I want to get family together (My husband is BPD)

[KIBOH]

Hello, family and friends

My husband and I have been together 25 years. We have one boy. I am Japanese, and he is European in one of small richest country in the world.
We were very great couple who had 1 or 2 times conflicts first 10~15 years, we and others thought we were the “best” couple.
He was always laughing, 120% positive and zero negative. Therefore I love and respect him a lot.
He started being “different” around 911 (He lost a job, couldn’t get it over 5 years because of over qualified), then we got our son 10 years ago, he didn’t change his life style (going out every night).

There are many stories, but about 5 years ago, I was struggling why I could not discuss with him. These 2, 3 years got worse, his verbal harassment (Domestic Violence) was non-stop. His family didn’t understand, they said this is just normal couple problem. But I didn’t think so. I did notice something wrong on him.
He called me I was bipolar, now he calls me Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I used it to go to a counselor as I was a patient of bipolar. I asked him to take me to a counselor and explain why I was bipolar.
Honestly, I checked with our counselor and a psychiatrist, they said I was not bipolar. He was with me, but he (of course) didn’t believe them. Now he calls me NPD. Our counselor says his NPD became like religion.

Now we have been with a counselor 2.5 years. We find out my husband may be BPD. I read “Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook” in Japanese. I thought the tile of book could be “My husband and Me”!

Now I think he became BPD by Attachment Disorder (His mom was bossy, dad is kind of neglect). The Attachment Disorder caused BPD. My husband is alcoholic now (our counselor approves alcoholic). His alcoholism came from BPD. Also our counselor said he might be sex addict as well.

We started treating my husband alcoholism. But it may be BPD. Now I think his alcoholism is “OK”, now I concentrate his BPD.

My husband was used to be very wise person who had common sense. Now he is 180 degree opposite person of before. Was he always BPD, but it didn’t come out before?
He stopped house things (cleaning, cooking, shopping…) and taking care of our kid. And he called me I was NPD, and said untruth (I have a man to have a sex, I don’t pay rent… totally not true). He yelled me at midnight after he came from bars. I needed to work full time and at home, take care of our son. I couldn’t sleep and eat. I called my mom to come to help me from Japan. She came immediately. She knew he was so different from before, at the end, I was about to get depress, I decided to move out to keep on living with our son. It was just half year ago. Now I am back to be positive.

Before I knew he was BPD (just a couple of months ago. We thought he was just alcoholic.) , I often felt what he said (crazy, untruth) was opposite of what he wished. And I assumed his problem came from his bossy very selfish mom (may be HPD or NPD) and neglect father. After my son and I moved out secretly, I heard his sister told me that his mom and my husband got together by phone (my husband didn’t contact his parents often. Just he did by their force.). My relationship with his mom broke up 4,5 years ago when I asked what his parents thought reason why he couldn’t discuss. She started attacking me.

His mom just ended up by “physician-assisted suicide” even she was healthy. It was this Easter weekend.

My husband and I had been a great couple over decade. And as a mother of someone now, I feel so sorry for my husband a as a mother of someone now. I assume his problems. (Attachment Disorder, Adult-children) came from his parents. I wish I could “punch” to his mom’s face instead of him. This is my reason that I try to face at his BPD. Very tough, but I have many people who help me mentally. He has too, but he doesn’t open his mind, he still doesn’t tell anybody to our friends about our move out.

He shows some “SOS” or his real feeling sometimes. I don’t miss to find it. For example, at 3 people session at a counselor, he shouted at me “I didn’t want a kid!”. I burst into cry, left with crying the office. I was standing at outside of building and kept on crying. He was standing by side, said “I want to hug you, but you don’t want…”

Our communication is by only text and email. I need to contact him because of our son issue (pick up, and send to somewhere). His text/emails are extremely evil. Divorce! NPD! Our son is NPD sob! Get a lawyer! Sign Paper! You cheat! You steal money! --- all not truth… Notification sound of cell phone became trauma already (start palpitation, breath difficulty).

