I just ended the relationship - and he thinks we can still fix it

[Maya60]

Hi all!

Been through a horrible roller coaster lately. Things seemed to get better and we even scheduled relationship therapy. But the arguments now occur even more often. This week on Saturday out in the street and yesterday again.

I am tired... .Oh, so tired of this situation.

Yesterday I pointed out he should sell some old furniture which still stands in our bedroom since we started living together in my home. Its there for 11 months now. But of course I was a horrible person who makes his life hell by reminding him about it.

I couldn't handle it anymore. His kids were visiting and he was screaming at me again with his 6 year old in the same room.
I stopped talking to him and went to sleep (couldn't sleep though).

I went to work and called him. I want out. I don't see a way to fix this anymore. And it has gotten too bad to believe in going to the therapist together.
He completely lost his mind! Yelling, screaming, Everything was my fault and always has been. he hung up on me.

I texted him I will come over with my parents tonight to get my stuff and that we'll talk about arranging things Friday (after the kids go back to their mom). And that I expect him to search for a rental home for himself (we live in my home).

He said he was also tired and sick of it and he'll search for a house.

Then later on he says he wants to talk Friday to prevent ending our relationship.
I did not reply on this text message since this is exactly what is happening.

I have no idea how to react... I dont understand it... .

I do not

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MeandThee29]

You need to step back and decide what you want, and then hold your guns. Do you want to try therapy with him or without him for you? Do you want a break to think things through?

Many therapists will want to see you individually before they work with you as a couple. Perhaps that can help you work through what you want.

[so_overit]

Been through a horrible roller coaster lately. Things seemed to get better and we even scheduled relationship therapy. But the arguments now occur even more often. This week on Saturday out in the street and yesterday again.

I am tired... .Oh, so tired of this situation.

I'm on the same roller coaster and trying to get off. 12 years of marriage, 2 kids, and I'm done hearing the promises. I am so sorry to read you had to be yelled at in front of his children. I have 6 yo twins and they see/hear so much hate, they are so confused, so scared. I can't imagine... .

Your mileage will vary, I just wanted to give you perspective from someone in same place. We tried couples therapy and it wasn't long into it that therapist said he needed to work with him alone. After an entire year that therapist called me personally and said I should start putting my ducks in order and just see what it takes to divorce in my state. He had worked with him long and was trying to be honest and protect me and my little girls.

I have heard "I will change" for 5 years. I'm finally realizing those are just words and my denial of things is what has left me in this situation, now desperate to get it all over with to save my kids (and me, of course, but they are #1).

[Maya60]

I'm on the same roller coaster and trying to get off. 12 years of marriage, 2 kids, and I'm done hearing the promises. I am so sorry to read you had to be yelled at in front of his children. I have 6 yo twins and they see/hear so much hate, they are so confused, so scared. I can't imagine... .

Your mileage will vary, I just wanted to give you perspective from someone in same place. We tried couples therapy and it wasn't long into it that therapist said he needed to work with him alone. After an entire year that therapist called me personally and said I should start putting my ducks in order and just see what it takes to divorce in my state. He had worked with him long and was trying to be honest and protect me and my little girls.

I have heard "I will change" for 5 years. I'm finally realizing those are just words and my denial of things is what has left me in this situation, now desperate to get it all over with to save my kids (and me, of course, but they are #1).

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel so sorry for what you and your kids have to get through  *hug*.
It is exactly what I'm afraid of. Couples therapy now feels like delaying the end of this relationship.

He now gives me all kinds of promises yes. He wanted to spend his life with me, get married, have kids. Its feels like manipulation.

[Maya60]

You need to step back and decide what you want, and then hold your guns. Do you want to try therapy with him or without him for you? Do you want a break to think things through?

Many therapists will want to see you individually before they work with you as a couple. Perhaps that can help you work through what you want.

I wanted to try therapy to improve our communication and  maybe get him to know about his condition in some way yes.
But at this moment I feel so drained it is better to end this. Therapy sounds like a false promise now.

[Maya60]

Now its only getting worse. I told him I really made my decision and we ll talk tomorow about arranging thing for the break up.
He sends pictures of everything cleaned up in a way he would never do.
Sending me pictures how well my cat is doing (he dislikes my cat). Asking me to call him.
Them he sent me flowers at the office just now... .

I replied to him that we are through and it would be better if he stopped doing all this.

