Why do I feel like I screwed up?

[truthbeknown]

Recently, at the end of July, I got re-cycled.   I wasn't planning on it but after being willing to walk away from a dsyfunctional relationship with suspected covert narcissist and BPD girlfriend, I got pulled back in. 

Here's how it happened:

She told me she didn't want to be in a "committed relationship" but every time we ran into each other at friends, she would want to touch me and get close and even kiss me goodbye.  I put up a boundary to that and then in return she became more distant and started going out on dates (found out later). 
Three weeks had passed and I was in NC mode because she was ignoring me after that( I was very hurt and down.  I took a job in June and the last contact I had with her was on July 1st.)

Then one day she sent me a text with a picture of her and something she had found that related to me. 
It was a synchronistic event because I had visited one of our old stomping grounds and put a heart shaped rock somewhere that only she would know about.  Actually, i placed several of them in the tree.
When she texted me she asked if I "knew this rock" and that started the conversation.  I was cordial and replied yes and quite honestly i was happy to hear from her.   I did mention to her that I took a new job and would be leaving that area and would like to say goodbye.   She agreed to meet me on the following Sunday which was a few days away.  That morning i texted and no answer until a little later.  I found out she had been in the hospital with a heart attack.  I was very concerned and went to visit her.  She was happy to see me and I kissed her even in front of her parents like we were an old married couple or something.  Her parents left and we chatted for some time. 

The following week we reconnected several times and i was there to help her.  On the weekend she came over to my hotel (where i was staying for work) and asked if she could stay with me.  She was afraid to be alone at that point.  I agreed.   Instead of just cuddling and going to sleep she got a little sexual with me and said it was helping her take her mind off her fears etc.   It was mostly touching etc but it was still sexual.  I have a habit of liking to please her and make her feel good so i went along with it.

From that point to the next time we saw each other a few weeks ago, we remained in contact.  At first she was very available to me and texted me things like "i miss you" and "how's my little badger" etc.  But then the messages started tappering off to the point where i was the one initiating the contact more and more.  Even so I was still happy to talk with her and see her through Facetime.  The week before I was to come back in town for my next work gig, she was saying "excited to see you!" etc.   "looking forward to our date".   

The first time i saw her we hugged and a quick kiss on the lips.   We shot baskets at her local club and it felt like old times.   She invited me back to her house and once there I actually tried to kiss her a little more passionately.  She seemed distant in that kiss and did not respond how she typically would.  We sat down and talked at the table and i noticed her eye contact was wavering.  I took note of this but said nothing. 

The next day she invited me to go sailing with one of her acquaintances.  It was fun and great to see her.  She did not touch me or get physical with me (like she tried to when we were broken up the last time).  I found this interesting too.  At the end of the ride, she did put her hand on her guy acquaintance's arm and then once he left she said goodbye to me.  We hugged but no kiss. 
I didn't think about it at the time but this pattern continued over the next few days.  She would not be physical with me in front of friends but alone no problem.  It's like she didn't want them to think we were close (was my perception).

We went out on Friday night and did some Karaoke.  I thought it was fun. It was a double date.
That night she came back to me hotel and we made love.  Everything seemed perfect until the next night.  We went out to see a band and again no hand holding or closeness while we were together but walking back to the car she took my hand/arm.  When we got to the hotel, she brought up an issue with the couple we were hanging out with.  She thought the place they were going to was a place for swingers (i now think she was just a little paranoid about that but who knows).   She asked if I would ever do this?  I said, "heck no.  I like you all to myself!"   She replied, "me neither, i would just like to go out on dates and explore having fun but not get intimate with anyone."  I thought that was weird for her to say and it was the first time this story came back up since our reconnection the preceding time in my hotel. 

Somehow the conversation took a turn and she said, "how about we redefine our relationship?" She wanted to define it as we could be sexual partners (like fwb) but see other people.  I said, "well listen I know with my current job it puts me in a situation where we are like long distance partners but I still want to see you and remain connected with you.  If that is what you want then I would have some requests before I would agree to this (hyperthetically).   I told her what my requests were which was to be open if something escalated with someone else and she became intimate with them and i would do the same for her.  She got a little offended by this.   All of a sudden the conversation went from her suggesting fwb to her turning it around on me like i was saying she was "easy".   

I managed to change the subject and say we don't have to decide right now lets just stay in the moment. From there things got sexual again. 

