I knew how it would end over a decade ago

[evanescent]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to talk about this as a NBP, but I'm feeling like reaching out - if only to provide what support I can to others.

My wife of 14 years lost her battle with her demons and chose to take her life this month. The knowledge of how BPD was affecting her was something we didn't always talk about directly, but we both knew exactly what it was and did our best to work through it. A cascade of events however led her to give up on herself, push people away, and justify her actions in the appearance that we had given up on her and she was no longer needed.

I am mostly at peace with what has happened at this point. The immediate shock of the timing has worn off, but not the fact that she ultimately went through with it. Treatment was never something she was able to embrace. I was the gray-rock, and I usually did it well, with children to raise, and the moderator of rages for much of that time. I am mostly just thankful that she was able to fight through it for so long, enabling our older (my step) children to become independent adults, but leaving me with our 12 year son we had together. She made no bones about 'doing it to protect us' in the notes she left. Abandonment is the ultimate irony in so many of these stories. Who abandoned who, and does that even really matter now?

To be clear, we had our good times, and she was one of the best mothers imaginable so much of the time, sacrificing so much of herself willingly to do whatever she could for our children, and often me. But the most recent bad times leave us slicing our way through the fog to remember those good times. We are healing. We are doing our best to remember her well.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry for your loss. The death of a loved one is always so hard and even harder still by their own choice. You are very strong to be so peaceful in your thoughts on the matter. I am so impressed that you are focusing on the positive attributes your wife brought to your family.

You are among good people here. I cannot say that I have experienced what you have. I cannot imagine the depths of that grief. But you are not alone. We are here to listen and support you.

Please know that you are allowed to feel whatever you do at this time even if those emotions are mixed and conflicted. Please post again and let us know how you are holding up. Sending hugs and support. 

[evanescent]

Thank you. Not a day without tears nonetheless!

Really just struggling with missing her so intensely mixed with the guilt and relief that the saga is over.

Looking back over her google history over a decade, messages to friends, methods and places to end her life, I refuse to feel guilty. She had years to work on this, and as a NBP, we know it has to be something they have to embrace to move forward. So much for hoping the older kids moving on with their lives would improve the stresses . . That just made her conclude that her job was done. 

[evanescent]

And for what it is worth, Walking On Eggshells saved my sanity. Anybody who is BPD or NBP is doing themselves a disservice by not reading immediately.

[believer55]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you and the children are going through.

Thank you for taking the time to share with us - as much as it may hurt.

Wishing you peace in time and praying your family pull together through this and remember her with love.

 

[MeandThee29]

I'm so sorry to hear this. The closing of a story.

Mine attempted suicide in March. We reconciled, and then split again. He's told me that he has strongly considered attempting again three times since we separated. I pressed, and he wouldn't tell me more than that. He told the same to his siblings. He's many states away from me, and hours away from two of his siblings.

He sometimes emails that he can't believe how mixed-up his thinking is and how depressed he is. He refuses help and won't settle near anyone he knows.

I'm not in your current situation, but know what it's like worrying.

Take care.

[hope2727]

I am thinking of you tonight and wondering how you are.

Yesterday was a tough one for me as I was missing a dear friend who died of brain cancer about a year ago. I decided to watch "A monster calls" which is one of those movies that always brings a tear to my eye. It has a great message if you can make it to the end. I cried as per usual but it made realize that, as much as I desperately didn't want my friend to die, I was relieved when he wasn't suffering anymore.

My exwBPD threatened suicide regularly. I only understand how much he must have been suffering now in retrospect. I am sorry your wife suffered that kind of pain. I am sorry you and your family are suffering the fallout.

You are not alone. We are here with you.

Death brings such conflicted feelings for such a long time. I remember my ex-husband telling his niece and nephew that it was ok to have mixed feelings when their dad died. Happy to see family, Happy to have time off school, sad their dad was gone, mad that he was dead, worried for their mom. It was just ok to feel it all. Thats what I have been thinking for you. Its ok to feel it all.

Touch base here when you have a moment or the energy. Just to let us know that you are doing ok. Hugs.

[evanescent]

Frankly, it has been a busy week, despite being on bereavement leave! Tomorrow will be my first day back at work. I think I'm ready. As I set here now feeling somewhat anxious because we are closing this chapter of our lives and face too much quiet.

I have not seen A Monster Calls, but going to add that to my watch list.

We ended up having a celebration of life for her last night. Over 140 people invited - and thankfully only about half showed! Photos, stories, connecting of unfamiliar friends, reunions of others.  Despite the turmoil of her life, we chose to focus on as much of the good as possible. Her choice to end her life can never take away the truly good that she intended and so often facilitated. Despite the classic inability to say no, she so often volunteered for so many others in their time of need, it's really just heartbreaking to understand how deeply she was appreciated by so many without ever being able to reconcile that in her own mind.

