I can't seem to get a hold of myself

[TN_TX17]

Ok the situation is my BPDw is in a treatment center and getting help with her BPD. She has just got her diagnosis and I am having a real hard time with what the center is doing with her. I know it has to be hard and I am trying soo hard to be supportive but the social worker can't even seem to tell me any type of help with this. Anyway that's not the issue, the issue is me!  I can't seem to get a hold of myself when I am around her.

Background is that about a month ago I shared with my wife, while she was in the hospital, that I needed to go to the Hospital because my depression was getting to me and I was having thoughts of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. But never said anything about hurting myself or anything.  I have to say that I had never shared anything like that with anyone, not even my ex wife of 20 years. She was very concerned and I went in the hospital. Got out and the night I got out she left and said she needed space and rented an apartment 2 miles away. I cried for 3 weeks over it. But since then she has gone back into the hospital because she left too soon according to the hospital and I do agree with that to a point.

But since she has been in this time the treatment team seems to be using my hospitalization as an excuse to say that I can't be alone with my wife and have to have a chaperone when she is home with me. Their reasoning is that they can't evaluate my stability and if I get suicidal and she has an episode then there is no one there to help.

That is all good and well but I am feeling like I am the bad guy in this situation and betrayed by the treatment team for using this against me. Well she came home today and again I had to bring her dad with me. She started talking about staying with her mom and dad and being with the cats in her apartment and not a thing about staying or visiting with me. I started tearing up and she saw I was upset when we got to her apartment. I tried to play it off and remember that I just need to not take anything personally and she actually tried to comfort me.

I told her, in a raised tone and crying, that I was so scared to be emotional because then she will go back to the team and tell them I was upset and they will think I want to kill myself. Then the social worker will call and chastise me like she has in the past when my wife would get upset and talk about it to them. My wife then asked me to leave the apartment and told me it was a boundary that I had to respect. I asked her to please not throw me out and I will calm down and she said no not negotiable. Also that she resented the fact I said she was throwing me out. She was taking care of her self and her need to be calm and nonstressed right now.

I slinked out and said call me when you want me back.  She said she was going to take a nap and rest and I needed to do the same.  I made the comment while leaving, I am sorry for screwing this up and why do I always f*** this up with us like this. She got in her panic attack mode I could see and of course I feel like crap! 

All I wanted for this weekend was to make it good for her but I can't seem to get over the hurt of the situation and how these people are using something that I shared with my wife against me.  I am not suicidal at all, I am trying to use the techniques for dealing with her but I am having communication issues of my own.

Now I am at my house and not enjoying her company because my ego has been bruised and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I go to therapy myself but I am new also and I know I will make mistakes. But it is hard to not get down on myself for screwing up the one thing I wanted so bad. To just snuggle up on the couch with her and watch tv. She was willing to do it but I screwed it up by being an idiot and losing my ___!  I am hating myself for not being able to keep it together.

Thanks for any input on how I can work on this because until I get a handle on my emotions she is going to stay at her apartment and not come home.  I know she wants to because she tells me so all the time.  I don't take all the blame for her leaving because that was all her not me. But now I am losing it.

HELP

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

TN_TX17, I am so sorry you are going through this.  Please understand that there are many emotions in being the spouse of a pwBPD, and depression is one of them.

You are going through so much now, but the good news is that your W is now seeking treatment for her BPD.   This is extremely good news as many pwBPD never even consider there is a problem.

It is not an easy road being the caretaker of a pwBPD.  You may be hurt, angry and depressed. 

Moving to an apartment is not uncommon, and part of the push/pull dynamic of BPD.  They want closeness but push their spouses away.

Please continue with your own therapy, as well, as you are probably very overwhelmed.  Please try not to see yourself as "bruised" as it was not about you.  It was about hurt.  Many spouses of BPD take things to heart, but it is all about the BPD.  My uBPD/uNPD H can sometimes fly off the handed without provocation (bad day at work, xW troubles, erc.) and call me the most horrible names and throw things.  I have decided not to take it personally.

I hope this helps.  Take care of yourself.

[pearlsw]

Hi TN_TX17,

Very sorry to hear you having such a hard time! It all sounds very complicated and hard to keep a handle on, and not knowing what is going on is also painful. It reminds me a bit of when you are an airplane and they give you those emergency warnings. They say to put on your own oxygen before helping the person next to you. Painful as it, complicated as it is, this might be some good advice in your situation as well. Take care of yourself and your own stability first, then you will perhaps be able to be of assistance to your wife.

Wishing you the best at this difficult time!

[waverider]

It is very likely that your wife is projecting many of her perceived 'failures" onto you to the health team.  They are being oversold your problems and hence feel you are more troubled than you really are.

You are most likely being overwhelmed by anxiety and insecurities about how others perceive you, and in return how you perceive yourself.

Depression and complex post traumatic stress (CPTSD), are common in partners of people with personality disorders due to a background of fear of consequences and no visible light at the end of the tunnel

[TN_TX17]

Thanks for the input I appreciate that. Waverider I think you are correct about the insecurities I feel.  I always seem to feel like I am the bad guy when they restrict her from me. I have been with her in her darkest times since we met and my wife calls ME when she needs support because a traumatic event occurs.  Not the doctor or her parents, ME.