In the morning I woke up feeling really weird.  I felt a bit used believe it or not. And I felt like my boundaries sucked and was feeling guilty about that.  I couldn't believe I would have sex with her after she said she wanted to see other guys.  Truthfully, in looking back, i was hoping it would bond us so yes i was being selfish.  To me sex is love and I have a hard time changing my view on that.  I am and was in love with her and wanted to express it.  I was hoping she would "feel my love" and bond with me.
Boy was i wrong!

In the morning, she was distant and I had to leave for work.  She felt like I was abandoning her even though she had moved to the other bed.  The projection continued but i had to go.  She thanked me for everything and then I had to leave.  It was a mistake.  I wish I could have taken back the last night.  I wish I could have just cuddled with her and maybe the leaving for work wouldn't have been so dramatic for her.  I knew better because I know a little about BPD but up to this point it felt like she was more NPD so I thought if anything she wouldn't feel abandoned.  I was wrong again.

I did see her that night.  Stopped by her house.  She was distant.  She had told our other friend that she loved me but was not "in love" with me.  She likes to give the friend messages bc she knows she can't keep a secret and will tell me.  I wish she would have talked to me about that. 

We agreed to talk in a few days and that seemed weird too.  She was acting hurt but also like she had made a decision about us.  I was awaiting to hear.  That Tuesday night she called and it was like 11:30 pm at night.  She told me she fired her therapist (male therapist) because she didn't like a look he gave her when she talked about intimacy with her ex husband.   The previous week she had told me that two of her friends were not talking to her anymore.  She justified this and said it was for the best but that they had gotten something out of the relationship with her.  She also said, they were never really friends.  I knew this was not a good sign.  I should have re-directed her and asked to speak in person but i got caught up in my listening/empathetic role for her. 

She talked about not wanting to have sex with someone if she wasn't in a committed relationship.  I asked what she thought we were?  she said, "well it doesn't matter because I don't want to be in a committed relationship but I feel comfortable with you physically."   I maintained composure until I asked her what she would tell her child if they came back from college and said, "mom I met this great guy and I think i love him but he just wants to sleep with me and tells me that he wants to be with other girls."  I asked her what she would tell her kid.  She said, "I tell her you deserve better then that and to move on." 

At this point I was flooded.  I asked her if that is what she wanted me to do? She changed the subject to critiquiing something about me.  I take nutritional supplements and she tried to say i was an addict. 

I told her that I won't try to contact her if she wants to go back to seeing other guys and that I couldn't believe this was happening after all the fun times we had over the last week and after reconnecting after her heart attack.  I said, "its too painful to go from making love to you to hear you talking about wanting to be with other men in any way shape or form."  I emphasized that my door would always be open if she decided to change her mind and wanted to go out with me again.  I thought this would help defray any abandonment issue but I was wrong.  I think she distorted this closing statement.

I even broke my rule and called on that Friday because it was a special religious holiday that we share and i wanted to have peace or a call to peace.  She was glad I called and apologized for her behavior (sleeping with me when we weren't in a committed relationship).  I still don't understand that because we weren't seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone else.  She invited me to come over to her house and to go to services and I was almost ready to say yes and then she dropped the final bomb.  She said, "I told my sister that we were done."  I said and what did she say?  She told me that her sister said, "how can you be done- you're friends?"  Her sister and no one other then one friend knew that we were in an intimate relationship.  I asked her why she told her that?  She said, "why not" we're not going to do that anymore.  (she was referring to sleeping together).  I did text her that night and told her i couldn't come over but maybe we could meet one one before i left.  She never called me and I didn't call her.  I guess we were both too wounded.  I don't know if i made a mistake?  I feel horrible not seeing her but my pride was at stake too.  Somehow telling her sister we were done really kept me from calling her- it hurt alot.

Okay, I know this is alot but I needed to get it off my chest.  I'm in so much pain, I question whether i have developed some over emotional disease like BPD.  Is it normal to feel so much intense pain over someone I have loved but doesn't love me back or know how to love me back.  Or am I just crazy too now? Did i screw up by not calling her before I left?  I don't know?

I'm still hurting and everyday I want to call her and smooth things over.  I want so much to reach out to her that now i feel like an addict!  How can i be so longing for her but she doesn't even seem to concern herself with me? we go from making love to this!

