Bad Dreams and Anxiety after going NC

[Struggles]

Has anyone else had bad dreams or severe anxiety after going NC?  My husband and I recently went NC with his mother.  I have had bad dreams two nights in a row.  First one was of her getting in my face the first time we see her again (we are close with his other family that live next door to her so this is inevitable), and the second was where she broke into our home (she has said she would be coming here).  I stay at home so she is likely to show up when my husband is at work.  I know I have to get over this feeling but I stay anxious about it all the time.  I have actually thought facing the fears and going to visit our family that lives next door and getting that first contact over with might be best to help me, but I am not sure. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Struggles,

I'm sure sorry that you are having bad dreams.  They can be so awful and so real, can't they? Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night with your heart racing and have trouble shaking them? Sometimes when I have them, I struggle to keep telling myself that the dreams are only dreams. They are terryifying at times. Many members here have had dreams, whether they come after NC or any traumatic time. Sometimes our bad dreams come out of the blue.

For myself, I think the dreams are due to my brain and emotions needing to find an outlet for all the processing that is going on inside of me, whether conscious or unconscious. One of the things that has helped me the most is to verbally process my frustrations, fears and concerns with my T on a regular basis. Do you have a T that is familiar with BPD that you and your DH can go and see?  What will help you the most? Sharing thoughts here through writing is also a very helpful outlet for many.

Does your DH have scary dreams too?

 
Wools

[CrazyNoMore]

What Woolspinner said.   

I had some terrifying dreams after going NC as well. 

One thing I did, and I don't know if this could be considered "healthy" but it helped me cope, was to be prepared if she decided to show up at my home.  At the time I was living on my own, and when I was in the house by myself I always kept my shoes on and my keys, drivers' license and a credit card in my pocket.  The idea was that if she decided to show, I'd be able to run out of the house and get away.
See, one of my uBPDM's m.o.'s  when she was raging was to trap me by either physically barricading the door or by holding my purse hostage.  So I made dang sure nothing could trap me again.

I never had to do it, but it helped to know I could.

Eventually, I stopped having the nightmares as I started to feel like I had some semblance of control over my life.

20 years on, and my uBPDM has passed, once in a great, great while I may dream about her, but the dreams are more weird than frightening.  It happens every few years - usually when under some other kind of stress.  I'm better able to shrug them off now.

[Struggles]

Thank you both for your responses.  I don't have a T but have considered going to see one.  My husband doesn't have scary dreams. 

I can totally relate to the M.O of the trapping thing.  She does this to my husband, so my husband to this day cannot stand to be in a small room having a heated conversation.  He has to be in an open space with multiple exits, because she has always done this to him.  As I mentioned she also did this to me last month when she followed me into the public bathroom. 


I had another dream last night, although this one wasn't as scary as the others.  In real life, Yesterday she was extremely rude to one of her grandchildren and tried to accuse the grandchild of being rude to her like she had done nothing.  My sister in law was telling me this.  Her big thing when she is like this with someone is to then start talking very child like "innocent and extremely soft voiced with sad tones", to try and make someone believe she couldn't have possibly said what she said.  So in my dream we (my husband, myself, and his siblings) were helping her remodel her home (she has destroyed her walls in real life).  And she was using her usual manipulative tactics and walked out of the house and got a ladder to look through the window to hear if we were saying anything about her and what had just happened.  Then when she came back after we noticed what she was doing she went into the innocent soft and sad voice mode.  So def not scary this time. 


I hate so much what is going on with our family dynamic and truely wish she wouldn't have went as far as she went this last time.  It is extremely awkward.  I don't like turmoil, and I want peace for everyone.  I myself know I will not have anything to do with her anymore other than being in the same room at certain events.  I hope that she can treat my husband right and hopefully heal the wedge that was created, but he says he won't unless she gets help.  Neither one of us see that happening.  The hurt she has caused with her last fit of rage goes so deep.  For both of us.


Since I don't have a T, this has been a saving grace for me in ways.  A wonderful outlet.  My husband and I do talk about what's been going on, but nether one of us want to talk about it as much as we want to because it tends to be the only thing you talk about if you aren't careful about it.  And we have people we can talk to about it, but having people that truely understand because they are either going through it or have been there makes a world of difference. 

