Steered out of a problem with a few tools

[pearlsw]

Last night, after a day of visiting his family in another country we stopped to buy groceries before heading back. Stores aren’t open on Sundays so we had to shop although not in the mood.

We had just visited his aunt (who is recently widowed) and his mother, they are in their late 70’s/early 80’s. The visit was nice and I was happy. We’d done well together all day -  running errands, seeing sites, visiting, me serving up short reminders of entertaining stories to tell and him hitting it out of the park conversationally with that assist. (He can't think on his feet well. I can.) It all worked out more or less…But seeing these older women made me project forward in life a bit and then I felt worried and anxious about my future. I am often around people at later stages of life lately and it doesn’t look…easy. (I should have stayed in the present, but the present is not going so swimmingly either... .)

My current employment options are not good. Aside from all the BPD stuff with him I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life and feeling like I have to go where work takes me, get back onto a more solid footing in life with or without him. (I dream of putting work first because I want control over my security in life and putting the relationship second to this effort because it doesn't seem as if I can have both. It’d be nice to be together, but okay to be alone again depending on where the work search takes me. He's offered to move with me back to my home country, after 7 years of being totally against this, but I am not sure he really would and can't count on it. I doubt we'd do a long distance relationship again as we did our first two years together. Because of the emotions involved it is not easy to discuss any of this as openly as I normally would. I feel I have to do what I have to do to save my life and then if we can make it work great, and if not, that's fine too. There are no good/easy options. I likely won't be "having it all" and that's okay too.) So these worries are real and I need people to talk them over with who can handle my emotions about them. I would like to feel supported because I think tough decisions are on the horizon if I can't find better work here…

While picking out fresh veggies for the week I shared in passing that I was worried about my future. He drew a blank, said nothing, and disappeared off to another aisle. When he came back later I tried to say it again, and this time he also had nothing to say and went off to buy beer. (If he lived alone frozen pizza and beer would be his only two food groups, poor fella.) I was not thrilled, but what should I do? I felt myself grasping for tools and the first one that came to me was mindfulness. I asked myself “How do I not let this get worse?” I felt emotional and disappointed and alone but what could I do to make his better now?  

When I gave up my unrealistic expectations of him in that moment I could keep it from getting worse… I had a little mantra in my head. It wasn’t so nice as I’d like, but it was this: “He is emotionally handicapped. [find better word Pearl!] He has no idea what to say. Give him a break.” Then I could hold myself a bit and not make things worse. I also reminded myself this was not the time and place for a major discussion! But all I really wanted was a few kind words to soothe my feelings. I know he doesn't get that though. My emotions totally confuse him, poor guy.

Instead of sort of demanding he immediately meet my emotional needs to feel listened to and understood I just let it go till my emotions were a bit less intense. He can’t. He can’t when on the spot do such a thing. Not gonna happen. So, with that option off the table what do I do? Save up my emotional stuff until later to share with someone who will instantly get it and directly respond? Yes. Sometimes. But who? If I just had more friends, who get BPD, really get it, I could have the support I need to more or less manage in life…I don’t want to complain about him or have unrealistic expectations, but I do want to have people to talk to who are positive and supportive and simply kind.

And also, I recognized a need to help give him a way to  respond to my emotions so he doesn’t feel hopeless and angry when he can’t figure out what my emotional needs are. We later joked he needs a small card he can pull out of his pocket and read from “I am sorry you are feeling scared. I am sorry you are worried. I am here for you. I care.” Simple words he can repeat because he cannot think on the spot and then maybe riff a little off of those. I just wanted him to hear my emotions and reply and then that was enough. We didn’t need to discuss my plate of life problems, just put a little bandaid on them and go on, some basic comfort - comforting he gets all the time from me.

His instinct was to be silent and withdraw - patterns I’m sure he picked up in his past relationship. I tend to want to fix it quick and move on and start laughing again.

Anyway, I used depersonalization, and realistic expectations of his understanding of emotions, and mindfulness of my own emotions to steer out of this potential pitfall that could have led (in the past) to days of “You don’t care about me or my feelings! The only person who gets to have any feelings is you!” because I simply didn’t get his emotions either (they are so intense!) and then anger and pain and hurt shows up and the relationship gets damaged. He does care he just has no idea to handle my feelings as he struggles with comprehending/controlling his own.

What other tools could I have used given that it was me that was being emotional as the kick off for this, not him? Or was this okay?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[heartandwhole]

Hi pearlsw,

I want to commend you on using tools to handle this delicate situation. I am very impressed! I can see many of the skills we mention on this site in action in your experience: Acceptance, Compassion, Stop the Bleeding, and Self-care, just to name a few. Way to go! You took some time to go within when you realized that your needs were probably not going to get met by your partner in the moment, and you drew on what you could do to feel better and take care of yourself. That's great 

It sounds like you communicated with each other about the situation after the fact (laughed about it). Is that right? I think that was a good move, too. So that the heat of the feelings had diminished for you both. You know, that joke about the card doesn't sound so off the wall to me! Sometimes we have to "fake it to make it" and if he said the words often enough, he just might start to feel them and use them in other situations. It would also signal to you that he wants to comfort you, but is struggling.

