How do you react to the "I have decided to forgive you" schtick?

[LittleBlueTruck]

My mom moves out of my house tomorrow.  The last few days, she has been completely withdrawn, stopped eating, and has been brusque with me.  I'm really struggling with a lot of strong emotions and basically making it on fumes to the finish line of her being gone. I believe she has stopped eating to drop weight before she moves on to the next relative; I have seen her do this now twice before.

This morning she approached me with as many tears as she's able to conjure for these things and told me she hoped we didn't hate each other after all this.  This disarmed me quite a bit and I hugged her and told her I also didn't want that and that I loved her.  She didn't respond that she loved me, because she doesn't say that to me.  She then told me I'm an amazing mother (which was shocking).  I thought we were about to have a very open conversation and for a moment I felt panic that she was NOT ill and I totally had her mispegged and that she was just misunderstood.  She then went on to say that I treated her like a total low life and was clearly ashamed of her and she didn't understand what she could possibly have done to deserve this.  I did not react because I have learned that there is no point and that the JADE trap is very real.  I just let her talk.  When she was done, I just handed her the things I had purchased for her plane ride tomorrow to make them more comfortable.  She sighed and smiled like we had just had a really great conversation.

This is also a common thing I've seen her to do repeatedly to me and others.  She approaches in a conciliatory way and it seems like a breakthrough is imminent.  Her gestures and tone seems like that is what is happening.  But then in that same disarming tone, she tells you how horribly you have wronged her. Never in my life do I remember my mom ever apologizing for something that was a backwards calculated non-apology ("I am sorry if I have loved TOO MUCH and cared TOO MUCH!).

I know what is coming, because it has happened multiple times in the past and I've heard her do it to others.  She's going to dramatically "forgive" me while describing in detail with many insults what she perceives my wrongs to be. There is literally nothing to do with this, right? I just stay blank and absorb? I'll be honest, I'm so depleted and resentful about the harm she has caused, I don't have it in me to validate these feelings.  Being just silent and not saying anything is okay, right?

I think my friends and family are confused why this is all still bothering me so much since she is about to leave.  But I am struggling more the last couple weeks than I have the entire time she's lived here.  I just feel so awful.

[Harri]

Hi Little blue.  What a tough time.  Of course you are struggling with this.  Telling her she has to move and not care taking her goes against every thing you were trained and groomed to do.  Your behaviors and choices have been conditioned by her all of your life.  changing your conditioned responses is going to be very hard and you will feel much worse now that she is moving and you are not staying in your familiar role.

Remind yourself of all of that over and over again for as long as you need to.  Your friends and some family will not understand how significant this change is for you because they were not conditioned in the same way you were.  That is okay though, just be happy for them that they did not have to deal with this particular type of mother and find those of us who can understand and support, encourage and even give you a bit of a nudge when needed.

As for what to say, silence is good sometimes, but do not ever 'absorb' what she says.  She is voicing the perspective of a very disordered mind and there is nothing there to validate.

If you don't want to validate, don't.  If you want you can say 'yes, I know you are feeling hurt' or say nothing.  There is no right or wrong.  This is not about getting through to her and getting her to see your perspective.  That will never happen as she has proven time and again.  If you want to for *you* you can say something like "I know you feel hurt but you are not welcome here because of the choices you have made time and again'.  Chances are she won't understand and she may escalate, but if it is important to you to speak up for yourself then do so.  She is already mad at you.  She has already painted you black.  You know from what she has done to others what she will do/say about you.  she is who she is.  Again, do not let a disordered individual define you or your actions.

Little blue, it took me years to get back to normal after moving away and finding myself (still working on it too!).  It is going to hurt, feel uncomfortable, feel wrong to follow through on having her move out.  Remember, it takes time to change conditioned responses and behaviors.

Do and say what is right and healing for you.  You are not wrong.  You are not doing anything wrong.  What you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances no matter how off kilter you may feel.  Do it anyway.  Do not define your actions and words based on what she says about you or how she reacts... .she is disordered.  When you can, have sympathy for her, but if all you feel right now is resentment and anger?  You are allowed and it is in fact healthy for you to feel these things in response to being abused.  don't fool yourself about that.

You feeling awful right now is short term.  You will feel better and you will heal as you keep working on you.  Remember, feeling awful right now is expected.  Don't fight it.  Fighting it just makes it worse.

