BPD Ex-Boyfriend Hacked My Facebook

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To give everyone some backstory, here's the cliff notes version of our relationship:

I was with my narcissistic and borderline ex-boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He has strung me along for a little over 3 years. Last December I had visited M as well as his family for his birthday (we were LDR). Well, after spending over 8 hrs on a bus to see him, he broke up with me. Said he hadn't loved me since September. I was shocked considering he had an apartment he'd picked out for us ready, I had a job already lined up, had me pick out things for our apartment recently, and mentioned a promise ring which would represent an eventual proposal on our 3rd anniversary.

I later learned he got into a relationship with an unstable coworker. This is girl cheats in every relationship, has severe temper tantrums, is manipulative, and genuinely bad news. Yet, despite casually dating this girl "K," M kept reaching out. He'd range from angry (almost flaunting their escapades in my face), to remorseful, emotional (saying "do you still have feelings," "are you still single," and "I miss you", and flirty. I.E. he wanted pictures of me and reminisced about our intimacy etc.

Yes, I should have cut the cord back in December. I take responsibility for this. However, I believed he was simply self destructing. I had gotten used to his push and pull mentality. It also made sense he'd self sabotage since we were so close to finally being together full time. For 9 months M made me believe K was a rebound. Besides saying he missed me, he would repeatedly hack into my FB. He'd even try to access my Google account. Like a true emotional abuser, M didn't like the idea of me moving on either, often getting belligerent at the idea of me dating. However, last Sunday K messaged me from M's phone. M and I hadn't spoken since September 8th. I learned a devastating truth: K had given birth to M's child.

It all clicked then. Why everything fell apart as well as M's behavior. He had been unfaithful with K and got her knocked up. Instead of doing the decent thing of telling me so as to allow me to make an informed decision, he had kept me in the dark. He had devalued, manipulated me, and lied for 9 months while prolonging the belief that, eventually, he'd return. After K sent her harassing texts, M sent one last message denying his deceit as well as telling me to never speak to him again. Needless to say, I'm extremely upset.

Now for the actual question:

I just received an email that my deactivated Facebook has been reactivated. Once again, my ex has been snooping in my messages. Originally, I had been okay with this since I wanted to show him I was as transparent and trust worthy as ever because I'd thought we would reconcile. As anyone can now imagine, I am no longer comfortable with this. Before I make a new obscure password, I was wondering if I should write him a message? Post everything I did not get the chance to say to him in a message to myself.

Logically, I know this is probably a fruitless endeavor. The truth about M is he is most likely incapable of empathizing with others. He's an untreated BPD Narcissist, so I doubt I'd get any sort of apology either. I'm simply asking if writing such a message is worth it. He never allowed me a chance to express how I felt about any of his actions. Because of this, I am not only profoundly hurt, but also angry. Writing him a goodbye may be the perfect way for me to disengage emotionally. A way to say all the things I never got to say to him as a means to move on etc.

So, do you think it wise for my own mental health to compose my thoughts? Or should I do the prudent thing and change my password ASAP? Any advice on this train wreck situation would be appreciated. Thanks.

[JWebb88]

To give everyone some backstory, here's the cliff notes version of our relationship:

I was with my narcissistic and borderline ex-boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He has strung me along for a little over 3 years. Last December I had visited M as well as his family for his birthday (we were LDR). Well, after spending over 8 hrs on a bus to see him, he broke up with me. Said he hadn't loved me since September. I was shocked considering he had an apartment he'd picked out for us ready, I had a job already lined up, had me pick out things for our apartment recently, and mentioned a promise ring which would represent an eventual proposal on our 3rd anniversary.

I later learned he got into a relationship with an unstable coworker. This is girl cheats in every relationship, has severe temper tantrums, is manipulative, and genuinely bad news. Yet, despite casually dating this girl "K," M kept reaching out. He'd range from angry (almost flaunting their escapades in my face), to remorseful, emotional (saying "do you still have feelings," "are you still single," and "I miss you", and flirty. I.E. he wanted pictures of me and reminisced about our intimacy etc.

Yes, I should have cut the cord back in December. I take responsibility for this. However, I believed he was simply self destructing. I had gotten used to his push and pull mentality. It also made sense he'd self sabotage since we were so close to finally being together full time. For 9 months M made me believe K was a rebound. Besides saying he missed me, he would repeatedly hack into my FB. He'd even try to access my Google account. Like a true emotional abuser, M didn't like the idea of me moving on either, often getting belligerent at the idea of me dating. However, last Sunday K messaged me from M's phone. M and I hadn't spoken since September 8th. I learned a devastating truth: K had given birth to M's child.