I can relate to your thought about where your future is going, especially professionally. And I would guess that your uncertainty could bring up some fears in him, so I can see why he might clam up when you mention feeling worried.

Have you described to him exactly what actions he could do that would help you in situations such as this? I think so often we assume people have an idea of what we need or what might be appropriate for certain situations, but they really don't. We are all unique, so what one person wants/needs in such a situation, another may not at all. So, communicating specifics can help.

heartandwhole

[pearlsw]

Hi heartandwhole,

Thank you for the support! I made a little sheet for him today with a funny photo and 4 simple replies. He loved it! He said he will memorize them. It was nice. He felt supported and understood. I am doing fine myself too. I was glad I had some tools to draw on so I could do what I could to not make things worse. I think this is key to me keeping his storms fewer and far between.

Now the big question is how to get more of my emotional needs met. I think you are right, I have to do what I can to help him have better responses than him (or me for that matter) shutting down and walking away... .but if he does so I must not take it personally either. If I give him the right "assist" maybe he has a chance to shine like he did in the conversations I mentioned above.

[JoeBPD81]

These victories feel great, don't they? Specially when we had done differently in the past and got bad results.

The thing is, to solve your work situation, you are thinking your relationship has to suffer, or even end. So he is affected and implicated all the way on this dilema. It would be just human to have some resentment towards him, even when rationally we know he is not to blame.

So the tool I would hope for is to "describe and not judge". If you described your situation: he listened to you and then went to do something. You talked to him and kept shopping. End of the description.

It is when we try to think why they do or don't do the things they do/don't do, when those reasons start to hurt us. "He doesn't care" "he's not listening" "he will never be able to support my emotions... ."... .It is only human to start thinking, and to feel hurt. But why we go there, if it only hurts us? You don't have the solution for your dilema, and if he had it, you might not like his solution, but probably, he doesn't have it either. He expresses his concern by shutting down and leave, so he cares, he just doesn't have the tools to react in a satisfactory way for the relationship, he can't validate your feelings.

But we are champions in validation, so we can validate our own feelings. So there you have another tool you can use, this time, in your internal monologue. Validate your own feelings. Even those you didn't want to have. You are entitled to be human.

All of this is easier said than done. And what you did was perfect, so you are right being proud of yourself and celebrating your victory. And we celebrate it too, because we all learn from these things.

[pearlsw]

hey Joe,   Wow! Yes, thanks for the reminder that all I need is inside me and therefore I don't need to resent him over such things. Thanks for the support! I did make him a card with nice/supportive things to say though and he called from work asking about it. It is nice that he is open to creative/funny solutions and I must give him some praise for that.

[heartandwhole]

It is nice that he is open to creative/funny solutions and I must give him some praise for that.

It IS nice, pearlsw! And it's great that you are open to creative/funny solutions, too. You are learning to give to yourself what you wanted from him, but he can learn from your modeling that behavior.  That makes you both feel good.

[Tattered Heart]

These moments are so hard. My H often responds the same. It's like they KNOW that there is something wrong and that there is something they should do but they are so unable to do it.

Think of teaching him responses the same that you have taught yourself responses to him. It takes little bits at a time. That's awesome that he was so open to the sheet you made for him. It shows that he understands that he needs to support you. One thing I do is to tell him what I need in the moment. Sometimes my H gets it; other times he doesn't. But when it does it get it's great.

So, if I'm feeling emotional about something I will say something like "I'm struggling with something. I love that you enjoy trying to help me come up with solutions, but right now I just need someone to listen. Can you help me with that?" And then I share. I can see the uncomfortableness on his face and even if he gets it wrong, just knowing he tried is really helpful.

I don't remember how this came about, but at some point we had a conversation and I told him that if he doesn't know how to respond to just ask. I might share something or be emotional and he will say, "I don't know how to respond. What should I do?" I actually love it when he does this because I know that he is listening to me and not making it about him.

We watched a DBT video online the other day and it went through 6 ways to validate someone. My H loved it. It's called Ep 1 DBT Skills 6 Levels of Validation. (I would link it but my work computer blocks youtube). We watched it together and talked about it afterwards. Maybe you guys could watch it and talk about some scenarios together. I also learned some new validation techniques from it too.

[pearlsw]

Hi Tattered Heart,

That sounds great! I love this idea! I have been wanting to get him to watch a video with me, but didn't have a particular one in mind. He would do it I am sure. He is in a phase right now where he is very open to "making me happy" he says so this is the time to do it! I really need to make good use of this long white phase (over a month) we've been in and help him have tools too. Yes!

That video is not from this site, but I can find it with just those keywords in Youtube?

Thanks very much!

[Tattered Heart]

Yes. That title should bring it up. The lady who posts these videos has BPD and teaches other pwBPD people DBT. Let me know if you can't find it and I can post the link from my phone instead of work computer.