I just finished reading “The Essential Family Guide to BPD”  as second book. I already started using HOW TO SAY to him. I started just 1,2 months now. His text/email get better, not traumatic sentence. By chance, we need to attend our son’s school tour. I organized (as usual), I asked him to come with us.
He did once. It was first time to get three together after we moved out. Then I invited him to have a dinner together. He said “No! we are separated!”. Then he left without saying good bye to our son.

My attitude was too much for him? We had another school tour this morning, I sent reminder by text to him last night. His text was crazy: “have you talked to a lawyer yet? I need this to happen before I cooperate with you again”. My message was just about school tour. I thought he won’t come.
When we arrived at school, he texted me “Nice weather. A little chilly. Let’s meet soon”. It was 10 mins before the tour. Is he coming? I replied “We arrived. At auditorium”. 1 min before the tour, he texted me “I will come to another tour. Too busy now”. He didn’t come.
First tour, I thought he won’t come neither. My son and I were on the way by bus. The bus was so slow. He texted me he arrived at the school. He came! He texted me “retarded to take bus”, I replied “Yes, I knew.”.
I guess he took also bus, couldn’t make it in time. He pretended as if he was at home to work, but time wise, he must be on the way for the school.

He tries. But it doesn’t work well, then starts attacking me. Is this BPD? Do you think there is a possibility he would be able to get over his problem? I keep on working for job, our son and our life. I try to do my “best” for my husband too. Sometimes, I feel so tired, like now. (But I can recover again.).

I am sorry my English. And I don’t have a time to read back my sentence.
I would like to share with people who have same problems.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[pearlsw]

Hi KIBOH,

Welcome to the family! Your English is fine,  no worries. I am sorry you have been struggling with such difficulties and are feeling tired! You have expressed a lot here. None of us can say for sure if he has BPD. What is important for now is if you do recognize your husband has BPD traits the information on this site can help you begin to make sense of the many issues this raises.

Currently you and your husband are separated? You are only in contact by email and text but are trying to co-parent? Is that correct?

My husband claims that he was not always like this (showing BPD traits). I have no way to know if that is accurate or not so I just focus on how it is now. And now he has these traits and it can make life difficult, but I am doing my part to improve things. I can't change him, but I do have some hope for a more peaceful life after being here many months and trying out these tools. We'll see!

You say perhaps your husband's Attachment Disorder relates to what seems to be his BPD. And now he has alcoholism. My husband is not an alcoholic, though I do keep my eye on it as I think he is sort of using it to balance himself. I am not sure. Is your husband in treatment for this?

My husband and I also come from different countries and cultures and speak in his non-native language together. These kinds of things can set us up for extra communication issues. It requires a lot of patience and a strong effort to communicate in a way that keeps us both happy. It is daily work, but worth the effort. (Check out the lessons on the right side of the board. Even if you have minimum contact having a clear sense of the how you want communicate could make you feel you are least doing your best.)

There is a lot about mindfulness on this site and those kinds of skills might help you, as they have me, with relating to my partner when he is dysregulating.

Does your husband want the separation? Is he doing a push-pull with you? It sounds like you are hoping to be with him?

Keep posting - it helps all of us when we share our stories, insights, and strategies to make life better!

[KIBOH]

Hello!

Thank you so much for quick response!
I wanted to reply soon (very much so because I was so happy!), but I can write only in office when my work is done. (I have no time and energy to do at home.)

I didn’t check the web yet, am just reading Randi’s books now.
Yes, my husband (B) is BPD traits. According to our counselor and another therapist says he may be depress and BPD including a bit NPD.
On Randi books, I can see most BPD traits on B. It was very astonished. He is a type of BPD traits which other people cannot see (Only to me.).

