Learning to take responsibility

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am back on this board as the r/s I had with my ex is now over. I want my healing to continue by self examination and examining how I ended up in an affair with a woman who was not emotionally or physically available, while I had a wife at home who was.

When I was young I used to quote something a wise person once told me like a mantra: "If your emotional needs are not being met in a r/s then get out." It is this that I want to examine. In many ways this was excellent advice, if a tad black and white. Had I followed it with my ex, I never would have become embroiled in the first place.

I want to quote a book here that was posted by a moderator in another discussion as I think it is crucial to my understanding of myself:

The Three Faces of Victim- Overview of the Drama Triangle
By Lynne Forrest (Revised 2008)

Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.

The dynamic with my ex was trying to constantly regain control of my autonomy. Not being somebody who danced to her tune. However, she somehow managed to pull me under her spell. Why? Because I chose to be under it. She was providing something I needed ie sex and companionship (albeit the latter by text and entirely on her terms). These are the two things that I miss most about her. However, by looking outside of my marriage I was putting myself in a vulnerable position and engaging in a non relationship. This woman was never going to fulfill me in any way, save for some stolen nights of passion.

The post by the site moderator went on to say:

I’ve sometimes referred to the victim triangle as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that create shame. This has the effect of reinforcing old, painful beliefs that keep us stuck in a limited version of reality.

I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

I was constantly playing into my own abandonment issues. The pain felt familiar and perhaps by going after somebody who was not available I was unwittingly playing out my own pathology and trying to fix it. It was never going to be fixed by an unavailable married woman 200 miles away from my home. It was a fantasy from start to finish. The only time it was ever real was when we were together but even then she was distant and mournful much of the time. It's not her fault, it is mine. I allowed myself to become a victim of her needs and desires and disregard my own. Yes, I was getting some needs met but on a very fleeting basis and really a night of passion with her just created a yearning which I now see is part of my own abandonment pathology.

My ex and I had history long before I met my wife. At the time I rekindled the passion for my ex, I wasn't sleeping with my wife. I should have focused on that rather seek solace elsewhere. If I am being harsh on myself and in some ways I should be, I would say that I risked my own happiness and the happiness of my wife for a fantasy romance with a beautiful woman who I saw as something of a trophy to be with. I don't think it was conscious, but having sex with a beautiful woman is what every man wants. However, rather than bolstering my self esteem, the long term r/s with my ex destroyed it. I was indeed her victim.

[RomanticFool]

I am back on this board as the r/s I had with my ex is now over. I want my healing to continue by self examination and examining how I ended up in an affair with a woman who was not emotionally or physically available, while I had a wife at home who was.

When I was young I used to quote something a wise person once told me like a mantra: "If your emotional needs are not being met in a r/s then get out." It is this that I want to examine. In many ways this was excellent advice, if a tad black and white. Had I followed it with my ex, I never would have become embroiled in the first place.

I want to quote a book here that was posted by a moderator in another discussion as I think it is crucial to my understanding of myself:

The Three Faces of Victim- Overview of the Drama Triangle
By Lynne Forrest (Revised 2008)

Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.

The dynamic with my ex was trying to constantly regain control of my autonomy. Not being somebody who danced to her tune. However, she somehow managed to pull me under her spell. Why? Because I chose to be under it. She was providing something I needed ie sex and companionship (albeit the latter by text and entirely on her terms). These are the two things that I miss most about her. However, by looking outside of my marriage I was putting myself in a vulnerable position and engaging in a non relationship. This woman was never going to fulfill me in any way, save for some stolen nights of passion.

The post by the site moderator went on to say:

I’ve sometimes referred to the victim triangle as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that create shame. This has the effect of reinforcing old, painful beliefs that keep us stuck in a limited version of reality.

I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

I was constantly playing into my own abandonment issues. The pain felt familiar and perhaps by going after somebody who was not available I was unwittingly playing out my own pathology and trying to fix it. It was never going to be fixed by an unavailable married woman 200 miles away from my home. It was a fantasy from start to finish. The only time it was ever real was when we were together but even then she was distant and mournful much of the time. It's not her fault, it is mine. I allowed myself to become a victim of her needs and desires and disregard my own. Yes, I was getting some needs met but on a very fleeting basis and really a night of passion with her just created a yearning which I now see is part of my own abandonment pathology.

