Ok I give up

[Chosen]

It's been a very turbulent month, full of ups and downs.  Things were a bit calmer but yesterday he dysregulated again after I invalidated him.  To my "defense", I'm 12 weeks pregnant and also had a serious stomach ache when I invalidated him.  But obviously that is never an excuse for him.  This culminated in him slapping me across the face in front of our toddler.  No lasting damage as such, but... .well, yes he hit me. 

(Ok I know you may be judging me now but I have no family I can speak to, he's basically caused me to cut off all my friends on a deep level- I can't talk to them about anything in my marriage or anything about him anymore, and yes he's done it before, several years back, he doesn't have a "pattern" of being physically abusive, and if I believe I'm in actual danger I will leave, at least temporarily.)

I'm extremely ashamed to even admit to that, because now what example am I setting for my child ?  Yes she's probably too young to know and remember what has happened, thankfully, but I'm ashamed that she has to see that.  I told uBPDh as such.  He claimed he wasn't hitting me and was just "trying to tap some sense into me", and that I was being dramatic (I didn't even cry or anything.  It was painful but it was more heartbreaking than anything else).  I said I consider this hitting, and (surprisingly) he apologised (he never did before).  However, obviously, he soon turned round and said I caused him to be like this.  It's because I'm a "cheater, liar, etc" (all sorts of names) that caused him, a calm and pleasant man, to be like this.  (He believes I'm a cheated because I have told close church sisters about certain problems in our marriage- not that it ever went deep, but he says I'm badmouthing him in the church).

At night, he told me again (recurrent theme over the past month) that our marriage isn't going to work, because a) he's done his absolute best, he cannot do a single thing more, b) I am completely to blame for all the problems, so I have to change, and c) I'm a terrible wife and mum and therefore a bad example to our child.  Anyway... .instead of arguing with him and said we don't have to get a divorce, etc, I simply said that I think our marriage has room for improvement, I certainly have a lot of work on (which he replied that "then why should I continue to suffer while you are 'working on' yourself?  Because I have done my best, there is nothing I can improve"... .you get the theme here), and that at this point I wouldn't file for divorce but I will respect his wishes and if he files for it I will sign.  He then keeps on saying "you make me do it", "you have made the decision to divorce" etc... .well, if it makes him feel better, then put all the blame on me.  Nothing matters anymore.

Then he says if I truly want him to be happy why don't I just kill myself?  (I know he says it because he wants me, and our problems, to be "gone", not actually want me to die, but maybe I'm being too optimistic here?) And he continued that "people like you won't kill yourself, because you are too selfish".  He means that I would rather live and harm him and ruin his life even more than to go and die.  At some point I mentioned that I don't believe anybody should use violence to solve conflict, and he says that "If you're sorry for what you've done to me, you wouldn't be saying that, you wouldn't be calling me violent, you would let me do it if it may make me feel better".  I asked him did he feel better, he said no, and I said that because he isn't by nature a violent person, he doesn't feel better when he lashes out, because he doesn't want to do it either.  He then said again that I "made" him do it. 

Anyway... .I'm feeling so stuck.  I've known all along that he doesn't believe he has any problem and need to change, and I accept that, I didn't try to change him (I do try to set boundaries, e.g. by saying I don't tolerate using physical means to express oneself), but I tried to change myself by using tools and lessons on here.  But I'm feeling like they no longer work.  I mean, they do when I remember them, and there are a million times a day when I could be invalidating but I caught myself on time.  But it doesn't matter because one slip up and it's all back to square one.  Do any of you feel that way too?  Any encouraging words that things will actually improve if I just persevere? 

I've always believed that it takes one to start changing a marriage around.  But is that true?  To be honest, I'm filled with so much self-doubt (and shame- say if a friend told me that her H hits her, I would tell her to leave, that he is not a good man... .but I honestly believe that H is a good man, that he is ill, and it is not "him" doing this.  Yes I'm probably still in some sort of denial.) at the moment that I don't want to think anymore.  I'm physically tired and mentally drained.  I don't feel like a victim, because I made the choice to stay.  I'm just thinking am I a prize idiot who is way too hopeful of "change", and that I should just give up and face whatever fate I'm supposed to face?  '

Chosen

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Chosen! 

I'm glad you came here to this safe place and that you shared about what happened.  I am so sorry for all that you are going through. No judgement here. We each have our struggles and yours are no different. it hurts no matter what.

So many things are taking place when a person has BPD, and it complicates relationships. You are not alone even though you may feel that way. We are here for you.

I have a couple of questions for you. Do you feel safe right now, and do you feel that your toddler is and will be safe? Do you have a plan in place in case you'd need to leave quickly?

The words you shared that he has been saying to you would bring anyone down and cause tiredness and self-doubt. You are not responsible for his choices and how he acts out on them. That is his choice alone. One way that you can help yourself and improve and strengthen yourself is to try to remember that you are of value and importance. His attempts at defining you are just that, they are attempts which do not say who you are. You are loved and valuable. I understand this because my DH keeps trying to define me. I used to become so discouraged thinking that was who I was. Now I know it is not true, whenever he says something mean and unkind, it is his projection of his own feelings. As I've understood this, it has helped me to have hope and believe in myself. Extra hugs for you as I'm sure you can use them.   

