reaching out for help

[thelitewasatrain]

Greetings from wherever i am now.  I say that because I have literally lost, or given up willingly in this case, my entire life and it has been replaced by this new reality... .which is a total nightmare.  I came across this site a little over 5 years ago when I first stumbled upon the title Borderline Personality Disorder.  This happened quite by accident while I was actually researching Addictive Personalities and Addictive Relationships.  My research was, at the time, directed at myself.  It was July or August of 2013.  Just over 7 months into my sudden and very unexpected relationship with a girl half my age.  I was 41 at the time, she only 20.  Please hold your snickering and I told you sos until the end.  I had become increasingly concerned about my mental health since L and I had started... .eh, uh... .dating?  So much had already happened in such a brief amount of time I could scarcely believe it was actually happening to me.  So many things out of the ordinary and obscure to me.  Things, events, and situations I had never previously even considered to be in the realm of possibility for me to experience in my life.  Not because I think I am better than anyone or above anything, but simply I hadn't, and didn't plan on, ever setting myself up for such stressful and trying daily drama.  Yet here I was, questioning my own sanity.  The state of my mental health.  I was questioning everything.  And that was then.  Back then, I wasn't serving out a 2 year supervised probation sentence following a misdemeanor domestic violence charge handed out by a judge.  It started out as a felony.  Also included was a no contact order by the court.  For me not to have any contact with her.  And I sit here today, more confused than ever.  Still leaving a small amount of space in my spinning head for the hope I am wrong about her and maybe she is the one for me.  I apologize for the terrible structure of this introduction.  And i will more than likely jump around a bit.  But I know most, if not all of my tale will strike a note and sound familiar with you folks.  I know this because when I first found this site, I read for hours and hours and hours non stop the stories of others.  I get chills just from thinking this, but it was like reading the story of my life since I had met her one post at a time.  I knew then already I was in trouble.  And for the first time in all those months, I didn't feel like I was the entire problem.  I didn't feel, and I only use this word for effect, crazy.  I still had a chance back then.  I still had hope.  I wish I could go back and leave.  It would have been my salvation.  But, I didn't leave.  I didn't listen.  I ignored every single fact.  I withdrew from my friends and family who didn't support, or as I used to say... .you just don't understand what we have, my relationship with her.  I made every excuse for her to myself.  I forgave every "mistake" she ever made.  I made plenty of bad decisions.  I made plenty of mistakes.  I said and did things that were hurtful and wrong.  I just don't feel like a lot of it was me.  Not the me I was.  Used to be.  Want to be.  Anyway, yes, I also ignored the no contact order.  I didn't contact her.  She contacted me.  5 days after my sentencing.  After choosing no contact over no unlawful contact.  She texted me.  I am paraphrasing.  This could be a huge mistake, but I guess I am looking for some closure.  In hindsight what I think she really meant was she was looking for a way back into my life where she could control and manipulate me with complete impunity.  It worked.  I am already finding the fire and ambition I had about a half hour ago, to get my entire story in print and on this particular site, waning.  I was feeling invigorated.  Now I am exhausted.  It could be my anxiety.  Or my depression.  Or my PTSD.  But the introduction is out there.  I am interested in comments or any interest in hearing more.  There is a litany of things and events I could talk about.  There are a million words, phrases, and cycles I could refer to.  I just can't actually finish it now.  I need help.  Just some input.  Advice is welcome but chances are I have already heard it and ignored it a hundred times.  I am in therapy.  I am nearing the successful completion of my sentencing.  Oh, I did have the opportunity to take it to trial.  My attorney begged me to let him do it.  But I was offered something by the prosecution, later this would just be another supporting reason I should have and could have successfully beat my case by trial, and i took it.  But mostly it was because i wanted it to end.  Everything.  Including the relationship.  And I didn't want to drag her trough court and a trial.  I didn't feel it was right at the time.  Hadn't she been trough enough already? 

[pearlsw]

Hi thelitewasatrain,

Welcome. I have read your post a few times (and your last posts) so I can get a sense of your situation. Your relationship has ended is that correct? There were domestic violence issues and you were put in court ordered no contact with your ex. Do I understand that correctly?

Also, I see you are struggling with Depression and PTSD. Is that correct too? You also did research on yourself because you feel you have Borderline Personality Disorder? You are in therapy you say, were you given a diagnosis? May I ask, did your ex-partner have BPD issues?

I sure would like to help you find the kind of support you need. You want closure on this painful past relationship and it has been over for awhile now? Do I understand you correctly?

If you look to the right you will see many lessons on this page about Healing: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360 and the five stages of Detachment.

Is that something you would like to talk about?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi thelitewasatrain,

Let me join pearlsw in welcoming you to the board.  I would normally greet you by explaining some of the benefits of finding this site, but you know this already from reading your post.  I am however very glad that you did find us and that you've decided to join us now to talk about your very upsetting situation. 

I'm so sorry to hear about even such a small part, I'm sure, of what you've been through.  Your difficulty in continuing your intro is something I believe many of us can relate to, so no need to apologise at all.  The main thing is that you can be assured we are interested and listening, when you are ready to tell us more.  Share as much as you're able to when you're up to it and let us know how best we can support you.

Love and light x