[Struggles]

It's so hard for others who are not dealing with it directly to understand the emotions of dealing with someone with BPD leaves us with.  

They are so extremely good with guilt trips, manipulation, and playing the victim that it really makes us second guess ourselves sometimes.  

My husband also received the "I forgive you, and if something happens to me, forgive yourself" speech from his mother.  He didn't respond as at this point he didn't have her blocked from sending texts but just was not responding.  He said he wanted to so badly say "you forgive me?", but he said he knew it would do no good.  Trying to explain to her that she has wronged or hurt you has been impossible.  I would venture to say finding a needle in a haystack would be easier.  

Even though it is not my mother, I have also had times where it felt like doing what I needed to for myself is so much harder than just giving in and letting her have her way and just going back to the old way of things.  Us all being hurt, letting her verbally abuse everyone, panic of what she's gonna do next.  But then I try and remember everything she's done, and how that would help no one.  Not her, not me, not the family.  It's a dang if you do and dang if you don't life with a person with BPD.  

Hopefully tomorrow, you can start to breath a small sigh of relief and start focusing on your healing from this.  It's so much easier said than done.  You know you are doing the right things, but it doesn't stop you from second guessing your decisions.  

[LittleBlueTruck]

Oh, Harri.  So helpful and healing.  I feel actually less tense and anxious.  Going to read your reply a few more times and as needed.

You just normalized what feels so WRONG because you are right - this is going against everything I was taught. My mom said she was euphoric the first year she lived with me.  That was when I was still begging her to eat, buying her multiple samples of different products or clothes for her to try (because she wouldn't ever state a preference and part of the game was I had to guess, and I better guess right)... .we were still making her separate meals three times per day as her diet got stranger and more restrictive and difficult. I was apologizing for everything and asking her to just TELL me what she wanted because everything I tried seemed to make things work. "Euphoric" for her was killing me.

I just read your response and ruminated further... .she said I treat her like a low life now... .I am treating her with respect and dignity and we continue to completely provide for her.  I am admittedly much more distant and don't engage much.  I'm just not able to tolerate anymore the little barbs that get injected in the most benign possible conversations.

So helpful.  Thank you as always, you are a very kind and intuitive person.  I wish you were my therapist and not this cracker jack lady I still need to get rid of but feel too guilty to do so!

[LittleBlueTruck]

Struggles - it sounds like you definitely get it! I just gave a massive eye roll about the "don't beat yourself up if anything ever happens to me" text.  Barf. Have you noticed that now that you can see the manipulation in the person close to you that you now see it EVERYWHERE? Like, I now notice it absolutely everywhere.  I am an attorney and now when my clients start telling me their story and I can sense when I am being purposefully manipulated (wanting me to feel sorry for them, etc) I just sort of narrow my eyes and breathe deeply. 

Everyone manipulates.  I do.  Everyone does.  But until you see it on a personality disorder scale, you cannot understand the depth to which it makes you doubt your own reality.  It is actually impressively intelligent and conniving!

[Notwendy]

Yes everyone manipulates to some degree but I'm not a master at it. My mother does it well. Yes I've gotten the I forgive you as well as the pitiful contriteness- which is so hard to deal with. Also the compliments what a great mother I am ( to my kids ) and how proud she is of me almost minutes after she's raged at me - said all kinds of mean things.

its hard when my mother is waify. It feels horrible to have her be like this but I have to see it for what it is- manipulation.

I wish you the strength to keep your boundaries and have a peaceful home life .

[momisborderline]

My mom moves out of my house tomorrow.  The last few days, she has been completely withdrawn, stopped eating, and has been brusque with me.  I'm really struggling with a lot of strong emotions and basically making it on fumes to the finish line of her being gone. I believe she has stopped eating to drop weight before she moves on to the next relative; I have seen her do this now twice before.

This morning she approached me with as many tears as she's able to conjure for these things and told me she hoped we didn't hate each other after all this.  This disarmed me quite a bit and I hugged her and told her I also didn't want that and that I loved her.  She didn't respond that she loved me, because she doesn't say that to me.  She then told me I'm an amazing mother (which was shocking).  I thought we were about to have a very open conversation and for a moment I felt panic that she was NOT ill and I totally had her mispegged and that she was just misunderstood.  She then went on to say that I treated her like a total low life and was clearly ashamed of her and she didn't understand what she could possibly have done to deserve this.  I did not react because I have learned that there is no point and that the JADE trap is very real.  I just let her talk.  When she was done, I just handed her the things I had purchased for her plane ride tomorrow to make them more comfortable.  She sighed and smiled like we had just had a really great conversation.