Our son and I moved out this end of February to place where it takes 15mins away by subway from “his” place. I wanted to keep same school for our son. B and I have no family member in US, we need to pick up and send our son to soccer practice and so on. So we need to corporate for our son’s issue, we contact each other by text and email.

His email/text are like evil, makes me crazy (start palpitation, breath difficulty, get my hands and mind so cold... ) But when I pick our son up from B, B is a little smiling, but never look at my face, doesn’t say anything. B leaves from us immediately. I really think B is quite timid person. I just say “Thank you, B. Bye” with normal voice. I think B is afraid to talk to me directly. (he wasn’t like that before.) Instead, B sends me crazy, nasty email/text.

Our counselor said B was 100% alcoholic. After 2.5 years, our counselor says B may be BPD with a bit NPD. B and I went out every nights for bars and parties before our some came out.
Both of us are quite “strong” for alcohol. B keeps on going out after our son was born every nights. These 2 years, his amount of drinking of beer were crazy, like 5-10 paints a night. He gets $200.00 cash every second day (He doesn’t buy anything.). His eyes are like snake’s, had delusion (he said I had a man who had a sex. I don’t, am Not interested in, and no time to do.). Every nights after bars, he did verbal harassment (DV. “This is my lease! You should move out!” “You don’t pay rent!” I paid half! “No sex, no marriage!”… ). What he said are untruth, totally wrong. I couldn’t sleep and eat, then I felt I would have depression (mental ill). I called my mother from Japan to help me, she came immediately. She knows B over 20 years as well, and noticed B was totally different person from before. During her stay for a month, I decided to move out. I wanted to tell B it, but at the end, we decided not to tell him, just move out secretly because we felt it would be dangerous.

I think B has some phobia. He goes out every night (He had stayed home only 5,6 times in 25 years). I guess his bossy mom always said him to stay home (Her world was only family). B moved out from parents home when he was 17 to somewhere in same city (very small in the small country). When he said he was tired (Well, he doesn’t say this often), I told him “why don’t you stay home then?” He goes “Don’t say what to do!”. Wow, wow I don’t mean that much. But why? He flushed back about his bossy mom? Anyway, he “could not” stay home because I was at home. He used to say “Why do we need to stay home if we live in big city.” I really think he cannot be real mean relaxing. It seems like he doesn’t notice it. He never say “Ohh, I am so tired~!” or “I don’t want to go to work today~~~!” kind of things.
Anyway, we are not at “his” apartment, it seems like he sometimes stays home or goes to movie instead of bars, which means he tries not to drink much even he doesn’t accept he is alcoholic. I think he is alcoholic man who can manage drinking a bit. He is smart guy, he know not only he is alcoholic, but also he knows he has some problem (like BPD).

We have a tons of friends (we knew them from bars and parties), but most of them don’t know our some and I moved out from his place. He doesn’t have a friend who he can talk everything (even his siblings). I guess he doesn’t know how to make real friend. (Therefore I doubt about  Attachment Disorder)

Personally, I know him very well. I believe I am a person who knows him most in this world. And I am a person who is “rational” a bit.  If he won’t get better, I am ready to give him up. I am thinking and searching way to live with our son by myself in a same time. In this moment, I don’t think it is necessary we need to be separated. There is no reason. He just couldn’t match up life change (lost job, have a kid), he felt so lonely during I was taking care of our kid (baby) because we went out every nights! This must be the reason he became crazy. He couldn’t accept life change. He left me and baby ever nights. I have been like single mother since our son was born. I was so exhausted to do something for him. But I asked him to set baby sitter for us to go out together. I couldn’t organize more than that.

He is a person who doesn’t (or cannot) do anything what he says to do. Like set up trip for visiting families, vacation, now divorce.
He keeps on text/email me “Get a paper. Sign it for divorce!” . I replied “I don’t have time and money for it. You can start it too.”

