No Contact & Guilt, BPD Mother

[kiramagica]

Hello,

I recently read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and discovered this forum through the book.  

After studying a great deal on personality disorders, I've come to recognize that my mom has borderline, the 'waif' subset.  I've struggled for years, trying to assist her with numerous problems, validating her sense of victimhood, and feeling that all my energy & resources were being wasted as she readily took in all the attention, sympathy, and advice I gave her, while never taking true action or responsibility to resolve her issues.  

Recently, I decided to start putting up boundaries, telling her that I could not play the role of therapist any longer, that I was not going to give her sympathy, and that I needed her to take action to start resolving her problems, because the constant negativity was so very draining.  Needless to say, she hasn't responded well.

She has been accusing me relentlessly of 'not caring' about her, of feeling unloved, and even of being emotionally abusive.  In public, she has started openly weeping in front of others and saying these things.  She has been making constant passive-aggressive insults towards me, and, the worst, is that she has threatened half a dozen times to commit suicide.  I have encouraged her to go to counseling, which she has done, but then stopped.  

I myself, struggle with PTSD, and this recent turn of events has triggered me so deeply that I have a hard time functioning.  I lovingly told her a week ago that I needed space, to reflect and determine how our relationship could proceed, which is what I'm doing right now.  

Naturally, I am extremely worried about her, and feel extremely guilty for withdrawing my attention and support.  I am an only child, my stepdad passed away seven years ago (she's a widow), and she has pushed away all of her siblings due to her dysfunctional behaviors.  She does have one close friend, but he is struggling with a lot of health issues right now, which puts more strain on her.

The issue is, with my PTSD, I do not cope well with stress.  I used to be a Social Worker, and had to leave the profession after being hospitalized for stress several times.  I have tried my whole life to be 'stronger' and to 'endure', but at 38 years old, the only thing that has worked has been to remove the stress from my life. I'm emotionally fragile from a lot of trauma I've endured, but I do maintain very well and am generally very happy / functional, as long as my life is stable and free of extreme stress.  

I have been contemplating no contact, but naturally the guilt of abandoning her consumes me.  On the other hand, if I attempt modified / low contact, I run the risk of inevitably being triggered by her, which is emotionally paralyzing to me.  I can't sleep or eat, have nightmares, and can't stop replaying the triggering event in my mind.  

Many of my friends have told me that I have to look after my own mental health first, no matter what. I'm just scared that she will attempt to hurt herself, if I abandoned her indefinitely.  

If anyone has any feedback, or insights, or words of support, I would be extremely grateful.  As I'm sure you all know, this is an extremely painful situation to find one in.  

Much gratitude, and I'm happy to meet all of you,  

[kiramagica]

I am currently on a temporary no-contact interval with my BPD mom.  I've attempted to put up new boundaries with her these past few months, as I've grown really burnt out with attempting to be her emotional care-taker for many years now.  I've always hoped she would reach some level of emotional stability, but it only seems to grow worse the more supportive I try to be.  She's responded to my boundaries by lashing out with insults, reiterating that I don't love her, sobbing openly in public, calling me 'abusive', and threatening suicide. 

What's complicated about this situation is that I struggle with PTSD and I don't cope well with stress.  I used to be a Social Worker working in crisis situations, and eventually had to quit after being hospitalized for stress.  As much as I've tried to be 'strong' and 'endure' my PTSD triggers, I've found after 38 years that the only way to feel OK is to remove them.  I can function quite well and am generally very happy, as long as there's not a lot of stress in my life.  My mom's recent behavior has been so triggering for me, I feel emotionally paralyzed and am barely functioning.  Like an endless nightmare, the episodes stick in my head and I can't get them out.  The toxicity of it all is like a poison that makes me sick, that I can't detox from.

What is even more complicated, is that I am an only child, and my mom's husband passed away 7 years ago.  While there are acquaintances in her life, I am the only close relationship she has (she lives alone).  She has pushed away most of her siblings and other extended family with her negativity and constant 'victim' 'helpless' behaviors.

I am at a crossroads where I'm contemplating whether or not to go no contact permanently.  The reality is, if I go low contact, and give her the opportunity to trigger me, I will keep falling into these rabbit holes that take weeks to get out of, and my own health and well-being will continue to be vastly compromised. 

If I go no contact, I'm so scared about the pain it would cause her.  There is a very valid concern that she may attempt suicide.  I do care about her, and naturally I would never want to inflict pain on her.  I've spent so much of my life, for many years now, trying to alleviate her pain (to no avail).  However, after several horrific traumas of my own, I don't feel emotionally equipped to be a supportive presence to her, amidst all her extreme emotional volatility.  In truth, it takes all of my resources just to maintain my own mental health & functionality.

