Tough time moving on

[Ragnarok4]

Never in my life would I ever think I would write on one of these message boards. I've been independent most of my adult life. Putting myself through school and having a great career as well as having some amazing close friends truly has me blessed. I've gone thru some ringers in my life no different than any one else but some obviously go thru worse.

A woman I still love till this day packed her stuff while I was at work and moved out without any warning after just celebrating our one year anniversary. There was no gradual dysfunction on the relationship (at least I didn't think so). We also run into each other regular at our jobs (that's how we met) and she acted like it was no big deal. I left her alone and didn't reach out since I took the move to make it "over." 4 months later she called and we got back together. I forgave her and we tried to make it work but things were completely different. During the time of our breakup, she started hanging out with very bad crowd and doing things that she used to admit that she never done.

I started seeing a counselor about all this when she left mainly to find out for myself if there's anything wrong with me. After a year, he mentioned that she seems like someone that has BPD and recommended to read the book Walking in Egg Shells. Needless to say the book hits home so hard and its such a shock.

When she started to evade from just minor problems and make me an option while I changed my life around for her, I had to leave. I walked out and didn't know about any of the BPD until doing a lot of research and reading the book. I was even the typical Non-BPD that reacted exactly how the book and this site mentions.

It's been 9 months since our breakup and it often feels like it just happened a week ago. I've never had such intense emotions of loneliness because I can't share this information with anyone. This is a desperate call for me. We still occasionally run into each other at work and were strangers... .again. I tried reaching out to her a few weeks back to reconcile and apologize for walking on her but she won't forgive me. I think that's what hurts the most, not being forgiven. I hope anyone from here can give me some fresh beginning guidance on how to handle this. It's hard to stay focused at work and maintain my strong close friendships. The true blessing behind this is that it has rekindled my relationship with God and increased my faith. Thank you for this and hope to meet some amazing people.

[vanx]

Ragnarok4,
Hello and welcome. Your story moves me and helps me deal with some of my shame being stuck on a 2 month romance a year later. It's hard for someone who hasn't been in this situation to understand and I think can feel alienating. I hope you feel welcome here and among people who get it.
I thought something was wrong with me too. I actually thought I had BPD because my ex was convinced I did. Well, I think we all carry old wounds from childhood, and I think the experience on the other side of BPD brings up a lot. The bad part is it is painful, but the good part is we can really grow from it. That's my opinion. But this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you at all. I think many of us can understand what you are going through, and I'm really sorry it's so tough.
I work with my ex too. It is painful at times. She appeared to move on immediately, and I am still stuck. I think it is a common story going this way, not that this makes it any easier.
I hear you that it hurts for not being forgiven. My question for you is can you give yourself this forgiveness? It sounds like you left the relationship to protect yourself. And as for not knowing about BPD or how to deal with it, how could you have known? I know you want it from her, but I want to focus on what is within your power.
At any rate, I truly feel for you. Remember to be kind to yourself.

[Mutt]

Hi Ragnarok4,

Well, I think we all carry old wounds from childhood, and I think the experience on the other side of BPD brings up a lot.

I can relate with your statement, the pain that I was feeling reached beyond a break-up, there was pain from all of the unresolved issues. Some members have issues with FOO and some don't.

Ragnarok4 you were at your anniversary mark and you had no warning, that has be really difficult to find all of her things gone when you arrived at home.

The bad part is it is painful, but the good part is we can really grow from it.

The painful part makes me think of a quote, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Yes, these are truly painful break-ups and you need the help of a village to put yourself back together, I agree there's a lot of growth.

Ragnarok4 You're not alone. I gather that in real life you can't talk about your pain family and friends or maybe you do but they can't quite connect with it or maybe you feel like they're burning out from you because you may be repeating yourself often, you may be turning to them for answers as to why your ex left the way that she did.

Think of it this way friends or family members may not understand how hard going through a divorce is, it's a life event, your ex suddenly leaving you is a life event, unless they have gone through the same event they can't fully empathize with you, we can empathize with you on these boards because we're all at different stages, we have raw members, some further along in their healing and some where their fully healed.