I feel awfull but awkward at the same time. He's playing victim now.

[Maya60]

I start to feel really nervous. I don't know what's up next. Will he be angry again? I feel really uneasy...

[once removed]

hi maya60,

odds are these demonstrations arent so much manipulation, or insincerity. his being on his best behavior is probably very sincere. the question is more a matter of the two of you being committed, in the long haul, to creating real, lasting, sustainable change. regardless of which path you take, i do think you are doing the smart thing in not putting too much stock in these demonstrations.

whats got you feeling uneasy? you said hes playing victim now, what happened?

[EdR]

Hi Maya,

I agree with once removed. I don't feel like this is manipulation. Like I once heard a M.D. expert in the field of BPD say: you FEEL manipulated.

Tbh, I'd like to follow up on the questions once removed asked you.

You're feeling uneasy, manipulated, nervous etc. etc... But those feelings are your own and not necessarily caused by these latest actions of your pwBPD. I would say these feelings indicate that you are not as done with your pwBPD as you suggest. But TO ME they are possible signs of a fear of being reeled in again, a fear you'd discover that you guys are indeed not as done as you suggest.

I am really sorry I am playing the pysch part here. But that's just the way I feel when I read your story.

Before deciding and finalising anything too drastic, I would ask yourself if there is any truth in what I described.

[Maya60]

hi maya60,

odds are these demonstrations arent so much manipulation, or insincerity. his being on his best behavior is probably very sincere. the question is more a matter of the two of you being committed, in the long haul, to creating real, lasting, sustainable change. regardless of which path you take, i do think you are doing the smart thing in not putting too much stock in these demonstrations.

whats got you feeling uneasy? you said hes playing victim now, what happened?

I thought about it a lot yesterday night. Hm, yes, he also made these kinds of promises the last two times when I was almost ending the relationship. He sounded so sincere back then and I trusted him. But nothing changed afterwards.

I feel uneasy cos he's only doing this because its his last hope. It started with me being blamed for everything, telling me how awfull I am. So I decide we should not be together since I don' t feel like I can be in a stable relationship with him without getting hurt emotionally all the time.
But now he says he's sorry. I feel he's only saying it because he's desperate now.
Also with showing the pictures of cleaning my home: I get yelled at when I ask him friendly to do something - but now after this fight he suddenly does what I wanted him to do. So he always knew how important it was for me. And only under these circumstances he suddenly will clean up. So he never cared about it... .  but now he suddenly does.
It makes me feel like he betrayed my feelings. Never cared for them. And now tries to show me this fake version of himself which will disappear in a week or two after making up.

He texted me saying he did all he could to fix this relationship and he's sure he can make me happy he says. But I now he can't change at this point in his life. He promised to go to therapy many times before. But he won't... .

Only love is not enough for me to keep up with this difficult relationship. It's making me a less stable person. I have a very weak spot for the nice version of him and I try so hard to NOT give in. I know the cyclus will continue and I'll ne in the same situation in about two months...
Thats not what I want with my life  

[Maya60]

Hi Maya,

I agree with once removed. I don't feel like this is manipulation. Like I once heard a M.D. expert in the field of BPD say: you FEEL manipulated.

Tbh, I'd like to follow up on the questions once removed asked you.

You're feeling uneasy, manipulated, nervous etc. etc... But those feelings are your own and not necessarily caused by these latest actions of your pwBPD. I would say these feelings indicate that you are not as done with your pwBPD as you suggest. But TO ME they are possible signs of a fear of being reeled in again, a fear you'd discover that you guys are indeed not as done as you suggest.

I am really sorry I am playing the pysch part here. But that's just the way I feel when I read your story.

Before deciding and finalising anything too drastic, I would ask yourself if there is any truth in what I described.

Yes I understand what you say. And part is true.
There's always been a very strong love hate part in the relationship. I loved him like I never felt before.
But I also now since we lived together (11months now) the fights only got worse.
So i know he will do everything to fix this, but I do not want to step in the rollercoaster of broken promises again. I know he can't change. I  went to this phase two times before. And he will not make any effort.
He hurt me too much. As much as I love him. I know this is whats best to do.
I am almost 30 now. I want more than anything just to be with someone who can love me without being hurt all the time. I want to have a family one day and I dont see it happening with him. We'd have to work years for it, me suffering and being the strong one... .I cant keep up with this anymore. I wish I could cos I love a big part of him... but the bad side... I can't handle it anymore

[MeandThee29]

My therapist once told me that wanting to work on the relationship is a good thing unless it comes from wrong motives and doesn't reflect a commitment to the hard work ahead.

