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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: How Soon Before He Contacts Me Again?  (Read 397 times)
JWebb88

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« on: October 19, 2017, 09:11:37 AM »

I recently discovered by ex boyfriend had a child with his rebound. Despite his last goodbye text message (after his unbalanced girlfriend harassed me on his number), I'm wondering if the ex was in fact serious? For example,
during the nine months he and I were apart M (my ex) kept contacting me. He never mentioned his rebound's pregnancy, kept hinting at missing me, got territorial at the thought of me dating, and would want me to send him selfies etc. Basically, he kept toying with the idea of us reconciling and dangled that carrot in front of my nose while we've been broken up.

Additionally, M would hack into my Facebook and attempt to access my Google account. I have recently changed my FB password, so as to avoid him doing this again. (His last attempt was last Friday. The Friday proceeding the Monday he had told me never wanted me to contact him again). M also has not blocked me on FB messenger or Snapchat. All he has done on Snapchat is unfriend me. One would think if he were serious about never speaking again that he'd block me, yet he hasn't.

However, I do acknowledge that my ex might be playing games with me. For example, perhaps he's taunting me by not blocking me? Or he wants to see what I'll do? I don't know. I do know that the bombshell of his newborn baby with his affair partner (yes, he cheated on me with her) has changed everything between us. He portrayed K (the gf) as something temporary as well as a source of unhappiness, but that could have been for my benefit. He wanted attention from me, so he could have pretended he was unhappy etc. (Although, admittedly, K is notorious for infidelity, unstable behavior, manipulation, and has admitted to using their baby via text to me as a means to entrap M). Whatever the case, wouldn't this revelation mean I'll be too much of a bother to reconnect with?

I'm wondering if my therapist and psychiatrist are right: M has a pattern and will most likely not deviate from that pattern. (The pattern being reaching out to me). In essence, I'm wondering if he'll try another recycle attempt. Considering he is in a volatile relationship with someone just as unbalanced, would recycling me be something he'd consider? Or will he leave me alone since he feels trapped (due to her and their newborn) and because reconciling would be too much of an emotional hassle?

If anyone has any wisdom they could share about this issue, I'd be happy to hear it. For the moment, I'm anxious about the thought of hearing from him and from being forgotten by him. I feel like an emotional yo-yo. Really, I just want to know what I can expect so I can prepare for it, and get into a calmer frame of mind. Thanks. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2017, 05:46:15 PM »

Hi JWebb88,

Welcome

The news of your ex having a baby with the person that he cheated with you on would be hard news to take. I'd listen to your T and P's advise, is he good with children? You didn't mention if he had kids prior to meeting you. It could put a lot of pressure on their r/s.

What would you like if he contacted you? Do you want to get an explanation as to why he didn't mention the pregnancy in the last 9 months? Would like to reconcile? Do you want to move on?
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JWebb88

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« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2017, 09:17:43 AM »

Hi JWebb88,

Welcome

The news of your ex having a baby with the person that he cheated with you on would be hard news to take. I'd listen to your T and P's advise, is he good with children? You didn't mention if he had kids prior to meeting you. It could put a lot of pressure on their r/s.

What would you like if he contacted you? Do you want to get an explanation as to why he didn't mention the pregnancy in the last 9 months? Would like to reconcile? Do you want to move on?

My ex did not have any children. He and I had lost a child due to a medical issue, which resulted in a medical abortion. However, while I was pregnant (it was unplanned) he had some violent flare ups. He felt pressure as well as frustration, which he would take out on me and his mother. Once he even threw his cell phone at my head. At the time, I had chalked it up to him having explosive anger episodes due to how he'd compartmentalize his emotions.

I have no idea if M is good or would be good with kids. He was always okay with my young nephews, but could only take them in small doses. Usually, M would need constant breaks from them. When I was pregnant, before I thought we'd lose our child, I had told him that he and I had to pursue therapy. We needed to be the best versions of ourselves for our baby which, at the time, M had agreed to.

Honestly, I highly doubt he and K are in therapy or any sort of counseling though. Their relationship is built on less of a solid foundation than ours ever was. Additionally, M dug his heels in about therapy after our loss. I imagine he's doing the same in regards to his current situation. As for K, she doesn't strike me as the type to be self aware enough to see a therapist. I say this from my experiences with her, especially since she is also a known narcissist. (I mean, she admitted to getting pregnant to entrap M. She only regards her child as a means to an end, not a joy). If these two last another year (let alone six months), I'll be surprised.

