How are you finding forgiveness ?

[Edin]

I was just wondering how people on this board are finding forgiveness regarding their BPD-ex. I am not really the sort of person to hold a grudge for too long, but somehow I find it difficult to let go of these feelings of resentment.

During the relationship I was always the one who could just forgive and forget, it was my ex who wasn’t able to do so. Since it all ended, I find myself bearing a grudge and I don’t want to feel this way anymore, it is not me and I definitely don’t want to become like him.

After we were finally done, I was initially very angry about how he treated me during the last months of our relationship, I mostly JADE which of course did not work, or I would just sympathize with his condition. I had definitely let him pass my boundaries. Once I found out he moved on really quickly with someone else, I felt very angry about this, it felt like betrayal, because it was someone who he already knew before me, it sort of confirmed the feeling I had at certain times during the relationship, that he wasn’t to be trusted. And now, 6 months later, I feel the emotional charge about feeling wronged is fading. I don’t longer think much about how awful his treatment was. I am no longer angry about him moving on with someone else. But I do find myself getting stuck somehow in this feeling of injustice. So now and then, I still check up on him online to see if there are any signs indicating this new relationship has ended. To be honest it does feel like this would be my ultimate revenge. But why do I care anyway? I mean if it is not this woman, there will be another one and another one, he isn't learning from any of it. And most important of all, I know I wasn’t happy for a long time in this relationship. So why I am still engaged in this way? It is like this last little string that I can’t let go.

When I look back at a two of my past relationships, I had difficulties getting over ill-treatment, but these people did eventually get in touch and showed they were sorry for what they did. I think this did help somehow, even I was already passed the hurt, it did give some extra closure. I know this BPD ex will NEVER get in touch and feel or express any kind of remorse. He is simply not able to do so, I am wondering if knowing this is making it more difficult for me to make this final step and move on.

[Turkish]

I was just wondering how people on this board are finding forgiveness regarding their BPD-ex. I am not really the sort of person to hold a grudge for too long, but somehow I find it difficult to let go of these feelings of resentment.

But why do I care anyway? I mean if it is not this woman, there will be another one and another one, he isn't learning from any of it. And most important of all, I know I wasn’t happy for a long time in this relationship. So why I am still engaged in this way? It is like this last little string that I can’t let go.

This is a key insight,  and it points back to that over which we do have power: us.

He's moved on,  and as an independent entity, free to make his choices (with the consequences that go with them), no matter how unwise they may be from anyone else's point-of-view. 

You mentioned justice.  Would you take him back at this point,  whether or not he acknowledged how he hurt you?

[Edin]

Hi Turkish,

Thnx for your reply, to answer your question I wouldn´t take him back. If he would acknowledge the hurt he caused me, it would help me to cherish the good times we spent together, I would feel more confident the personal lessons I learnt from this experience (like holding to the believe that we could make this relationship work which was not only unfounded but unhealthy for me and that I should act on that) and it would mean something to me to know that he didn't just turned his back but actually thought about his own responsibility in the demise of this relationship.

I mentioned injustice because I feel strongly about having to go through this alone, even if I know this shows my strength, I sometimes miss not having that special someone who could give that little bit more confidence. While in my perception, he has someone else to focus on, a new promise to a future together, someone to boost his confidence. I have been on the dating scene before and it wasn't a lot of fun, I know how difficult it is just to meet someone to click with, and I am not looking forward to it to go through that again. But he just had someone waiting for him to, maybe even more than one, and it doesn't feel fair, I think that's where my grudge is coming from. So my question is how to overcome this feeling, I am trying to get out there, I see friends and family regularly, but it is difficult, I do feel I am in passive mode, and it is not helping.

[Lostinanother]

I feel for you because I’m in exactly the same boat... .

[vanx]

I struggle with something similar. I actually did get an apology from my ex for how she treated me, but it was peppered with justification of "doing what she had to do," so it didn't feel so good to me. The key is, it sounds like you HAVE accepted you won't get closure from him. I think most of us have to find the closure ourselves.
Being someone who causes harm and cannot accept responsibility is quite a hinderance to personal development. Whatever the status of his current relationship, remember that you have the opportunity to take your own power back and grow. If he shirks taking responsibility, that is up to him, and he probably has limits to what he is capable of, but he misses out on a growth opportunity I think. We are left to ourselves to say "I deserve better", and next time we will find that.
I get it though. I think I've suffered a lot from this, while she moved on quickly and by all appearances was not injured by things.
My opinion is that sooner or later, we all have to confront difficult things in our relationship with ourselves and other people. I don't think jumping into something new and not dealing with closure is a great thing, but it seems fairly common for pwBPD. You and I are processing the end of a difficult relationship, which takes time and is not very pleasant, but we have to have faith that working on ourselves will help us find a healthier relationship we deserve.
The way my ex behaved during the demise of the relationship said a lot to me about whether she was a partner, someone to feel good with and bring out the best in me. She had very little respect for my feelings towards the end. I tried to prove it was some sort of misunderstanding, and I tried to get closure from
her, but it just won't happen.
Don't do yourself the disservice of comparing your situation to your ex's. You have an opportunity to make sure you don't find yourself in this situation again. Hang in there.