She will be missed.

Oddest thing for me in all of this was no memorable dreams or nightmares, yet this morning, she woke me up. A hand on my shoulder from behind. A deadpan look in her eyes. That is all. Not sure what kind of mindf***ery that I'm doing to myself with that one, but perhaps it is just a signal of closure. Time will tell on that I guess! 

[ScotisGone74]

Sorry for your loss and for your young son.     I ve never been to the heights higher in my life than with my ex BPD, but the lows were the same and there was no in between.   Truly this disorder leaves no winners.   Hang in there and keep us posted in the days ahead. 

[evanescent]

Regardless of the end result of the relationship, it is truly fascinating to me where I have been, where I most recently was, and where I am now. Having read Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality, I see many facets of that which once existed and slowly dissolved into a more practical handling of the relationship. To be clear, I enabled in regrettable ways, but I also found this website years ago (I think, as BPD Central) to discover and process just what it was we were dealing with. From Stop Walking on Eggshells to my own defense mechanisms developed as a means to mitigate and de-escalate rages, I'd be lying if I said my grieving process has been normal. It has been accelerated, and in addition to the normal facets, laced with some relief that is shared by my children as well. That guilt is the more difficult part to reconcile emotionally.

In her suicide notes to me and my youngest (she had split my older children to black), it was her assertion that she loved us with all of her heart, but that we would be better off without her. Emotionally, I think we are still working on that, but logically there was substance to the view.

She had spent so much of her time over the years cleaving off friends and family as the dark side, damaging relationships in ways that were completely irreconcilable to her mind, and she saw how that ultimately was damaging our entire family. My biggest failing was in never giving in to her numerous threats of divorce over the years. I did not want to. I thought we were still living for the better together than we would have been apart. In that, I enabled her to continue behaviors that were not healthy for any of us.

I am pleased to say however that despite the present outcome, I have been able to be a source of emotional stability for our children over the years to prevent this condition from being passed along. I never told them what specifically was the matter with their mother until this month, but only that she was not a normal mom, and that her behavior was often an extreme reflection of real issues best to be tamed with time and space.

I still cried for her today, but not at the sense of our loss. Rather, at what she at times was and could have been if she had not carried BP through decades of life.

So in a nutshell, my pain is largely subsided, having gone to work today for the first time in two weeks, and being largely functional without emotional distraction. We are all moving on. We are all starting to live without her.

[evanescent]

hope2727, I watched that movie!  Tears! (But spot on.)

It's like the writer knew something about such things . . 

I spent much of today ruminating over her last days regardless, and what if anything I did or said tipped the scale the way it went. There was no way to reconcile any of it that I could figure.

She believed the week before that I had been cheating on her. I wasn't. I can't even find any traces of my having contact with the person she thought I was communicating with on Facebook or anywhere online. I certainly wasn't talking to anybody or texting either.

In short, it was off the rails. Where she got the idea is baffling, and I think she may have realized it if her suicide notes had any substance to her real thoughts, as they made no mention of any of it. She had a hard enough time dealing with the things that were real, and losing a grip on what was or was not likely pushed her over the edge. I can only guess at this point.

Anyway, I had already decided that it is okay to feel relief while also mourning for her passing, but accepting her reasoning or lack thereof has been the challenge.

[babyducks]

Hi evanescent,

I am moved by your story, inspired by the courage with which you tell it, and appreciative of the compassion you show.   I am sorry for your loss.     

My ex partner once told me that she had a very carefully thought out, researched and planned suicide 'just in case things got to be too much'.    she told me she didn't want to wake up in a hospital after.    my partner was diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with 'something' probably BPD, was compliant with medication and regular with therapy.    she's is still fighting her demons.

I suspect that ruminating is natural.   I would probably be doing it too.    I would be very surprised if anything you did or said tipped the scales.    accepting her reasoning or that the reason can be so nebulous as to be unobtainable will come with time.   I think.  if pushed I would say there is probably not one event, or one person that tipped the scales, but more likely a lifetime of difficulties overwhelming the urge for self preservation.

every time there is a suicide in the paper or news here I carefully check to make sure it's not my Ex.    somewhere deep down I believe someday I will see her name there.   It's an odd way to think.   and something I can only share here.     

I think you are absolutely correct, it's okay to feel relief that the endless suffering is over, while at the same time mourning all that was lost.

hang in there and keep posting... .we are here to listen.

'ducks

[hope2727]

I watched that movie!  Tears! (But spot on.)

It's like the writer knew something about such things . .  grin

Yes. I've watched it several times and always find something new in it. It resonated with me how the little boy had to completely destroy the room/clock (stop time? Did he turn the hands backwards? Now I have to re-watch it again)  and how he knew but denied the whole situation.