This is also a common thing I've seen her to do repeatedly to me and others.  She approaches in a conciliatory way and it seems like a breakthrough is imminent.  Her gestures and tone seems like that is what is happening.  But then in that same disarming tone, she tells you how horribly you have wronged her. Never in my life do I remember my mom ever apologizing for something that was a backwards calculated non-apology ("I am sorry if I have loved TOO MUCH and cared TOO MUCH!).

I know what is coming, because it has happened multiple times in the past and I've heard her do it to others.  She's going to dramatically "forgive" me while describing in detail with many insults what she perceives my wrongs to be. There is literally nothing to do with this, right? I just stay blank and absorb? I'll be honest, I'm so depleted and resentful about the harm she has caused, I don't have it in me to validate these feelings.  Being just silent and not saying anything is okay, right?

I think my friends and family are confused why this is all still bothering me so much since she is about to leave.  But I am struggling more the last couple weeks than I have the entire time she's lived here.  I just feel so awful.

Dear Little Blue,
I am so impressed by you. To hold onto your bottom line in the face of such abject manipulation is inspiring. You have gone through something that I haven't. You see, my mom lives on the other side of the country. The plan was for her to move to my city this spring and I just told her a few weeks ago that she needs to stay in her city and look for assisted living there. I was afraid if she came to my city, she would move into my house and I wouldn't be strong enough to get her to leave. While I have blocked her on my cell phone, I still received a vm or 2. After gathering my strength, I listened to it today. You will not be surprised to hear that basically she said "Even though you have broken your promise to me to take care of me forever, I forgive you, I know this isn't you talking, it's other bad people who are influencing you to do this." She can't for one moment believe that this is really what I want and need to keep myself sane. It's the illness, it refuses to let her have any level of self-reflection. And I think that's why they are such master manipulators, because it allows them not to look at themselves.

So here you are, dealing with a mother doing the quintessential "sorry/not sorry" routine.  They are so skilled at doing this. You called it a "shtick" and you are right - I love that. It's a routine. And it's a routine that allows them to not look at themselves.

I am with you in support, and hope that when you wake up tomorrow, you can feel some relief. I really hope for both of us we can overcome the feelings of guilt and anxiety that comes from not care-taking the borderlines in our lives anymore. I am beginning to believe for me that my anxiety is linked to my still feeling responsible for my mom. And if I can finally believe I am not responsible for her that the guilt and anxiety will lessen. Good luck to you, will you keep posting and let us know how you are doing?

[Harri]

How are you doing Little Blue?  Post when you can and if you want. 

LOL about being your counselor!  thank you!  It would have to be a very large therapy room as what I wrote to you is all stuff that was passed along to me from people who have helped and supported me along my way.  What a tribute to everyone that our collective words helped soothe and calm you a bit.  BTW, changing your T will not be nearly as difficult as what you are doing with your mom. 

Remember, whatever you are feeling right now is okay.  Relief?  healthy!  Anger?  healthy!  Exhaustion?  Healthy!  Shut down/dissociating?  Healthy but with a caveat... .give your mind time to rest but get back in touch with your feelings soon!

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mothers death.  I felt sad but mostly relieved and so thankful that I have had the last 10 years away from her, at least physically.  I went for a drive and just spent time breathing in the fall air, looking at the leaves (I live in New England) and spent some time watching the waves at the beach.  It was a lovely though bitter sweet day for me.

anyway, just wanted to check in on you.  consider yourself poked!

[LittleBlueTruck]

I will be back to post a more in depth reply to the very kind and supporting posters above but Harri, I just wanted to quickly say it is done! Her airplane should land shortly in another state to live with my brother (poor guy).

So, she doesn't drive and it was next to impossible to get her to leave the house. So in the last two years, I've had the house to myself without her in it barely ever (once she visited my brother and once she got her ID card with my husband and they were gone an hour). Being inside my house right now feels beyond anything I can describe. I cannot believe what an enormous negative influence she had on us.  I know the more complicated feelings are going to bubble up soon but for now it feels soo good!

She was super manipulating at the end and she did some things that suggest to me there could be some really much more significance mental health issues. But tonight I am going to walk into the master bedroom and decide what we want to do with that empty space now!

Thanks again for all the support. Yesterday felt awful but today felt so good.