Normal to miss her sometimes after all these years?

[ArtistGuy70]

I admit. Having a weird few days. Dreams about her. Looked at some old pictures of us together last night (I know... .stupid!).

It's been seven years. No contact (except for a small handful of times she contacted me lashing out about something trivial and out of the blue). That was about two years ago.

Halloween was always a fun holiday for us. We would dress up, go out, sometimes to a party together. Act silly. Sexual of course (that was always there as her hook... .extreme pleasing and devotion sexually). I guess it does not help that I am not dating anyone (my choice). Ugh.

Still normal or am I a lost cause :/

[heartandwhole]

Hi ArtistGuy70,

What is normal? 

I don't see occasionally missing someone you loved in the past as a problem. Especially at special times of year when you were close and/or had a lot of fun.

You say you are not dating right now by choice. I'd love to hear more about that—your reasons and how it feels.

In my experience, during times of stress, loneliness, loss, etc., we tend to look toward familiar situations and people for comfort. Even if they hurt us.

Is there anything going on in your life right now that may be contributing to these feelings of missing her?

heartandwhole

[ArtistGuy70]

Hi ArtistGuy70,

What is normal? 

I don't see occasionally missing someone you loved in the past as a problem. Especially at special times of year when you were close and/or had a lot of fun.

You say you are not dating right now by choice. I'd love to hear more about that—your reasons and how it feels.

In my experience, during times of stress, loneliness, loss, etc., we tend to look toward familiar situations and people for comfort. Even if they hurt us.

Is there anything going on in your life right now that may be contributing to these feelings of missing her?

heartandwhole

Yeah. I have been pouring my time and energy into my art and doing shows around the country. But, convention season has ended until January. So there's that. I also gained weight over the last few years that I really need to shed. So, I guess I have been lonely. Daughter is off to college again so I am seeing less of her as well.

[SuperJew82]

I know how you feel Artist. I have been feeling the same way now that summer has come to an end. My best friend who was also my nextdoor neighbour moved away and I lost a couple of my coworker friends. I'm still friends with them of course but they were people who I used to talk to every day.

My BPD experience wasn't as long ago. The last recycle ended near the end of summer. I ended things and promised myself that I would never put us BOTH through that pain again.

I like you, feel lonely at times. Also, my heart isn't in dating right now - so I'm sort of isolating myself. It's as if I'm going into a self-inflicted loner phase. It's certainly not a depression - but I have lost the spring in my step.

I kind of like it, but at the same time, I do not. I wish I had some advice to give you, but I don't. Maybe someone will chime in here.

[ArtistGuy70]

I know how you feel Artist. I have been feeling the same way now that summer has come to an end. My best friend who was also my nextdoor neighbour moved away and I lost a couple of my coworker friends. I'm still friends with them of course but they were people who I used to talk to every day.

My BPD experience wasn't as long ago. The last recycle ended near the end of summer. I ended things and promised myself that I would never put us BOTH through that pain again.

I like you, feel lonely at times. Also, my heart isn't in dating right now - so I'm sort of isolating myself. It's as if I'm going into a self-inflicted loner phase. It's certainly not a depression - but I have lost the spring in my step.

I kind of like it, but at the same time, I do not. I wish I had some advice to give you, but I don't. Maybe someone will chime in here.

Yes, even after all these years, I still think about her sometimes, my friend. To me she was perfect (they do mirror so well, don't they). Beautiful. Sexy. Fun. Funny. Same interests. Porn star sex. blah blah blah. She idealized me to a tee and it felt like a drug. Then walking on eggshells. Then the drug again. Then devaluation. Etc. And each guy will go through a similar cycle with her sadly. She is still alone, no baby like she always said she wanted. But was on my mind last night.

All we can do is live. Move on. Try to find a healthy relationship.

[SuperJew82]

Oh yea, she was my dream girl as well. Mind-blowing sex, beautiful, was into everything I was into... .I don't need to go into details - we both know the story all so well.

Then mine would sabotage our relationship some how and I would put an end to it. Then after the breakup I would get charmed back up - then wash rinse and repeat about a dozen times.

At the end of the cycle my nerves were so shot, paranoia was running so high with all the lies, trying to mitigate her self-destructive was wearing on me... .

It would have been the end of you and I if we were still caught up in the cycles of our BPDexes my friend. Don't ever forget all the pain and keep in mind the good phase is only short lived. I will never be lonely enough to go back to that life.

[SuperJew82]

I think about her every day. I will probably be like you in 5 years, just hoping to think of her less and less - but she will always be a part of me and I am without a doubt, if I live to be 100. There will be not one month that goes by without a memory. I imagine and hope that the pleasant memories, the good times we shared, will never be forgotten.