By the way ladies, this is what i struggle with- that typically this is what women say men do to them but as an empathic "nice guy" this is my second partner after divorce like this.  The other was during my long separation period and then once i got divorced she dropped me.  Found out she had been sexually abused so that made sense at least (even though it hurt).  This one was harder because she treated me like a boyfriend and connected me with her family.  Now I'm not sure if I screwed things up at the end by having poor boundaries, (phone conversation even though she initiated it, telling her i wouldn't call her anymore (I was hurt and trying to have self respect).

I know i'm being hard on myself and there is a big part of me that feels like I dodged a bullet and that being with someone who has NPD and or BPD is just not going to work.  However, I miss her and thought after her heart attack she would see the light.  Truth is; she doesn't have the capacity to appreciate.  Like a teenager that you do stuff for and they just expect it! 

So sad

[Mutt]

Hi truthbeknown,

Okay, I know this is alot but I needed to get it off my chest.  I'm in so much pain, I question whether i have developed some over emotional disease like BPD.  Is it normal to feel so much intense pain over someone I have loved but doesn't love me back or know how to love me back.  Or am I just crazy too now? Did i screw up by not calling her before I left?  I don't know?

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Many of us on this forum can relate with your pain. Don't put all of this on your back, a r/s takes two people and you're right, your ex can't reciprocate in a r/s. I read your thread and I think that your values don't align, she didn't break up because of something that you said, did or didn't do.

The core criteron for BPD is fear of abandonment, a pwBPD fear being rejected, left alone or abandoned so a pwBPD may create exit plans when they're in a r/s with someone because they anticipate that they're going to be abandoned. That being said.

If she doesn't want to reciprocate in the r/s and only wants physical intimacy without emotional intimacy, she's using you.

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do,You seem like a nice guy, I'd recommend that you work on detaching, you can find the lessons on the right side of the board for that, you're worth a lot more than just FWB.

[truthbeknown]

Mutt,

thanks for the support.  I think what's hard about detaching from a r/s like this is for me - I don't want to be like them.  So the thought of detaching makes me think about how easy people with addictions or BPD or just folks who are emotionally unavailable are and I don't want to be like them.  However, I do know that I have to put this behind me.  It's probably my projection that I think she should have similar values (like if you're intimate with someone it means something).  I know better now not to do this again with someone until I know what there intentions are or until we have been going out for quite some time. 

[Mutt]

Hi truthbeknown,

Projection is a good observation, how we see things, interpret them is not necessarily the same as someone else, I think that you'll have an advantage if you differentiate your reality vs someone else's.

I can see how you wouldn't want to be like a pwBPD and attach quickly and emotionally detach just as quickly, the truth is a pwBPD don't completely detach. What you want is to pull the good people close and have boundaries with people that don't treat you with respect, kindness and don't take advantage of your good heart. So you're not necessarily detaching from everyone, detach from people that harm you.

Not everyone is going to treat like how she treated you, boundaries are meant to be flexible, let someone in and see what they're like, if they mistreat you give them a chance and you can decide if it's someone that you want close to you or not.

[truthbeknown]

Mutt,

thanks for the perspectives.   I really relate to the whole "splitting" thing.  Even if she was part NPD vs part BPD,  I still feel split because I think that is her projection that I'm taking on.

I'm definitely obsessing about her and what went wrong.  It's like my mind is trying to find a solution where there is none and that's what makes it play over and over in my mind.  One therapist told me that because personality disordered people give you what you want and then take it away- it creates an induced addiction like gambling.  You get rewarded and so you come to expect it- when its' taken away, you keep trying to "pull that lever" as if you'll find the reward again.  He said, in healthy relationships there is consistency (or at least mostly) and when there is conflict a healthy partner will want to work towards resolving it vs running away and finding a new partner or experience. 

I also realize that my over empathetic nature gets becomes a problem.  I think of how her behaviors could make sense.  ie.  getting out of a 20 year marriage and being afraid of commitment.  While i understand that, i don't think it's fair to sleep with someone and then tell them that right after or near the time after you sleep with them.  It feels abusive/inconsiderate/immature.

If she had said, "hey, my name, you're a great guy but i'm just interested in dating and not anything more right now." then i could have handled that better.

Also, if that had happened at the beginning versus the feeling of being used and now onto the next one- I would be doing better. 