I have felt often what he says to me are mostly opposite what he really wishes in his bottom of his heart. Is it not BPD traits?
I cannot explain well, but I can see some  “SOS” during his craziness. As I said, I am not romantic, dreaming woman. I accept reality even hard, but I can see his SOS. I feel so sorry for him, therefore I want to deal with his problem.

Do other people struggle this?
Can I “struggle” more?

I have a great family in Japan who I can communicate by email or phone, and many great friends who know us, understand and help me. My own friends know already, but our mutual  friends who know our story are only two. They don’t talk about it to B when they go out with B. Basically our friends are great people,  want to help us. I wish B could speak out and share his hardness with someone. And B and I need to talk face by face. But it seems like B tries to avoid it when we have a chance so far, and send me crazy email/text (I keep all of  these as records) “Divorce!” “You are NPD!” “You cheat me, steal money from me!”

I know we may need more time to talk face to face, but how can I approach him to meet? Does someone have idea?
I know I cannot force him, should not give him any pressure. It seems like when he feels any stress (including loneliness?) , he tends to send me these. Or he is real “evil”!

I am sorry, I cannot write and explain, and no time to fix.
I hope you could understand.

Thank you!

[pearlsw]

Hi KIBOH,

This all sounds so difficult and confusing! It sounds like it would bring you some relief to just understand why he behaves this way. Have you seen this part of the site where it explains some of the various BPD traits one might exhibit? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc

Keep in mind BPD does not exactly the same from person and someone can suffer from multiple issues simultaneously. Do you think that is the case?

I wondered for a long time if my partner was bipolar or borderline or had depression or ADHD. I had no idea. I now relate most to explaining how is to via understanding that he had BPD traits. Some of this may also be cultural. I don't know.  I just focus on the tools I can learn here to better respond to him and not make things worse.

In time I will be able to better decide if this is the life I want to have or not, but for now I just give it my best.

Sometimes people with BPD push away. It is called "splitting us black." There can be a lot of push/pull in such relationships. My partner threatened many times to break up with me, and stopped contact with me in the past, but he has not ended it. He works hard now not to be so extreme on this point at least.

Alcohol is also making your situation even more complicated. With this out of control I am afraid you might not see much else improve. Is he open to seeking help on at least this issue?

Warm wishes to you! Take care. 

[KIBOH]

Thank you for your post.
I had read and am still reading Stop Walking on Eggshells & The essential Family Guide to BPD (Both in Japanese).
My husband (B) had been changed from ZERO mad person to totally around 6,7 years ago. These three years are worse.
I guess he is not good at life change, such as lost job (approx.10 years ago) , had a child (10 years ago). He works “normally (I guess)” at world biggest art organization in the world. The person who had never gotten mad over 10 years, I got confusing when he got mad. My reactions to his madness/attitude might make his BPD traits worse. I want him to believe I am not against him. Still now. But he never ever listen/believe me anymore. Or he cannot accept what I feel. He may not be able to say “sorry” or “help me” after he messed up all (Like our son and I needed to move out from “his” place to be in safe from his verbal harassment)

He mentioned what he would do, but he has never done anything from him. I organized all.
He cannot face at me when I see him (basically when I pick our son up from B), doesn’t talk to me anything. We need to contact each other about our son issue.
Recent his text/email are just repeating same things.
1.   “Too long. I won’t read it.” --- He said he won’t read emails and texts which has more than 3,5 lines.
2.   “Get papers (divorce)”
3.   “Sign papers”

I had told him many times he could start the process of divorce, and I had no money, time and energy for it. But he has never done so far, and keep on sending same things to me. I gave up to reply for it now.

I don’t know about BPD traits parts much yet, but I do know him very well. My five senses work fully 24/7 even I live in different place.
Basically I think he has totally no idea how he could get out from trap which he set by himself. And his family cannot support him. He has many friends, but has no friend who he can share his problems/sadness/loneliness with. Therefore I am only person who is his “vent” of his emotion.