Mine hates therapists and at one point believed that he could successfully direct the rebuilding for both of us. That would have been very toxic. My therapist saw him for a month this year and estimated that he would need a year or more of individual therapy to overcome his BPD and other issues. She's does only individual counselling, but said that couples therapy likely would have to wait for awhile.

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk, way I see it is, I wouldn’t necessarily trust that he wants me back or the relationship, but clearly does not want to face steps to move in a different direction with his life.   Likely he is “comfy” with the dynamic you guys generally have... .and is wanting to return back to “business as usual.” (So is simply behaving and responding in a crisis mode, yet, when crisis over... .reverts back to business as usual, which is what you are not wanting any part of.)

I see these pleds as a way to avoid building/figuring out a life without you.  Imo, not the same as really wanting a relationship that you want.  More like just not wanting the consequences of the relationship you two have built... .consequence being... .that u want out.

I see three options... .
Believe this time will be different, like you did in the past
Break up, like you express here you would like to
And a third option
Therapeutic separation.

I am not implying you owe him a second chance or that I even know which option is best for you.

So just for the sake of considering a third option... .gonna ramble on that... .even if maybe it is no way in the world an ok option for you, cause I simply don’t know... .

However, I do see some advantages of proposing to him that this is temporary “until” certain conditions can be met... . 

So maybe in your heart of hearts you know that there is a 1% chance this will work... .yet, he may have an easier time detaching with hope thus causing him to quit pressuring you so much.  You may have an easier time detaching with some hope... .because instead of “throwing in the towel” you are more leaving it into his hands to make decisions that will either rebuild this the way you want... or not.  It can help deescalate the crisis mode you two are currently experiencing.  In the meantime, he is still needing to be forced to face figuring out life without you, not escaping from that natural life task.  So... .I would trust him more for having to cope with a separation... .cause he is facing fears vs making pleds to escape them.

Maybe you tell him you need space to sort out your feelings, do not want to make a decision based on strong emotions in either direction.  So you can refuse to “reconcile” just because he is demonstrating desperation in the moment.  Yet, you can say, lets seperate for 6 months, (or some other time frame)... . you can seriously think about conditions that you want for having a relationship.  Lay them out there.  Make no promises.  Be clear that the separation is a way for you to get space and at the end of it... .if you feel things are improved between you two, a time to “consider” reunification.  So it is not in any way a guarantee.  

Anyway... .
Not really sure if that was articulate enough.
Or even pertinent for your situation
Just thought I’d put it out there tho anyways.

[Maya60]

Hi sunflower,
I think you get that completely right. He does not want to loose me and have a new life. But he also has no idea on how it can be improved.

I just went to my home and spoke to him. It was so awfull to see him this way  it breaks my heart. He kept asking me to stay together and he'll do anything I want to make this work.
I kept repeating I love him, but I cannot continue this relationship anymore. I choose for myself.

The odd thing is that the other two times we almost broke up, I told him I wanted him to see a therapist. He agreed and thought he really needed help. But at this moment he does not talk about this as an option. (I gave him all contact details for a good therapist and even arranged insurance the last time we had a near breakup).

Also he said, everything is because of him. But this is questionable for me. Cos I think it is possible he says this because it is his last hope. Whether he believes it or not. It ca  be both...

I feel sad he doesn't make the connection to develop himself and contact a therapist. If he gave this option by himself (not me saying this as a last change) it would give me the idea that he does acknowledge that he needs help. In that case, I might have been thinking about moving out for a while and see if he really worked on himself. -- your option no 3 as you mentioned.

[Maya60]

My therapist once told me that wanting to work on the relationship is a good thing unless it comes from wrong motives and doesn't reflect a commitment to the hard work ahead.

Mine hates therapists and at one point believed that he could successfully direct the rebuilding for both of us. That would have been very toxic. My therapist saw him for a month this year and estimated that he would need a year or more of individual therapy to overcome his BPD and other issues. She's does only individual counselling, but said that couples therapy likely would have to wait for awhile.

Yes I know it cannot be forced. The partner should really acknowledge the feeling something has to be worked on for him or herself.
I wish he could see this... .for real. Not as part of winning me back by saying it was his fault. The question is why he's acting the way he does, and learn from past mistakes. Some self reflection.

