Mom has BPD

[atomicE]

I'm in my 40's and finally after years of suffering learned that my mom has BPD. It wasn't through her therapist, or the psych ward she was admitted to, nor one of the countless doctors she has seen through the years... .it was my own therapist after the second appointment. She mentioned it and I went home and started reading the similarities kept growing and growing. Every question on every site was like yes, yes, yes. It's like when you're sick you don't want to know that something is wrong, but knowing what is wrong can actually be a relief because it means you can stop searching for the answer that may never come. That's how I'm feeling. Relieved to be able to put a name on all this madness for my entire life. Relieved to know I am not crazy and my mother has been horrible to me, but it's not because she's an evil person. Relieved to know there are steps I can take to help myself. Still many many questions to answer, but just knowing my feelings are real and shared by others has meant so much to me. I have felt truly hopeless in the past year and that has all changed in the past 24 hours.

[2sobermom]

please everyone, note that these suggestions and tips and hard-earned lessons are so valuable!  I am new to this site, having written about my son. 
But I want to say that I am just getting thru years of CPTSD, having lived with a BPD mom.  And so is my sister.  mom died 34 years ago, and every time I and my siblings would start to talk about her, we would all get so nervous, as though she was right there and about to pull something.
None of us could put together a complete enough picture to guess at what was really wrong, and the seriousness of this disorder.  But just the fact that her behavior affected us for so many years after her death tells us how pervasive it is, and how serious.
We can get past the damage, and healing is happening.  We didn't have the advantage of a forum's help in the past to alert us to putting the clues together for so many years, but we do now, and I am grateful this is here.

[HappyChappy]

Welcome AtomicE,

Your introduction is a very good synopsis of how many on here feel when they first land. And 2sobermom makes a good point, lets learn from other peoples mistakes, forewarned is forearmed. So please feel free to ask the questions you have, discuss any frustrations, or give moral support or tips to other. As someone from a BPD family, you are more than qualified to comment on these pages. Welcome to you both.  

[momisborderline]

I can really relate to your post. My mom is also an undiagnosed BPD and it was my therapist who  mentioned this. Then I started reading "Walking on Eggshells" and became so certain that this was the situation. Two days ago I made the decision to go absolutely no contact with my 75 year old mother. This is really hard, she is unwell and will eventually run out of money and be forced onto Medicaid. I've had to tell myself I can't stop this airplane from falling out of the sky. But it's still hard. Good luck to you, and I'm glad you are in therapy with a therapist who understands this baffling disorder. 

[2sobermom]

i read Surviving a Borderline Parent, which was hard to get through, emotionally.  At first, I just read selected parts.  That was all I could digest. 
The knowledge and support in this field has grown so much in the past 10 years.  I know it's a spectrum disease, but in the early 2000's, therapists were loath to take on someone with this disorder, as it was very frustrating and ineffective.
And to have a forum as well, that's a super plus.

One of the things I did to get better, which didn't immediately help but did help in the long run, was spend some weeks writing out my anger.  That was for nobody's eyes but my own.  Since then, my therapist has noted that I speak about my mom with sadness, and where's the anger?  I realized that I really did get rid of it by writing.  I know this isn't for everyone, and it didn't even feel like it was helping me while I was doing it, but apparently it was a good help in getting me to move on in the process.
i feel like it could look like i'm at an advantage as she has been deceased 34 years, and she's no longer actively disruptive,  but on the other hand, I have cemented in my feelings for at least that long and longer, so getting the wherewithal to deal with it has been a job.

[JohnnyShoes]

Wow, it takes courage to confront this here about your mom. I applaud you. I'm basically new here... I share the same story, only ... I'm 55 male and my.mother (86) has BPD.
No diagnosis... .etc etc. But all the pieces fit.
I first suspected this almost 10 years ago... back n forth from npd to BPD...
The denial I was dealing with WAS MY OWN.

Forced to come back and live with her this past month... has brought this All UP CLOSE and personal.
Not only can I feel myself disappearing, but my self worth, self esteem AND self confidence is under attack and barely hanging on by a thread.