I am looking for a chance to talk to him face to face. But it seems like he is not ready, he can say only “No!” to me. Then “Sign paper!” “Get divorce!”…
He won’t do it by himself. I think he knows he would be completely alone if he does from him. 
Our counselor thinks B is a person who cannot do anything by himself, reason why he doesn’t start divorce from him because 1) B wants to tell our son “Mama started it”, 2) B doesn’t want to feel guilty later to start divorce from him.

There are no reason we needed to be like this. Because what he said are totally untrue, such as “I have a man who has sex with me.” “Steal money (I earn half of his salary, but I pay more for life.” “You don’t pay rent! (I pay half amount of rent even I earn less than him)” “You are not interested in music, culture and movies! (I don’t have a time and energy because someone needs to take care of our son. B goes out every night for bars, lives, movies)”

I don’t have just hope or dream, and I am also ready to give up someday too, but I don’t give him up yet, because simply I don’t feel it is necessary to give up so far. And I really think he became like this because of his parents (How to grow up).

It looks like he have completely been trapped by his trap which he created by himself. I wonder if he could get out of it or not. He may have an image of his mom who believed she was always right. (I assume she IS origin of this unhappiness for all of our families). He may need her image (symbol of bossy power) to keep him “strong”, and to justify what he does to me using her power.
B’s mother also misunderstood me, and started being against me. She died this April by assisted suicide for no reason (She was healthy, had only knee and back ache a bit) in a small country where approved it first time in the world. She had completed to be selfish till end of her life. It seems like no one couldn’t stop her as usual. B and I problem must let her do this, of course. She called B just 2 days before the day. B didn’t go back to his country after then, I forced him, then finally he went there with our son 4 months later. This her action may make B worse too. Crazy. It seems like he cannot share his hardness with anybody yet. (He told our friends, but it seems like he just talked about this story). I want to share and heal with him, but I cannot approach to him easily! I just keep on sending short message by text/email following instructions in these books. Ahhh, very long way…! Or endless? It is easy for me to give up something, but some people cannot do easily, right? Poor him. Such poor person he is. But I keep on going…!

Hi KIBOH,

This all sounds so difficult and confusing! It sounds like it would bring you some relief to just understand why he behaves this way. Have you seen this part of the site where it explains some of the various BPD traits one might exhibit? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc

Keep in mind BPD does not exactly the same from person and someone can suffer from multiple issues simultaneously. Do you think that is the case?

I wondered for a long time if my partner was bipolar or borderline or had depression or ADHD. I had no idea. I now relate most to explaining how is to via understanding that he had BPD traits. Some of this may also be cultural. I don't know.  I just focus on the tools I can learn here to better respond to him and not make things worse.

In time I will be able to better decide if this is the life I want to have or not, but for now I just give it my best.

Sometimes people with BPD push away. It is called "splitting us black." There can be a lot of push/pull in such relationships. My partner threatened many times to break up with me, and stopped contact with me in the past, but he has not ended it. He works hard now not to be so extreme on this point at least.

Alcohol is also making your situation even more complicated. With this out of control I am afraid you might not see much else improve. Is he open to seeking help on at least this issue?

Warm wishes to you! Take care. 

[KIBOH]

For addition, he seems like he tries to control amount of drinking alcohol. I think he has possibility to do, but not completely by only himself. He is a person who once decide, he does.

Thank you for your post.
I had read and am still reading Stop Walking on Eggshells & The essential Family Guide to BPD (Both in Japanese).
My husband (B) had been changed from ZERO mad person to totally around 6,7 years ago. These three years are worse.
I guess he is not good at life change, such as lost job (approx.10 years ago) , had a child (10 years ago). He works “normally (I guess)” at world biggest art organization in the world. The person who had never gotten mad over 10 years, I got confusing when he got mad. My reactions to his madness/attitude might make his BPD traits worse. I want him to believe I am not against him. Still now. But he never ever listen/believe me anymore. Or he cannot accept what I feel. He may not be able to say “sorry” or “help me” after he messed up all (Like our son and I needed to move out from “his” place to be in safe from his verbal harassment)