As for what I'd like from M, it would be an apology. Not an "I'm sorry and now I need something from you apology," but a sincere apology. Considering his mental state, I don't know if M is capable of such contrition.  I'd also want him to sincerely listen to me. He frustratingly never gave me the chance to articulate how his actions made me feel or how his treatment of this situation affected me. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to desire being heard, nor unreasonable of me to want an explanation.

In the end, this betrayal from M hurt me profoundly. Was I perfect in our relationship? No, however, I did accept my shortcomings. I also always tried my hardest to improve myself as well as put him first. For loving him as fiercely, patiently and unconditionally as I have I know I did not deserve this cruelty. Would I like a reconciliation? I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still a part of me that didn't fantasize about this. If he came back offering everything I'd need to trust him again, followed through with therapy, and never strayed from our relationship then, ideally, I'd be content. Happy even.

Still, life isn't a fairy tale. Such imaginings are only that: Imaginings. They are not real. In all reality, M will most likely repeat his pattern of self destructive behavior. Even treatment for his BPD and Narcissistic traits would take years to unlearn, control and understand. As much as I love him (may always love him) logically, I know I should move on.

In addition, I don't think I could stand having someone as selfish and mean spirited as K in my life. I'm positive that whatever happiness M tries to carve out for himself, K will attempt to sabotage. I know she'd have a field day if he ended up choosing me over her. She's a vindictive human being; a snake in the grass. People like K do not take rejection well and, as a result, will do anything to hurt those she perceives have wronged her. I sadly believe she'd use their child has a bargaining chip as well.

Overall, I don't know what I want from my ex at the end of the day. Short of some acknowledgement that he hurt me, I'm unsure of what else I long for. Do I continue to love M? Yes. Does he love me? His actions speak otherwise. For now, I'm letting go of the notion of any sort of reconciliation or contact. And, no, I am not going to reach out to him either. I just hurt and am anxious for what he might do in the future. I thought I knew M so well. That I had mapped out his heart, mind and soul with precision like any good cartographer would. I suppose I was wrong. So, what now? What should I expect now? That's all I really wanted to know.  

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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2017, 07:05:20 PM »

It's a horrible feeling to have no closure and to have no opportunity for a mature conversation like the one you describe, whereby you can share your feelings and have these validated and understood.  One where he acknowledges what he has done and the pain he has caused you.  It sounds a lot like the type of conversation one might expect from an emotionally healthy partner or ex partner.  I'd like to cautiously try to manage your expectations here.  In reality this may never be possible as your ex simply may not be capable of having such a conversation.  Guilt, and worse, shame is probably the most toxic thing a pwBPD can experience.  I'd imagine he would be faced with bucketfuls at the prospect of such an interaction with you.  We share on this board so frequently that we'd all like closure, some acknowledgement of the behaviours and their impact.  Pretty much all of us at some stage have felt this way.  You will also read very often the realisation that this closure we seek must come from within ourselves.  It's really hard to let go of the need for that validation and acceptance from our exes, however often this is the only way to move forwards. 

Regards your question about what to expect.  I'd suggest expect nothing but what you can control.  We can't control what our ex partners do, only what we do and how we choose to go forwards.  It will do nobody any good to feel on pause, waiting for what is to come.  That's akin to treading water.  Try with all your might to take the reins here in your own life and make decisions that serve you.  Focus on what you can do for yourself now to restore yourself and heal. 

It's great that you have support and I'd suggest you make maximum use of it, as well as thinking about what you would want your life to look like in the future.  I found setting myself goals - starting small at first and building upon these - gave me a way to harness the energy that had previously gone into the r/s.  I put this instead into me and it has paid off.  I'd encourage you to find the best ways to do this also.  Ensure you are doing what you love.  Make the most of this time, free of drama and chaos, to enjoy the peace and ease that begins to come to the surface as the pain gradually fades.  Connect with others and turn your attention to your well being in every aspect of your life.  This is an opportunity for a fresh chapter, so write it as you'd want it to read.

It hurts to lose someone we love, and it isn't easy at all, but small steps add up.  It can be scary to start over, but exciting too.  Remember to congratulate yourself when you do something positive towards moving your life in the right direction - no matter how small.  Eventually you will realise how far you have come and can be proud of yourself.  We will walk with you.