It all clicked then. Why everything fell apart as well as M's behavior. He had been unfaithful with K and got her knocked up. Instead of doing the decent thing of telling me so as to allow me to make an informed decision, he had kept me in the dark. He had devalued, manipulated me, and lied for 9 months while prolonging the belief that, eventually, he'd return. After K sent her harassing texts, M sent one last message denying his deceit as well as telling me to never speak to him again. Needless to say, I'm extremely upset.

Now for the actual question:

I just received an email that my deactivated Facebook has been reactivated. Once again, my ex has been snooping in my messages. Originally, I had been okay with this since I wanted to show him I was as transparent and trust worthy as ever because I'd thought we would reconcile. As anyone can now imagine, I am no longer comfortable with this. Before I make a new obscure password, I was wondering if I should write him a message? Post everything I did not get the chance to say to him in a message to myself.

Logically, I know this is probably a fruitless endeavor. The truth about M is he is most likely incapable of empathizing with others. He's an untreated BPD Narcissist, so I doubt I'd get any sort of apology either. I'm simply asking if writing such a message is worth it. He never allowed me a chance to express how I felt about any of his actions. Because of this, I am not only profoundly hurt, but also angry. Writing him a goodbye may be the perfect way for me to disengage emotionally. A way to say all the things I never got to say to him as a means to move on etc.

So, do you think it wise for my own mental health to compose my thoughts? Or should I do the prudent thing and change my password ASAP? Any advice on this train wreck situation would be appreciated. Thanks.

[once removed]

hi JWebb88 and

some time after my relationship ended, i discovered my ex was invading the email attached to my facebook and reading messages sent to me. i let it go for a while, in retrospect, because it felt like a connection. it was a lot harder than one would think to change my password, but i did.

yes, id recommend changing your password(s).

as for sending the message? i dont think theres a right or wrong answer. what i would recommend is writing it and sitting on it for some time. a lot of members have found benefit in writing unsent messages like these. some members sent them, and there were consequences, and some members have sent them with no regret. in my own personal experience, i have ultimately decided not to send such things, and i felt a powerful sense of resolve in not doing so. i have found that by "forever holding my piece", those feelings actually, ultimately, morphed into feelings of closure, resolve, and inner peace.

what do you think?

[Tired_Dad]

Jwebb,

Staying out of the emotional and strictly with the cyber security aspect it is very important fro you to protect your information and identity. Facebook today has crept into our lives and on some other sites is used as access credentialing.

-Change your password now. Use a complex password. Try to put a special character in the middle of it (use an instead of a for a 4 instead of an r etc.)
-When possible keep 2 factor authentication on for all of your accounts. Often the easier that you make it to access for yourself the easier it is to hack.
-If you are using common passwords for banking, email, Facebook etc. assume that they are all compromised and change them all.

Good cyber security is not keeping anything from the pwBPD, it is protecting you, your identity, your finances and is an essential part of self care in the modern day.

If this person could hack you so could someone else with less emotional and more of a financial intent towards your information.

Sorry if this sounds preachy, I just don't like to see people get hurt.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JWebb,

I'd like to join OR and Tired_Dad in welcoming you.  My suggestion would be to consider writing your message here or in a journal/word document, to first get it out of your system and to see how that makes you feel.  Take a day or more and then read it again.  See if you still have the same emotion attached to it.  After all, there is no rush to send a message.  What you think and feel one day may alter or fade over the course of time and there can be consequences to consider.  For example, some ex partners will see the contact as an opening of lines of communication and start to make concerted efforts to re engage.  Others are wounded by what is sent and see justification for bad behaviour directed towards the sender.  Still there are those which never get any response at all and this can cause further hurt and disappointment.  A lot of members do write letters that are never sent and find this cathartic simply to expel the emotion and get the unspoken words out once and for all, which proves to be enough. 

Ask yourself what you would hope the message would achieve.  Think about this and be honest with yourself.  In early stages we can have deep hidden motivations to try to salvage the r/s and reconnect with someone who has proven to be a  destructive force in our lives, much against our better rational judgement.  In the end it is entirely your decision.  You must do what feels right to you.  Just be sure you know how you feel and what your motivation is before acting.   

Keep posting.  We're here to help and support you.

Love and light x 

[JWebb88]

hi JWebb88 and

some time after my relationship ended, i discovered my ex was invading the email attached to my facebook and reading messages sent to me. i let it go for a while, in retrospect, because it felt like a connection. it was a lot harder than one would think to change my password, but i did.

yes, id recommend changing your password(s).

as for sending the message? i dont think theres a right or wrong answer. what i would recommend is writing it and sitting on it for some time. a lot of members have found benefit in writing unsent messages like these. some members sent them, and there were consequences, and some members have sent them with no regret. in my own personal experience, i have ultimately decided not to send such things, and i felt a powerful sense of resolve in not doing so. i have found that by "forever holding my piece", those feelings actually, ultimately, morphed into feelings of closure, resolve, and inner peace.

what do you think?