We'll I don't think that we all fully recover from wounds borderline ones or not, but we get past the pain, we grow from it and we learn how to carry it. Sometimes you become stronger from the experience than before you met your pwBPD.

Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (PDF)

[Ragnarok4]

vanx,
Thank you for your encouraging and moving words. I may see a counselor regularly but its definitely different when there's someone that can actually relate.
Funny you mentioned that you thought you might be the one with BPD because I was starting to think that myself. Yes there are some things from my childhood that have erupted during this experience. But most of all, it has been very humbling.
I work in the medical field and see people at their worst so it's been very difficult to function at the level I need to be at to help those in need. I don't show it much towards my coworkers but I also know that I'm not fooling anyone. But this experience has really opened my eyes towards being so emphatic with anyone that has any sort of mental/psych/personality disorder. I've always waved it by and never really seen the reality of it until noticing that I was actually living with it.
She was so involved with my friends, family and co-workers that its been hard to just pretend that i've moved on when I clearly am not. Your right in that we can grow from this pain. She has moved on with someone after I tried reaching out to her but even worse is that she's stopped contact with her friends and changed shifts due to being so non confrontational. I fear that she's on a cycle with new people that will possibly be hurt in the future.
I had a hard time with forgiving myself for awhile but I think I truly am ok with it now. It was tough for awhile because I showed immediate grace towards her after the pain I was in for her leaving the way she did. So for her not to reciprocate was tough to swallow.
My counselor says that BPDs will often make a person feel like a rescuer and since thats part of my actual job, it hurts that I can't even make a slight difference with someone I care about. And since one of the deep rooted issues of BPD is abandonment, I did the one thing that now triggers a wall with regards towards me.
Some days i'm doing good but since all my coworkers and friends know her, someone mentions her and her whereabouts and it hits pretty hard.
Thank you for your understanding. It's been rough not being able to share this with anyone. May God Bless You.

[vanx]

I see a counselor too, but I feel the same way. I started using these boards trying to save the relationship. I couldn't save it, but I found people who understand. Mutt reminds me that we don't all have the exact same story--may or may not have childhood wounds, and he's right. I think I was projecting my own experience a little. We all have our unique stories, as well as some common ground.
I'm sorry things have been tough at work. Your job sounds very demanding, so it must be hard to keep it together while you are grieving. If I may give my opinion, I don't think you need to pretend like you've moved on. It's okay that you haven't and you need to feel what you feel. Pretending you have though--I get it. It's not an easy place to be.
My ex made me feel great about myself. I loved being able to provide for her. It made me feel strong and loving. I think many of us do have desires to rescue. Obviously you can make a difference in the lives of others, and you do, in your patients and I'm sure loved ones and others. Don't beat yourself up if you can't help her. It's not your fault. It's up to her.
I have my regrets too. I had a bad argument with my ex and held her accountable for her behaviors. If I had known more about BPD, I would have behaved differently, but I just didn't know. Would we still
be together now? I don't know. I would have had to seriously consider my own limits and boundaries.
It stings to hear about an ex. I wish yout friends could consider your feelings--would it be uncomfortable to ask them not to mention her if they could?
It sounds like you are troubled by what ifs. I get the impression that you have a lot of empathy for people who are suffering. Personally, I think you deserve forgiveness and did not do something that makes you deserve otherwise. But believe me, I still go over some things in my head time to time. I would have been willing to adjust my communication and expectations, but I wonder if that would have been a healthy choice for me too.
Anyhow, give yourself time to heal. It will take time. And post here as things come up.

[Ragnarok4]

You both mentioned carrying old wounds and yes its true that I've done some of that in this relationship. I believe i was projecting some of my experiences like you mentioned before. I've just never been in a situation where I can't resolve any unfinished business. I understand that BPDs are very non confrontational and focus mainly on there own survival.

I had a great friend tell me that don't let anyone rush you to move on from grief. Take as long as you need to grief because we all grieve differently.

