Ex-Boyfriend Stringing Me Along Post Breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was with my narcissistic and borderline ex-boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He has strung me along for a little over 3 years. For anonymity's sake, I'll refer to my ex as "M." M and I had been through numerous trials and tribulations, yet, despite everything, I believed he did sincerely care for me. Some factors which were stressors in our relationship: a medical abortion (I was severely ill and had to terminate), long distance (lived about 6 hours away from one another), financial restraints, and my sometimes overbearing family. Other hardships were M's rampant insecurities. For example, he picked fights whenever I'd leave after visiting him. I realize this was due to his fear of abandonment, however, M could be cruel. He'd bring up painful past memories (such as my first boyfriend giving me an herpes) and my previous sexual partners (all former relationships) as evidence that I was promiscuous or a whore. Basically, he was transferring his fear of being cheated on, thanks to a previous partner, onto me. I'd end up sobbing on Skype after numerous hangup calls apologizing for my past etc.

M would even pick apart my financial situation. I had been a substitute para educator, but he'd be upset if I ever chose a job over seeing him or Skyping. When I had lost our child, obviously working with children became a trigger. Again, when I went away he'd call me "useless." Imply I was only using him for money and had no higher aspirations for my life. Basically, I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. Despite his controlling behavior, I worked with since he had an abusive past (due to his previous girlfriend and abusive father). This father was a deadbeat dad that physically abused M and his brothers, beat their mother, flaunted mistresses, and self-medicated his diagnosed bipolar disorder. I also believed him whenever he'd break down crying or look at me sincerely and say, "I love you. Whenever I threaten breaking up it isn't because I mean it. I'm just afraid everything's going to eventually fall apart and you'll leave."

Last December I had visited M as well as his family for his birthday. This occurred a week before Christmas. He'd had erratic behavior back in September, so he'd been especially thoughtful because of it. Said behavior was wanting a break after celebrating our 2nd year anniversary. It came out of the blue and I knew it had to do with an infatuation with another coworker, which occasionally happened. It was two weeks of torture until he had me visit to apologize as well as reconcile. Well, after spending over 8 hrs on a bus to see him, he broke up with me. Said he hadn't loved me since September. I was shocked considering he had an apartment he'd picked out for us ready, I had a job already lined up, had me pick out things for our apartment recently, and mentioned a promise ring which would represent an eventual proposal on our 3rd anniversary. I was with him for three days and he bounced from breaking up, to loving me, to this is simply a "break," and even discussing our future living together. Imagine how awful I felt when the day after his birthday (after exchanging both Christmas and birthday presents) he put me on a bus home as if I were an embarrassment. Would not kiss me, did not reciprocate a hug, nor stay to watch me board.

I later learned he got into a relationship with an unstable coworker. This is girl cheats in every relationship, has severe temper tantrums, is manipulative, and genuinely bad news. Yet, despite casually dating this girl "K," M kept reaching out. He'd range from angry (almost flaunting their escapades in my face), to remorseful, emotional (saying "do you still have feelings," "are you still single," and "I miss you", and flirty. I.E. he wanted pictures of me and reminisced about our intimacy etc. He would also try to initiate Skype, but I declined his offer after awhile. I did not want to hear about his fwb, especially when he talked about her with such disgust. I mean, bad enough you're acting like you want to reconcile, but you're with someone you don't actually like? What the hell?

K and M became official in February, but M kept initiating contact with me. Yes, I should have cut the cord back in December. I take responsibility for this. However, I believed he was simply self destructing as he had done before. I had gotten used to his push and pull mentality. It also made sense he'd self sabotage since we were so close to finally being together full time. For 9 months M made me believe K was a rebound. Besides saying he missed me as well as wanting intimate pictures, he would repeatedly hack into my FB. He'd even try to access my Google account. Like a true emotional abuser, M didn't like the idea of me moving on either, often getting belligerent at the idea of me dating. Well, last Sunday K messaged me from M's phone. M and I hadn't spoken since September 8th. I had sent a "hope you're doing well" message the previous evening, but it was honestly to prove to myself he was done. Anyway, K was about as toxic, ignorant, and selfish as one would associate with the "other woman" stereotype. I did defend myself and remained calm, yet I learned a devastating truth: K had given birth to M's child.

