How to get her help

[wind4me]

Hi,

I’m trying to save a marriage and would be interested in hearing about others attempts (successful and not) at getting their spouse into treatment.  What’s worked, what hasn’t.  She knows there’s an issue from past hospitalization due to a suicide attempt – just need a way to break through.

Thanks,
Wind4me

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hazedandconfused]

This hasn't worked me personally yet, but if she is resistant to the idea of help, a friend said to make an appointment with a therapist at a time you know she can make.

Say you will be there and you would like her to join you.  That way she doesn't have to make the appointment or figure out the time - she just has to show up. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi wind4me,

,

I'm sorry that you're struggling in your marriage.

I have not been able to get my H into treatment although he is slowly becoming more open to it. In the past I tried ultimatums. And that did not go over well.

What seems to have gotten us closer is waiting until my H is starting to spiral down. He gets to a point where he feels like his life is so out of control and something has to be done. As I listen and support him during these times, I gently begin to mention going to talk to someone about it. Reminding him that it's ok to need help. I tell him stories of how T helped me. Last time he was like this he agreed to go get help. While waiting for someone to get me the # of a group DBT T, he changed his mind.

Is your W diagnosed? 

[wind4me]

Hi,

She has not (not that I know of).  In her mid-twenties she attempted suicide after a boyfriend left her and was hospitalized for physiological treatment.  My assumption was that she was diagnosed during that stay with some type of condition.  Upon her release and through the years prior to our relationship she was taking medications (depression, anxiety, and insomnia) which were being prescribed from her Dr.  My observations of her behavior during our relationship and marriage would have me believing that she suffers from some form of BPD.   

[wind4me]

Just wanted to pass along an update

I just found out that my wife has been seeing a counselor.  One that specializes in Dialectical behavior therapy and Cognitive behavioral therapy.  This seems like a big step on her part but also seems to indicate that she was diagnosed with BPD or an illness in close proximity at some point.  After checking in on the clinic this particular counselor is the only one that specializes in the therapies.  This seems like a good sign to me – Am I missing something? 

[polaris9]

I think this is a great sign as CBT and DBT are the two types of therapies that are most recommended for pwBPD.  Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Tattered Heart]

That's awesome. DBT is the usual therapy for someone with BPD. So did she set up this counseling on her own? How did you find out she is in counseling?

[wind4me]

Back when I found out about the adultery/cheating she said we needed to go to marriage counseling.  As our State is a “fault” State and adultery carries weight in the divorce process I consulted with an attorney who advised against it as it could be seen as condoning behavior on my part.  After the initial shock of the affair(s) I began to try and understand the behavior and through this extremely enlightening process I stumbled onto BPD.  My assumption was that either she did go to marriage counseling or she never followed through with it but after reviewing my medical claims online today I found she has been going.  I did a quick review of the counselors in the office she visits and hers  is the only one that specializes in CBT and DBT.  For the last two weeks she’s been going twice a week (up from once a week) and has resumed taking meds for sleep deprivation on top of her depression and anxiety meds.  At any rate we’re 8 days without an emotional or anger outbreak. 

[Tattered Heart]

That's awesome. Now that things have begun to settle, this could be a great opportunity for you to start working on your end of things too. The combo between your self improvement and her DBT could really help you guys begin to communicate.

We have a lot of really good lessons on the right side of the page. Is there a particular issue that you seem to have a hard time in how you react to her?

Also, keep posting even though things seem to be quieting down. It's in the quiet times that you can really begin to learn the skills better.

[wind4me]

There’s really not just one thing that I have difficulties communicating with her.  It’s anything that has to do with communicating that there’s an issue with her behavior, drinking, or complete lack of empathy towards others.  As long as you ignore the issues she is fine.  If you just walk away from outbreaks of rage and tell her you’re not having this type of conversation she’ll eventually cool off but the circle is never ending.  She does well with the kids when there’s a plan in place, their ready to go, and it’s an activity that requires just showing up.  When she’s in a normal home setting and the kids are being kids (1 and 2 year old’s) she struggles.

I am elated that she sought help from someone that seems to have the right background but I’m concerned that nothing will change.  Just last night, after walking through our neighborhood trick or treating with our kids, she went out drinking right after we got home.  The “I’m going out” move and off she went.  Although we’ve gone through a week of no outbreaks her other behavioral traits are all still clinging on. 

[Tattered Heart]

I'm reading a book called 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages . Even though this book is geared towards women, the topics she covers are 100% the tools we teach here.

In dealing with addictions, Boundaries are important. In this book you can just easily replace the word "husband" for "wife" and "him" for "her". When you determine the answers to these questions, then you are starting the path to reclaiming your boundaries. Notice that none of these decisions have to do with changing her behavior. They have to do with you looking at your own values. The author says:

When your husband's addiction renders him unable to make wise decisions for the family, you will have to decide:

• Will you allow drugs or alcohol in your house?
• Will you allow your children to be in your husband's presence when he's under the influence?
• Will you bail him out of jail if he's arrested?
• Will you interact with him when he's not sober?
• Will you or the children ride i the ar with him at the wheel when he's under the influence of alcohol or drugs?
• Will you refuse to give him the car keys when he's drinking or using drugs?
• Will you buy alcohol or drugs for him?
• Will you drink or abuse drugs with him or go to parties and bars?
• Will you leave him behind and see yourself home when he gets too intoxicated in a social setting?
• Will you have sex with him when he's under the influence?
• Will you call his boss and make excuses when he can't go to work?
• Will you make excuses to family and friends when he's unable to attend functions?
• Will you require him to get treatment? What and how much?

[wind4me]

Just wanted to pass along an update - My wife has agreed to all of my requests and boundaries.  She basically said she'd do anything to try and save the marriage.  I know this is just the starting point and there's a significant amount of work ahead but I firmly believe she hit bottom and is willing to at least try a recovery attempt.  I do believe her ongoing therapy and meds are playing a role in this and I'm hopeful that enhancing these efforts will show continued positive results.