Talking to my sister

[Isurvived]

I was chatting with my sister on Facebook the other night, and I told her that I believe Mom was BPD, HPD, and NPD. She told me she didn't think it was worth trying to dissect Mom's character now that she's gone. I told her that I think it's very important, because Mom raised us, and we're still suffering the damage.

It took me a long time to realize that the way we've lived our lives is because of Mom, not in spite of her. She wanted everyone to believe that if we screwed up, it wasn't her fault. We must take after Dad if we did something she thought other people wouldn't like. (Not that Dad was any better, but at least we weren't subjected to his problems 24/7.)

My sister has asked me not to tell my other sister, and of course, I won't. She's not ready to hear it, and probably never will be.

I'm feeling very tired, because I know now that I've been buying into Mom's personality cult all my life. Mom, the great and sainted single mother. Mom, who gave us all kinds of things. Mom, who worked so hard.

Yes, she did work hard, and she did give us an example to follow in that respect. She also manipulated, lied, and gaslit. All of my life, I've felt that I didn't deserve to be on this planet, and I felt that I could never measure up to her character.

Now, I know that my siblings and I are better people than our parents. We don't do what they did. But we're still stuck in believing that something is deeply wrong with us, because Mom was always finding something about us that she knew would make us feel self-conscious. It didn't have to be something huge. She would point out when I was overweight. If I was dressed for a special occasion, she always wanted me to wear earrings. Every single time. If I made a mistake in life, she would point it out. When I was crying over the breakup of a relationship, she said, "Well, you know something's wrong when a man behaves like that." (The real meaning was, "You should have known something was wrong."

Now, I have trouble believing that people actually like me and want me around. I tend to panic, because I flash back to when I was younger. As a teenager, I spent a year or so dissociating. I didn't know until recently that this is what it was. The symptoms fit, though.

And what happened while I was going through dissociation and various problems with my physical health?

Mom spent all her time complaining about my behavior. I spent all my time in my room - how rude! I was ignoring the family! (Mom was always talking about the importance of "family", though she rarely treated us as if we really mattered.) My siblings believed what Mom told them, and acted accordingly. Nobody ever asked me why I spent most of my time in my room, or what I was doing in there. Mom was convinced I was on drugs, and she searched my room. What makes this even worse is that she worked in healthcare! She should have known that something was wrong with my physical health, and that my isolation is not the hallmark of someone who is taking drugs. No, it had to be rudeness on my part. She got a lot more mileage that way.

Only this year have I finally been treated for hypothyroidism, which runs rampant in Mom's family. She never took me to the doctor to be checked for it, even though she was fully aware that I could have had this problem. I've spent my entire life since puberty with hypothyroidism, and I'm now mourning the loss of what might have been. I'm finally coming out of the hypothyroid fog, and I wonder how different my life would have been if I'd been treated for it right from the beginning.

I don't know if it's the fact that I am now thinking more clearly, but I just can't put up with the Cult of Mom anymore. And there are very few people I can talk to about it, because her family and friends still think she was a wonderful, giving, generous person. The fact that she was always trying to buy love doesn't seem to have penetrated.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Isurvived! 

I've not had the chance to welcome you yet, so welcome! 

I so get what you are saying, and I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. At my uBPDm's memorial service 5 years ago, it was such a struggle for me when I talked with her friends because they only knew this wonderful, caring person. My perception of reality... .was it skewed so badly that I had missed the 'good' mom? Was I the one who didn't see her right? No, she was different people. In the end, I chose to comfort those who mourned her loss, and I began to seek T because I questioned who my mom really was.

It takes time to unravel the mystery of a pwBPD. Other members here know who their pwBPD is, and while I knew on the surface that things were not right, it is the process of recovery from a BPD parent that has cleared my sight. Have you looked at our list to the right hand side of the board, The Survivors Guide to Childhood Abuse? Where would you say you are on the list? We all go through the listed stages at our own processing pace, not linear, but different for each one. Click on any number and there will be more explanation.

As far as your sister goes, she'll be at her own speed of processing and investigating depending on her needs. You may have the need to push on through and join us in the journey to recovery. They may still be in denial or never want to learn because it is too scary. Nonetheless, you can learn and grow independent of them, and be available to share if and when they are ready.

I have a great book link for you that I'll share below. This to me is an amazing book that opens up how much affect a BPD parent has on their children. Do you see a T?

Surviving a Borderline Parent

 
Wools

[Isurvived]

Thank you!

I'm not sure if I'm in the Remembering stage, or in the Mourning stage. I definitely remember how things were, and I mourn for things I didn't have and opportunities I didn't see.

I finally realized recently that I couldn't possibly have done anything to have blame heaped on me. She hated the fact that I existed. Yet she was determined to keep me around. I often wonder if she said to herself, "I didn't want this kid, so she'll have to make up for it by being everything to me."

She needed to be needed, but she didn't know how to love.

Now, I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I have three siblings. They have seven marriages and six divorces between them. I'm not divorced because I've never been married. I've never been married because I kept getting involved with guys who used me and abused me. Finally, I gave up. I haven't tried to meet any man with a view to a possible relationship in a very long time. I look in the mirror and see someone who was never gorgeous, and is many years older than the hot young women out there. The decent guys go for other women, and get involved with them, and marry them.