My ex and I had history long before I met my wife. At the time I rekindled the passion for my ex, I wasn't sleeping with my wife. I should have focused on that rather seek solace elsewhere. If I am being harsh on myself and in some ways I should be, I would say that I risked my own happiness and the happiness of my wife for a fantasy romance with a beautiful woman who I saw as something of a trophy to be with. I don't think it was conscious, but having sex with a beautiful woman is what every man wants. However, rather than bolstering my self esteem, the long term r/s with my ex destroyed it. I was indeed her victim.

[once removed]

this is a subject near and dear to my heart RF, maybe the single biggest lesson i took from my relationship, so im thrilled you brought it up.

taking responsibility is about being an adult and being in charge of your life. in some cases (specifically mine) its about first recognizing "i am the problem" and then moving to "i am the solution."

its a world view. its about moving out of a victim mentality, about moving away from the idea that "bad things happen to me" (not to be too black and white either. if a hurricane hits your home that is a bad thing that happened to you. but i used to feel this way about my relationships and i couldnt understand why "this kept happening to me". relationships, of course, are an interaction between two people, not something that happens to us. it wasnt until i began to explore that that i could begin to change the dynamics and my direction) its the key to a better future. its freedom. its courage, strength, and not being ruled by the bondage of fear.

When I was young I used to quote something a wise person once told me like a mantra: "If your emotional needs are not being met in a r/s then get out."

this is a bit black and white. there are obvious exceptions like "perhaps i am doing a poor job of communicating my needs" and "my partner cannot meet 100% of my needs 100% of the time and i need to find ways to meet my own needs that are not limited to my partner". but i want to touch on where i think its dead on, like not staying in a dead end relationship, for example.

emotional immaturity (our level of differentiation) manifests in unrealistic expectations, and as youve learned, we partner with our emotional equals. unrealistic expectations may mean refusal to accept that a person cannot meet your needs. at the end of the day, thats not accepting and respecting a person as they are, flaws, limits and all, and the outcome is frustration. that may mean "get out". it may not. i do think that Radical Acceptance is at the heart of losing unrealistic expectations, either way, and that can help determine ones path.

the three faces of victim are an excellent supplement to the karpman drama triangle. few consciously desire to be a victim. yet so often, we victimize ourselves, because we havent learned to take responsibility.

its a great thread, and great work youre doing. id like to add some information that really helped it all sink in for me, and i hope others will chime in.

The concept of Differentiation of Self is the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people can not separate feelings and thoughts; when dealing with relationships, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their decisions on that. This often manifests as unrealistic needs and expectations.  Further, they have difficulty separating  their own feelings from the feelings of others.
<br/>:)ifferentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my relationship, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.

2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.

3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.

4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.

5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.

6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.

7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.

8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.

9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .

10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.

11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.

12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.

13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.

14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.

15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.

To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence. It means being able to calmly reflect on a conflicted interaction afterward, realizing your own role in it, and then choosing a different response for the future. Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop.

These widely accepted theory were developed by Murray Bowen, M.D. in the late 1940s and early 1950s when he was a psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. After his time at Menningers, he moved to the National Institute of Mental Health, then to Georgetown University Medical Center and finally established the Georgetown Family Center in Washington, D.C.

Bowen's therapy is a process of increasing one's differentiation or ability to balance automatic reactivity and subjectivity with a factual view of oneself and others.


www.bowentheoryacademy.org/6.html

www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/

[RomanticFool]

Hi once removed,

Some important food for thought here. I'm going to dive right in:

emotional immaturity (our level of differentiation) manifests in unrealistic expectations, and as youve learned, we partner with our emotional equals

Skip said this to me a while ago and I had forgotten this point. If we do indeed partner with our emotional equals then I must conclude that I am dysfunctional. I get involved time and again with people who are unavailable and have intimacy issues. When they don't, I feel engulfed and push them away.

Again, I had read about differentiation as being something that happens in childhood where we learn to be separate from others and see ourselves as independent beings. My co-dependent nature suggests I was not nurtured effectively at this stage.

unrealistic expectations may mean refusal to accept that a person cannot meet your needs. at the end of the day, thats not accepting and respecting a person as they are, flaws, limits and all, and the outcome is frustration. that may mean "get out". it may not. i do think that Radical Acceptance is at the heart of losing unrealistic expectations, either way, and that can help determine ones path.