I'm very sad this is not happening to us  I cannot force him. But he could have a critical look at himself and learn in therapy. Whether we can be together again one day, or for him to have another relationship with less fight... .

I wish things were different 

[Sunfl0wer]

Some day I feel like BPD is simply a disorder of avoidance of Self feelings... .avoidance of sitting with discomfort in uncomfortable feelings... .and all the behaviors and expressions we see are simply to escape feelings(uncomfy ones), or chase them(idealizations)... .

Things that challenge our feelings:
Others that have feelings
Therapists
People who have expectations
Major life changes that stir up feelings for anyone

Folks with BPD have issues of self soothing
If he is simply trying to escape feelings... .then is likely to pick most “familiar” feeling one.

Sadly, I do also believe lots of times my ex was not “choosing Me,” however, simply choosing what he felt was least emotionally painful option for that moment. (Even if I wanted to feel special, looking back, have to admit it was likely a pain/avoidance issue more than a balanced choice) (Without being able to manage long term thoughts, implications, consequences). Sometimes the feelings feel so unbearable and like the biggest thing ever... .that we may cling to what we see as “relief.”

This may happen on both sides. (Wanting relief of pain of separating/ break up, etc)
So am saying this for the benefit for folks leaving as much as to also apply to pwBPD.

[Maya60]

I appreciate your reply sunflower. It exactly catches my thoughts on the situation.

He's still texting me how much he loves me and wants to go back to our relationship. Saying we have so much in common.

So the main issue and a possible solution is not present in his way of thinking and feelings. It' only centered about himself and not constructive...

[Maya60]

Ok I need some advice. He keeps texting me he wants to go back. Now he said he was sorry for the accident and compared it to the only one time event I hurt him! He talked to friends and they said we should talk.
I don't feel like making up because it would give him and me no change of getting any progress (the cycles will start again). But I do feel like I should get him in the process of thinking about his own actions and way of acting.
Better just to let it go? Or try to help him after all. I want him to finally make a step in understanding his own issues. It hurts me to see he's not learning at all... .

[donkey2016]

Hello Maya60,
I'm really sorry that you're going through all this suffering and confusion with your boyfriend. I have read the thread here but I think I must have missed something because I don't know what accident you're talking about. So I can't really say anything about that. I wanted to mentioned that I have been in a similar situation like you with my ex. boyfriend (even with his things and furniture which he refused to put in storage or sell, instead they were taking up room in my apartment). I agree with Sunflower that you could maybe tell him that you want a break or at least that you live separately, and that he should start therapy. This is what I did with my ex. boyfriend, either it works - great - you can move in back together - or it doesn't work - and you can break up slowly with him. Just be prepared for him to escalate his behaviour when you enforce that he should move out. Take safety measurements - ask a friend if you can come over if he gets out of control and have a bag packed if you have to leave suddenly.  Prepare yourself mentally - ask yourself "are you ready to call the police if you feel threaten by him?". I 'm doing therapy with a social worker and she told me that they don't recommend couple therapy in an abusive relationship. I tried it - and I agree with that - it doesn't work - only if you can get a good psychologist or social worker who truly can see what's going on. 
donkey2016

[hope2727]

Maya60

Hello I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have been there and felt the same things.

I am very concerned when I read this thread as you have been very clear that you feel uneasy and manipulated. It doesn't matter if that is his intent or not your feelings are valid and a HUGE red flag for safety. Please please be careful and listen to your instincts. We have had members who would have never in a million years thought they could possibly in danger and they were. I am one of them. So trust your gut.

It may not be intentional manipulation on his part but it is totally valid to feel that way on your part. Best predictor of future patterns is past patterns. Change is hard to sustain (just think about diet or exercise plans) and he may sincerely want to do better but can he sustain it? And when he becomes unable to will his shame or frustration be aimed at you? Please be careful and trust your yourself. You know the situation best.

What ever you decide I totally understand and support you. I just don't want to minimize your feelings. They are completely legitimate.

