Jealousy and bitterness

[Depression = 72% of members]

This may sound immature, and probably is, but I want to get this thing of my chest.
Last evening, I found out that my ex will be getting the Deans' Award for academic achievements. On that occasion, there would also be present his ex girlfriend (he was with her for a year, about 4 years ago, and now hates her. I heard a lot about her for him, basically, he blames her for everything). She would be also getting an award, and her mentor was the professor that my ex also had a fing with. Very bizarre situation. And his female friend that he also had a fling with would be getting a goddamn award.
I imagine him, being in that room with them, like a Casanova. Having at least 3 women whom he was entangled with, it the same room. Him getting the bloody award. Him having a new fiance in a matter of weeks after our breakup. Him having ruined my life and previous relationship with the man that actually loved me and which I hurt because of him.

Here I am, heartbroken, lonely, played, disappointed, devastated, and he's concurring the world. Getting the deans' award, being engaged, having bunch of colleagues that love him and think so highly of him... .

I imagine... .they will applaud him, shake his hand, take pictures of him, make him feel appreciated... .while my life is in ruins and all I feel is bitterness and rage.

There is no justice. Those people don't know what kind of a person he is. How he destroys people who love him. How he jumps from one victim to the next. How he plays this righteous, religious, helpful straight A student, an awesome friend and a confidant.

I won't ever get vindicated, I know. I just hope the Universe is watching.

[itgetsbetter94]

This may sound immature, and probably is, but I want to get this thing of my chest.
Last evening, I found out that my ex will be getting the Deans' Award for academic achievements. On that occasion, there would also be present his ex girlfriend (he was with her for a year, about 4 years ago, and now hates her. I heard a lot about her for him, basically, he blames her for everything). She would be also getting an award, and her mentor was the professor that my ex also had a fing with. Very bizarre situation. And his female friend that he also had a fling with would be getting a goddamn award.
I imagine him, being in that room with them, like a Casanova. Having at least 3 women whom he was entangled with, it the same room. Him getting the bloody award. Him having a new fiance in a matter of weeks after our breakup. Him having ruined my life and previous relationship with the man that actually loved me and which I hurt because of him.

Here I am, heartbroken, lonely, played, disappointed, devastated, and he's concurring the world. Getting the deans' award, being engaged, having bunch of colleagues that love him and think so highly of him... .

I imagine... .they will applaud him, shake his hand, take pictures of him, make him feel appreciated... .while my life is in ruins and all I feel is bitterness and rage.

There is no justice. Those people don't know what kind of a person he is. How he destroys people who love him. How he jumps from one victim to the next. How he plays this righteous, religious, helpful straight A student, an awesome friend and a confidant.

I won't ever get vindicated, I know. I just hope the Universe is watching.

[Mutt]

itgetsbetter94,  

Here I am, heartbroken, lonely, played, disappointed, devastated, and he's concurring the world. Getting the deans' award, being engaged, having bunch of colleagues that love him and think so highly of him... .

Thanks for sharing that it getsbetter94, I agree it's not fair, you have a right to feel the way that you do. I read the post and it sounds like a really complicated situation, I was thinking about your ex and how it would be like on the podium for him, sure on the outside everything looks good for now, but it's just a facade. Wouldn't you be worried that things would get out from one of the three people that you had a r/s with?

I know that it doesn't look bright now in this moment, life has it's ups and downs, it's not always up, up, up and it's not always down, down, down. For now it's unfortunate for you that you have to got through this , he may be down one day and you're up.


The difference between you and your ex is that you can rebuild, you can build a strong foundation with boundaries, learn more about  r/s and how you interact with others and what you need from a r/s moving forward, you can build the best version of yourself.

You can't say that about your ex, he wears a mask because he doesn't have a sense of self, he has deep seeded fears of abandonment, rejection, that he may not see that impact all of his r/s's and has many broken r/s's.

I imagine him, being in that room with them, like a Casanova. Having at least 3 women whom he was entangled with, it the same room.

I don't think that he looks like a Casanova, i think it looks dysfunctional.
 

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you, Mutt. I know, in the long run, that my future maybe seems brighter than his, but at this point, all odds are at his favour.
It puzzles, how can someone so intelligent, so charming, eloquent, well read and educated have such a poor sense of self and this insatiable need to harm people. I know he can feel sympathy.  I remember him telling me he had a breakdown after watching 500 days of Summer. Can can he have compassion for a movie character, but not care about causing harm to real people in his life?
The more I learn about this godawful disorder from hell, the more confused I am. This is absolutely, by far, the worst possible condition your loved one could have!