My co-workers and friends don't ever mention her or tell me about her whereabouts. They saw what I went thru when she left me and know that talking about her shuts me down. If anything, when she does pop up in a conversation, they tell me that I made a good move and that she's crazy but that makes me shut down even more. My goal is not to create an enemy, to slander or by any means make her life difficult thru my friends and co-workers. They don't understand nor would they care to listen what's truly going on with her or look into BPD. Some even notice that I protect her by not talking about it.

There are times where I have to have direct contact with her. Its obviously uncomfortable for the both of us. I've made some indirect adjustments with work to prevent this and its helped. I do it for her because I know how much anxiety she gets. We are cordial towards each other during the brief moments.

The what ifs were really bad in my mind when she first left me. I'm not much of a drinker at all but I went that route for a bit to calm my mind. I couldn't wrap my head around any of the behavior she did so impulsively and the what ifs were my worst enemy. Its gotten a bit easier over time with that. The drinking didn't last long so that stopped. Now that I understand more of the BPD trait, it helps to know that there was nothing I could do to help her.

Some of what I'm going thru now is... .to be honest, I'm jealous. She's moved on and i'm sure in her own way, happy but I know that it's pure vanity. Trying to focused on God's plan for me and do what I need to be doing.

It's like every emotion that hits you is another mountain to climb and when you get thru that, a different emotion sets in.

[Mutt]

Some of what I'm going thru now is... .to be honest, I'm jealous. She's moved on and i'm sure in her own way, happy but I know that it's pure vanity.

I understand, I had similar feelings she's moved on and looks happy and I'm left behind knee deep in pain. She doesn't learn from her mistakes. She keeps repeating the same things and has broken r/s's with all of her lovers.

Whilst you have the opportunity to mend wounds, grow and become the best version of yourself, not repeat the same mistakes or if you do, you'll put on the brakes much faster than the last time.

If you don't stop, grieve, self reflect what are you going to learn about how you interact with others? i.e. replacing your partner with someone new doesn't fix your problems.

[Ragnarok4]

If you don't stop, grieve, self reflect what are you going to learn about how you interact with others? i.e. replacing your partner with someone new doesn't fix your problems.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do the best I can. Some of my friends are wanting me to just go back out and date which I'm really not ready for. I don't think its fair to meet someone and if they do turn out great, I'm not emotionally stable to get back into a relationship. I don't want to put someone in a mess with me right off the bat. Thank you for your advice.

[vanx]

Wow, it sounds like you are already way ahead of where I was on the timeline of things! I respect your honesty with yourself for wanting to get stable before seeking a new relationship.
I just wanted to say too I can identify with not getting closure and with my ex seeming to move on very quickly. It's really tough. Keep up the great work on yourself! You will get through this.

[truthbeknown]

Because I just got recycled and not cast off again I'm back on the boards and I read your post and can feel for you.  I started making an association today to help with the question, "how can they move on so easily."  The executive function in the forebrain is very diminished in folks like our ex's.    I don't know why but today I started thinking about a friend of mine who's husband has dementia.   For anyone who has ever lived with a dementia patient they know that the person can seem very normal to everyone else . However, when you live with them you see everything.   

My ex that just walked away has a very bad memory and I think that contributes to her issues.   I don't think that many borderline or personality disordered people have good executive functions in there brain (frontal lobe).  Because of that they operate from their hind brain or emotional brain.  Some call it the reptilian brain.   I have studied this but when i'm in their web I get so caught up on being the "rock" for them that I forget that as soon as I'm not there they can go back into infantile behaviors because of that lack of forebrain activity.   

So just like you I"m having a tough time moving on because I'm imagining that "healthy" people should be able to "know" these things about how to treat people etc.  However, in the hindbrain there is no knowledge of this; only what is good for survival.  That's why they can turn on a dime and find someone new- hindbrain activity (find food/ safety/ security).   

In one book that I read the doctor says the hardest patients to work with are the ones that have frontal lobe deficiencies because they are not motivated to help themselves.  They rebel and therefore won't take the solutions given to help themselves.  Their hindbrain won't let them.  Think of zombie behavior.

