I am surprised the so many pwBPD find new relationships

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am in the process of splitting up with my wife and we are not young anymore - I am 52 and she is 47 and we have been married for over 23 years.  But I would be absolutely shocked if she found someone else - I asked my lawyer what happens with alimony, etc if she finds someone else and the lawyer said "Are you kidding, she will never find someone else" and I am 99% sure that this will be the case.  She is mid-high functioning but she has alienated pretty much everyone in her life.  She didn't exhibit symptoms of BPD until about 4-5 years ago although she did exhibit paranoia and a few other mental health symptoms around 9 years ago.

I know that pwBPD can be charming and really affectionate and loving until the bad side comes out, but reading the stories in this forum I am shocked at how many folks post something like "my exBPD is now going out with... ."

Can anyone explain it?  Maybe they are very young and attractive and their new partners overlook the shortcomings.  But from many of the stories that I have heard, and from my personal experience, I don't know how they could find a new intimate relationship.

[polaris9]

I am in the process of splitting up with my wife and we are not young anymore - I am 52 and she is 47 and we have been married for over 23 years.  But I would be absolutely shocked if she found someone else - I asked my lawyer what happens with alimony, etc if she finds someone else and the lawyer said "Are you kidding, she will never find someone else" and I am 99% sure that this will be the case.  She is mid-high functioning but she has alienated pretty much everyone in her life.  She didn't exhibit symptoms of BPD until about 4-5 years ago although she did exhibit paranoia and a few other mental health symptoms around 9 years ago.

I know that pwBPD can be charming and really affectionate and loving until the bad side comes out, but reading the stories in this forum I am shocked at how many folks post something like "my exBPD is now going out with... ."

Can anyone explain it?  Maybe they are very young and attractive and their new partners overlook the shortcomings.  But from many of the stories that I have heard, and from my personal experience, I don't know how they could find a new intimate relationship.

[once removed]

she found you. presumably you found her attractive and things about her drew you to her. why wouldnt this be the case for someone else?

[SuperJew82]

pwBPD can easily jump into new relationships - even though she might have seen you in a different light for some time now, when she is out looking for another source for her emotional supply they can turn into a whole other person overnight.

I have a really good friend who divorced his BPD-wife last year. She was horrible with him and was a neglectful parent. She meets this new guy 2 weeks after their separation and I'm watching in disbelief as this completely different person is presented as she tries to win over her new interest.

[polaris9]

she found you. presumably you found her attractive and things about her drew you to her. why wouldnt this be the case for someone else?

But that was almost 30 years ago and back then she did not have mental health issues - these have been developed in recent years.  This isn't just my opinion - her brother and sister feel the same way.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey polaris, For one thing, those w/BPD are good at covering up their symptoms and, on the outside, can appear charming and fun-loving.  My BPDxW sure did and maybe your soon-to-be Ex did, too.  For another thing, those w/BPD have an enormous fear of abandonment, which tends to cause them to form new attachments easily.  So it doesn't surprise me how quickly some move on.

LuckyJim

[SuperJew82]

Yes, they are notorious for not being able to be single or alone. Most have issues with their core-self and just don't know what to do when they are on their own. Every person is different, but when I had to go out of the country for a week or so on business, mine would drop her kid off at daycare and sleep all day long - until she couldn't do it anymore and eventually would cheat on me.

I am surprised about it taking so long to reveal itself. From what I understand, BPD usually does not present itself like that.  (Correct me if I'm wrong - site gurus)

[GlennT]

 Whenever I hear of long-term relationships such as yours, where a partner exhibits BPD like symptoms years later, I think there should be a CAT scan or MRI performed before you conclude it is BPD. There may be another disease that can be cured, happening inside their brain.