We did what we needed to do and we moved on. I don't think there is anything wrong with recalling such an intense and life-changing experience. It would be strange not to do that IMHO.

So let's get back to life and focus on our passions. If a relationship is what we are after - let's find ways to get there.

If you think we might be doing no-so-great, keep in mind their life is simply brutally hard and what they dream of is also the thing if their nightmares. Their existence is harder than anything we can imagine. My heart goes out to pwBPD and I hope they can eventually learn to manage some of its symptoms.

I simply am not equipped to handle such a storm.

[blueblue12]

Similar experiences to you all, it’s hard, I do think of her daily, sometimes great things, sometimes the disappointment of the ending. I don’t feel like dating either and just working on trying to find myself. I have come a long way from the walking on shells, scared and demoralise guy I was a year ago.

This year slowly I have been following my passion, the enjoyment of my work and spending time with friends and family. A little slower in terms of my time which is great. Before that my life was exhausting to say the least. So you do start to find inner peace and one thing I love is that suddenly I have more time for things, things that I want to do, even on my own.

There is such a rewarding side when you suddenly start to like yourself again after feeling so devalued during the discardment. I guess her coming back pleading for us to get back, after sabotaging the marriage, makes one feel validated which in itself it has been a great thing for me.

I was rock bottom when she left me, now I know that I am ok and I that I also wasn’t that bad after all and that the demise of our marriage was going to happen at some point and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

[ArtistGuy70]

Yes. She would destroy the relationship or run away, then hook me back in (preaching of love and how much she needs me, etc.). This happened about five times in the five years we were together. Not to mention the times she would become distant and "confused." I am sure I would have been sucked back in after I ended it for good if I did not catch her cheating on me with her rich, married boss (ugly old guy to boot). That was the final straw for me although it was one of the toughest things I ever did.

[ArtistGuy70]

I hear you, Raul. I was a wreck at various points in the relationship. And certainly a mess for a solid year or so after the break up. I am so much stronger now. But, very guarded and pessimistic about the female race.

[CloseToFreedom]

As someone who has been out of it for two years and then got recycled a few times, I know the various stages by heart.

After the break up or after each recycle I am devastated, nothing short of depressed. After each recycle, that lasts shorter each time, the devastated-phase thankfully lasts shorter as well. After the break up (after 4 years of a relationship) it took me at least a season to get out of it, nowadays after a recycle its mostly 2-4 weeks, and Im still able to function to some extent in day to day life as well.

With distance, the longing gets less. But indeed, I don't think I've ever gone through a day without at least thinking about her. But it gets less painful.

In my experience, the longing and missing usually start to get more intense when she tries to recycle or if I feel that a recycle is coming up (strangely enough, I almost always feel it coming up and it always checks out). So I do believe total NO CONTACT forever is the way to get the missing out of the system. Hopefully I'll find a way.

[hope2727]

I miss my person every day. I kid you not every... .single... .day.  It just means that for you it was real.

However, I don't lose sleep over it anymore. I can eat and work and laugh again. I even forgot our anniversary this year and when I remembered a few days later was proud and relieved not devastated.

So yes its ok to miss them. It donors the good parts of the experience.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

It is completely normal.  I have been broken up for 3 years from my xBPD.  The last time I saw her was about a year ago.  I still have occasional dreams about her.  They are rarely sexual, more dreams of me just spending time with her, in her company.  The dreams really seem to be part of me still searching for the high of the idealization phase that never returned as the r/s became increasingly more abusive and toxic.  That is what kept me hanging on, hoping that the girl I fell in love with would return.  Now I know that that girl never truly existed, and that the real girl was the one that always found ways to hurt me, and eventually discarded me.

Part of my subconscious still wrestles with that trauma.  It is not from loneliness either, I am in a very stable and healthy relationship and have been for 2 1/2 years. I'm getting married next year.  That still doesn't heal all the internal conflict from a BPD r/s.  These relationships create layer upon layer of traumatic bonding that linger on.  I'm not sure if I will ever completely heal from it.  I might just continue to make peace with what happened.  The dreams become less and less frequent with time, but they still stir me up when they do happen. 

[SuperJew82]

Congrats on the upcoming wedding! That's pretty awesome!

Yes, I can relate so closely to all of your stories.

One thing I don't miss is being a nervous wreck during the breakups/recycles. I was so addicted to the pinging of my phone when she would engage in relentless texting sessions. I wasn't 100% there for my kids, friends, work, etc when I was being put through that emotional turmoil. It did get less and less each recycle.

I also have to say that NO CONTACT was the only way for me to get there. I had to block all IM's, calls, textings, emails, smoke signals, etc to make it work as she would try it all. The sexual charming was really crappy.