I see children with their parents, and it blows me away how good they have it. They talk to their parents, and their parents answer them. The kids lean against their parents, and their parents put an arm around them, or hug them. It was never like that with me.

Does anyone else feel permanently tainted by this upbringing? I look at my parents, and I know now that neither of them ever loved me, or ever could. And if they couldn't, who could? 

[Struggles]

Yes absolutely, when I first read your post it was like reading the story of my mother.  I'm not sure if her father had BPD, but she was the only one out of 4 children that was physically abused.  She has been plagued with this her entire life. 

She still cries to me to this day.  Because her siblings all had a different relationship with her now deceased father she feels like she cannot talk to them or her mother about this. 

I am my mothers only outlet when she needs to talk about the things she has went through, and she has had such a rough life.  I remember the reassurance my mother always wanted me to feel as a child because she never received it. 

My mother has a very hard time believing that anyone could like her or love her.  She has an extremely guilty conscious for even the smallest things, and often feels worthless. 

I tell my mother, as I will tell you... .you have had a rough life, and I am so proud of how far you have come.  You are loved so much, but because of the way you were made to feel as a child, it makes it feel impossible to love.  But that is not true.  You have so much to offer as a sister, as a woman, as a friend. 

It's so hard to not wonder what could have been.  I find myself wondering that myself, a lot. 

Do you have a T that you see?  I have often suggested to my mother to see one for the abuse she endured, but she is afraid I think. 

Sending lots of hugs and hopes of healing for you. 

[Isurvived]

My mother has a very hard time believing that anyone could like her or love her.  She has an extremely guilty conscious for even the smallest things, and often feels worthless. 

I know exactly how your mother feels. I'm always so surprised when someone wants to spend time with me, or is pleased to see me. Every now and then, someone will tell me that it's nice to see me, and every time, I'm surprised.

I have been seeing a hypnotherapist, but he might be leaving town soon. I'm a native English speaker in a country where the native language isn't English, so finding someone I can really talk to is a challenge. I may return to working with a wonderful hypnotherapist in my hometown.

Right now, I'm in a real downer mood, alternating between crying and anger and sadness. All of these realizations have hit hard, and I don't know how much I can say to my sister.

My brother will never believe me, so I'm not even going to try. He's bought into Mom's little cult so much, he'd just tell me how horrible I am. Again. He's never forgiven me for growing to adulthood. When we were young, we were extremely close, but when I grew up physically, he had no use for me. Little girls are small and cute and need protecting. Adult women aren't, and don't. So he gravitates towards the little girls so he can feel important in their lives. I wonder if he, too, has a personality disorder.

It's been really hard. Both of my parents are dead, and Mom died well before I came to understand just how bad she'd been in my life. Even so, I had three breakdowns after her death, and some of my "friends" disappeared because I was so depressed. I feel, now, that I can't talk about what really bothers me, because someone else might decide to leave.

[Struggles]

*big hugs* Let me start off by saying, when those friends left your life, they were not true friends and you did nothing wrong.  You simply confided in your friends about things you were feeling and had been through.  Luckily, this is such a great outlet for expressing what you are feeling and working through it.  It's so hard for people who haven't been through it to understand. 

You mentioning your brother and his reactions towards you, it is highly likely he could have BPD as well.  It can often be passed down. 

I know that mood you are feeling right now, I am currently there myself.  It's so hard to dig our way out of that. 

I am so glad to have met you through here, when I saw your post, I mentioned it to my mother as your stories are so similar.  Since she won't go to a T, I wanted her to know that the feelings she was feeling were a result of what she's been through in her life like yourself.  And how she wasn't alone. 

I want you to know that it helped my mother.  You helped, and I want to thank you for that.

 I hope that anytime you want to talk or get things out, you come here for support.  We are all here for you. 

[Isurvived]

I'm feeling better now. Not a huge amount, but some. I signed up for a series of classes last month, and today was the final class. I didn't want to go - I was tired and sleepy - but I knew someone would be there who would be good for the career I'm training for.

It was fun. I even laughed, more than once. It was a great group of people, and I'll be sorry not to see them again. And I learned some important things about my soon-to-be new career.

As I was walking down the street, I thought of someone I was once involved with, and thought, "He never loved me."

Then another thought came to me: "How can I empower myself from that?"

I haven't tried thinking about it since then. I'm keeping it in the back of my mind.

My username is more appropriate than I realized when I signed up here. I've survived several accidents and near-misses. I've survived the deaths of both parents. I've survived the suicide of one of my best friends.

I've been going through life expecting people to treat me the way Mom treated me - buy things for me, take me places, but also gaslight me, tear down my confidence, and do everything to make me dependent on them. I've been an emotional punching bag for more than one work manager, and more than one so-called friend.

Realizing how it all happened staggers me. Up until a month or two ago, I thought that, although Dad made it clear he didn't love me, Mom did. I thought that she showed it all the time. Now, though, I have to face the fact that she couldn't love me any more than he could. I've been repeating the patterns of my past - go for someone who could and did gain power over me, then allow that person to do, essentially, whatever the hell they wanted. I just hope that, now, I can break the pattern.