Struggling with breakup with BPD boyfriend

[Reine]

Hi

I am 8 months out of a relationship with a boyfriend who exhibits strong BPD-NPD characteristics. I am trying to process the sudden triangulation and abandonment (second time in our relationship) that happened and struggling to find peace and acceptance and finally walking away for good.
I am drained from being emotionally attached in my mind but I think of our relationship daily and how brutally I was treated in the end. I see a therapist to look at my role in the relationship and have supportive friends but I just can't seem to leave the emotional roller coaster behind - missing him, anger, hurt, betrayal, feeling like there is something wrong with me that I'm so caught up still... .I know breakups are different for everyone but can anyone give me advice on how to let this go without closure from him? How long did it take?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Reine and Welcome 

I'm so relieved to hear you have all your support network in place and are taking time to work through things.  It's sure to pay off for you.  Grieving is a process and takes each of us as long as it takes.  It's very difficult and painful (as you'll read all over this board) to lose someone you love and nothing is quite as intoxicating as the lovebombing we receive at the outset of these relationships, which certainly can keep us holding on afterwards despite all the signs that this is not coming back - certainly not to the same degree or for very long even if it reappears.  We have great lessons to the right of the board which are really helpful in looking at the stages of detachment and healing, plus a favourite article of mine which really hit home for me was this one on Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD.  This addresses the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  I'd be interested to hear if you can identify with any of these?

Meantime, keep posting and reading here.  There is a wealth of wisdom and insight available from the articles and workshops, plus everyone on this board is at some stage of healing and you'll find we all go at our own pace.  The key thing is to be thorough so that you can then move onto the next chapter of your life from an emotionally healthier place.  We will be here for you on this journey.

Love and light x

[RomanticFool]

Hi Reine,

Welcome to the boards, you will find a great deal of support here. I want to express my empathy with your situation.

I have been embroiled in an affair with my lover for 15 years on and off. We are now both married and she came back into my life around 5 years ago. To say it has been devastating is an understatement but I have learnt some valuable information from this site and also gained some insight into myself.

The first thing to say is that sexual attraction can often masquerade as love  in my case. I can convince myself that somebody wildly inappropriate and wrong for me is the love of my life. I ignore all of the evidence as the r/s progresses ie lack of interest in my life, self-centredness on her part and a complete refusal to make any kind of commitment to me whatsoever.

My ex is undiagnosed BPD but seems to have some of the characteristics of a person with BPD. As Harley says the love-bombing at the beginning can make us feel special and as if we were meant for each other. She also has 'waif' tendencies which means she appears as vulnerable and in need of rescuing. Waifs usually appear fragile, needful and victimized by their relationships and life circumstances. This is a classic description of my ex. Suffice to say that this relationship played into all of my co-dependent instincts.

I think the fact that you are in therapy is the best thing you can do. I am now contemplating doing likewise. It has been a very painful time letting go of a woman I felt I loved deeply but I know that I will be all the better for letting her go in the long run.

Keep in touch with the boards here and I wish you well.

RF

[Ragnarok4]

Reine,

Your story is very moving. I can very much relate to your situation as well as most on here. I had the same abandonment... .twice like you. I showed immediate mercy and forgiveness after the first time without even really putting any logical thinking into it and it was worse than before. It's been 10 months for me now and its still tough but I will tell you a few things that help me and hopefully some or all will be of benefit to you.

Grieving- Don't let anyone tell you to hurry up and move on. You take as long as you need to grieve and with BPD, it might take longer than any other relationship you've ever had. (this is the case for me)

Therapy- it helps a lot and it seems like you have a good support system. Find out as much as you can thru here, books , etc. about BPD e if you haven't already. You'll see that with BPD its them that projects guilt on you. I think it helps bring to light and make the healing process a bit easier.

These message boards- Like what the others on here have also said. Feel free to read thru and you'll see your not alone. You may have a good support system but its great to have conversations with others that can truly relate to what your going thru.

Like I said, its been 10 months for me and being on here does help out tremendously. I still think about my ex quite a bit and I have to deal with seeing her at work sometimes. Even having to interact with her directly.

I totally understand what your going thru. All those emotions just show up intermittently and when one disappears, another one takes over. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself around others. Spend some time with close friends and family. Also, look into what you did before you met your ex. If you had a hobby or have been wanting to do something, go for it. Focus in yourself and building yourself up which seems like your already doing.

[vanx]

Just wanted to validate the difficulty and rumination, as well as the experience of many thoughts and emotions surrounding an ex pwBPD. It's hard for someone who hasn't experienced this to understand, but if you have, you know it's really difficult.
My ex ended things a year ago and I feel like I am just starting to feel better. I still struggle. Lately, I am struggling most with letting go of resentment. It helps to remind myself that whatever she said or did, it's up to me to let go and move on. That said, the number one most important thing is to not put yourself down for it taking a while. I think it does for a lot of us--the experience is painful and addictive beyond what many have experienced before.
Personally, I think the very fact that you are posting here, assessing things, asking for help--all these are signs you are on the right path.
Sometimes I thought I would never get better. I am still not fully recovered, but things did shift. Perhaps it will take another year to really recover and learn how to start making more positive, healthy connections. Perhaps it will take longer. At least the most painful part is over, and I learned from it. I think the things we will learn will make it worthwhile. Right now, your most important job is to not be unkind to yourself and accept that it is taking time, and that's okay.
For what it's worth, in my experience I still miss her sometimes too, but I see what we had as more of an illusion or fantasy than a really deep connection. That's still out there to work towards and search for.