I have spoke to the social worker, who by the way I am not sure she knows what BPD does to the person with it, and she acts like my wife is just a person with depression or anxiety.  It is more than that by far!  I talked to the social worker about the day my wife moved out, 2 weeks after my wife went in the hospital, and the social worker thought I had yelled at her and peeled out of the driveway.  It wasn't what happened at all. 

I told the social worker she was getting one side of the story, the side she got was about how a pwBPD uses feelings = facts. My wife was scared and yelling at me and cussed at me and got out of the car.  I tried to calm her and it made it worse because I didn't know how to validate her feelings. Then tried to justify what happened and talk about it.

I told the social worker that the team was getting one side of the story and my BPDw skewed the facts to fit her feelings. They needed to hear the other side before they passed judgement on me. I said I didn't yell and scream at her I usually ended up crying because I am a very sensitive person and get my feeling hurt a lot more than I get my anger up and running.  I am just not built that way. I stuff my anger inward not outward and that is why I am depressed. This is not an excuse this is how I have been taught. Don't show anger, it hurts people and inappropriate, just shove it in and go about your merry way.

I have just come to the realization recently that I have serious abandonment issues of my own due to past trauma I have experienced.  I found out, after joking about all my life, from going to therapy for myself. It hurts to admit it but it steers the way I act in certain situations and I am working on it very hard.  I have found some triggers that can throw me into a tail spin in an instant and am learning CBT skills that will help with it. As most therapists will say "knowing the problem and admitting it is half the battle". I have it in spades and I am seeing now how what my BPDw does sometimes pushes every button I have. 

When this happens I go into defense mode and my anxiety goes through the roof and in comes the insecurity and abandonment!  But I am working on that part and learning to release that anxiety in other ways other then obsessing over it and getting ruminating thoughts and catastraphizing (sp?) the loss or abandonment of my wife. Because that is where my thoughts go when I am in that mode. Just like the other night when we got in the argument.

Thanks for input.

[pearlsw]

Hi TN_TX17,

Oh, these are such very important insights about yourself related to abandonment and trauma. It must be so hard that your pwBPD brings up such difficult issues you are working on. 

What are you finding so far helps you to feel less anxiety, insecurity and worry about abandonment?

Wishing you the best.

[waverider]

Many health workers, even those in the mental health field, may know of BPD and even be able to tell you the traits, however they dont have the inside experience of the all pervasive and insidiousness of it. Even if they are aware of the "two side to the story" aspect the magnitude of the distortions is not really grasped.

At times we even fool ourselves when we are not the subject of it. What they say to others about us they also say of others to us.

Be wary of the double BPD filter. eg your wife says distorted truths to someone else about you. So the other persons opinions and advice are skewed based on spurious facts (not their fault), your wife then repeats back to you a further distorted account of what the other person actually said, which is not what they said at all. The fluency with which this all happens bypasses even those who expect it.

How can you feel secure when you never truly deep down know anything to be the absolute truth? pwBPD never really have a good grasp on their own truth that is why they themselves are riddles with insecurities. pwBPD rely on their partners being secure and providing that solid foundation they dont have. Even though they are constantly undermining that foundation.

This is why step one is all about knowing your own truth, which is not the same as know all the facts and details. Otherwise there is nothing to build on and everything collapses in chaos

[TN_TX17]

Pearlsw I find that distracting myself with work seemed to help in the past, and it does.  Except the fact now is that I can forget it for a little while but as soon as I start I get those feelings right back.  I did it today.  I went to work, got whatever I needed to get done and when I got in the car, I started again.  But the difference is this time I started thinking about what I was really feeling deep inside. And I ended up coming to fear, abandonment, guilt, and loneliness. 

She made me leave the apartment last night because she hurt my feelings and I was sobbing while watching tv. She turned over and got angry when she saw me and got up from the couch and said she was sorry she couldn't be supportive to me now.  I told her she hurt my feelings and all I needed was for her to roll over give me a hug and say sorry.  Nothing too hard but instead she got madder and threw me out.

I do try to do mindfulness stuff and breathing deep breaths a lot. I walked around Home Depot huffing and puffing trying to get my anxiety in check. I could have ripped someone's head off, figuratively, if they had spoke to me.

I want so bad to be able to ignore her for a few days and see how she reacts but I can't seem to do that because I guess I don't like it when she does it to me. I think it has to be about my fears because I am afraid if I do it then she won't care and she will leave me. (See I told you I had abandonment issues)  But I really think that is childish and disrespectful of a persons feeling anyway, being angry is one thing but intentionally ignoring someone just to hurt them is wrong.  Just my opinion.

I want to wait and see how this therapy does, she is starting, and if she seems to calm down. But I am having a real hard time accepting the situation as it is, me here and her there.  I feel if she wants to be my wife then move home and let's deal with this through our individual therapies and learning to cope with the stresses of life together. She complains about money but she is renting an apartment when we have a very nice 2500sq.ft. house we built last year. That I now share with my dogs.

Even if she doesn't throw me out of the apartment I still go home and cry myself to sleep some nights because I can't seem to get a grip on the situation. I sure as heck don't think she gets upset, do to the doctors have her so doped up at night that she doesn't have enough time to get upset before it is "good night Irene" Haha. Anyway, we are suppose to go and do some stuff tomorrow and we will see how it works out. Thanks