I gave it some thought and realized it wouldn't matter in the end. Nothing I would say would be able to reach him. In fact, it would most likely make him angrier. I simply changed my password to, hopefully, forever lock him out of my Facebook.

It's heartbreaking and unfortunate what M did. It is also infuriating that I'll never get to part ways on my own terms, however, none of this can be helped. His personality will never allow for me to face him, so I'm simply closing the door on our last 2 1/2 years together. It's time I moved on.

Thank you for the advice.

[JWebb88]

Jwebb,

Staying out of the emotional and strictly with the cyber security aspect it is very important fro you to protect your information and identity. Facebook today has crept into our lives and on some other sites is used as access credentialing.

-Change your password now. Use a complex password. Try to put a special character in the middle of it (use an instead of a for a 4 instead of an r etc.)
-When possible keep 2 factor authentication on for all of your accounts. Often the easier that you make it to access for yourself the easier it is to hack.
-If you are using common passwords for banking, email, Facebook etc. assume that they are all compromised and change them all.

Good cyber security is not keeping anything from the pwBPD, it is protecting you, your identity, your finances and is an essential part of self care in the modern day.

If this person could hack you so could someone else with less emotional and more of a financial intent towards your information.

Sorry if this sounds preachy, I just don't like to see people get hurt.

Your advice was extremely helpful. I followed your suggestions when I created my new password. I think it's a pretty secure one. Doubtful M will be able to hack or guess it. I also enabled FB to send me notifications of any hacking attempts as well. I no longer want M to know what is going on in my life, let alone my sensitive passwords. He can bother K now. Be invasive with her privacy. God knows those two deserve each other.

[JWebb88]

Hi JWebb,

I'd like to join OR and Tired_Dad in welcoming you.  My suggestion would be to consider writing your message here or in a journal/word document, to first get it out of your system and to see how that makes you feel.  Take a day or more and then read it again.  See if you still have the same emotion attached to it.  After all, there is no rush to send a message.  What you think and feel one day may alter or fade over the course of time and there can be consequences to consider.  For example, some ex partners will see the contact as an opening of lines of communication and start to make concerted efforts to re engage.  Others are wounded by what is sent and see justification for bad behaviour directed towards the sender.  Still there are those which never get any response at all and this can cause further hurt and disappointment.  A lot of members do write letters that are never sent and find this cathartic simply to expel the emotion and get the unspoken words out once and for all, which proves to be enough. 

Ask yourself what you would hope the message would achieve.  Think about this and be honest with yourself.  In early stages we can have deep hidden motivations to try to salvage the r/s and reconnect with someone who has proven to be a  destructive force in our lives, much against our better rational judgement.  In the end it is entirely your decision.  You must do what feels right to you.  Just be sure you know how you feel and what your motivation is before acting.   

Keep posting.  We're here to help and support you.

Love and light x 

I've decided to write or journal all I would say, but never send it. Instead, I'll simply write to purge myself of all my anger, sadness, and frustration. M wouldn't care if he read my feelings anyway. Somehow, all of his poor choices would be my fault. He pretty much implied as much in his goodbye text to me last week.

Additionally, my silence is kind of the ultimate revenge. BPDs seem to like knowing that they are controlling as well as manipulating the emotions of their targets. My lack of a response to his message will eventually bother him. I say, let it. While he's becoming distressed, I will continue to become increasingly indifferent to him, K and their situation.

Thanks for the advice. It's helped and I appreciated it. 

[Skip]

If this person could hack you so could someone else with less emotional and more of a financial intent towards your information.

You gave him the password and allowed him to access your site. This is not really a hack.    That said, he shouldn't be logging in either. You know you can end this by simply changing the password - but you are holding off.

It seems like the bigger issue is the betrayal trauma you are feeling and wanting to reach out to him and say what you think he doesn't know about how you feel. And being shutout by the girlfriend with his baby. Ouch.  

He's struggling, too. He had two girls for nine months. That's had to feel good - now he has one and a crying and demanding newborn (bless its little soul) and probably a pretty emotional/trying postpartum gf. He most likely misses role you played in this triangle.

1. If you are going to communicate, don't do it via emails to yourself in Facebook that he has to log into your account to see. I would calmly go back into Facebook, change the password, and deactivate it as you had done. You can reactivate, change your public access and friends at a later date when there is no drama associated with it. To communicate, send a letter to his place of work (so it won't be intercepted).

