Introduction: Mom has BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I never knew what exactly was wrong with my Mom, just knew she had mental health problems. The only time I ever dared suggest she get help there was a very ugly scene and then she disowned me for the umpteenth time and refused to talk to me. Until she did talk to me and acted like nothing had happened.

Things have recently gotten very complicated. Mom & Dad have been married for over 60 years. Dad was recently diagnosed with emphysema and pulmonary fibrosis. He is in poor condition and on oxygen round the clock. This has necessitated my parents moving into assisted living. My Dad had wanted to move into an apartment in the city years ago but my Mom had refused. My Mom had been relatively stable for the last few years but has completely fallen apart now. She has begun beating Dad. Yesterday, Dad ran into the hallway at the assisted living facility yelling that Mom was trying to kill him. They couldn't get his oxygen stabilized afterwards and so he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. My Dad was finally willing to tell the doctors there what was happening and that he didn't want to see Mom or go back and live with her any more. Mom ended up hospitalized over night because of her reaction and the fear of self-harm if she were left alone.

I don't know what the next few weeks, never mind months, might hold. But am grateful to have found this resource. Since the diagnosis has only happened in the last couple months I'm still trying to educate myself about the disease and make sense of my childhood and family with this new information.

Thanks for listening!

[julinva]

My mother has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I never knew what exactly was wrong with my Mom, just knew she had mental health problems. The only time I ever dared suggest she get help there was a very ugly scene and then she disowned me for the umpteenth time and refused to talk to me. Until she did talk to me and acted like nothing had happened.

Things have recently gotten very complicated. Mom & Dad have been married for over 60 years. Dad was recently diagnosed with emphysema and pulmonary fibrosis. He is in poor condition and on oxygen round the clock. This has necessitated my parents moving into assisted living. My Dad had wanted to move into an apartment in the city years ago but my Mom had refused. My Mom had been relatively stable for the last few years but has completely fallen apart now. She has begun beating Dad. Yesterday, Dad ran into the hallway at the assisted living facility yelling that Mom was trying to kill him. They couldn't get his oxygen stabilized afterwards and so he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. My Dad was finally willing to tell the doctors there what was happening and that he didn't want to see Mom or go back and live with her any more. Mom ended up hospitalized over night because of her reaction and the fear of self-harm if she were left alone.

I don't know what the next few weeks, never mind months, might hold. But am grateful to have found this resource. Since the diagnosis has only happened in the last couple months I'm still trying to educate myself about the disease and make sense of my childhood and family with this new information.

Thanks for listening!

[momisborderline]

Dear Julinva,
Wow, you are in the middle of a horribly upsetting situation. I really feel for you. I don't have any words of advice other than to keep learning more about this insidious mental illness of BPD. I have found a lot of comfort in talking with my therapist who really understands BPD. And this message board is very comforting.


 I know others can point you to good resources but a few in particular that are helping me alot are the books "Stop Walking on Eggshells", "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and I just started "Understanding the Borderline Mother" which in some ways is extremely hard to read but very very helpful. It goes into some detailed descriptions about the kinds of borderline personality types that mothers exhibit. There are 4 kinds and many mothers can switch back and forth between the 4 kinds. I won't go into a big description here but the 4 types are Queen, Witch, Hermit, Waif. For example, my 75 y/o Mom exhibits Queen/Witch characteristics and often Waif.

I just want to remind you to be good to yourself right now. I know having a BPD Mom and a really ill dad makes it hard to find time for yourself, but self-care is critical. I really feel for you and your dad, it's a horrifying experience. And believe it or not, I feel for your mom too. I've actually gone no contact with my mom these last 2 weeks, (she keeps sending nasty emails needing things/demanding things/insulting me that end up in my spam folder, but I'm ignoring them.) As upset, scared, guilty, and angry as she makes me, I feel sorry for her. But I am starting to realize that I am not responsible for her.

Your mom's violence toward your Dad is really upsetting. The more I read about this illness the more I see how common that is. I don't know if your mom was violent toward you (mine was) but unfortunately this is common and it has given me a lot of things to unpack/work through in therapy. Are you seeing a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD? If not, and if at all possible, I'd encourage you to do that.

Again, I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope things get sorted out, and in the meantime you can find some small measure of peace. Will you keep posting and let us know how you are doing?
take good care.

[Kwamina]

Hi julinva

I would like to join momisborderline in welcoming you to our online community. There is a lot going on with your parents right now. BPD is a difficult disorder but now that you know what your mother has, you can indeed start educating yourself about it. Will your mother be getting targeted treatment/therapy for her BPD now? What exactly led up to her finally getting diagnosed?

She has begun beating Dad. Yesterday, Dad ran into the hallway at the assisted living facility yelling that Mom was trying to kill him.

