Growing Pain

[Skyler]

I have been dating a BPD woman for about eight months. It appears the more she cares about me, she becomes more worried about getting hurt. Consequently, rather than trusting me more as time progresses, she is more paranoid about potential cheating.Although I have never cheated on her, she seems to presume it is inevitable. Additionally, if I reassure her that I have neither a desire nor an inclination to cheat, my simply pointing this out has been received as an adminition of guilt. It seems that rather than grow closer due to deepening feelings, she is now becoming less happy and less serene due the potential pain that would come from abandonment.

There are other counterintuitive behaviors that she is exhibiting. For example, “the closer” we become the more she fears potential engulfment. On the one hand, she perpetually asserts that she is frightened by the prospect of betrayal but on the other hand she  indicates we need to keep things light and fun without constraints. The more she cares and wants reassurance, the more she pulls away.

What is best way to give reassurance and not trip her engulfment fears? How do I best garner trust in a manner that will not have her become more worried about potential pain? (Ironically, when I use the word “trust,” she indicates that simply by mentioning the word “trust,” I must be guilty about something otherwise I uttered the word in the first place. How do I respond to such a  Catch 22?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Skyler,

Welcome to the family!

I'm no expert, but I can point you towards this workshop on Jealousy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324

It lays out some understanding and tools on how you might address such issues. Hopefully other members will drop by and add in their thoughts! I think new relationships can bring up a lot of insecurities for anyone, but if you have BPD or BPD traits, a heightened level of emotions, than those emotions are hard to manage/regulate, ya know?

There are lessons on the right side of the board here that help with "Understanding your partner's behavior" and "Understanding your role in the relationship" that could also help you begin to sort these things out.

Let us know what you think! We are all working with these tools!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Skyler,

I'm sorry that you see your partner pushing away the closer you get. That's such a difficult part of being in a relationship with someone with BPD.

My H used to make many of the same accusations and like you, the more I denied it the more he thought it was true. I found that validating my H's fear really helped things quite a bit. When he would make an accusation, I would say something like, "That must feel really scary to worry that I want to be with someone else. I just want you to know that I am not cheating on you and I think you know that even if it doesn't feel like it. I don't like to be accused of being unfaithful to you." And leave it at that.

You can learn more Validation in workshop on the topic.