[Maya60]

Hello Maya60,
I'm really sorry that you're going through all this suffering and confusion with your boyfriend. I have read the thread here but I think I must have missed something because I don't know what accident you're talking about. So I can't really say anything about that. I wanted to mentioned that I have been in a similar situation like you with my ex. boyfriend (even with his things and furniture which he refused to put in storage or sell, instead they were taking up room in my apartment). I agree with Sunflower that you could maybe tell him that you want a break or at least that you live separately, and that he should start therapy. This is what I did with my ex. boyfriend, either it works - great - you can move in back together - or it doesn't work - and you can break up slowly with him. Just be prepared for him to escalate his behaviour when you enforce that he should move out. Take safety measurements - ask a friend if you can come over if he gets out of control and have a bag packed if you have to leave suddenly.  Prepare yourself mentally - ask yourself "are you ready to call the police if you feel threaten by him?". I 'm doing therapy with a social worker and she told me that they don't recommend couple therapy in an abusive relationship. I tried it - and I agree with that - it doesn't work - only if you can get a good psychologist or social worker who truly can see what's going on. 
donkey2016

Hi Donkey!

So much happened here in my head I might have forgot to tell yes. He is using the latest accident like it is the whole reason we break up (but its not... ).
The last two accidents were the breaking points for me:
-saturday we went out in amsterdam drinking beers. After the beers we wanted tot eat in a specific street. We were in that street and he wanted to eat somewhere else and asked me where we were (which was the street we were just looking for!). So i reacted a bit irritated. His reaction was awful: he started screaming and gave me a big push with his shoulder in the middle of the street. I walked away. He stated screaming. I felt so hurt and wanted to cry.
-tuesday: he was fixing beds for his kids sleepover. Took ages. He ordered the beds at the very last moment so they arrived too late.
I worked all day and went to the gym and afterwards to my parents for dinner. He texted me at 1900 if Id bring some groceries (in Holland shops usually close early, about 21.00). So I felt a bit irritated he asked me so late for groceries. Heavy rain outside, but I did get what he asked for. Back at home at 21.30. No thank you at all and his youngest son (6 ) was still awake. So after I while I asked about the old beds being put on a second hand website. He got annoyed. I explained very calm my worries: the other furniture is still in our bedroom for 11  months now, so I want to be sure this wont be the same.
I got yelled at it front of his son. I am a horrible whining ___.
We started watching a movie and suddenly he asked if we were still gonna have sex that night. I told him I didnt feel good and had a serious headache of all the stress and fights. He got angry again about the earlier mentioned subject. I just went quiet and ignored him. I couldnt bring it up anymore to argue. Went to sleep and the next day I called him we should stop this relationship.

At this moment I wonder what to do.
Maybe tell him we will talk AFTER he moves out of my home. I dont want to give him the thought he can fix this easy. Maybe I tell him about the talk after he already moved out.

I just dont know what is best to do.
Right now he'll do and say anything just to save the relationship.

[Maya60]

Maya60

Hello I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have been there and felt the same things.

I am very concerned when I read this thread as you have been very clear that you feel uneasy and manipulated. It doesn't matter if that is his intent or not your feelings are valid and a HUGE red flag for safety. Please please be careful and listen to your instincts. We have had members who would have never in a million years thought they could possibly in danger and they were. I am one of them. So trust your gut.

It may not be intentional manipulation on his part but it is totally valid to feel that way on your part. Best predictor of future patterns is past patterns. Change is hard to sustain (just think about diet or exercise plans) and he may sincerely want to do better but can he sustain it? And when he becomes unable to will his shame or frustration be aimed at you? Please be careful and trust your yourself. You know the situation best.

What ever you decide I totally understand and support you. I just don't want to minimize your feelings. They are completely legitimate.

Hi Hope,
I just replief to Donkey he pushed me last week. That kind of behaviour indeed makes me afraid what he' s capable of when he can't express his feelings. I know he does not want to hurt me. But he cannot control his emotions and reactions.

He keeps seeing the whole break up as a consequence of the recent accidents. Although - as I explained many times before - it is about the whole fight argue picture.

He should move out.
What will happen next I dont know yet.
But I also dont know whether it would be better to say we will talk about it when he moves out (so saying it now). Or keep distance and start conversation later.

[hope2727]

Hey Maya60,

Thanks for responding. I am concerned for you. My psychologist put me onto a very informative website that helped me understand our (my pwBPD and my) cycle. Its a bit extensive to go through but perhaps it will help you sort through some of your thoughts. I'll post the links to the pages on rage and waiting for change as well as apologies.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/waiting_for_change.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/apologies.html

I can only imagine what you are going through but please know that I believe you when you say you feel manipulated. I understand. Our loved ones with BPD may not intend to manipulate. They in face may have the utmost best of intentions. However our gut feelings have validity. You have a right to be concerned.

