Looking at long term r/s history - attachments styles

[Depression = 72% of members]

My r/s attachment style has been secure consistently over time. I invest in a LTR but I need alone time and am not prone to jealousy, am fine with my SO having male and platonic female friends as long as he’s loyal to me. I prefer both me and SO having our own lives and interests along with those things we share. I’ve spent about half my adult life in monogamous r/s (at least I was and they said they were fwiw), most of this time was w/ex-H, a couple other 2-3 years each, spaced out. Last one nine years ago.

During the stretches on my own, I’ve dated casually, but probably spent most of this time, 10 years plus, on hiatus by choice, dating/ r/s was not a priority (busy career period) or I didn't meet anyone I was attracted to.

The longer term r/s’s were with people who, while each was quite different from the others, all seemed to have more anxious attachment styles. I can enjoy someone’s company but if I don’t feel that his stakes are high, there’s no spark. His attitude reads as indifference even if he expresses romantic intentions. To me, we might be brother and sister.

I’m wondering if this secure/anxious combination is because I’m independent and comfortable on my own, so it takes someone knocking clearly at my door to open up and invite them in. Or because I enjoy nurturing or respond to feeling needed. Or if someone’s style is “anxious” it reads to me as passion... .Or maybe a combination thereof. There’s talk here of “healthy or unhealthy,” and I get the appeal intellectually. At the same time, where there’s passion there is at least a drop of madness, and one man’s crazy is another’s quirky.   Regardless, I don’t believe at this point that my wiring can be changed.

Can anyone relate or want to explore this idea with me?

[spacecadet]

My r/s attachment style has been secure consistently over time. I invest in a LTR but I need alone time and am not prone to jealousy, am fine with my SO having male and platonic female friends as long as he’s loyal to me. I prefer both me and SO having our own lives and interests along with those things we share. I’ve spent about half my adult life in monogamous r/s (at least I was and they said they were fwiw), most of this time was w/ex-H, a couple other 2-3 years each, spaced out. Last one nine years ago.

During the stretches on my own, I’ve dated casually, but probably spent most of this time, 10 years plus, on hiatus by choice, dating/ r/s was not a priority (busy career period) or I didn't meet anyone I was attracted to.

The longer term r/s’s were with people who, while each was quite different from the others, all seemed to have more anxious attachment styles. I can enjoy someone’s company but if I don’t feel that his stakes are high, there’s no spark. His attitude reads as indifference even if he expresses romantic intentions. To me, we might be brother and sister.

I’m wondering if this secure/anxious combination is because I’m independent and comfortable on my own, so it takes someone knocking clearly at my door to open up and invite them in. Or because I enjoy nurturing or respond to feeling needed. Or if someone’s style is “anxious” it reads to me as passion... .Or maybe a combination thereof. There’s talk here of “healthy or unhealthy,” and I get the appeal intellectually. At the same time, where there’s passion there is at least a drop of madness, and one man’s crazy is another’s quirky.   Regardless, I don’t believe at this point that my wiring can be changed.

Can anyone relate or want to explore this idea with me?

[Meili]

I have what I consider to be a very similar problem. (I was shocked to learn that my primary attachment style is secure.)

For me, low self-image has played a major role in my relationship choices. Being the male, in the US, I'm expected to be the one to make the first move. I don't. This has meant that my dating pool is limited to women who are willing to approach and proposition me.

For the most part, my thought process has been that if a woman overtly (I am obtuse and don't see the subtle, flirtatious hints... .my daughter laughs at me when it happens because I just don't get it) approaches me, I assume that she's secure and self-confident. The average lifespan of my relationships is five years.

Looking back over my life however, I have discovered that it is mostly because I tolerate a lot of bad behavior from women (remember that low self-image thing?... .that comes back to haunt me). I am attracted to anxious attachment women.

[Skip]

The longer term r/s’s were with people who, while each was quite different from the others, all seemed to have more anxious attachment styles. I can enjoy someone’s company but if I don’t feel that his stakes are high, there’s no spark. His attitude reads as indifference even if he expresses romantic intentions. To me, we might be brother and sister.

I’m wondering if this secure/anxious combination is because I’m independent and comfortable on my own, so it takes someone knocking clearly at my door to open up and invite them in. Or because I enjoy nurturing or respond to feeling needed... .

It could be the bonding of a co-dependent... .that you are subconsciously attracted to the anxious attachment styles and all the interactions that entails.

I'm not suggesting that you are codependent, I'm just suggesting that you explore that possibility too.