It all clicked then. Why everything fell apart as well as M's behavior. He had been unfaithful with K and got her knocked up. Instead of doing the decent thing of telling me so as to allow me to make an informed decision, he had kept me in the dark. He had devalued, manipulated me, and lied for 9 months while prolonging the belief that, eventually, he'd return. I was flabbergasted. I ending up blocking K. I was disgusted by her. In her messages to me she admitted to using the baby as a means to secure herself a family and a man. Having lost a child with M, this especially upset me since K was using an innocent baby as an accessory. As for M, he sent me a message on Monday that I read in my blocked messages folder. He denied we ever got back together in September, but we were fwb. He also said he got K pregnant in December, but it doesn't match how old their baby is (so another lie). The worst sentence was this, "Maybe if you had done something with your life in the last 2 years that aborted kid would be here." Essentially, he was blaming me for his poor choices as well as the loss of our baby. He then told me never to speak to him, K, or his family again. I've been reeling ever since.

Thankfully, I've been in therapy since the initial break-up. Both my therapist and psychiatrist believe M will always come back. I even relayed the finality of these events during my last therapy session and, again, my therapist said, "There's a pattern here with M. I don't think he'll stop." For now I feel like he's definitely closed the door on us for good. I'll never get an apology or any sort of I chose poorly conversation. There's a part of me that desires this, but there is an even bigger part of me that is anxious thinking about it. I simply do not understand why M did what he did or treated me as he did during the relationship. Yes, I have learned a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism, yet I remain confused. I truly thought he valued us, our relationship and future. If he didn't then why all the deceit? I feel as if I was only around to boost his self esteem. I also feel hollow wondering how he could be happy with the kind of woman he always raged against.

If any of you have any insights, please, let me know. Do you think my therapist and psychiatrist are right? Should I prepare myself for some weird future contact? Or do you think I've been devalued enough that he's forever out of my life. If not, how can I prepare myself emotionally for any sort of confrontation? Currently, it is as though I am lost at sea and close to drowning. The pain of his betrayal has left me in a fog of confusion I can't seem to get out of. What more could he want from me? And why wasn't anything I gave him enough? All I know is it would seem I loved a stranger. I am in love with a ghost.

[JWebb88]

I was with my narcissistic and borderline ex-boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He has strung me along for a little over 3 years. For anonymity's sake, I'll refer to my ex as "M." M and I had been through numerous trials and tribulations, yet, despite everything, I believed he did sincerely care for me. Some factors which were stressors in our relationship: a medical abortion (I was severely ill and had to terminate), long distance (lived about 6 hours away from one another), financial restraints, and my sometimes overbearing family. Other hardships were M's rampant insecurities. For example, he picked fights whenever I'd leave after visiting him. I realize this was due to his fear of abandonment, however, M could be cruel. He'd bring up painful past memories (such as my first boyfriend giving me an herpes) and my previous sexual partners (all former relationships) as evidence that I was promiscuous or a whore. Basically, he was transferring his fear of being cheated on, thanks to a previous partner, onto me. I'd end up sobbing on Skype after numerous hangup calls apologizing for my past etc.

M would even pick apart my financial situation. I had been a substitute para educator, but he'd be upset if I ever chose a job over seeing him or Skyping. When I had lost our child, obviously working with children became a trigger. Again, when I went away he'd call me "useless." Imply I was only using him for money and had no higher aspirations for my life. Basically, I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. Despite his controlling behavior, I worked with since he had an abusive past (due to his previous girlfriend and abusive father). This father was a deadbeat dad that physically abused M and his brothers, beat their mother, flaunted mistresses, and self-medicated his diagnosed bipolar disorder. I also believed him whenever he'd break down crying or look at me sincerely and say, "I love you. Whenever I threaten breaking up it isn't because I mean it. I'm just afraid everything's going to eventually fall apart and you'll leave."

