Where to Start

[Wanttoheal87]

Honestly I have no idea how to begin to type this.  I guess I'll just try to sum it up as best as possible, even though I'm going to leave out a lot. I was with my ex for almost 8 years. Within the first week of us officially being a couple she was pregnant. We moved in together and during the pregnancy I was madly in love. There was no signs of what was to come. Shortly after my son was born things begin to change. She started drinking and going out late and then physically abusing me. Eventually I gave her the ultimatum that she had to stop drinking and she did. But things were still bad. The control and the manipulation was rampant. At the beginning of this year she started threatening suicide to the point where I actually called the police on her at her job because I was so concerned. I took her to get help after threatening to leave again. I told my myself I would ltry but at the end of May I broke it off and experienced the worst day of my entire life. I thought I was happy and I thought I had met someone else who would fill the void, but it was all an illusion. Immediately after she moved out I felt like I made a mistake. It's been 5 months and I'm a wreck. I have deep depression and anxiety and my body is deteriorating. I can't be physically intimate with another woman so that means I can't date... She wanted another kid and to get married (she basically said if I didn't marry her she would leave), and now the only thing I want is to get married and have another kid. I am barely functioning and I find nothing that makes me happy in this world. All I want is her back and she wants nothing to do with me. She started being very promiscuous soon after and now has a boyfriend, even though she denies it.  I've done interesive therapy but nothing helps. I want to believe I will be ok but I'm struggling so much.

[evanescent]

Wantoheal87, welcome to the board. You are among one of the best support forums going.

I'm not in a place to offer much advice myself at the moment, but do yourself a huge favor and pickup the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' if you have not already. The perspective it can provide on the condition of borderline personality and on those of us who care about them is absolutely priceless to understanding what is going on. It is an easy read with tons of perspective from BPs and NBPs alike.

[OLR1986]

I second the advice on reading “walking on eggshells”. Of you have not already, it will bring a lot of things to light.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I myself am also in a confusing spiral of a break-up with my ex and honestly all you can do is finding peace where you can find it. Personally researching and understanding BPD has been very insightful, I will warn you... The more you learn and understand BPD the more you will reflect on the last and how you could of handled things differently. Try not to get sucked back in, remind yourself that you are only responsible for your 50% of the relationship. This didn’t start when you were together, this is something that has been a part of her long before, there is only so much you can do.

You are in therapy and you are here in a community expressing your emotions and situation. You are on the right path, you will get through this.

[Wanttoheal87]

I actually found she had BPD a couple weeks after her going to the mental hospital in January. She never told me I just found the diagnosis on the floor in her car. I actually bought the book and was reading it while we were together I also bought her a book too. The feeling that I made a mistake by breaking it off is excruciating. At the time I thought I did all I could but now I question it.

[Fie]

Hello Wanttoheal  


I am sensing from your post how anxious and desperate you feel, so here is a big hug  

You are saying that you feel it might have been a mistake to leave her, even if you then knew you did all you could.

Am I correct when I assume that with your reason you know that it was the right thing to do, but your feelings are fighting with your brain ?

 It seems like some people move on more easily then others after a break up. I am one of those people who panick and don't seem to see light at the end of the tunnel. What helped me was reading 'the journey from abandonment to healing'. It talks about the reasons, also physical ones (like hormones) why we hurt so much after our loved one is gone. It helped me to feel less alone.
 I have also learned that I stayed in abusive relationships too long because of the way I was brought up. My mum is BPD, my dad NPD. Needless to say that my upbringing was not so stable, and love was not really there. As an adult I still confused drama with love. It took me a long time to realize that.

How would you say your upbringing was ?

Keep talking, you are not alone. A lot of members have been where you are now.

xx

[Wanttoheal87]

I had a great childhood. If anything my mom was a little overbearing which I think contributes to the anxiety I feel. The pain has just become unbearable. I've tried all kinds of things to cope but I'm running out of hope. When I talk to her now there is nothing there. Not even recognition that we were together for almost 8 years and weve only broken up for a couple months.
runni

[itgetsbetter94]

Dear Wanttoheal, if 87 is the year of the birth, than we are the same age.
I was with my ex BPD for only 2 months and got attached like never before.
I can't even imagine what 8 years can do in the presence of the pwBPD.
I'm also going to the therapy (for the first time in my life, due to this breakup!) and my doctor keeps telling me to be gentle with myself.
As I said, I understand the intense grief and misery and utter disbelief of what what has happened, even thougs our r/s was short lived.
Dark clouds are just starting to clear out for me. Factors that helped- time, psychotherapist, talking to friends and family, prayer, educating myself on the subject of cluster B. I'm coming to the place where feelings are starting to catch up to my rational mind and thought that this r/s wasn't good nor healthy for me, and that, in the long run, would resulted in me becoming mentally ill or committing suicide.
8 years + a child... .I sympathise, I do. But when you left her, that was your common sense speaking out of you and you know it, even though you felt (and feel) sorry later. Deep down, you do understand that the seperation is what had to be done and that you needed to save yourself. That is the core.
Be kind to yourself. You loved her for many years, but at one point you decided you loved yourself more- and that was the healthy, good decision!
That was your rational mind, which is your best friend in r/s like this.
It hurts like a bi*ch, I know. But it's really for the best in the long run.

[Fie]

Dear Wanttoheal87,

How are you feeling today ?

xx