Strategy to deal with BPD or NPD & Does it Matter?

[ijustwantpeace]

I recently found out that my mother is much more likely to have NPD than BPD does how I approach her really even matter?  I have done alot of the self work to get myself good, but am concerned that Narcissistic Personality Disorder carries new risk / challenges that I may not be aware of.

I would like to have a family of my own at least a wife, and can't trust her to act right.  She refuses any treatment of any kind.

I know she will never change.  Would would you do in my situation?  How would you handle this?

[Panda39]

It is my understanding that there are similarities as well as distinct differences. as they are in the same grouping of Personality Disorder Type in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) listed as "Cluster B" Personality Disorders... .

There are four Cluster B personality disorders:

Antisocial
Borderline extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior often leading to self-harm and impassivity.
Narcissistic pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriately seductive behavior and shallow or exaggerated emotions.
Histrionic

They are characterized by dramatic, over-emotional, or unpredictable (erratic) thinking or behavior.

Below is a link onFamily systems--understanding the narcissistic family that might relate to your question... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

When you say you can't trust your mom to act right, can you give us an example? 

You're mom may never change but you can change how you react/act with her to improve your interactions.

What are you having the most trouble with in terms of your moms behaviors, maybe we can come up with some ideas that can help.

Take Care 
Panda39

[Avriel]

I've got both in my family. I think there are some definite similarities in how you should deal with them--avoid drama triangles, don't try to justify your choices to either, etc. Neither type can seem to avoid being abusive to some degree, but NPDs are more consciously manipulative and/or scary. That can make them easier to reason with in some instances, but more difficult to stop in others. My BPD sister appears to be less aware of what she is doing than my NPD dad and brother are are, and giving her what she wants often doesn't settle her down, unlike the family NPDs. It is sometimes possible to have real conversations with my sister, unlike the NPDs, who typically end up using conversations to try to show off. And arguments, for them, aren't just about emotional relief for themselves--they are determined to win and to shut you up. Which, especially in my brother's case, can be scary.

If your mom is NPD, my guess is that she is less likely to be willing to try treatment than a BPD, because she probably doesn't feel as much internal distress. What is your mom normally like? Since she initially seemed BPD, I guess she tends to throw a lot of tantrums? Would it cause problems in your relationships with other relatives if you reduced contact with your mom, or went no contact?

[Turkish]

I would like to have a family of my own at least a wife, and can't trust her to act right. She refuses any treatment of any kind.

You have every right to start your own family.  Has she guilted you on this regard? How close are you to your mother (i.e., how much pressure is on you to caretake her emotionally and physically?).

[ijustwantpeace]

You have eve3ry right to start your own family.  Has she guilted you on this regard? How close are you to your mother (i.e., how much pressure is on you to caretake her emotionally and physically?).

She has no boundaries and says things that are inapproriate for children to hear ie. Talking about her sex life.

[Turkish]

She has no boundaries and says things that are inapproriate for children to hear ie. Talking about her sex life.

We have another member here who is at the beginning of struggling with similar issues. You may want to connect here on-board for support and strategies:

mom and diaper changes

So your worries are when you start a family,  you think you'll have trouble protecting the kids from her lack of decorum (to put it mildly) without basically angering her? I'm assuming that you were on the receiving end of her adult talk as a child. Does she still engage you like this,  and if so,  how do you respond?

I know this is tough to talk about.  You're the third member in a few months who's brought up similar issues (and who knows how many lurkers haven't posted yet).