Last December I had visited M as well as his family for his birthday. This occurred a week before Christmas. He'd had erratic behavior back in September, so he'd been especially thoughtful because of it. Said behavior was wanting a break after celebrating our 2nd year anniversary. It came out of the blue and I knew it had to do with an infatuation with another coworker, which occasionally happened. It was two weeks of torture until he had me visit to apologize as well as reconcile. Well, after spending over 8 hrs on a bus to see him, he broke up with me. Said he hadn't loved me since September. I was shocked considering he had an apartment he'd picked out for us ready, I had a job already lined up, had me pick out things for our apartment recently, and mentioned a promise ring which would represent an eventual proposal on our 3rd anniversary. I was with him for three days and he bounced from breaking up, to loving me, to this is simply a "break," and even discussing our future living together. Imagine how awful I felt when the day after his birthday (after exchanging both Christmas and birthday presents) he put me on a bus home as if I were an embarrassment. Would not kiss me, did not reciprocate a hug, nor stay to watch me board.

I later learned he got into a relationship with an unstable coworker. This is girl cheats in every relationship, has severe temper tantrums, is manipulative, and genuinely bad news. Yet, despite casually dating this girl "K," M kept reaching out. He'd range from angry (almost flaunting their escapades in my face), to remorseful, emotional (saying "do you still have feelings," "are you still single," and "I miss you", and flirty. I.E. he wanted pictures of me and reminisced about our intimacy etc. He would also try to initiate Skype, but I declined his offer after awhile. I did not want to hear about his fwb, especially when he talked about her with such disgust. I mean, bad enough you're acting like you want to reconcile, but you're with someone you don't actually like? What the hell?

K and M became official in February, but M kept initiating contact with me. Yes, I should have cut the cord back in December. I take responsibility for this. However, I believed he was simply self destructing as he had done before. I had gotten used to his push and pull mentality. It also made sense he'd self sabotage since we were so close to finally being together full time. For 9 months M made me believe K was a rebound. Besides saying he missed me as well as wanting intimate pictures, he would repeatedly hack into my FB. He'd even try to access my Google account. Like a true emotional abuser, M didn't like the idea of me moving on either, often getting belligerent at the idea of me dating. Well, last Sunday K messaged me from M's phone. M and I hadn't spoken since September 8th. I had sent a "hope you're doing well" message the previous evening, but it was honestly to prove to myself he was done. Anyway, K was about as toxic, ignorant, and selfish as one would associate with the "other woman" stereotype. I did defend myself and remained calm, yet I learned a devastating truth: K had given birth to M's child.

It all clicked then. Why everything fell apart as well as M's behavior. He had been unfaithful with K and got her knocked up. Instead of doing the decent thing of telling me so as to allow me to make an informed decision, he had kept me in the dark. He had devalued, manipulated me, and lied for 9 months while prolonging the belief that, eventually, he'd return. I was flabbergasted. I ending up blocking K. I was disgusted by her. In her messages to me she admitted to using the baby as a means to secure herself a family and a man. Having lost a child with M, this especially upset me since K was using an innocent baby as an accessory. As for M, he sent me a message on Monday that I read in my blocked messages folder. He denied we ever got back together in September, but we were fwb. He also said he got K pregnant in December, but it doesn't match how old their baby is (so another lie). The worst sentence was this, "Maybe if you had done something with your life in the last 2 years that aborted kid would be here." Essentially, he was blaming me for his poor choices as well as the loss of our baby. He then told me never to speak to him, K, or his family again. I've been reeling ever since.

Thankfully, I've been in therapy since the initial break-up. Both my therapist and psychiatrist believe M will always come back. I even relayed the finality of these events during my last therapy session and, again, my therapist said, "There's a pattern here with M. I don't think he'll stop." For now I feel like he's definitely closed the door on us for good. I'll never get an apology or any sort of I chose poorly conversation. There's a part of me that desires this, but there is an even bigger part of me that is anxious thinking about it. I simply do not understand why M did what he did or treated me as he did during the relationship. Yes, I have learned a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism, yet I remain confused. I truly thought he valued us, our relationship and future. If he didn't then why all the deceit? I feel as if I was only around to boost his self esteem. I also feel hollow wondering how he could be happy with the kind of woman he always raged against.