 
Wools

[Chosen]

Thanks Woolspinner for your kind words.  This is the only place where I can express my most inner thoughts without fear of being known by uBPDh (I never use my home computer/ phone for this site).  Obviously I also don't want to be judged by my friends, even if I could speak to them in private. Part of me feel ashamed of my weakness (I should probably have left him years ago when I realised he has a "problem"?), and another part knows that other people who don't know what BPD is will not understand, no matter how helpful they try to be.

Perhaps I'm too worn down physically and mentally by the events in the past month (which was in part triggered by this pregnancy, which was unplanned), but now I'm no longer even hurt by what he says because I know it's just the dysregulation talking.  There were times in between the month that I switched back to white, and I didn't take much notice of that either, although of course my life with me being white. 

I don't feel very safe, but at the same time I don't feel unsafe- you know what I mean?  You can't possibly feel very secure going back to a place where conflict is constantly stirring up (which has been the case lately).  He won't do anything to our kid, I'm pretty sure of that, because all his anger is ever only directed at me.  All the fault has only ever been mine.  However, if things get really bad, I actually live pretty close to a (not pricey) hotel where I can afford to stay for a night if needed.  A few years back, he would physically constrain me from leaving the room/ home to go anywhere, but now I believe he won't.  He would still "force" me to respond to him (to keep the darned circular arguments going, to break me down emotionally so I get entwined in his dysregulation by becoming dysregulated myself), or follow me when I try to go somewhere at home to quiet down, but he's a tad less aggressive about me taking a time out now, although at most times I still can't successfully do it. 

He has quit his job to take care of our child full time after her birth (a huge sacrifice for any father/ man, although sometimes I wish we hadn't done that as it probably causes him to feel like he's missing out on a lot of other things, thus becoming resentful), and he does a good job at it.  I know she is safe with him and I think he's a lot calmer when I'm not around- he has nobody and no reason to lash out.

Thanks for the hugs.  I really, really needed those   

[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen,

Sorry to hear you are struggling so! I want to just quickly add the kind words of Woolspinner, please do not take these words he is saying to heart. They are cruel attacks and not worth listening too. That said, have you tried any of the tools here? I thought I was good at communication (I'd read a stack of communication books and done couples therapy with another partner after all! hahahaaha) and my husband has less experience, and almost none of it good, with healthy communication. It was easy to put it all on him and throw my hands up/give up.  

But after reading a lot here I decided to completely rethink my way of speaking with him and not let myself off the hook. I have made myself toss aside all I knew and am relearning my communication skills entirely via the resources on this site. And it is working out fairly well so far... .though I know that can change any day. I would suggest you study up again on the resources here. A conversation where he is telling you to kill yourself is not one to engage in. Read up again on JADE-ing and about not validating the invalid/how to validate. Don't get caught up in pointless discussions that are so mean and cruel and debase you. Okay? There are strategies to deal with this and at least limit the damage!
(The Basic Tools and Lessons are above & to the right--->

And up at the top of this board, and not to be missed, are the success stories of people whose lives have improved after trying new strategies. Even the worse situations have been turned around in some cases.

Would you like to try out/focus one of the tools this week?

[Chosen]

pearlsw,

I do find the tools here very useful, and I have been using them ever since I came here a few years back.  Things got normal enough that I stopped coming here, then I must have let the lessons slip away and things kind of got a bit worse.  Mind you, it wasn't quite as bad as 5,6 years back.

But since I came back I've been trying to re-read all the lessons and put them into practise daily.  However, it's difficult to keep it up all the time, and when you slip once, you slip hard!  It's particularly difficult to remember to think and not JADE and everything when you're physically feeling unwell... .

[isilme]

and shame- say if a friend told me that her H hits her, I would tell her to leave, that he is not a good man... .but I honestly believe

Yes, but it's never as cut and dry as all of that.  It's soo easy to give advice for someone to leave based on something like "he hit you" or even "she hit him" (we tend to ignore men getting hit as well).  But that is not the marriage.  It's a bad snapshot of it, as a really volatile time for both of you.

Can I ask if some of his dysregulation might stem partly from your pregnancy?  H and I have no kids (I kinda decided both with my family history and his BPD it'd be a bad idea, and he waited so long to get married, I don't feel having children is even viable anymore).  I am not fully aware of how your family is set up - number of current kids, etc, but I wonder if he might feel you are "abandoning him" by pregnancy needs (tiredness, MD appointments, etc).  Also, I bet he IS feeling resentful about giving up his job, but maybe he really wanted to, feels guilty about it, and so feels better blaming you for it.

Basically, something is going on to trigger the outbursts.  It could be weather changes (seasonal depression), it could be fear of the new baby changing the home dynamic, it could be financial fears he's not sharing, it could be shame at not working outside the home, it could be a lot of things.  The trick here is to validate his ACTUAL concerns, but first, you have to find out what they are.