[once removed]

hi Edin,

your timeline is similar to mine in that around six months, i was free of most of the pain, but those feelings of injustice really lingered (and/or replaced the pain). it felt more ideal than the pain, but i found it really draining.

youre right. forgiveness is much more challenging when someone asks for it and/or shows remorse. of course you know what they say, that forgiveness is more for you than the other person, and i think that applies to those toughest cases.

i have lots of different (and in some cases competing) kinds of advice for working through this.

creative writing helped. i felt like i got that last word, said my piece, and through creative writing it came with a buzz, gave me a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and also revealed things to me. sometimes it was little more than venting, and less productive/constructive, but i did get the feelings out, burned myself out, and could put it down.

actively work toward forgiveness in uncomfortable and challenging ways. practice consciously wishing him well. that was hard for me for some reason. it wasnt that i wished her bad, and you clearly dont either, its that i did not have the energy to invest in such a wish. try it. keep coming back to it. if youre religious, pray for him. not just that he "will get the help he needs", or whatever although its okay to start from there. just pray (wish, whatever) that he will have happiness. youll start to find sincerity behind it with practice.

explore your role in the relationship breakdown as you are doing. this went a long way for me in letting go of blame and anger, which id somewhat distinguish from feelings of injustice, because people do some unjust things, thats on them, and feelings of injustice are a normal response to that. but exploring my role helped me to move beyond them.

practice mindfulness and wisemind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind) and apply them to these feelings. sometimes theres more under the surface of our feelings. sometimes anger at someone else can be anger at ourselves, it can even be fear, it can be all kinds of things.

we have a workshop on not letting others rent space in your head: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0

and lastly, accept that these feelings are part of a process, and it is a process. time doesnt heal all wounds but it mostly heals the pain. less proximity (time) to the pain lessens the urgency of the other feelings, makes them easier to face and manage.

[vanx]

Edin,

I was thinking about your post. I had to see my ex at work today, and I felt a lot of my own resentment rise. I came across a thread on the subject of resentment and healing from a while back and thought I'd share: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0

Don't mean to bombard you--I know once removed has already shared some helpful links, but I also found this thread helpful. Best wishes!

[MeandThee29]

I was thinking about your post. I had to see my ex at work today, and I felt a lot of my own resentment rise. I came across a thread on the subject of resentment and healing from a while back and thought I'd share: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0

It's so easy to fall into a pattern of resentment.

My therapist reminds me that resentment keeps me the role of a victim. She encourages me to briefly feel the pain and acknowledge it and what my partner did, but then to remove him and the pain and turn him over to himself and destiny/God/Higher Power while I picture myself being filled with better things. She uses the analogy of taking him off my hook and putting him far, far away. I do this in prayer, but it can certainly be adapted. Sometimes I have to do it multiple times a day.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Edin,

I'm sorry that you are still feeling resentment toward your ex. I think that is very human and we all recover from breakups on different timelines. At 6 months out, I was still very fragile emotionally. I commend you for reflecting on this and reaching out for support. That tells me that you are well on your way to getting through this. 

Since it all ended, I find myself bearing a grudge and I don’t want to feel this way anymore, it is not me and I definitely don’t want to become like him.

I can relate. I suspect that holding on too long to resentment and anger toward one person prevents us from being open to ourselves and others. It doesn't feel good, or natural, because I believe we naturally want to feel connected to ourselves and others.

But I do find myself getting stuck somehow in this feeling of injustice. So why I am still engaged in this way? It is like this last little string that I can’t let go.

I think feelings of anger at the injustice of it all are healthy after such an experience. There is definitely a time to rail against the unfairness. As you say, though, getting stuck there isn't helpful. When I get stuck in an emotion, there is usually a story that keeps running in my head and props it up. Can you identify a narrative that is on repeat loop for you? Inquiring into it can help, as well as acceptance for what happened.

I know this BPD ex will NEVER get in touch and feel or express any kind of remorse. He is simply not able to do so, I am wondering if knowing this is making it more difficult for me to make this final step and move on.

Knowing that he isn't able to express remorse could help you let go. Accepting that he may be literally unable—he simply doesn't have the skills that you and I take for granted—means that even if he does feel remorseful, he doesn't know how to communicate it. Or, it could mean that he can't feel remorse because he's in denial about his behavior.

Whatever the case, you are in touch with your feelings, which is a huge advantage after such a loss. Keep inquiring and processing your feelings. You are on a good track here.

heartandwhole