The confusing thing is remembering when it seemed like they had it all together.  I think they were just mimicking behaviors that they saw somewhere else or out of safety and security where giving you what you/we want.

anyway,  hang in there!  i'm going through it too.  down on myself for not having better boundaries.

[Ragnarok4]

Wow, it sounds like you are already way ahead of where I was on the timeline of things! I respect your honesty with yourself for wanting to get stable before seeking a new relationship.
I just wanted to say too I can identify with not getting closure and with my ex seeming to move on very quickly. It's really tough. Keep up the great work on yourself! You will get through this.

Thank you. It certainly doesn't feel like i'm ahead of anything but I hope I can provide encouragement.

Not getting closure is so tough. When she left me, I had no idea how to handle it. I was mostly embarrassed because since she was so involved in my life and being at my job a lot, all my friends knew. No one could believe it themselves but of course at work she never told anyone that she packed her stuff and left. It was constant salt in the wound day after day. Its unbelievable the amount of pain that I've never experienced.

I can't thank you all enough for your encouragement and understanding of this.

[Ragnarok4]

My ex that just walked away has a very bad memory and I think that contributes to her issues.   I don't think that many borderline or personality disordered people have good executive functions in there brain (frontal lobe).  Because of that they operate from their hind brain or emotional brain.  Some call it the reptilian brain.   I have studied this but when i'm in their web I get so caught up on being the "rock" for them that I forget that as soon as I'm not there they can go back into infantile behaviors because of that lack of forebrain activity.   

So just like you I"m having a tough time moving on because I'm imagining that "healthy" people should be able to "know" these things about how to treat people etc.  However, in the hindbrain there is no knowledge of this; only what is good for survival.  That's why they can turn on a dime and find someone new- hindbrain activity (find food/ safety/ security).   

In one book that I read the doctor says the hardest patients to work with are the ones that have frontal lobe deficiencies because they are not motivated to help themselves.  They rebel and therefore won't take the solutions given to help themselves.  Their hindbrain won't let them.  Think of zombie behavior.

The confusing thing is remembering when it seemed like they had it all together.  I think they were just mimicking behaviors that they saw somewhere else or out of safety and security where giving you what you/we want.

anyway,  hang in there!  i'm going through it too.  down on myself for not having better boundaries.


[/quote]

This is interesting since I know she does have a terrible memory. She's highly intelligent and has 2 degrees from a respectable college. But the shocking thing is that I've never seen her finish anything she starts. She can't stick with any decision or will bounce around without any firm ground. Then will usually forget about it. At first, I thought it was stress due to work but after awhile I noticed that her memory was really bad.

The really sad part is since they have such a terrible memory or choose to dissociate, it really means that they won't remember how great someone treated them. They won't remember how much they were valued towards someone.

The boundary part is a huge thing for me as well.

[truthbeknown]

The memory thing is interesting on other levels too.

For instance, in "Cupids poison arrow" they talk about the dopamine connection with sex.  And on their forums they talk about how in the process of Orgasm, hormones are released that dampen the cognitive part of our brains.  But cuddling creates Oxytocin and that is remembered.  So in other words they are saying that after sex most people know they had sex but don't remember the feeling.  The feeling that happens with sex has to do with elevated dopamine.  But I have a theory that in BPD/npd folks that they can't remember good times because to them it might have been a temporary high like the dopamine flood with sex.  So they can't remember the feeling of the good date/event etc.- instead they just remember that it happened.  Meanwhile, pain is hard wired and easier to remember then pleasure. 

My ex i don't think remembers the feelings associated with being together and therefore that's why they chase new experiences like new partners etc because the feeling never stays with them any more then orgasms do after sex.  You have to have a new orgasm to experience it.  So my theory is that BPD's have to have new experiences to feel good again and they get bored of having experiences with one person.

Whereas you and I and other non's can remember that walk in the park on warm day and how good it felt.  So in summary, no memory; no feeling - equates to needing to find new excitement one way or an other.

[Vent]

'It's like every emotion that hits you is another mountain to climb and when you get thru that, a different emotion sets in.


It's really exhausting feeling... sometimes love,sometimes rage... mind is not stable with one emotion...