If any of you have any insights, please, let me know. Do you think my therapist and psychiatrist are right? Should I prepare myself for some weird future contact? Or do you think I've been devalued enough that he's forever out of my life. If not, how can I prepare myself emotionally for any sort of confrontation? Currently, it is as though I am lost at sea and close to drowning. The pain of his betrayal has left me in a fog of confusion I can't seem to get out of. What more could he want from me? And why wasn't anything I gave him enough? All I know is it would seem I loved a stranger. I am in love with a ghost.

[Lostinanother]

In love with a ghost... .

I had exactly the same sentiments about my two year relationship, J.
I guess it’s true that everyone on this board are all on the same liferaft... .

I really don’t know how to give you advice because I’m lost aswell.

But know that you’re not alone and there are people going through the same things as you and having the same feelings.

[JWebb88]

In love with a ghost... .

I had exactly the same sentiments about my two year relationship, J.
I guess it’s true that everyone on this board are all on the same liferaft... .

I really don’t know how to give you advice because I’m lost aswell.

But know that you’re not alone and there are people going through the same things as you and having the same feelings.

Your support, knowing I'm not alone, it's helped. I appreciate your kindness. Thank you.

[Lostinanother]

No problem, J.

I wanted to say the obvious thing; that this guy is obviously a disgusting human being and any relationship with him would be poison and extremely damaging to you, so you should go NC forever and find someone who will love you and be honest and be real and care about you because they are out there. There are loads of guys who would love to have the opportunity your ex had... .
But I also know you’re the same as me and it’s alot more difficult to understand that all the love and time you invested has been so easily squandered and used and you want answers. You want to know if anything was real.
But please know the above advice is true.

[JWebb88]

No problem, J.

I wanted to say the obvious thing; that this guy is obviously a disgusting human being and any relationship with him would be poison and extremely damaging to you, so you should go NC forever and find someone who will love you and be honest and be real and care about you because they are out there. There are loads of guys who would love to have the opportunity your ex had... .
But I also know you’re the same as me and it’s alot more difficult to understand that all the love and time you invested has been so easily squandered and used and you want answers. You want to know if anything was real.
But please know the above advice is true.

You're right, I am struggling. I truly love M. May always carry him in my heart, even when I meet someone new. However, trying to maneuver the minefield of his mind isn't something I can do. It's like trying to decipher an unknown ancient language without any sort of cipher. It's impossible.

My only consolation is I did everything I could for him. Now M must lie in the miserable bed he has made for himself. K, much like M, isn't mentally stable and is also extremely manipulative as well. I imagine they both are in a hell of their own making together. It only serves them right really. In the meantime, I'm going to continue focusing on myself as well as therapy. M won't get the last laugh, I will. I intend to be happy.

Again, thank you so much for your kind words. Your compassion has helped me feel less isolated during such a difficult time.

[Lostinanother]

J,

Of course. I know it’s hard because like you I’m just coming out of the fog. It’s been 3 months since break up and it was almost a week NC. But I really feel in a better place and you will too.

You’ll find someone who really appreciates you and you’ll be able to start a loving family with that person.

Don’t feel isolated. There are always people on this board to help or you can private message me anytime. Talk about isolated, I’m an Englishman in Korea

[JWebb88]

J,

Of course. I know it’s hard because like you I’m just coming out of the fog. It’s been 3 months since break up and it was almost a week NC. But I really feel in a better place and you will too.

You’ll find someone who really appreciates you and you’ll be able to start a loving family with that person.

Don’t feel isolated. There are always people on this board to help or you can private message me anytime. Talk about isolated, I’m an Englishman in Korea

Thank you for your kind words Lostinanother. I may just end up messaging you. Although I do have therapy, the people in my personal life don't seem to fully understand what I'm going through. It might be nice to communicate with someone who has/is going through an intense BPD breakup.

However, you know what I find incredibly pathetic? There is a part of me that remains hurt at M's silence. Even upset that hasn't tried to reach out yet. Rationally, I know he has washed his hands of me and should be relieved of it, but I cannot seem to turn my heart against him. Somehow, I still love M. Despite every horrible act he has committed, I continue to miss him. I wonder what that says about me as a person? Probably nothing good.

Anyway, I appreciated your support. Thank you.

[Lostinanother]

Read my posts J
We are ALL feeling the same way