He mentioned what he would do, but he has never done anything from him. I organized all.
He cannot face at me when I see him (basically when I pick our son up from B), doesn’t talk to me anything. We need to contact each other about our son issue.
Recent his text/email are just repeating same things.
1.   “Too long. I won’t read it.” --- He said he won’t read emails and texts which has more than 3,5 lines.
2.   “Get papers (divorce)”
3.   “Sign papers”

I had told him many times he could start the process of divorce, and I had no money, time and energy for it. But he has never done so far, and keep on sending same things to me. I gave up to reply for it now.

I don’t know about BPD traits parts much yet, but I do know him very well. My five senses work fully 24/7 even I live in different place.
Basically I think he has totally no idea how he could get out from trap which he set by himself. And his family cannot support him. He has many friends, but has no friend who he can share his problems/sadness/loneliness with. Therefore I am only person who is his “vent” of his emotion.

I am looking for a chance to talk to him face to face. But it seems like he is not ready, he can say only “No!” to me. Then “Sign paper!” “Get divorce!”…
He won’t do it by himself. I think he knows he would be completely alone if he does from him. 
Our counselor thinks B is a person who cannot do anything by himself, reason why he doesn’t start divorce from him because 1) B wants to tell our son “Mama started it”, 2) B doesn’t want to feel guilty later to start divorce from him.

There are no reason we needed to be like this. Because what he said are totally untrue, such as “I have a man who has sex with me.” “Steal money (I earn half of his salary, but I pay more for life.” “You don’t pay rent! (I pay half amount of rent even I earn less than him)” “You are not interested in music, culture and movies! (I don’t have a time and energy because someone needs to take care of our son. B goes out every night for bars, lives, movies)”

I don’t have just hope or dream, and I am also ready to give up someday too, but I don’t give him up yet, because simply I don’t feel it is necessary to give up so far. And I really think he became like this because of his parents (How to grow up).

It looks like he have completely been trapped by his trap which he created by himself. I wonder if he could get out of it or not. He may have an image of his mom who believed she was always right. (I assume she IS origin of this unhappiness for all of our families). He may need her image (symbol of bossy power) to keep him “strong”, and to justify what he does to me using her power.
B’s mother also misunderstood me, and started being against me. She died this April by assisted suicide for no reason (She was healthy, had only knee and back ache a bit) in a small country where approved it first time in the world. She had completed to be selfish till end of her life. It seems like no one couldn’t stop her as usual. B and I problem must let her do this, of course. She called B just 2 days before the day. B didn’t go back to his country after then, I forced him, then finally he went there with our son 4 months later. This her action may make B worse too. Crazy. It seems like he cannot share his hardness with anybody yet. (He told our friends, but it seems like he just talked about this story). I want to share and heal with him, but I cannot approach to him easily! I just keep on sending short message by text/email following instructions in these books. Ahhh, very long way…! Or endless? It is easy for me to give up something, but some people cannot do easily, right? Poor him. Such poor person he is. But I keep on going…!

[pearlsw]

Hi Kiboh,

Nice to hear from you again. It sounds like you are trying to Save the relationship. He wants a divorce, but you do not, but he can bring himself to file the divorce papers. Because you have a child communication is necessary.

Hmmm. I think there are a lot of things here to consider.

I know when I first came to this site (and still until today) I find I need to read all I can to make sense of these behaviors. I think you are in a similar place. You need to make sense of your husband so you can understand what is happening.

In time you may also want to find tools to communicate with him, at least on how you will co-parent.

How long has it been like this - with him being away and only talking to you very little? Does your son see his father? If yes, how does that go?

Take care and I hope more members will join us here to discuss these many issues with you!

[KIBOH]

Thank you for reply again.
I am sorry, I was simply busy to reply! I really appreciate.