If I do have some kind of addiction; I think it is misplaced hope.  I get involved with someone and if some behaviors are off in the beginning I tend to flood myself and them with hope that things will either go back to where they were or change (ie like they will snap out of it and want to get some help).

I was hopeful when she scheduled to see a counselor but on the day she pushed me away she had also fired her male counselor. 

So the take away is that i have to have boundaries for myself too.  I have to have a boundary for hope.

[once removed]

If she had said, "hey, my name, you're a great guy but i'm just interested in dating and not anything more right now." then i could have handled that better.

she did say this here:

She told me she didn't want to be in a "committed relationship" but every time we ran into each other at friends, she would want to touch me and get close and even kiss me goodbye.

and it sounds like you both approached this on different pages, going along with and reading into each others signals, not quite having a clear sense of direction of your own, and seeing the limits of this dynamic.

If I do have some kind of addiction; I think it is misplaced hope. 

one of the most important things ive learned since my breakup is how relationships evolve and how they break down. it gives me a more realistic outlook and keeps me grounded when im unsure of myself.

as you say, this is not the first time youve gotten into this kind of dynamic, and that suggests there is work to be done. do this on the Learning board. explore these things. we can help.

[truthbeknown]

she did say this here:

and it sounds like you both approached this on different pages, going along with and reading into each others signals, not quite having a clear sense of direction of your own, and seeing the limits of this dynamic.

one of the most important things ive learned since my breakup is how relationships evolve and how they break down. it gives me a more realistic outlook and keeps me grounded when im unsure of myself.

as you say, this is not the first time youve gotten into this kind of dynamic, and that suggests there is work to be done. do this on the Learning board. explore these things. we can help.

Yes it's true she said that after she got off anti-depressants.  I knew her mind may need some time to re-calibrate.  However, when it got out of control I was ready to part ways before she sent me the pic.  Then she had the heart attack and she told me things like, "my name, i realized after going out on the date with, so and so, that I missed you."  or "since i've had my heart attack, I think I'm realizing more clearly how I feel about you."   The problem that I ran into with her is that there are two sides to her.  One says those things and the other is a very Judgemental side.   Her mom is a very controlling Narcissistic person and her dad is very sweet.  I think she takes on both of their personalities and switches back and forth between them.  That's why I kept hanging in there.  Hoping that the sweet personality that she displayed more when on the meds would win out.  I think if she had stayed on meds things would be different. 

I know logically that i am better off.  Recently i saw a friend who is married to someone who struggles mentally and is on meds.  She said she loves him but would advise anyone including her kids that if they find out they are dating someone with mental illness or who is on meds to NOT get involved romantically.   She is very loyal and that is why she is staying right now.  Also she came from divorced parents so she doesn't want her kids to experience that.  For me, I'm sort of loyal to a fault to. 
I had selfish reasons for wanting it to work out.  I was very attracted to her in several ways and we had a connection in our religion.  Finally, there was a subconscious link up.  I see her as a grown up version of my kids who struggle with a BPD/npd mother.  I see how it warps their perceptions and I know how i struggled when i was in relationship with her.  This woman was like a grown up version so subconsciouly i think I was really being in her corner and hoping she would work through the dynamic of what her mom does to control her life and triangulate her with people.    I realize now that I was getting drawn back into the "white knight" mode by doing that.  Bad habit.   The good news is I'm aware.  The bad news is another one bites the dust and i'm feeling flawed for not being able to attract of find a healthy partner.

[once removed]

the heart attack definitely through a wrench in the system. that sort of thing, as you know, gets people thinking about mortality, makes everything going on seem so immediate and urgent. you were there for her, she appreciated that (and you), it bonded (or rebonded) the two of you. it wasnt necessarily a sustainable foundation going forward.

The good news is I'm aware.  The bad news is another one bites the dust and i'm feeling flawed for not being able to attract of find a healthy partner.

self awareness is the catalyst for change. change itself comes from hard work. and some things arent necessarily "changeable" but "manageable".

i felt flawed for not attracting a healthy partner too. i determined i wasnt "flawed" in the sense that im not a loveable person with nothing to give. i just had some work to do (we all do). i moved from a sense of "im the problem" to "im the solution".

are you seeing a therapist?

[truthbeknown]

Therapist:

i had a few sessions but because i am traveling i decided to wait awhile.  But I think that it would have helped me and if i do engage in a therapist i would like to find someone who is well versed in personality disorders.