Mother in Law with possible BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good afternoon everyone, I am sorry this may be a long post.  My husband, his siblings and their spouses, as well as myself see BPD traits in my mother in law.  She has had these traits for as long as we can remember.  She has always had fits of rage that are either unprovoked or for very small reasons.  We have always let it roll off our backs and let her have her fits of rage, say the hurtful things and then go back to normal.  But about 10 years ago she got on pain pills.  Since then, it has slowly gotten worse.  When we are around her we feel like we walk on egg shells, we don't know what to say or do out of fear of her.  Most recently though it has gotten the worst it's ever been.  She started talking about aliens, conspiracy theories, the government was watching and listening to us.  This went on for a few months, and then she started seeing snakes that weren't there.  She started putting holes in her walls and tearing down her walls.  Digging holes in the backyard, and saying more hurtful things to her children than she's ever said before.  She threatened my brothers wife, and now is spreading rumors about me, horrific rumors that have torn me up.  She has called her grandchildren horrible names to their faces.  My father in law is so stressed out, and just doesn't know what to do.  He says he feels like he's lost her, she's not the woman he once knew.  We are very afraid, and it's to the point now that my husband has decided to cut contact because of the verbal abuse.  He did tell her that the only way she could heal the wedge she has created is to get help.  Also meant to mention that she does not and has never taken responsibility for any of her actions.  She never says she is sorry, and always blames the events on someone else.  Now since she is having delusions i really am not sure if this is BPD like we had speculated.  We don't know if it's also large in part of her abuse of prescription drugs.  Anyone have any advise for a family that is being torn apart, and for my father in law that has no idea what to do to get her help since she doesn't see anything wrong.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks!

[Struggles]

Good afternoon everyone, I am sorry this may be a long post.  My husband, his siblings and their spouses, as well as myself see BPD traits in my mother in law.  She has had these traits for as long as we can remember.  She has always had fits of rage that are either unprovoked or for very small reasons.  We have always let it roll off our backs and let her have her fits of rage, say the hurtful things and then go back to normal.  But about 10 years ago she got on pain pills.  Since then, it has slowly gotten worse.  When we are around her we feel like we walk on egg shells, we don't know what to say or do out of fear of her.  Most recently though it has gotten the worst it's ever been.  She started talking about aliens, conspiracy theories, the government was watching and listening to us.  This went on for a few months, and then she started seeing snakes that weren't there.  She started putting holes in her walls and tearing down her walls.  Digging holes in the backyard, and saying more hurtful things to her children than she's ever said before.  She threatened my brothers wife, and now is spreading rumors about me, horrific rumors that have torn me up.  She has called her grandchildren horrible names to their faces.  My father in law is so stressed out, and just doesn't know what to do.  He says he feels like he's lost her, she's not the woman he once knew.  We are very afraid, and it's to the point now that my husband has decided to cut contact because of the verbal abuse.  He did tell her that the only way she could heal the wedge she has created is to get help.  Also meant to mention that she does not and has never taken responsibility for any of her actions.  She never says she is sorry, and always blames the events on someone else.  Now since she is having delusions i really am not sure if this is BPD like we had speculated.  We don't know if it's also large in part of her abuse of prescription drugs.  Anyone have any advise for a family that is being torn apart, and for my father in law that has no idea what to do to get her help since she doesn't see anything wrong.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi Struggles

Welcome to bpdfamily. Your mother in law's behavior sounds quite problematic and concerning. You see certain BPD traits in her and based on your post she also seems very delusional.

It's never pleasant when people tell lies about us. Even though on a rational level we might know that it's the disorder talking, on an emotional level it can still very much hurt, also of course because other people might believe the lies.

You say your MIL is verbally abusive and that you are very afraid now. Is she also physically abusive? Are you afraid because she is now also exhibiting delusional behavior which might make her even more unpredictable?

What was the reason she got on pain pills 10 years ago?

To help you find new ways of dealing with your MIL, it might help to take a look at this thread:
BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Struggles]

Thank you so much for your reply, I will def be reading what you suggested!  She has been physically abusive in the past.  She has slapped my sister in law, and gotten in several physical altercations in her life.  But has not been physically abusive to me.  I think the reason I am afraid she will get physically abusive is because she in the past few weeks has threatened my sister in law and told my husband in no certain terms that she would stalk me.  Since then I have felt like a prisoner in my home afraid she will come here while my husband is at work.  She has also done that in the past, as well as showed up at my work in the past and gotten in my face.  I think now that the delusional behavior has started in I am afraid of what she will do as well.  A few weeks ago she followed me into a bathroom, grabbed my arm, tried to block me in the bathroom.  It was very scary. 

About 10 years ago she got into a car wreck and that is when she started pain pills.  She had expressed earlier this year that she wanted to be done with pain pills, and tried to stop on her own but was unsuccessful.  We believe it's been harder for her to get pills from the doctors and found out that her doctor released her from his care. 

My father on law is at a loss as to what to do, but at the same time I think he thinks it will just go away.  He has started to have headaches, and has even been in the hospital because of how bad they have gotten.  We try telling him it's stress (scans on his brain have come back normal). 

We really pray that she sees how she is pushing everyone away.  The people I feel for the most are the grandchildren.  We don't speak about what's going on in front of them, they are seeing the behavior she exhibits and are starting to push away as well.  Thank you again for your reply!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Struggles! 