Well, we have (had) been great couple over 20 years, then this thing happened by untrue things. I really think just broke up by these reasons is  simply weird. But I don’t mind to keep relationship or not neither. And I am very interested in BPD somehow, I want to “test” to get over BPD with our case! (This is crazy part of me…But I have been interested in phycology nearly 20 years by chance. I had read many books before we got these problems. I read about child abuse, Lust murder, multiple personality disorder, “Murphy’s law”, “The Celestine Prophecy”, Sathya Sai Baba… any related psychology and spiritual. Now I got BPD books which is more specific topic. Therefore I doubt that  I might have been preparing for this case! We cannot go through BPD problems with not only knowledge of BPD, but also with feeling in our bones and so on, right? It seems like Randi’s books of BPD are about life/whole world/universe!)

Honestly I think HE IS the person who doesn’t want to get divorce. I have often thought what he said was what he didn’t want. Then I found BPD traits. It totally made sense for me.
The reason why he HAS TO (I think) keep on being nasty is that he may have some “phobia”, like “I have to do this, that!” all the time. (I think this is related his mom, by the way).  I think B, a smart guy must know sometimes how stupid what he does sometimes. But he cannot change.

What I try to do in this moment is to make him “calm down”. I started with a little tiny things, such as to put his name on each text/email (“He, B.” Good morning, B” “Thank you, B”). And when I pick our son up from B, I also call B name (then our son name) “Hi, B!” “Thank you, B.”. He doesn’t (or cannot) call my name anymore. I think to call name is nice. So I do all the time. And also I try to use the tools (to communicate with him) from these Randi’s books every day (yes, every day, 24/7!)

I would like to answer your question:
1)   How long has it been like this --- He showed BPD traits clearly these 2.5 years.
2)   - with him being away --- Our son (almost 10 years old) and I moved out 28 Feb this year
3)   and only talking to you very little? --- It seems like it is hard for B to talk to me directly. (B cannot look at my face when we meet) Also B declared “I won’t go to the counselor! He is helpless!”, so no three people session (Well, I don’t want it neither because I know it won’t work. Once he said Black, he has only Black.) He must be so scared to talk with me because this smart guy know what he does to me (I really think so.). So our communication is by text/email only so far.
4)   Does your son see his father?: B’s sister set that our son stays at papa’s place every second weekend (from Friday night to Sunday for 2 nights. B follows her rule. She didn’t ask me anything about it, but I accepted without saying. This weekend is papa’s) . And I ask B to pick our son up for soccer practice 3 times a week) or for dinner when  I need to do over time or so on.
5)   If yes, how does that go?: No matter what, B does what I ask him at the end.

B just doesn’t know how to accept my requests obediently. He tends to make all complicated because he may need to hide his weakness, complex, inflexibility or something, I guess. (Most his actions/words make his own grave as a result.)

I wish BPD traits, Black or White, and fear to be alone,  would “work” to recover him. Do you know what I mean? Once he/I could break his “wall”, it would be better. Yes, the wall is very strong, thick and tall. But there must be a way to break it!

I knew he had BPD traits just a couple of months ago from our counselor. It made my feeling comfortable because I didn’t need to wonder what is his problem. Even he is not BPD specifically, it helps enough.

Thank you.

Hi Kiboh,

Nice to hear from you again. It sounds like you are trying to Save the relationship. He wants a divorce, but you do not, but he can bring himself to file the divorce papers. Because you have a child communication is necessary.

Hmmm. I think there are a lot of things here to consider.

I know when I first came to this site (and still until today) I find I need to read all I can to make sense of these behaviors. I think you are in a similar place. You need to make sense of your husband so you can understand what is happening.

In time you may also want to find tools to communicate with him, at least on how you will co-parent.

How long has it been like this - with him being away and only talking to you very little? Does your son see his father? If yes, how does that go?

Take care and I hope more members will join us here to discuss these many issues with you!