To Get a Lawyer or Not?

[AnuDay]

A lot of members on here and a lot of friends and family have recommended that I should get a lawyer. 
Going against their advice I decided not to.
My exBPDgf who broke up with me 3 months ago said "No, it's not necessary to go to court. We don't need to get lawyers (regarding our 2 children in common)."
I knew she didn't have much money to battle me in court so I cut her some slack. Deciding to "play nicely" and wanting to save myself some money I followed her plan (I also hate escalating things with the exBPDgf).
10 weeks later I get hit with a notice from Child Support Services;
apparently she applied for child support.  This immensely frustrated me since she specifically stated multiple times "No Court".
I figured she must be having financial problems.  I keep things pretty distant and only talk about the kids.  After a few days of going back and forth with her
about why she applied for child support, which turned out to be something mundane about me not doing enough for the children and not talking to her, and me explaining to her that it is not my duty to offer her emotional support, she decided to close the case.

Needless to say the past few weeks I have been pondering getting an attorney to go for sole custody.  Partially out of revenge,
and maybe to set up some kind of agreement between the two of us to help regulate things.  My exBPDgf says she doesn't need any money and didn't apply for child support for the money so I'm almost 90% sure she will try to go for it again simply out of revenge or for leverage.
My only concern with getting an attorney is flaring up the BPD.  I don't know what kind of frenzy she would go into serving her court papers. 
I'm also aware that having BPD and not being able to manage your life is not a slam
dunk for losing custody of your children. So I may be filing papers for nothing.  I just don't know what can be done in court.
I have heard of dads who haven't seen their children in months.  Currently I have my children 2-3 days every week.  I can pretty much see them and get them at will.  The exBPDgf has a very hard time with them. 
 

     

[Skip]

I have been pondering getting an attorney to go for sole custody.  Partially out of revenge, and maybe to set up some kind of agreement between the two of us to help regulate things.  My exBPDgf says she doesn't need any money and didn't apply for child support for the money so I'm almost 90% sure she will try to go for it again simply out of revenge or for leverage.

Find yourself a lawyer specializing in collaborative law and consult with him but be your own front man on working out a written agreement.

Revenge. There are kids involved. You really want to build a post relationship partnership. Kids first.

[livednlearned]

Suffering from BPD is going to make it hard for her to be consistent -- her emotions are hard to regulate. She won't always be making consistent decisions when she's dysregulated. It's like being in the rapids with a boat and no paddle.

Where does the application for child support go from here?

If she is not very high functioning, following through on things could be tough. Try to look for patterns.

You may want to consult with an attorney to find out how things work where you live. An hour usually costs somewhere between $50 to $300 depending on where you are.
 
No matter what you do, it's a good idea to start documenting how much time the kids are with you. If you do end up retaining a lawyer there will need to be documentation about the status quo of where the kids are most of the time, who takes them to appointments, drives them to school, etc.

How old are the kids?

[AnuDay]

Thank you Skip and Livednlearned.

You are right Skip.  I can't act out of revenge.  I have a lot of work to do on building a good "post-relationship" relationship.  I asked the lawyer about hashing out a written agreement.  She said it would be a good idea, but it is totally non-enforceable in court.  I figure a written agreement will be good evidence toward going to court later, perhaps?

Regarding the child support.  I was supposed to hear from them that she dropped the case, but I haven't heard from them yet. 
I will have to get a calendar up to start documenting my time with the kids.  I guess I will take pictures too.  I keep a text message trail.  I need to figure out how to back up the messages.

The kids are D7 and D3.  I'm 3 months in post relationship so I have a long way to go in dealing with this.   

[MeandThee29]

At the very least, do the free or low-cost intro session.

I started a file with a lawyer earlier this year and paid for her to keep the information ready, but she hasn't taken action yet.

Peace of mine if I need it. I did free 20-minute phone interviews with three and liked her best. She also had the best references.

[40days_in_desert]

AnuDay - Look at an app called PhoneView for saving text messages. It converts text conversations into a PDF file and shows the phone numbers to and from along with a time stamp of each text and the name. Of course the name is the name you gave the other person in your contacts. My ex is "STBXW" in my contacts but the app shows her number.

[livednlearned]

I used PhoneView, too -- the nice thing about it is that you can print out the text messages exactly as they appear in your phone, in the order they came in, with a time stamp. Keep printing out the PDFs and make copies, too. Documentation is really important in court, otherwise it comes down to he said, she said.

Court is not based on common sense, it has its own logic. If your L said that a written agreement is not enforceable, then take that to heart.

Not to mention that your ex will struggle to follow her own agreements. You may get 50/50 custody and over time, she will start sending the kids to you more. Take everything you can get and document it -- this will show a strong pattern to the court that will be more meaningful than anything she claims, but only if you have strong documentation.

[AnuDay]

Thank you.  You guys are life savers.  The ability to plan my actions based on other's real-life similar experiences is invaluable.  I will download Phoneview and start printing out texts and filing them away.  I also need a calendar book to start documenting my time with the kids.  I never thought about how difficult it would be for her to stick to an agreement, but it will definitely be a challenge for her.  Right now I am trying to think of what kinds of documented agreements can I have signed and notarized. If me and the exBPD come up with a custody agreement the lawyer will draft it and file it in court for us.
I'm pretty much getting all the time I want with the kids now.  I would like to draft out an agreement making me responsible for decisions regarding healthcare and school.
I am thinking that we can start with an agreement that we draft and get notarized for starters to maybe to take the edge off of serving her court papers later if need be. 
How many of us have had to deal with false allegations after serving the BPDex? 

[Turkish]

For reasons I won't speculate about here,  I was successfully able to finalize CS and custody without going to court,  which was possible in California.  The stipulation was filled with the county, but we didn't need to appear in court.  Despite her "teen mom" behaviors, and so many friends (both men and women) who told me to go for sole custody, we worked it out. 

I understand that you are pissed about what she did.  The key may be leading in this.  Do what's best for your family.  If you have to pay CS, it is what it is. That's just math.  I pay. I accept that.  But go by the book.  Guidelines. The money on my case isn't the big deal (it's just math); rather,  it's the emotions.  Filing by guideline can help divorce yourself from the emotions. My ex wanted not to do an official custody agreement.  I said no,  yet using the communication tools here,  I was able to keep the calm and reach a logical agreement without going to court.  Keeping emotions like revenge or punishment out of it are hard,  I know,  but this is so important in order to successfully move on and parent children. 

[40days_in_desert]

Anuday - False accusations have been a part of my life before and after she was my ex. Doing the things shared here will help keep the effect of those false accusations to a minimum. So far, none of my ex's false accusations have had an effect other than the court of public opinion by a couple of her family members and her boyfriend. You're starting off with a mindset that will help you do what is best for all involved. As Turkish said, keeping revenge at bay is hard but down the road, you will be so glad you didn't let revenge enter your plan. I wish you the best!

[nettieboop]

Protect protect protect... .that was my biggest piece of advice. You never see it coming but the truth is, they can turn on you and usually do. Protect yourself.