This is important because I have always struggled to accept my ex for the fact that she could not provide what I thought i needed from her. Of course my expectations were unrealistic and to be fair to her she never promised me anything other than what we had; fleeting nights of passion when she could get away. This was never enough and I should never have engaged in the first place. It was always me pushing the sexual agenda. I think she would have been content with a connection of some kind which didn't involve intimacy. While she did eventually engage in the passionate side of the r/s this was early on and while it wasn't exactly love-bombing, it was during the early stage of the r/s where she had probably idealised me also.

The list of characteristics for a healthy person are very important. A few stick out very clearly for me:

Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.

I think when I become strongly emotionally engaged with somebody I become co-dependent immediately. Much of that is for a sexual thrill but, interestingly, if they don't comply with my high expectations then in the past I have instantly pushed them away and become toxic.

Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.

This underlines my point above. I behave like an abandoned child when somebody rejects me (or when I fear/perceive rejection). I have acted out this way in my working r/s at times too and it has damaged my career. This is why I have been uncertain whether I have BPD traits myself or NPD traits. It is tough to accept that I push people away whom I feel I would die without. I don't exaggerate that feeling because there were times with my ex when I was so much in love with her (my version of love anyway) and I pushed her away constantly for what I saw as betrayal. Given the fact I was dealing with a married woman, this sense of betrayal was acute and constant. Her own pathology meant she had no inclination to show empathy towards me.

One time sticks in my mind when she came out of alcohol rehab and following many months of not seeing each other, we met in my home town. She asked me to accompany her to the tattooist as she wanted to get an extension to a tattoo she had on her arm. The tattooist touched her around her chest as she was thinking about having it extended there. As you can imagine I hit the roof. I left the tattoo parlour and went upstairs and when she eventually came out, she berated me for my behaviour.

I tried to explain that I hadn't seen her for ages, that I had missed her emotionally and physically and it was too much to see a man 'pawing' her. She told me that the idea she would be attracted to the young tattoo artist was 'disgusting' and that I was always picking on her. Bearing in mind we had seen each other once in over a year, and she had spent the majority of that year abusing me verbally while drinking alcoholically (which I had forgiven), her reaction was galling to say the least.

The final straw came when we sat in a cafe straight after and we weren't talking to each other and she told me that it was exactly like being at home with her husband. My heart and soul were dying. She then left to get her train home and I had to eat humble pie in texts for about a month after. This was the moment when I realised that something was irretrievably dysfunctional about our r/s. (somewhat exacerbated further by her insistence of giving £20 to a female crack addict because she compliment my ex's jacket). Chaos, hurt, fear, abandonment, hopelessness, emptiness and sadness all present in that one single interaction. Yet I could not wean myself off this woman.

Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.

This is probably the key to it all. Above everything, I wanted her as my sexual partner, to fulfill a deep seated and neglected need - the fact that she is a beautiful and sexy ex model (dressed in a post punk style) taps into what I saw as my ideal woman. That was very much a fantasy as she could not manage her own life, let alone be there for me. I essentially used a sick woman for sex and love addiction issues.

Making no heroes; taking no victims.

This is a lovely way of looking at life. ':)o as you would be done by.'

Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.

I have been looking for somebody to save me my whole life and when the ones willing to do just that appeared, I pushed them away as if they were abhorent to me. If that's not a BPD trait then I don't know what is.

I am already regretting going NC with my ex because I miss her, however, I know I will never get off the treadmill if I remain in daily contact with her. I have known this for some time. But my push/pull cycle is strong and I feel like I have sabotaged a friendship. In fact she said I cut her off FB out of malice. The truth of that situation is that she hadn't contacted me for three days and once again I felt abandoned and worthless even though I had decided the r/s was over. I simply can't have her in my life if I want to get healthy and focus on my marriage. I am not emotionally capable of being platonic friends with her. There is too much primal energy in me when she is in contact.

Skip posted something the other day where he said if we are expecting a pwBPD to care about our feelings then we are deluded because it is never going to happen. I have to keep reminding myself of that fact because I do not want to go back to those old feelings of yearning. I know I have intimacy issues myself and I need to focus on my own pathology.

To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence. It means being able to calmly reflect on a conflicted interaction afterward, realizing your own role in it, and then choosing a different response for the future. Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop.

I have tried for years to do this in AA. This is the basis of the AA programme. I can do it with my wife, my friends, my family. I could never do it with my ex and for that I feel truly sorry for myself and for her - but I must also remind myself that it may not mean to her what it means to me. Of that I will never be truly certain... .