the replacement provides whatever it is the pwBPD needs at the time.

With my two uBPD exs the usual pattern of idolisation to discard occurred. My ex wife replaced me with someone who at the time she thought would idolise her and lavish her with gifts. My exgf was cheating on me and was enjoying all the attention she got.

Fast forward to today and my ex wifes husband turned out to be a narcissistic cheat who controls her. My exgf has had numerous failed relationships and is generally unhappy.

Their cycles will repeat just on different time scales. The replacements might seem to be a downgrade to us but we have a different grading system to them.

[once removed]

Is there rhyme and reason to what kind of person the pwBPD moves on with?

no. there are millions of people with this disorder, all of them with completely unique backgrounds and differences in what they are attracted to, like you and me.

she met on holiday as my replacement... .

impulsivity is something that people with BPD in general have in common. when someone who is impulsive finds someone that they are attracted to and interested in dating, they are likely to go all in quickly.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that pwBPD downgrade with their next replacement because they pick someone who is easier to manipulate... .could this be true?

no, just wishful thinking. think about it: "im going to date someone less attractive than my previous partner so that i can more easily manipulate them" (as if looks correlate with malleability). does anyone have that thought process?

My ex also picked replacements who are LDR... .

you might want to read about the reasons people (in general) choose long distance relationships. there can be factors there, for both parties.

Also, what about the difference in relationship lengths.

we have members who have been in relationships for decades, or a matter of a couple of months. reading between the lines a bit, are you wondering if because your relationship lasted longer, means you were a more significant ex?

[Lostinanother]

Once removed,

Yeah maybe. I am wondering what that meant. She is 30 and I was her longest relationship at 2 years, so does that mean that I was easier to manipulate and put up with more crap than her other exes? Or does it mean I was more important to her because I wasn’t discarded as quickly... .
what are your thoughts?

[once removed]

Yeah maybe. I am wondering what that meant. She is 30 and I was her longest relationship at 2 years, so does that mean that I was easier to manipulate and put up with more crap than her other exes?

i cant compare you to her exes as i dont know them. were you easy to manipulate?

what i can say is that 30 is a young, and generally immature age (i say that as someone who is 31). id chock it up to little more than the fact that a lot of people at that age will have a history of failed relationships, and ideally, by that age, they are starting to get a bit more stable, a bit longer.

Or does it mean I was more important to her because I wasn’t discarded as quickly... .

it could suggest lots of things. id remove the "discarded" pathology from it. her relationships ended, for whatever reason, just as all of us can say. it might suggest that however dysfunctional as a couple you were, you were more compatible than her previous relationships were.

in other words, i dont think this goes very deep or compares to her previous relationships, i think it just is what it is.

[Lostinanother]

I think that I am, to be honest, quite deluded.
Even my ex treated me like ___, and stopped speaking to me days ago, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was waiting for some kind of of communication... .why? I really don’t know. I know the relationship I had with her is completely dead and I know I wouldn’t want her back because in the end I saw that she didn’t love me the way she said she did... .She checked out of the relationship months ago while still pretending to be into me while searching for a replacement and once she had found someone who would give her their undivided attention I was dropped like a hot potatoe. So why the hell am I still waiting for some kind of communication.
I can only think it is because of my ego and wanting some kind of validation.
I am moving on slowly and slowly purging myself and getting back to my old self but still I wait. And still I think about her... .
It’s pathetic and does make me feel like a loser like you said... .
I guess I’m still far from recovery I guess

[Skip]

When I first met her I fell in love straight away. She was exactly my type. she had a fiancé at the time but we had sex the first night and met each other nearly everyday night. The first red flag was she wasn't breaking up with her fiancé. I told her that she needed to tell him because it wasn't right. I found out that she had a boyfriend before me whom she was also cheating on her fiancé with. So for the next month I kept telling her to tell the fiancé about us. He lived in another state so was completely clueless. I had a feeling she was monkey branching with me and him. Finally at my insistence she broke up with him a month later... .

After the first 6 months we had an argument about our future, she wanted to marry but it was too soon for me, we both decided to take a break for a couple of weeks, but not break up… A few weeks later on my birthday she didn’t meet me though and didn’t answer my phone calls. The next morning she said she was drinking with female coworkers but I had a really strong gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Slowly she trickle truthed me. She was drinking with girls but there was one guy... .

I a very difficult way, you are fortunate. You know that this women cheated on her fiance' with at least two men, she cheated on you with at least two men, and she sounds to be on the road to doing more... .

I'm not sure you can write this all off to "typical BPD". It's not. This is a person that can attract men easily and has has no strong connection to them, even if she is engaged. There are some serious attachment issues here. She is not looking for a serious relationship (in a serious way).

Why a 23 partner? He is probably interesting in some way.

[itgetsbetter94]

Your ex and I have a very similar life story. I'm also 30, my ex fiance was 31 and I fell for a kid of 23 during the holidays. But karma did bite me on the ass, trust me. The kid of 23 turbed out to have BPD and depression and was mentally ill for a long time and left me just when the ex fiance has started vanishing from the horizon. I can't even complain. There's some divine justice in that. Now I'm alone, abandoned by both of them and reflecting should I continue to live or no. Also, I'm not sure whether I also have BPD. I certainly have some simptoms, although I would say I'm lower on the spectrum, if I am on one. That would explain series of my broken relationships and personal issues.