[momisborderline]

Hi Struggles,
I can definitely relate to your situation. I went full NC with my udBPDM about 10 days ago and have had lots of scary nightmares  about her, usually around the kinds of things that happened when I was a child, and also just some strange dreams starring her. I'm so sorry for your anxiety and worry. I really hope it gets easier for you soon. In the meantime I have 2 pieces of advice for you that have helped me alot.

1. I really encourage you if it is at all possible to get a therapist who specializes in dealing with trauma around BPD family members. I have one and it makes such a difference. Like I don't know what I would do without her. Also, talk to the therapist about going on some anti-anxiety medication. This has also helped me tremendously.
2. Write down/record your dreams as soon as you have them. When I wake up from a bad dream I will get out of bed if I'm there with my partner and go into another room and recount the dream into the voice recorder of my phone. This way I remember every detail and every feeling.  Then I process it with my therapist.

[Struggles]

Thank you so much for your response!  Those are great suggestions and I am def going to try that!  I live in a smaller area so I am not sure how to find a T that specializes in trauma with BPD, probably just calling the ones in my area to ask. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mother.  Hopefully as time passes we will get used to the new norm of NC. 

Since we have blocked her from calling or texting it has taken a lot of anxiety away for both of us, but still leaves a lot of different kinds of anxiety in its wake.  If that makes any sense.

[momisborderline]

Thank you so much for your response!  Those are great suggestions and I am def going to try that!  I live in a smaller area so I am not sure how to find a T that specializes in trauma with BPD, probably just calling the ones in my area to ask. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mother.  Hopefully as time passes we will get used to the new norm of NC. 

Since we have blocked her from calling or texting it has taken a lot of anxiety away for both of us, but still leaves a lot of different kinds of anxiety in its wake.  If that makes any sense.

Hi Struggles,
Yes I think your plan of calling and asking about a T's experience with BPD's is the way to go. I really hope that you can find one. And while I don't know if anti-anxiety meds will be right for you, they have helped me. So I pass along what works and hope that we all will find some peace.

Your comment about how blocking her from calling or texting leaves a different kind of anxiety is something I can really relate to! After I blocked my mom, I still continued to receive a voicemail here or there from her, not sure why, and some of her texts/emails end up in my spam folder. I wish they wouldn't. My partner says the only way to stop it completely is to change my number but I'm not ready for that. But basically I'm probably only getting 5% or less of her messages that she leaves me so it has helped reduce some anxiety. But in some ways not having the contact has created a different kind of anxiety.

I don't know if this will feel like it fits your experience, but in my case, I think this different kind of anxiety left in the wake of not being in contact with her is anxiety because I still feel responsible for her. And I'm hopeful that in time it will subside. As I come to terms with the fact that only she is responsible for her own life, I hope I will feel less anxious.

Struggles, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I agree this board is a lifesaver for those of us going through this. I really hope things get easier for you and your H.

[Struggles]

Thank you so much for your reply momisborderline. 

These past couple of days have been better, haven't had any bad dreams (knock on wood), and my anxiety felt less these past couple of days. 

I did feel a little anxious this morning and afternoon.  I found out today I will be where my MIL is next week (one of my nieces has a school event).  My husband won't be able to go because he has to work.  I'm hoping that she will not be there since it's just a festival but it's likely she could show up, and even if she doesn't I will then be right next door with in laws so she could end up coming to their home.  She has come at me in public last month, so it makes me nervous, because if she's done it once she won't think twice about doing it again. 

So, now in my head I'm trying to play out any and every situation I can think of to have a plan.  I told my husband if she tries talking to me I will not engage her at all, no matter what she says.  This may not be the best of plans, but if I engage her in even a normal greeting she will go off on me, so it's just best not to. 

Hoping now that I've played out what could happen and have a plan that I won't think about it constantly until the day comes.

[momisborderline]

Thank you so much for your reply momisborderline. 

These past couple of days have been better, haven't had any bad dreams (knock on wood), and my anxiety felt less these past couple of days. 