One of my closest friends was a lovely, kind, gentle soul with a beautiful wife and child. He started to be tired (getting older) , then a bit more disorganized than usual (he was always a bit of a mess), then sharp with his words here and there (chalked it up to stress), then started drinking a bit more than was his way. The little changes added and added until one day he argued with his wife and left the house at 4AM and called me to say they were divorcing. Long story short... .brain tumor, dead 12 months later, suffered horribly, so did his wife and kid. For the last 10 days of his life I prayed every day for him to die.

Its ok for us to be relieved that the suffering is done.  And suffer they (and we) do. Conflicting emotions are totally normal.

I spent much of today ruminating over her last days regardless, and what if anything I did or said tipped the scale the way it went. There was no way to reconcile any of it that I could figure.

She believed the week before that I had been cheating on her. I wasn't. I can't even find any traces of my having contact with the person she thought I was communicating with on Facebook or anywhere online. I certainly wasn't talking to anybody or texting either.

In short, it was off the rails. Where she got the idea is baffling, and I think she may have realized it if her suicide notes had any substance to her real thoughts, as they made no mention of any of it. She had a hard enough time dealing with the things that were real, and losing a grip on what was or was not likely pushed her over the edge. I can only guess at this point.

Ruminating is normal but unproductive. My friend's brain was being consumed by a tumour. Our loved ones with BPD have brains that are functioning atypically. A psychologist told me I can't logic a broken brain. When we try to understand it is akin to trying to taste the colour 9. Doesn't make any sense right? It doesn't compute because it can't.

My exwBPD regularly was convinced I was cheating too. It was to the point that he saw his own tracks in the snow and raged that they were proof of my cheating. He realized they were his own and burst into tears of shame but still was peering in my windows in the middle of the night to "find proof" several days later. He even admitted that "he shouldn't listen to the voices in his head". It was indeed off the rails.

Anyway, I had already decided that it is okay to feel relief while also mourning for her passing, but accepting her reasoning or lack thereof has been the challenge.

I am glad you are being gentle with yourself. It takes a long time but you will get through this. You are doing great. You are there for yourself and your family. You are on the right track. Keep posting here and I'll try to think up other movies.  The only one I can think of at the moment is "The things we lost in the fire" and "Into the west" with Gabriel Byrnes. Both odd choices but favourites,

[evanescent]

Thanks both of you.

Today was a much better day, though I had to turn off Zac Brown Band's 'Free - Into the Mystic' . . aw crap, just typing that made me tear up. Good memories associated with it regardless!

[hope2727]

Its ok to cry. I love into the mystic. Its a favourite of mine. We were just discussing in my class how celebrating the good is ok. We don't have to thinking black and white. My relationship with my ex was a blessing. I miss and love him. I am grateful for his years with me. SO many happy memories. I can't go back. I can't take the rages and B/W thinking but I am very glad that I have happy memories.

Ok movie suggestion for the week... ."The War of the Buttons" it will give you a chuckle.

[hope2727]

Oh and an important reading assignment... .How to Survive the loss of a Love by Bloomfeild, Cosgrove and McWillams.


Was critical in my recovery.

So many best pages but the one on recovery being like a lightening bolt not a bell curve is oh so true. So embrace the good days. Tough ones will come along. Just remember the best ones are ahead.

[evanescent]

Ok movie suggestion for the week... ."The War of the Buttons" it will give you a chuckle.

Que'd up as I write!

As to the loving and losing, one of the things that I have also accepted over the last few days was the narcissism. It led her to lie, embellish, and attempt to hide impulsive spending among other things, but more importantly, it allowed her take her own life. As in What the heck? Seriously?

We were not poor, have a home, three fantastic kids, health insurance, and her sense that I no longer loved her was so ridiculously temporary and self centered it just baffles me. So many worse predicaments to be in. Her own demons took her down. I wish that I could have stopped them, but I know that wasn't an opportunity I was allowed.

Even so, reviewing video recorded on her phone over the years, so much silliness, laughter, and good times. Even the grumpiest person I have ever known could laugh, love, and inspire. There has to be better things to come. 

[hope2727]

I think I shall watch War of the Buttons with you in solidarity. I feel the need to see little drunken Irish kids sing tonight. It makes me miss my dear friends from Ireland. Anyway anger is ok too. You are allowed to feel a ridiculous range of emotions and some of them all at once.

Enjoy the movie.

[evanescent]

Well it looks like there are three different modern versions of the movie, one from 1994, and two from 2011. Thinking the one I just watched on Netflix (although the same story at heart) is not the same one you are remembering. 

Good nonetheless.