Something's wrong with me? Pursuing BPD ex the thrill of the chase

[soonbefree]

My uBPD exbf is a waif. Our 9 months relationship was mostly sunny. He adored and highly idealized me. I was like a replacement for his mom whom he loathed. I was the love and care he never had. Until I might made a wrong move and he was slowly pushed me away and ended all 2 months ago.

I was devastated until I found everything about pwBPD. Then I realized it was not him leaving me but all because of the illness. It soothed me a bit. I started dating some 5-6 guys but seems nothing compares to my ex, all seems plain and predictable. With my uBPD exbf all the passion, the mystery, the neverending  guessworks, the challenge, all is interesting and never get bored.

Is something wrong with me? is it because of the thrill of the chase?
I love having a bf whom I can lean on, sharing and getting advice from. These are impossible to have with my ex as he avoids any stressfull situation, but still... .
I am an independent and financialy stable woman, btw.

In order not to reach him and stay NC, should I perceive him as dangerous ala male Glenn Close? But he never rage to the point I once said to him, you never get angry and I want to see you get mad. As ironic as it was. We did not live together, he might wear mask in front of me. I don't think he ever harm himself, his BPD traits are intense mood swings and boredom, lack self regulation, pouty and sulking, low self esteem and self loathing, he does not have many or close friends.

What to do? Many times I was tempted to text him. Should I run and never look back or may be give it another try... .?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

What we think that you should do is of no consequence, what do you think that you should do?

I went through a similar experience. I questioned whether or not I wanted my x back because I loved the thrill of it all or if I loved her. I decided that I loved both. You and I are not alone in asking these questions. Many others have posted wondering the same things. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you because you want something interesting and unpredictable in your life.

Is he the one that you want in your life? If so, then why NC? Not communicating would sure make it more difficult to reach your goal wouldn't it?

[soonbefree]

Thanks a lot for your reply Meili  

Is he the one that you want in your life?

A thousand times yes excluding his BPD, a bit less than that with his BPD, but still yes 

If so, then why NC? Not communicating would sure make it more difficult to reach your goal wouldn't it?

He deleted me on chats but I can send SMS text still because SMS can't be removed as long as he doesn't change his number. We texted once on my birthday, he wished for my future happiness.
He ignored me, I was so angry and called him bad names, that was when all hell broke loose, I was not forgiven. Just before NC  he said he will not find replacement he feels so fed up with romance relationship and also said was not sure he can have a girl as good as me in the future.

[soonbefree]

So about 2 weeks ago I met this cute, smart and nice guy. He is my customer, running his own business.
He looks like every girl's dream about a partner. Damn, the attractiveness is nothing compares to my BPD ex. After all he did to me, I am baffled of why my ex is still so enchanting...

[Meili]

A thousand times yes excluding his BPD, a bit less than that with his BPD, but still yes 

Accepting the BPD traits is part of accepting the person; they are one in the same.

Have you reached out to him since then just ask him how he's doing or something friendly like that?

After all he did to me, I am baffled of why my ex is still so enchanting...

There is a very long list of why this could be.  But, that list is probably not important as long as you still want to have those feelings.

What is important now is focusing on yourself and developing the emotional strength to make yourself as attractive to him as possible and not do things like blow-up when he ignores you.

[soonbefree]

Have you reached out to him since then just ask him how he's doing or something friendly like that?

Yes once. We had a business to settle. That was on my birthday and surprisingly he remembered and wished me a happy future.

and not do things like blow-up when he ignores you.

That's tough. But I might want to try.

[Meili]

Many of us struggle with finding the strength to not react emotionally when dealing with our pwBPD. But, that's one of the things that we must do in these relationships, and why we talk about thinking with a Wisemind. Too much logic or too much emotional thinking causes problems.

It is generally recommended that people don't reach out until they are in a place where they believe that they can be strong enough to not respond out of emotion.

[soonbefree]

If eventually I reconcile with him, one thing for sure, that I will not lose myself, my identity. I am very comfortable with my own self. Nothing and nobody can change me to become someone else.