I did feel a little anxious this morning and afternoon.  I found out today I will be where my MIL is next week (one of my nieces has a school event).  My husband won't be able to go because he has to work.  I'm hoping that she will not be there since it's just a festival but it's likely she could show up, and even if she doesn't I will then be right next door with in laws so she could end up coming to their home.  She has come at me in public last month, so it makes me nervous, because if she's done it once she won't think twice about doing it again. 

So, now in my head I'm trying to play out any and every situation I can think of to have a plan.  I told my husband if she tries talking to me I will not engage her at all, no matter what she says.  This may not be the best of plans, but if I engage her in even a normal greeting she will go off on me, so it's just best not to. 

Hoping now that I've played out what could happen and have a plan that I won't think about it constantly until the day comes.

Oh wow, Struggles, I'm glad you've had a little less anxiety, but then to hear that you will likely be in the same space as your MIL definitely can cause anxiety! I'm so glad you are planning possible scenarios in case she tries to talk with you. It certainly sounds as though no speaking to her at all is the right thing. Isn't something how much planning and scenario run-throughs we have to do with the BPD's in our lives? 

Wishing you strength and peace, and please post here and let us know how it goes next week. We are here for you and will be thinking of you.

[Lilacs]

I know how you feel.
In 2007 when things started feeling out of control for me w my family I would have these frightening dreams about driving in a giant Navigator truck w just the kids on a steep steep incline, other cars are passing by but my car is about to flip over backward bc the hill is so steep. Yet I have to keep driving.

Seriously horrific. And I realized that I was taking on the responsibility of keeping my kids safe while hubby wasn't around. And for many years the dream came back until I could lessen the stress. The metaphor was so obvious.

I hope it helps to write it down or to try to understand the meaning.
It helped me once I figured out why I was having those dreams too.

Peace
Lilacs

[Struggles]

You are so right.  I often work out fears in my dreams.  in the past I have woken up crying or my husband has had to wake me up because I was still asleep and in my dream and crying. 

Luckily haven't had one of those types of dreams in a while (knock on wood). 

My anxiety has been so much better, my heart still races when our phones go off (even though she is blocked on my husbands phone she isn't on mine, but hasn't text me in weeks so that's good).  And I am still very aware of my surroundings and on guard when I'm at the house by myself.

I have a little anxiety today as tomorrow is the day I'll be where she could show up, and right beside her house. I found out she has now said I will get what's coming to me?  That has me worried, but all I can do is take things day by day and try not to let it effect me like it has been doing. 

I'll post and let everyone know how it goes.  Hopefully there will be nothing to report.

[Struggles]

Made it out alive with no run ins .  Felt like I was going to have a heart attack a few times, but managed not to see her.  *phew*

[Turkish]

Made it out alive with no run ins .  Felt like I was going to have a heart attack a few times, but managed not to see her.  *phew*

Well that's good for this time 

It sounds like contact is inevitable though.  It's no fun living with anxiety and bad dreams.  Do you and your H have a strategy for when you see her? I'd think at the least for you not to be trapped alone with her. 

[Struggles]

Hi Turkish,

Yes contact is definitely inevitable.  We know for sure we will see her next month for another one of the kiddos events and of course Christmas, but plan on going to visit the inlaws for the day before hand (the ones that live next door).  This way, hopefully she will cause no drama in a public setting again.  We plan on not engaging with her.  If she tries to cause drama or scream or rage to walk away. 

Other than that we really have no clue on what to do.  We do not intend on being alone with her, especially not me. 

The NC situation is extremely difficult as we are so close to the rest of the family and they live right next door. 

Any suggestions on how to handle it?  I have thought of saying to her "You have hurt us deeply, and have done so time and time again.  For this reason, I do not wish to speak with you.  We will have to be in the same room from time to time.  We do not need to speak, but we can atleast be civil in those moments."  But, if I even engage in that small amount I know it will not help, and if anything she will see that as a fight.  I refuse to engage that way. 

We used to be able to predict her next moves or see the fits coming.  But since it has gotten so much worse, the behavior is now unpredictable.  She usually moves on from one of us to another with her rage fits, but I'm assuming the reason she is hanging on to the rage with us is because we have went NC. 

So right now, I think it's like take it as it comes?