Her ultimate goal is to control me, sabotage me so that I would PLAY THE PART SHE HAS SCRIPTED for me...
And that's forever to have a symbiotic relationship...
There is No ME! She only sees me as an extension of herself...
And because I will not go along, I get punished... I'm Denied conversation.
I'm currently getting the silent treatment.

I'm sorry, I said all this to AGREE with you.
I wanted you to know *I* understand the wicked emotional torture.
I certainly do not want to hijack your thread.
I didn't expect t to say all that.
Kudos to you.
JS

[Struggles]

JohnnyShoes said it perfectly when he explained it as emotional torture.  I also feel like I am losing a part of myself with this.  Do any of you have any health or anxiety issues due to having to deal with this? 

[HappyChappy]

Do any of you have any health or anxiety issues due to having to deal with this?  

Anxiety disorders are very common among children with BPD. If you check out some of the Pols on this forum, it shows we children of BPD parents are more prone to many things, such as depression and hypervigelance. But the good news is many of the common aliments are discussed on this forum, and there is useful and credible guidance on how to recover.
I once read Eating disorders tend to lead the list of aliments, but C-PTSD is also over represented in children of BPD parents. There is a lot of help on this forum for PTSD, here’s a resent thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.0

Hyepervilgelance gets mentioned a lot on here. This is where you are over vigilant for the current setting, so are easily startled. That can be an indication of PTSD or other things. Also people often talk about being triggered. So for example evoking bad memories when someone acts the way your BPD use to, or becoming overly anxious. Narcisstic behaviour or something your BPD used to control or humiliate you with, maybe the trigger. These aliments are simply a common human reaction to trauma. But if those dangers are not longer current, our reactions need normalising, through therapy or other means.

If you were exposes to a lot of BPD behaviour as a child, you will probably have had what clinicians term a traumatic upbringing. The trouble is BPD / NPD dynamic is to isolate us from outside influences, so they can tell us what is normal. This protects the BPD dynamic, but does we children no favours. Many on here were quiet old before getting medical help, not good. In our BPD dynamic, no one went to the Drs. I now realise this was more about hiding the physical abuse and a BPD mother that doesn’t want to waist he time on the kids. But it can also lead to denial, avoidance, belief there is nothing wrong with us, fleas we may have picked up from our BPD. I have C-PTSD which involves flashbacks and Hypervigelance, my sister has high anxiety and eating disorders and my brother is a Sadistic NPD. Our mother was a very aggressive Queen/Whitch type BPD. So we all got something for Christmas.   But therapy has helped me and my sister a great deal. My NPD bro believes theres nothing wrong with him, he's perfect, apparently.

[Struggles]

Thank you HappyChappy for the information.  That helps me understand a lot. It is my MIL that is undiagnosed BPD (she also believes nothing is wrong like your brother).  My husband has more anxiety than he used to when he was younger and he's always made the comment "as I get older I just  am more anxious and worry about things".  I myself feel like I'm going to have a heart attack when I know we will see her.  I'm so glad that therapy has helped you and your sister.  And I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did growing up. 

[2sobermom]

Yes, I got anxiety and hypervigilance off and on thru my life, most recently about 5 years ago.  Seemingly over nothing, but really it was myself saying it was time to look and learn and grow.  Not easy, but worth it.  Pete Wilson writes a good book about CPTSD, and Jasmin Cori writes one for the emotionally neglected child, and one about trauma as well.  Whatever fits, it's worth your exploring and learning that we are not alone. And a supportive therapist such as I had gives me a chance to work it all together.

I am finding that getting myself on a more even keel is helping me stay that way while dealing with our BPD son; I am way less volatile, and even then, there's less anger in my 'reactive' state. (It would be wonderful to respond rather than react, but I'm working on it... )
The BPDF Survivors Guide about childhood abuse has good points in it.  I found that doing inner child work, the one I wanted to do the least, has been the most productive for me.