Contact vs no contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,
I was abandoned 3,5 years ago by my wife. Ive never heard from her again , no response to anything. She didnt show up a year ago when i visited USA and never responded to the fact i sent her belongings back to her with help of a third party. I stopped trying to contact her since a year and thats it.
What she did has nothing in common with the person i knew and married after more than 8 years together first.
It took me more than a year after she vanished to get an adress.

I read a lot and got advice for no contact. But i am struggling now. I am doubting if i should write a letter and tell her how i feel about her behaviour, it wont be a letter with asking for explantion, and that i struggle with her way of treating ne. It would be a straight forward message about what i think is going on, what my conclusion is and that i can tell her to take a good look at herself . Its very hard to let her of the hook so easy. I know i wont get a response but thats not why i would write her, its just so antisocial cold and indifferent  behaviour that its hard not to rub it in her face so at least she knows how i feel about it.

But i just dont know, so any opinion would be appreciated.

Jo

[jo19854]

Hi all,
I was abandoned 3,5 years ago by my wife. Ive never heard from her again , no response to anything. She didnt show up a year ago when i visited USA and never responded to the fact i sent her belongings back to her with help of a third party. I stopped trying to contact her since a year and thats it.
What she did has nothing in common with the person i knew and married after more than 8 years together first.
It took me more than a year after she vanished to get an adress.

I read a lot and got advice for no contact. But i am struggling now. I am doubting if i should write a letter and tell her how i feel about her behaviour, it wont be a letter with asking for explantion, and that i struggle with her way of treating ne. It would be a straight forward message about what i think is going on, what my conclusion is and that i can tell her to take a good look at herself . Its very hard to let her of the hook so easy. I know i wont get a response but thats not why i would write her, its just so antisocial cold and indifferent  behaviour that its hard not to rub it in her face so at least she knows how i feel about it.

But i just dont know, so any opinion would be appreciated.

Jo

[Hisaccount]

Why do you feel the need to explain anything to her?

It kind of sounds like your letter is geared towards explaining your hurt and accusing her.

Which I totally understand, don't get me wrong. I had often thought of doing the same thing, but in retrospect she wouldn't read it, if she did she would just lash out at me and blame it all on me anyway, so why open myself up for that hurt.

Your letter is a great idea when dealing with someone without a broken way of thinking.

Just my opinion.

I wrote a lot of letters that I never sent, during and after my marriage. It helped me get it out. It helped me see what was happening to me when looking back on them. It also showed me that things with her were never going to change.
So why would now be different?

[Skip]

I was abandoned 3,5 years ago by my wife. Ive never heard from her again , no response to anything. What she did has nothing in common with the person i knew and married after more than 8 years together first.

This had to rock your world. I can't imagine how you've suffered with this. Clearly this has left a gaping wound and its important to try and heal it. I've read your story. It brings great sadness to my heart.

We're all here for you.

Maybe the place to start is to write that not and share it here. Let's talk about the emptiness that you feel.

Hang in there. We'll get through this.

[jo19854]

I want to thank both responders for their answer.
The suggestion that skip made is a good idea but i would like more responders in case i would post my letter. I kindly ask for moving my post to the crises board.
Thanks in advance, Jo

[happendtome]

I read your story, it's really hard. In your case I may be even write to her. It may not give you the answer, but it's understandable from your side.

I read, after George Michael died, that he avoided public, he didn't like how he looked, what he had become. Your wife may feel similar things. She knows she's not what she was or she's ashamed. It's really hard to say how she feels. She may have left you because she hates herself.

[MeandThee29]

My therapist suggested that as a way of refining my thoughts. I haven't been separated for nearly as long, but we're still in contact. My therapist said to put it in a safe place to remind me of my feelings because mine has pushed multiple times for reconciliation without seeking counselling of any sort for himself or for our marriage.

Given the time involved in your case, I probably would write but never send.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jo,

How is the therapy going and have you asked your T what he thinks about doing this?  Does he think it would be helpful to your healing?  From the way you describe him I'd put a lot of credit in what he suggests as he really seems to have your best interests at heart and is working well with you by taking things slowly to unravel all of the deep feelings you've been experiencing for so long.  How do you feel when you think about writing the letter?  What is it that you need to purge?

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

Hi jo19854,

I agree with Skip. Maybe hold off on writing your letter, it's been a few years already? What's the hurry? You could hold off on sending it for a few more weeks?

I think that you need validation - you may be seeking validation from your ex, she won't be able to do that for you but we can.

[jo19854]

Thank you all for the responses .
Yes its incredebily difficult for me, just knowing nothing at all and losing my wife like this.

For your information, my letter will take a while and i will post it here.
Later i can decide what i do with it. I will discuss it with my therapist too.
As i started my post its not about wining, begging and being on the pity pot. Its more about her actions and the impact it has on so many people involved. It wont be hateful or filled with blame, i know certain things are beyond her own power and i know that. But given the past and all the love, warmth and support she received she needs to learn too from her inhuman behaviour. Thanks Jo

[truthbeknown]

from my experience the letters are taken the wrong way for two reasons:

1. healthy people can read things into a letter (ie. tone/emotions etc.) that may or may not even be there.

2. unhealthy people or mindsets distort anyway and giving them something in written form that they view as criticism (even though to others it might not be viewed that way) will make them demonize you more. 

I like the idea of writing but not sending.  I started this practice after trying the actual sending years ago and it backfired.  I even sent a book that could explain what happened to use and she sent it back saying, "don't contact me again." So what I thought would be helpful (to someone who was emotionally available) was not helpful to someone like her.

Now I journal and talk to strangers.  I call it stranger therapy (which i guess this forum could be considered as well).   

I talk to people that I know I"ll most likely never see again and tell them the situation.  They give me healthy feedback like the on this forum.  If you've never tried stranger therapy outside of here maybe that could be helpful. 

I've also recorded audio of what i would say because hearing it is another level of processing and that helps me to get it out of my brain.