Love and light x 
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Gauntt
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« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2017, 02:59:09 AM »

Forgive me if this is too blunt, but why the heck would you want him to contact you? That's a horrible idea. Concentrate on yourself only for a while and move on with your life.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2017, 05:24:25 AM »

Forgive me if this is too blunt, but why the heck would you want him to contact you? That's a horrible idea. Concentrate on yourself only for a while and move on with your life.

I had said there was a part of me (the part that still loves him) that feels disappointment that he's discarded me, and there isn't any contact. However, I go on in my original post to say I want to move on. I acknowledged that the missing him was irrational in comparison to what I actually needed, which is to move on.

In fact, I had made this post because I wanted insights. You see my ex has caused me to develop severe anxiety attacks as well as PTSD, and one of my triggers is receiving any sort of contact from him. Yes, I have blocked him, yet that hasn't stopped my ex boyfriend from developing new ways to reach out before. I guess to help me cope I wanted to be forewarned. I'm hoping if I know what to expect then I can better prepare for it etc.

So far, I feel that the point of my post has been lost in translation. I'm not mourning any lack of contact here.  Instead, I'm trying to prepare myself in regards to what he might do next. Even though I truly care for him, I recognize that his advances are not genuine. Furthermore, since he has devalued me said advances have become especially toxic as well as psychologically harmful. I simply wanted to know if (because of his new situation with his rebound) if I can breathe easy, or if he won't stray from his pattern of reaching out. 
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JWebb88

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« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2017, 05:30:58 AM »

It's a horrible feeling to have no closure and to have no opportunity for a mature conversation like the one you describe, whereby you can share your feelings and have these validated and understood.  One where he acknowledges what he has done and the pain he has caused you.  It sounds a lot like the type of conversation one might expect from an emotionally healthy partner or ex partner.  I'd like to cautiously try to manage your expectations here.  In reality this may never be possible as your ex simply may not be capable of having such a conversation.  Guilt, and worse, shame is probably the most toxic thing a pwBPD can experience.  I'd imagine he would be faced with bucketfuls at the prospect of such an interaction with you.  We share on this board so frequently that we'd all like closure, some acknowledgement of the behaviours and their impact.  Pretty much all of us at some stage have felt this way.  You will also read very often the realisation that this closure we seek must come from within ourselves.  It's really hard to let go of the need for that validation and acceptance from our exes, however often this is the only way to move forwards. 

Regards your question about what to expect.  I'd suggest expect nothing but what you can control.  We can't control what our ex partners do, only what we do and how we choose to go forwards.  It will do nobody any good to feel on pause, waiting for what is to come.  That's akin to treading water.  Try with all your might to take the reins here in your own life and make decisions that serve you.  Focus on what you can do for yourself now to restore yourself and heal. 

It's great that you have support and I'd suggest you make maximum use of it, as well as thinking about what you would want your life to look like in the future.  I found setting myself goals - starting small at first and building upon these - gave me a way to harness the energy that had previously gone into the r/s.  I put this instead into me and it has paid off.  I'd encourage you to find the best ways to do this also.  Ensure you are doing what you love.  Make the most of this time, free of drama and chaos, to enjoy the peace and ease that begins to come to the surface as the pain gradually fades.  Connect with others and turn your attention to your well being in every aspect of your life.  This is an opportunity for a fresh chapter, so write it as you'd want it to read.

It hurts to lose someone we love, and it isn't easy at all, but small steps add up.  It can be scary to start over, but exciting too.  Remember to congratulate yourself when you do something positive towards moving your life in the right direction - no matter how small.  Eventually you will realise how far you have come and can be proud of yourself.  We will walk with you.

Love and light x 


Thank you for your advice. I do have one further question: Because his rebound's pregnancy has brought him shame, does that mean he'll never reach out? I'm trying to emotionally prepare myself for this.

My main goal is to become indifferent in regards to any tactics he may use to entice me into conversation. I made this post in order to ease my anxiety. I thought having an inkling on what to expect would make me feel like I was more in control of the situation.

Additionally, I am trying to curb my thoughts from straying to my ex-boyfriend. I understand that I cannot predict the future, however, I'd like to feel calmer about it. I'd like to become more in control of myself. I suppose that's what we're all trying to do, right? Move on, heal and rediscover our independence again.

Again, thank you for your comment. It was much appreciated. 

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