It's horrible when we are worn down and tired, but have to try to stay on our emotional toes to not respond to the face value statements, but to try validate and play some metal gymnastics to keep the calm.  I'm sorry. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again, Chosen! 

  Starting out with a hug for you. 

I know it is really hard to focus on doing the right thing especially when you are pregnant. My D said she gets pregnancy brain and forgets all kinds of things. I think it is a part of life. But what does one say when the brain fog continues after the baby is born? I think we can say it is motherhood and lack of sleep those first few months!

I am glad that you are being aware and watchful. Do you have an emergency bag packed which can be stored at a family member's place or a trustworthy neighbor's place in case you need to slip out? If you think you have brain fog now, the adrenalin which courses through our veins in the event of an emergency causes brain fog as well. That's why it is helpful to be prepared ahead of time, to give yourself what you need in the event of an emergency.

I think we learn to feel ashamed because the person we live with and care for has convinced us that whatever happens is our fault. Then shame pours over us. It happens to me too, and I have to step back and analyze who is speaking to me, who am I listening to and believing? It is not easy to dismiss the voices which tell us otherwise. With practice, maybe reminding yourself each day several times, you will begin to extinguish the discouraging voices and start to consistently pick out what is happening. I think it sounds as if you are already doing some of this. 

 
Wools

[Chosen]

The trick here is to validate his ACTUAL concerns, but first, you have to find out what they are.

Yes this is the hard bit... .the accidental pregnancy was definitely a huge trigger, I mean we were both so shocked and freaked out and it does mean a lot of our plans have to change.  But I think the main "issue" is that he is very codependent- he even tells me explicitly and repeatedly that "when I'm not doing things for you I have no meaning anymore".  It's as though his sole purpose for existing is "for the good of other people"- he honestly believes this, and therefore he can't really let himself feel resentful for all that he does, otherwise he will lose his purpose- you know what I mean?  I guess this is his internal conflict.  While we may know that we're close to burnout and need to take some time off for ourselves, he doesn't really have this concept, even though he may be close to burning out.  And there is no way I can force him to take the time for himself.  So in this aspect I'm kinda stuck too.

Things are calmer these few days, and I'm glad I have time to clear my brain of the fog and calm myself down as well.  There is no family (no immediate family members to help me; my closest family members are his) or neighbours (not in our part of the world, we don't even see the neighbours nevermind know what they are) for me to turn to, but I always keep my bag (with keys, money and card etc) near the door so I can grab it if necessary. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Chosen,

I've been deeply moved by your situation because so much of what you say brings back memories to me of my own experience with domestic abuse.  I can tell you that with or without BPD in the mix, your feelings of shame (I was racked with this) and your minimisation of the situation are completely normal.  It's very common for people on the receiving end to downplay what is happening, as it makes us feel better about things and it's hard to admit to anyone else or even ourselves.  It's sort of a self preservation thing.  I really feel for you as I've been in your position, defending him and using the BPD as a reason for the violence.  It's important that you feel safe and I think that his isolation of you has somewhat reduced that possibility at the moment, by limiting your options.  Have you ever looked at the MOSAIC threat assessment tool?  You may find that it helps you to put things into perspective.  If you complete it, I'd be interested to know (if you're happy to share with us) what your situation scores.  There's no pressure though.  I know you're probably feeling overwhelmed by everything right now.  I certainly was.   

You might be surprised about the reaction from friends or family if you were to reach out and tell the truth to them.  You would benefit from having people who can support you right now whilst you are going through this and I know it's hard, but perhaps you can think of one person you would feel the least uncomfortable speaking to and start there.  I told one friend.  She was kind and understanding and I felt such a huge relief that I wasn't being judged by her that I went on to tell the truth to others, ending with my family.  At first they may be shocked and surprised about what is going on in your life, but I'm sure you will see that they quickly offer their help and support.  Some may already suspect you've been isolated by the way that you've behaved.
 Having others who are aware makes a huge difference.  If you need someone to turn to or somewhere to go at short notice for a while, it's really helpful to have opened up those lines of communication.  Try to be brave and make yourself a priority.  People will understand when you explain.      

I'm pleased to hear about your plan to get out if things become dangerous.  You must protect yourself, no matter how worn down you are feeling.  This type of situation and the emotional drain that surrounds it can leave us feeling really exhausted and in a sort of a daze.  Have you been in contact with a local DV advocate?  I'd encourage you to do so, as it was the best thing that I did for myself.  They can help you to devise a safety plan and know exactly what to do if a situation arises that is getting out of control.  They offer lots of advice and support and it was amazing to me how diverse that support can be.  You will feel more confident and able to handle yourself with a firm plan in place and by following guidance on how to de escalate situations or know when to exit.  Have you also read Safety First in your time here?  This might be a good time to recap if so.

Opening up here is a very courageous first step.  Keep posting and take good care of yourself.  We'd all like to know you're OK and offer you all the help we can.  You don't have to do this alone.  Remember that.

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Chosen, how are you doing at the moment?

Love and light x