I am very sorry for all the turmoil that is going on in your entire family. I would be scared as well.

It sounds as if you all live close to your mother in law. Do you know if she is still getting pain pills or have they begun to decrease her dosage in order to help her wean away from any dependence she may have on them? I work at a physician's office, and I know that in the US there is a lot more regulation of pain meds. There are many side effects that the meds can cause, and I wonder if her meds may be causing the delusional behaviors. Do you have any reason to suspect that it could be something else going on, such as advancing mental illness or dementia? Has she seen a physician in recent months? It is good to keep a record of her behavior changes and when you noticed the changes taking place.

As to the safety of all, has anyone made inquiries about what can be done for protection? What about reaching out to a local aging agency? She sounds quite unstable, and I'm glad that you are limiting contact with her for your own safety.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction bursts

Hang in there. I'm glad you are asking questions!
 
Wools

[Struggles]

Thank you so much for your reply and the link.  I am not aware of them reducing her dosage.  But I do know she gets pills from other places than from a doctor.  Earlier this year, she told me she ordered a "supplement" online and told me the name.  I wish I could remember what it was now, but when she told me the name of it (I believe it started with an R) I immediately knew it wasn't a supplement and looked it up.  Come to find out it is a prescription medicine and very dangerous.  I read the side effects to her and told her that she did not order a supplement that she ordered a very dangerous medicine and told her to never take them again and to flush them down the toilet.  I asked her where she ordered them from and she said Amazon.  I knew she was lying about where she ordered them from, and now realize she probably knew exactly what she was ordering.  She didn't flush them, because in the incident when she saw snakes that weren't there, she brought those pills down and insisted she hadn't taken anymore of them.  Even insisted my sister in law count them.  She didn't count them.  She said she knew it could have been a new bottle.

We do live fairly close, and the NC situation is easy for text and calls, but we are very close to our other in laws and their children and they are neighbors.  So of course we will see her at events and when we visit them.  Anytime I know I'm going to see her I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. 

We have talked to my father in law about getting her help, he said something was going to change when he got out of the hospital, but he hasn't taken any steps to get her help.  My husband explained to him that he will no longer come to their house or be around her, and that when we are in the area that his father can come see him at our other in laws home.  We are all more worried about my father in law at this point because of how it's effecting him.  We can always hang up the phone, not answer texts, or avoid seeing her, but he doesn't have that luxury.  I can only imagine what it is like living with someone who has this disorder. 

Thanks again for reply, this board has been so helpful.  Writing down my feelings helps me so much!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Struggles

Been a while, but I still wanted to respond to this part:

I think the reason I am afraid she will get physically abusive is because she in the past few weeks has threatened my sister in law and told my husband in no certain terms that she would stalk me.  Since then I have felt like a prisoner in my home afraid she will come here while my husband is at work.  She has also done that in the past, as well as showed up at my work in the past and gotten in my face.  I think now that the delusional behavior has started in I am afraid of what she will do as well.  A few weeks ago she followed me into a bathroom, grabbed my arm, tried to block me in the bathroom.  It was very scary.

Her past behavior is quite concerning indeed. Coupled with her current delusions, I can understand why you are worried.

How is the situation with your SIL now?

[Struggles]

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks for checking in.  We Are NC with my MIL.  My husband blocked her from his phone.  For a while after this last rage fit I stayed so anxious.  Couldn't sleep, and when I did sleep would have nightmares, but my anxiety has gotten a lot better. 

Our other family that we are extemely close to live next door to her, we went to visit for the day, but we did not see her.  I was very surprised she didn't try to come where we were.  My husband still doesn't wish to speak to her or see her.  We will be at an event for one of our nieces next week and she will be there.  So we hope she doesn't try to make a public display again like last time.  That's actually why we spent the day with the rest of the family last weekend so that if she felt the need to say something or cause a scene she could do it privately with the family instead of publicly next week. 

She has gotten worse with the tearing down walls and putting holes in walls, now she is actually pulling the floors up in two rooms of her home.  My FIL is at his wits end with it. 

I just keep wondering where her rock bottom will be to realize that she needs help? 

I don't remember if I mentioned in my last post that we found out her doctor she was getting her pain meds from released her from his care, we suspect she may be on street drugs since the delusional behavior, but can't say for sure. 

[Kwamina]

She has gotten worse with the tearing down walls and putting holes in walls, now she is actually pulling the floors up in two rooms of her home.  My FIL is at his wits end with it.  

I just keep wondering where her rock bottom will be to realize that she needs help?

It is sad that she is spiraling out of control so. I hope at some point her behavior will change for the better. You mention your FIL too, you still have contact with him?  

I don't remember if I mentioned in my last post that we found out her doctor she was getting her pain meds from released her from his care, we suspect she may be on street drugs since the delusional behavior, but can't say for sure.

Yep, you mentioned it. Who knows what kind of pills she might be taking now. It really is sad how disordered she is and how much this affects the entire family.

Take care

[Struggles]

We do still have contact and are close with my FIL and the rest of the family.  My husband explained to him that he would no longer come to their home, and my FIL completely understands.  So my husband lets him know when we come visit the other family so that his dad can come over and visit with us and they can have father son time.

I hope that she does seek help soon. 

Thank you again for checking in!