I am so sorry that he has physically pushed you. That is a very concerning action. Please know that you are allowed to feel safe in your own home. I know I didn't and I should have listened to my instincts. Other members have had similar experiences.

Keep writing so we know you are ok. I will be thinking of you.

[AskingWhy]

Maya60, I have read your posts and you understand BPD well, but now the abuse has strayed over into the physical abuse area.  You are aware pwBPD can be great manipulators, and they can even manipulate therapists.  Be very wary in therapy.  

The shoving of you concerns me.

Do you have a safety plan?  :)o not discuss this with your boyfriend and it it your secret along.  This is very important as you know BPDs can very volatile.  The protection of your own safety and that of the children is paramount.

Your SO may want help desperately but he is not moving ahead in his therapy quickly enough or effectively enough if he is going to shove you.  The fact that he got angry for refusing sex is also a red flag.  

Please read the links by Hope2727 as the discuss abuse, and the abuse that often comes from pwBPD and pwNPD.

I cannot stress enough the need to look to your own safety.

Finally, it's a falsehood that abusive men "cannot" control themselves.  Countless times a raging and threatening man will look serene and cool when the police officers show up--saying there is nothing wrong.  Also, abusive men hit women avoiding the face and hit them on parts of their bodies that are usually covered by clothing.  They deliberately choose where to hit.  They are not out of control as they claim.

There is a good book by Lundy Bancroft called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go."  It is only in English but you might want to find a similar book to guide you.  

I wish you the best.  Keep us updated.

[donkey2016]

Hello Maya60,

I agree with the others that your own safety is the most important. If you read about abusive then you'll also find out that the abuse often escalates when you want out from a relationship. This was also the case with my ex boyfriend. When I told him to move out - he refused finding different excuses until finally we had a fight and I got really scared of him (although he didn't hit me). He wouldn't allow for me to leave the apartment, I wanted to leave and stay the night somewhere else because I felt scared. Still I didn't tell him it was over between us. Be very careful - try to make him move first - get him out of your house- and then you can talk.

I'm not sure I have understood fully the situation, the title of the thread says that you ended the relationship, but then you're asking in the latest post if you should want with the talk. Is that the talk that it's finally over between you? I had to tell my ex boyfriend in an email finally that it was over! Why - because so many times I told him in person and it didn't seem to sink in.
Good luck with everything and stay SAFE.
donkey2016

[Maya60]

Hey Maya60,

Thanks for responding. I am concerned for you. My psychologist put me onto a very informative website that helped me understand our (my pwBPD and my) cycle. Its a bit extensive to go through but perhaps it will help you sort through some of your thoughts. I'll post the links to the pages on rage and waiting for change as well as apologies.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/waiting_for_change.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/apologies.html

I can only imagine what you are going through but please know that I believe you when you say you feel manipulated. I understand. Our loved ones with BPD may not intend to manipulate. They in face may have the utmost best of intentions. However our gut feelings have validity. You have a right to be concerned.

I am so sorry that he has physically pushed you. That is a very concerning action. Please know that you are allowed to feel safe in your own home. I know I didn't and I should have listened to my instincts. Other members have had similar experiences.

Keep writing so we know you are ok. I will be thinking of you.

Hi Hope,

I woke up an hour ago and had tears in my eyes reading all the new replies to my post. You're all so caring and it means a lot to me to have this kind of conversations.

I am still at my parents place now and will be here till he moves out. When I talked to him Friday I told him 1 week would be enough.

The webpages you just posted here are exactly what is happening. Apologies that led to nothing. Because he cannot change without help. But if you don't know somethings is wrong with you, you don't find help necessary... .

I won't give in to him. But the text messages he's sending about how awful he feels make me feel guilty... .although I shouldn't.

So I feel very stressed out and sleep bad

[Maya60]

Maya60, I have read your posts and you understand BPD well, but now the abuse has strayed over into the physical abuse area.  You are aware pwBPD can be great manipulators, and they can even manipulate therapists.  Be very wary in therapy.  

The shoving of you concerns me.

Do you have a safety plan?  :)o not discuss this with your boyfriend and it it your secret along.  This is very important as you know BPDs can very volatile.  The protection of your own safety and that of the children is paramount.