Although I do feel a little lonely at times and can get a little bit on the bluesy side from time to time - I'm so much better not having that in my life. Sure we had good times and I'm thankful for those memories - but the bad times were so much harder. I don't have to watch her sabotage things, put herself in undesirable situations. I don't have to wonder about her when she would become distant, empty, and depressed. No more paranoia not wondering who she is cheating on me with or what is the truth and what is a lie. I don't have to watch her get into financial hardships and hear of her doing dangerous things.

I will never be lonely enough to make my life hell again. I wish her the best and I do feel sorry for her - but I can't fix everything. That's not my responsibility. I encouraged her to go to a doctor where she was officially diagnosed and they lined her up with a therapist. I feel that I did my part.  It's up to her to help herself. Even if she goes to therapy ( doubt she will ) and learns to manage what she faces - this type of relationship is not for me. It's my opinion that from the people I have talked to that a relationship with a pwBPD is never going to be easy even with years of therapy. I hope she finds someone stronger than I am, but that person is not me. Also, when you break someone's trust so many times like she did with me - you cannot fix that.

So to sum it all up: Even though I do have some days where I happen to remember some of the good times and miss her, I make it a habit to remember some of the bad times to remind myself how better I am doing now that I put my life in a different direction. I'm not a nervous wreck who is mentally absent from my own life because of the weight I'm carrying around.

I would rather pursue anything else out there as long as it doesn't have a 100% certainty of hardship and failure as I had with my exdBPDgf.

It feels good to be out of that. I really wish I was in the mood for dating, but I have tried and I find it hard to get excited about the whole process. I think I had a little bit of a "rebound energy" at first - but now I'm a little indifferent to dating. Hopefully with time, that will change. Maybe I just need to hibernate this winter season. :P

[hope2727]

I hear you on the hibernating for the winter Super Jew. Dating just seems like to much effort. I've met some nice men but its a lot of effort for the degree of enjoyment. I would rather just focus on my studies and take my very limited free time for myself.

[blueblue12]

I am with you on this SuperJew, the peace that comes from staying away and NC is so rewarding. Suddenly you have time for yourself, after the breakup perhaps too much time and for me it was devastating but eventually it becomes a blessing.

Sure I miss her and get bluesy feelings as well here and there, but in the main I have arrived at a place where I know that going back is not a good option for my life. It would just derail again and again. I did go through one recycle and that was enough to get the taste of the changes. It was rather quick, she was amazing for a couple of days, then arguments and becoming distant resurface once more.

She did pursue me for another one, but I did not engage. It’s hard to go back when you start to get better and you realise that the way you were treated, especially during the discardment, and the things she engaged with which she sabotaged the marriage, are actually not forgivable.

Yes I feel like like I will go on missing her sweet qualities, the way she made me feel loved at the beginning, but the reality like reluctantsurvivor points out is that there was not the real girl, the real girl was actually quite detached, hurtful and ultimately derailed and destroyed our relationship.

[ArtistGuy70]

It is completely normal.  I have been broken up for 3 years from my xBPD.  The last time I saw her was about a year ago.  I still have occasional dreams about her.  They are rarely sexual, more dreams of me just spending time with her, in her company.  The dreams really seem to be part of me still searching for the high of the idealization phase that never returned as the r/s became increasingly more abusive and toxic.  That is what kept me hanging on, hoping that the girl I fell in love with would return.  Now I know that that girl never truly existed, and that the real girl was the one that always found ways to hurt me, and eventually discarded me.

Part of my subconscious still wrestles with that trauma.  It is not from loneliness either, I am in a very stable and healthy relationship and have been for 2 1/2 years. I'm getting married next year.  That still doesn't heal all the internal conflict from a BPD r/s.  These relationships create layer upon layer of traumatic bonding that linger on.  I'm not sure if I will ever completely heal from it.  I might just continue to make peace with what happened.  The dreams become less and less frequent with time, but they still stir me up when they do happen. 

You hit it on the head. The girl I idealized and had all the wonderful memories of, never truly existed. She wore masks. She mirrored to get what she needed. She was a paper copy. Fake. Shallow. They mirror us so well. I suppose it's why we miss them so much when they discard us.

[SuperJew82]

Mirroring... .

Maybe we shouldn't fall in love with ourselves so easily, right?

[SuperJew82]

Raul said it best... .somethings are not forgivable. Lying to me dozens and dozens of times. Cheating on me. Etc... .

I don't know about everyone else... .but what was done to me was not repairable. I may internally forgive her for what she has done, but more chances are not merited. Trust cannot be rebuilt for me.

That is my boundary. You violate it multiple times ( should have been one ) and I should say no more. Done. If I would have had this mentality before, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and two years of my life.

... .but it could have been much worse.