At times, I feel like she's drowning, and I don't have the strength to keep her afloat, without her dragging me down, too... .

I was hoping to hear how you all have navigated this particular subject, of no contact?  How has it worked out for you?  How does the BPD mother react to it, internally and externally?  How have you coped with the guilt, and at what point do you feel it is justified? 

Much gratitude, and my heart goes out to all of you, as well.

[losthero]

Welcome!   Your story is VERY similar to mine. I too am a social worker and had to leave direct practice due to PTSD and stress from a Queen/waif mom who has NO respect for my boundaries or mental health.  YOU have to take care of your mental health and physical health.  Your needs are important. It is okay to put your needs before hers.  I tried no contact, low contact and very very low contact.  Right now VV low contact works best for me.  I live 350 miles away from her and we only communicate through letter writing.  I blocked her from my phone.  Whenever i talked to her I would have a panic attack.   She too has ruined all of her relationships with all of her friends and family and she iis a widow as well.  My little sister married a very controlling narcissist and has no contact with anyone.  I am alone to deal with her.  My mom has also lied about me and falsely accused me of stealing money or abusing my kids whenever I tried to say no to her or enforce a boundary.  Its sad but some people feel they have a right to abuse you just because you are their child and have to put up with it.   
 You dont have to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse.  You shouldnt.  Sometimes its best to walk away or take a long break to care for yourself.  It concerns me that you were hospitalized. Your body just cant handle her neediness and drama filled crazy making.  Please be kind to yourself.  Put your needs first.  You are worth it. 

[madeline7]

I vascillate between LC , NC and just plain contact. My issue is that my Mom is now in her late 80's, recently widowed and uses that to draw me in. Before she was elderly, before she was widowed, she did all kinds of toxic master manipulation. Dad was an enabler and family played out this sick drama, and now the pattern is well established for her. I am starting to have anxiety surges, health concerns, insomnia due to the stress of caretaking an elderly widowed uBPDm. Last year I went NC, initially I was anxious but after 2 months I relaxed into a happy state. I felt like for the first time I could be my authentic self. Then she was hospitalized and I went back to LC. Now she is becoming more frail and I am back to where I started, and the vicious cycle continues. I am finally learning that I do have to take care of myself. The stories on this board have been so therapeutic for me. I wish you peace.

[Panda39]

Hi Kiramagica,

I'm on these boards because of my Significant Other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  The two of them share two daughters and each daughter deals with her mom differently.  D21 is very angry and her mom (with good reason) and went NC (very very very low contact - talks to her maybe 1-2 times a  year) with her about 2 years ago.  D17 is low contact keeps contact mostly via the phone... .calls & texts and very occasionally will go out for lunch or shopping.  I think D17 still hopes that if she gives her mom another chance she will get the mom she hope for.

My hope is that someday both will have radical acceptance around their mom, truly understand she is who she is, she is going to do what she is going to do, and have a relationship with her that is healthy for them.  Not a relationship that is anger, and not a relationship where you hope for something that just isn't there.  I know it isn't simple... .it's actually very complicated having a mentally ill mom 

I just want to point out that there are all kinds of different levels of contact, in all kinds of different forms, and nothing is set in stone.  It's okay to go NC forever if you need to, it's okay to go NC for a while to regroup/take a break, or learn more tools, or realize it's not the right thing for you, it's okay to go low contact maybe you just send an email once a month or whatever you decide to do it can be flexible and fluid. 

But whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself because it is the right thing for you.  Don't let the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) over take you in your decision making.  Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act, taking care of yourself is self love. 

Panda39

[kiramagica]

Thank you so  much everyone, for sharing your stories, insights, and for your wonderful support.     It's very reassuring that so many others have gone through similar experiences, and that I'm not alone here.

The pattern I continue to see is that, with low contact / no contact, people do become happier, healthier, and more of their 'authentic' self.  I feel intuitively that this is the best path for me, but the guilt has been such a big barrier.  However, when I think back on all the hours of my life I've spent trying to help her, over all these years, and I reflect on what good that has actually done... .it reminds me that I don't actually have a lot of power to truly help her, anyways.  Only SHE has the power to help herself.

What I do have the power to do, is to take care of myself and create a life that is filled with joy, happiness, and love.   

Thank you again for all that you've shared.  I feel validated & empowered.  Blessings to you all~