Your SO may want help desperately but he is not moving ahead in his therapy quickly enough or effectively enough if he is going to shove you.  The fact that he got angry for refusing sex is also a red flag.  

Please read the links by Hope2727 as the discuss abuse, and the abuse that often comes from pwBPD and pwNPD.

I cannot stress enough the need to look to your own safety.

Finally, it's a falsehood that abusive men "cannot" control themselves.  Countless times a raging and threatening man will look serene and cool when the police officers show up--saying there is nothing wrong.  Also, abusive men hit women avoiding the face and hit them on parts of their bodies that are usually covered by clothing.  They deliberately choose where to hit.  They are not out of control as they claim.

There is a good book by Lundy Bancroft called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go."  It is only in English but you might want to find a similar book to guide you.  

I wish you the best.  Keep us updated.

Hi AskingWhy,

Yes, I already moved out since Wednesday last week. We spoke to each other on Friday. But he cannot accept my decision in any way it seems.

What you say about therapists is why I don't give him that option anymore. He'll only go to for a short term fix of the relationship and not to really develop himself. I made my decision and want him to leave.
Maybe a part of me hopes that he will change one day... .How stupid am I  But I stay strong and won't give in to have another talk at this moment.
When we live separate, and he still wants to talk (when the break up is definitive) I hope we can discuss what actually happened without having any expectations towards each other.

This is what I told him as well as a reply on his last text message: I feel sad about everything, but I stick to my decision of ending the relationship. And maybe there will be a time afterwards to discuss what happened (without any expectations).

[Maya60]

Hello Maya60,

I agree with the others that your own safety is the most important. If you read about abusive then you'll also find out that the abuse often escalates when you want out from a relationship. This was also the case with my ex boyfriend. When I told him to move out - he refused finding different excuses until finally we had a fight and I got really scared of him (although he didn't hit me). He wouldn't allow for me to leave the apartment, I wanted to leave and stay the night somewhere else because I felt scared. Still I didn't tell him it was over between us. Be very careful - try to make him move first - get him out of your house- and then you can talk.

I'm not sure I have understood fully the situation, the title of the thread says that you ended the relationship, but then you're asking in the latest post if you should want with the talk. Is that the talk that it's finally over between you? I had to tell my ex boyfriend in an email finally that it was over! Why - because so many times I told him in person and it didn't seem to sink in.
Good luck with everything and stay SAFE.
donkey2016

Hi Donkey,

I told him 3 times now it's over. Especially Friday I told him again in person. But he keeps texting me how awful it is to break up. How much he misses me, loves me. But the odd thing is that most of his messages are about how bad this is for him... His financial situation, what he should do with his life, how he's lost weight. I feel really sick hearing it... . 

I only want a talk afterwards. Maybe I'm foolish enough to hope I can help him in some way then... .But I cannot help him when we are together.
I guess he won't even want to talk anymore after the break up though.

I recognize your story about being afraid of your partner. Its exactly what I feel like now and then. He's so overwhelmed with anger. And pushing me is a sign of thing getting even worse when the fight might be about something way more serious.

I just feel torn up from within. I love the man, his nice parts. But I also despise the way he could treat me...

In my head I keep thinking it all over again and again. How I love him so much... .How awful he can be... How I couldn't let him see he needs help. Ahh, I'm exhausted

[Maya60]

I just decided I'm gonna contact my former therapist for some help asap. Cos I feel I need more support. Its completely tearing me apart  

[donkey2016]

Hi Maya60,
I'm happy to hear that you 'll go to a therapist - so you can talk someone openly. Is this someone that has experience with abusive relationships? Someone who can truly understand the situation? I went for a long time to a therapist and also my son to the same one - and she couldn't really understand the dynamic of the relationship. She would tell me things like "call the police - this is what we do in this country." As it would be simple like that. I have now found a new therapist for my son - and she helped both my son and me. I have also contact with shelter for women. They have external services as well and I'm now seeing a social worker there for therapy. You might want to look into that too. I called a helpline for victims of violence and I was directed to this shelter. They also could give me concrete advice on the phone.

If you feel afraid then try to avoid to see your boyfriend alone. I agree with Hope that they (abusive men) can control themselves - so if someone else is with you it 's probably less dangerous. (Thank you Hope for posting the links I'll take a look at that!). It's so painful to realize that they can control themselves. I had such a hard time accepting that - it took me such a long time.
donkey2016