I do believe he would be triggered by his ex. I even think he might not come because of her, but I doubt his narcissistic side would miss an such an occasion.

I sincerely hope he would move to his new girlfriend. That way we would never ever meet again.

And for myself, I want to get out of this funk. The price for loving someone was too high.

I wonder would I ever be able to love someone again. At this point, it seems impossible.

[Mutt]

Can can he have compassion for a movie character, but not care about causing harm to real people in his life?

One is a fictitious character where he doesn't have to pause and reflect, he doesn't have this capacity due to the disorder, there's no emotional attachment with a character from a film, there are no repercussions that would trigger guiltyand shameful feelings. A pwBPD will avoid loved ones that they hurt because it is a reminder of how dysfunctional and broken they are.

I wonder would I ever be able to love someone again. At this point, it seems impossible.

Not everyone is going to treat you like your ex, you have a lot to offer to someone, you have a right to be happy, I'm sure that you'll make someone very happy and someone will make you very happy as well, the difference is you're going to go into it with experience and knowledge to be able to spot someone that is toxic or not and have boundaries that protect you against bad behaviors.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey itgetsbetter, I agree w/Mutt: you're in a better position than you may think.  For one thing, you don't suffer from BPD.  Those that do, like your Ex, are experts at snowing people, because no one knows what they are really like behind closed doors, in a close r/s.  My Ex is a gregarious person who was known as the unofficial "mayor" of our small town.  She was great at shmoozing neighbors, who were unaware of what she was really like: violent, abusive, unkind and in a constant state of inner turmoil.  So I suggest that you be grateful that you are out of that r/s with your Ex, because there's someone better for you out there.  I should know; after getting divorced from my BPDxW, I'm now in a supportive r/s with a kind and considerate SO.

LuckyJim

[itgetsbetter94]

Mutt and Lucky Jim, thank you for putting the things in the perspective.  
You're right.
On top of this lingering pain I felt for him, I felt envy, jealousy, anger... .I'm doing all of this hard inner work, reflecting, reading about the nature of disorder, participating on this forum, watching youtube videos, trying to heal and repair and rebuild my life from the scratch, and he just went on on his merry way, as if nothing has happened.

I know most, if not all, what he does is a mask, a facade.  I remember his confessions when we were close and very intimate in conversation- he told me how much he hates himself, how empty he feels, how he works, studies, and does 100% just to show himself and the others that he has some value as a person. Under all this shiny glaze, there is a rotten core, and he knows it and I know it. No amount of my (and anybody else's) love, positive words and feedback, bathing in love, admiration, affection, praise, compassion and understanding could fill that empty hole. If he was able to just let go of his issues, listen to my words, let them sink in, he would be the happiest man in the world, I would have treated him like a king. I told him on numerous occasion- "get out of your head, the way you think about yourself is subjective and wrong, you have a distorted perception of yourself. Listen to me, trust me, as an objective outsider, who sees you as you really are".

But they are absolute slaves to their disorder. Even his mother told me "he wants more than anything to find love, and when that happens, something inside of him breaks". And he himself acknowledged that.

Lucky Jim, I'm glad there is a hope. I'm happy for you that you found love after everything you went through, I also don't want to shut myself from the possibility of love one day. Just, I know it's too soon. Unlike him, I need this healing, cleansing, self reflective quiet period to put everything in order.
I can't just go, find somebody else and plan marriage with them... .unlike his,      my feelings weren't shallow, immature and prepubescent, but real and strong and it takes some time to minimise the intensity of them. That's how nons operate, I guess, and what makes the difference between them and us.

I hope that this pain will mold me into a warrior and an overall stronger, better person. I hope it will help me cultivate empathy even more.
I don't want to became a shell of a woman, frightened creature that is scared of others and opening up to them.

Maybe all of this would have sense one days and would really serve a better purpose, even though it doesn't seem that way at the moment.

[Mutt]

Hi itgetsbetter94,

I don't want to became a shell of a woman, frightened creature that is scared of others and opening up to them.

I understand how you don’t want to put walls up and close yourself off to people. In simple terms boundaries keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out, pull the good people in your life that treat you with respect and love you closer and put more boundaries on the ones that treat you badly.

[itgetsbetter94]

Well said, Mutt. At this point, I'm sort of a hermit, first I have to meet that good new people. But at least I hope I'd be able to recognize toxic ones in time.