Where is your dad now and how is he doing? It is very concerning that your mother treats him this way. Does she have a history of physical violence towards your dad and/or other people?

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

Hi Juliniva-

I witnessed a similar experience with my parents. When my father's health started to fade, I urged them to move to a continuing care community that included assisted living. They were resistant to any place I suggested.

My father's health care providers assumed that he was being cared for at home by his sweet wife ( the front they kept up for decades- mother is normal was the family rule ), but that was not the case. I don't know if she was physically beating him, but there was verbal and emotional abuse, as well as neglect.

I expressed my concern to the health care team and my father got angry at me for saying things about my mother. I wanted him to get some help. My parents went through several home health workers, painting them black and firing them.

I called social services and they could not intervene unless my father chose to involve them as he was legally in sound mind.

I think it is great that your father reached out for help and was honest with his health care team about his situation. Because he is in assisted living, he will get the help he needs. When I think back now about how my parents refused assisted living and home health, I wonder if it was because they didn't want anyone to know what was going on with my mother.

My mother also appeared to be more stable up until my father got ill. However it may also be that they were better able to conceal and manage it. This is a situation that would stress any family, and so would naturally affect a dysfunctional family. My mother's BPD behavior escalated.

The drama triangle ( Karpman Triangle- resources on this board) is a helpful model to explain some of the behavior. My mother likely experienced feelings that would be normal for anyone in this situation: fear, discomfort- but with BPD she projected them. She was in victim position. To her, it was my father, or someone else- the home health worker, or her children, who were responsible for making her feel bad. If my father couldn't do the things he used to do- she perceived this as doing this to her on purpose. When someone is in victim mode - they lash out and can be abusive ( Persecutor). This doesn't excuse the behavior but helps explain it.

Take care of yourself. This is shocking. It is also hard to see your parent ill. I hope it gives you some peace of mind that both of your parents are receiving the care they need.

[Panda39]

Hi Julinva,

I'm sorry you are in the middle of all of the drama during what is already a stressful situation.  I want to echo momisboarderline and remind you to take care of yourself during all of this.

My thought is, because fear of abandonment is at the heart of BPD your father's health crisis . could be reminding your mom of his mortality.  Her fear of his death might be escalating her behaviors.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[momisborderline]

[quote author=

My thought is, because fear of abandonment is at the heart of BPD your father's health crisis . could be reminding your mom of his mortality.  Her fear of his death might be escalating her behaviors.

[/quote]
Hi Panda, i think you laid out the central issue very nicely -  at the heart of the borderline's illness is an all-encompassing fear of abandonment. Of course the irony with BPD's is that this fear leads them to engage in patterns of (abusive) behavior with their family and other intimates that often result in the very thing they fear the most -abandonment. I'm definitely angry with my unBPDm but am trying to have compassion for her knowing that her personality disorder and fear of abandonment drive these behaviors. Anyway just wanted to say I found your post to be a helpful reminder and I am just at the beginning of learning about this illness.

And Julinva, just know we are out here ready to support you. In my short time here, I've found this to be a very supportive environment and it helps me so much.

[julinva]

Thanks to everyone here for their support. It's been a crazy few weeks but am happy to have a few minutes to catch up here. Dad seems to get healthier and happier each day. Which feels both wonderful and weird. We expected that by now he'd have had second thoughts and want to go back. But he continues to say "I'm free!" to anyone he talks with about his experience. The only thing he seems to miss about my mother, at least for now, is some of her cooking.

My Mom is not doing well. Continues to say she wants to die, but follows that up with the statement that she would never kill herself. That has made it harder to get her help. She has isolated herself in her apartment. We've finally gotten her to make an appointment with a therapist this Thursday as long as one of us goes with her. My youngest sister will accompany her. I am not overly optimistic about the prospects for her being willing to continue with this long term. But at least it's a start. She's still taken no responsibility for any of her actions and her last text to me on the subject said it was my fault because I'd never told her it was illegal to hit my Dad.

I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life and it's been helpful. Between that and everything I learned in Al Anon many years ago, it's helping. Still a very tough time. So grateful for my amazing siblings.

I'm very grateful for your messages of support and encouragement. I know I'll need it along the way!

[Kwamina]

Hi Julinva

But he continues to say "I'm free!" to anyone he talks with about his experience.

How is your dad doing now? Is he still enjoying his new found freedom? I can imagine that this whole experience, though liberating, might also be bittersweet for him.

We've finally gotten her to make an appointment with a therapist this Thursday as long as one of us goes with her. My youngest sister will accompany her.

Did your mother follow through and go see that therapist? Is she still getting therapy?

You are also seeing a therapist yourself now. I am glad this has been helpful for you