over for a year and still struggling to recover

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I don't even know where to start. I loved her for 29 years and suddenly it was over.  She hated me and wanted a divorce.  My whole world ended and after a year with no contact, I know that she lied, cheated, mentally, physically and emotionally abused me for most of our relationship but I am still missing the life that we built. 

I am here because I am really struggling to find myself again.  I still feel broken, unlovable and on some level, believe all of the horrible things that she said about me and to me.  She said that I would end up alone because I was the crazy one.  I caused all of the problems.  I was unreliable and untrustworthy.  I was the reason that she was angry and why she felt so alone.  I never gave her enough, no matter that everything revolved around her and what she needed.  I was always in trouble with her. 

I am so tired of feeling so lost and alone but don't know what to do to move forward. 

[Arctic Fox]

Hi,

I don't even know where to start. I loved her for 29 years and suddenly it was over.  She hated me and wanted a divorce.  My whole world ended and after a year with no contact, I know that she lied, cheated, mentally, physically and emotionally abused me for most of our relationship but I am still missing the life that we built. 

I am here because I am really struggling to find myself again.  I still feel broken, unlovable and on some level, believe all of the horrible things that she said about me and to me.  She said that I would end up alone because I was the crazy one.  I caused all of the problems.  I was unreliable and untrustworthy.  I was the reason that she was angry and why she felt so alone.  I never gave her enough, no matter that everything revolved around her and what she needed.  I was always in trouble with her. 

I am so tired of feeling so lost and alone but don't know what to do to move forward. 

[once removed]

hi Arctic Fox and

I loved her for 29 years and suddenly it was over.

wow. thats nearly as long as ive been alive. this must be incredibly devastating and its no wonder that you are struggling and missing her.

youre not alone Arctic Fox. youve found a heck of a community who are here to support you and understand what you have been through, and we can tell you that it does get better.

how can we best support you at this time? are you seeing a therapist to help you process?

[SuperJew82]

29 years. My heart goes out to you. When did things start going bad for you, if I might ask?

I hope you are doing well and have a good support group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Arctic Fox,

I'd like to join OR and SJ in welcoming you.  So glad you found us.  Is your ex wife diagnosed with BPD?  A lot of what you describe is often seen on this board, however in your case this has been happening for so long that I'm sure you are feeling really dazed and confused by it all and that a great deal has now hit you after the split.  The lingering effects can take time to heal from.  Do you see a therapist and have you supportive friends and family you can speak to?  I'm afraid to say that the only way out is through this grief and confusion. 

It's OK to miss the life that you built with her despite the fact you were not treated well.  Long term abuse such as you describe can have a big effect on a person and I'd encourage you to get all the support that you can.  Which is also why it is wonderful that you are reaching out here.  I found that increasing my knowledge helped me enormously when recovering from the abuse I had experienced.  One of the articles that really made a difference to my perspective on things was Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD.  I'd encourage you to take a good look at the beliefs and see if you can identify any which still linger for you.  I hope you'll decide to share those with us so that we can help you through this. 

Getting over a BPD r/s is like no other breakup, so try to be kind to yourself and patient.  Detaching and healing is an individual thing and after putting so long into this, it must feel quite scary for you.  We understand and will walk with you on this journey.  You are not alone.

Keep reading and posting.  It can and does get better.  Many have walked this path before us and gone on to live emotionally healthier lives.

Love and light x   

[Arctic Fox]

hi Arctic Fox and

wow. thats nearly as long as ive been alive. this must be incredibly devastating and its no wonder that you are struggling and missing her.

youre not alone Arctic Fox. youve found a heck of a community who are here to support you and understand what you have been through, and we can tell you that it does get better.

how can we best support you at this time? are you seeing a therapist to help you process?

Hi,  I am so glad to have found a community of people who may understand what my life was like and how devastating my divorce has been.  I loved her for over half of my life, made excuses for her bad behavior, dismissed myself and my needs over and over again, nursed her for years once she was diagnosed with not 1, but two rare terminal illnesses, and watched her change herself into someone that would better fit into her new love’s life, several times.  She would literally became a new person... .changing her hair, her style of dress, her leisure time activities and her favorite foods.  I thought I was losing my mind so many times over the years with her mood swings, anger outbursts, jealousy, cheating, lies and general bad behaviors.  We worked hard to overcome her lies and cheating with counseling together and individually and in the end, I didn’t want to do it again.  So when I caught her in lies, I didn’t try to make things better.  I set clear boundaries and she left.  It felt really good to finally be done with putting myself aside but now I don’t even know who I am.  I allowed her to isolate me, keep me separate from my family and friends. 

I am racked with self doubt and guilt as well as grieving the loss of my home, my puppy, my ducks, our shared glass shop and the life that we built.  I also had a change of jobs during the last 6 months. 

My family just wants me to get over it but it isn’t that easy.  I have some very good days, even a few really good weeks but anniversaries keep sneaking up on me.  I signed out of facebook because they have those ‘memories’ and I just couldn’t face another reminder of the life that is gone.

[Arctic Fox]

29 years. My heart goes out to you. When did things start going bad for you, if I might ask?

I hope you are doing well and have a good support group.

Over half of my life and I feel so cheated right now. 

I fell for her when I was in my early 20’s.  We had a rollercoaster life, with so many crazy things happening that I just didn’t know how to leave her.  Our relationship followed the typical pattern with BPD and whenever I would suggest counseling either she would hate me or play her many years of therapy against me.  She knew how to say the right things and was very good at manipulating me.  I can see things so much clearer now but that doesn’t make it easy to accept that I played a big part in the messy life that we built.  She would tell me that I was her soul mate and she loved our life and minutes later be ranting and raving about how I didn’t love her enough.  My head was constantly spinning and I thought I was crazy for a very long time.  Every time I tried to leave, something horrific would happen, she was diagnosed with terminal illinesses, her dad died, her brother (also diagnosed with BPD) killed himself and through it all, I tried to be a good person and support her.  Lies, cheating, hiding money, isolating me from my friends and family.  I don’t know how to start letting people back into my life.  I keep everyone at a distance and feel like an observer of my life pretty much all of the time.  I don’t believe in myself but my family and colleagues tell me that I am a good person and things will get better. 

[hope2727]

Just a quick thought.

I became an obese adult. One day I couldn't stand it anymore. I looked in the mirror and two things happened. First I forgave myself. Second I realized that, short of using the vacuum and a bendy straw for home liposuction, this wasn't going to be resolved in the next 10 minutes.

So I made a conscious decision to give myself a minimum of ⅓ the time to lose the weight that I had taken to gain it. I didn't eat myself into obesity overnight and I wasn't going to leap into fitness in the next moment.

I take the same approach with my emotional recovery. It took me years to get so enmeshed in my relationship. It will take some time to extract myself. I got fat one bite at a time and I got thin one step at a time.

Be kind to yourself. You have a lot of knots of attachment to unite. Some are very tight and will  take some time. We are here for you while you work on them.