2. Even if you are unsure of sending a letter, I'd take the time and write it. Share it here. The release will really help you.

3. If you want to send him the letter, recognize that as in any emotional letter, it has to be something the other party wants to read - it has to be written in a way that he will connect to it. A long wounded letter will be skimmed (at most) and set aside or tossed - this is just human nature.

4. Remember, he has his hands full right now with a baby and a very emotional mother and the loss of gf-2. He might want to seek some emotional relief - you don't want to be that.

5. He's damaged goods. If he stays with her, he is a cheating/lying. betrayer. If he leaves his baby for you, he is a skunk of a father. If he tells you he's trapped but really wants you, he's a two-faced skunk. He's in a pretty deep hole (skunk hole). Even if he begged you back, 3 months from now you would say, how can I trust a guy who supports a pregnancy and then leaves his infant child.

6. Is it an apology you want? If you blast him or FOG him, you will most likely get a JADE style response - again, this is just human nature. If you say something supportive, and gracefully fade in the distance, that is more likely to generate an re-contact somewhere down the line - maybe an apology or maybe an apology and lets reconnect on the side.

What sounds right to you?

[JWebb88]

You gave him the password and allowed him to access your site. This is not really a hack.    That said, he shouldn't be logging in either. You know you can end this by simply changing the password - but you are holding off.

It seems like the bigger issue is the betrayal trauma you are feeling and wanting to reach out to him and say what you think he doesn't know about how you feel. And being shutout by the girlfriend with his baby. Ouch.  

He's struggling, too. He had two girls for nine months. That's had to feel good - now he has one and a crying and demanding newborn (bless its little soul) and probably a pretty emotional/trying postpartum gf. He most likely misses role you played in this triangle.

1. If you are going to communicate, do do it via emails to yourself in Facebook that he has to log into your account to see. I would calmly go back into Facebook, change the password, and deactivate it as you had done. You can reactivate, change your public access and friends at a later date when there is no drama associated with it. To communicate, send a letter to his place of work (so it won't be intercepted).

2. Even if you are unsure of sending a letter, I'd take the time and write it. Share it here. The release will really help you.

3. If you want to send him the letter, recognize that as in any emotional letter, it has to be something the other party wants to read - it has to be written in a way that he will connect to it. A long wounded letter will be skimmed (at most) and set aside or tossed - this is just human nature.

4. Remember, he has his hands full right now with a baby and a very emotional mother and the loss of gf-2. He might want to seek some emotional relief - you don't want to be that.

5. He's damaged goods. If he stays with her, he is a cheating/lying. betrayer. If he leaves his baby for you, he is a skunk of a father. If he tells you he's trapped but really wants you, he's a two-faced skunk. He's in a pretty deep hole (skunk hole). Even if he begged you back, 3 months from now you would say, how can I trust a guy who supports a pregnancy and then leaves his infant child.

6. Is it an apology you want? If you blast him or FOG him, you will most likely get a JADE style response - again, this is just human nature. If you say something supportive, and gracefully fade in the distance, that is more likely to generate an re-contact somewhere down the line - maybe an apology or maybe an apology and lets reconnect on the side.

What sounds right to you?

It sounds like I need to mourn the part of him I loved and move on. As of right now, I intend to remain silent. I've blocked his number, changed my Facebook password and deactivated that account. Any attempted logins will send a notification to my e-mail. It will work just like Google Chrome (which he has also tried to login into, but has been unsuccessful).

It is true, the ex boyfriend has certainly dug himself into a hole. I'm sure he thought he could have his cake and eat it too. I even think he thought he could get his baby momma to leave him before I found anything out etc. Either way, whatever scenarios he had planned, it has all backfired on him. He is stuck in a draining relationship with a woman even more unstable than he is, and with a baby to boot. It's up to him to sort it out. As for myself, I intend to stay out of it. I need to heal; I need to move on.

I also do not intend to ever write him a letter. If I do write anything, it will be to release my emotions. For example, I'll journal it instead of contacting him. I have a feeling that my ex wouldn't care one way or another how I feel. If he did then we would be living together right now, and his new baby momma would never have happened.

Lastly, thank you for your advice. You were right in saying I was keeping the door open for him. I admit to doing that since I believed he was simply having a massive breakdown. I always wanted to be transparent to him; display I could always be trusted. I will never be so open with anyone again. Boundaries have to be set, one of which is my privacy. I also appreciated your insight into the situation. I'm sure, at some point, he will reach out. I hope I'll be in a place where I'll be indifferent to his wants and needs.

Again, I appreciated your insight. It was very helpful.