 I have been privately researching (you may call it spying) 2 people diagnosed with BPD for nine years. Their pursuit of a lover/victim is relentless. It amazes me how they can keep up such a believable love/act for so long, until their victim, and them, are completely enmeshed inside their bubble.  Then I see the victim willing to do anything for the BPD because they are soo loved and in love. It is so predictable, that it has been highly therapeutic for my own healing to observe. Then the BPD love bombs taper off and their personality gradually shape-shifts more into what is going to be expected of their victim/partner. This all is really something to observe  happening, it's almost like clock-work. After their cold and cruel abandonment, they always put the blame on their stunned victim. Their pathological paranoid abandonment issues must leave the victim they loved so much first, before they are. Believe me, they keep all their victims in a row on a shelf, just to be sure. Many  call victims years later, to be sure. Even when you have moved on to a better relationship, they will still think you are theirs/victim and become jealous.

[polaris9]

Whenever I hear of long-term relationships such as yours, where a partner exhibits BPD like symptoms years later, I think there should be a CAT scan or MRI performed before you conclude it is BPD. There may be another disease that can be cured, happening inside their brain.

In many ways I hope that is the case.  I first met my uBPDw about 28 years ago when she was 19.  We got married five years later, in 1994.  She always had a bit of a temper but it was never that bad, but she did seem to hold a grudge over certain things.  Looking back her mother (who passed away about a decade ago) had similar behavioural issues and there seems to be a history of mental health issues in the family, although there aren't many relatives as it is a small family.

We had our first child in 2002 - a daughter.  When she was around 1.5 we noticed that she wasn't progressing properly.  Around age 2 she was diagnosed with a neurological disorder in the Austism spectrum.  My wife started to try to understand all that she could around this disorder and we gave large donations to a local hospital to fund research.  My wife started working in a lab at this hospital on a volunteer basis and she really became somewhat of an expert on this condition.  But around this time her behaviour started to change.  She started to have a relationship with the doctor/researcher who ran the lab.  I don't know exactly what happened and whether it was a romantic relationship but after a while it soured.  She became very hostile towards him.  She also started to exhibit paranoia - thinking that the medical profession was monitoring her visits to the family doctor and that people were following her etc.  This was around 2007-10 and after a while it subsided.  

Around 2013-4 she started to exhibit more of the BPD symptoms like unregulated anger.  And when ever she got in a disagreement with someone she would instantly take the extremely aggressive router - threatening to sue, hiring a lawyer, etc.  And she started to become verbally and physically violent towards me.  She was self-employed on a part-time basis but she stopped doing any significant work and stopped earning any revenue.  She did have some temporary positions but she left these after disagreements with bosses/co-workers.  Around this time she started to drink a lot - we used to enjoy wine with dinner every night, but she went beyond 1-2 glasses of wine and started to empty out our liquor cabinet - which had stuff that we had bought over a decade ago.  Around 2014 I stopped drinking, at least at home, and encouraged her to do so which she did not.  Things have basically spiraled downwards from that time.  She no longer has many relationships with anyone - including her siblings that are her closest relatives.  She rarely talks to them and 99.9% of the time she will not respond when they phone, text or email.  

Despite having no time for her closest relatives she will become very obsessive about certain issues.  She has a cousin who has mental-health and/or substance issues and she has been obsessed with helping him - she has spent hundreds of hours doing so over the last few years.  She is also obsessed with helping a certain charity in Northern Canada that she only has a loose affiliation with.  And she will purchase exorbitant gives for her nephews, like buying them new cell-phones.

I am wondering if the stress of having a disabled child was what really triggered the mental health issues?

edit - By the way I have discussed this in-depth with our family doctor and he does not think she has any physical issues.  He thinks that she is bipolar.  And when she had a full-on physical at a private clinic during her paranoid phase they recommended that she go to the emergency department of the local mental hospital - which she refused.

[MeandThee29]

I'm not young either. I'm still working and plan to continue for another decade or more, but my husband retired early for medical reasons.

He's talked about finding a "better" woman multiple times since we separated even if it was a one-night-stand, so I have to conclude that he may be on the prowl. I can't imagine a new love dealing with the BPD and his host of medical issues for any length of time. He was a teacher in our church some years back, and he's seemingly throwing that off as well.

Personally, I have a lot of healing and other pursuits to keep me busy. My therapist says that's actually VERY healthy.

[Turkish]

pwBPD can easily jump into new relationships... .

As could anybody,  even us,  yes?

[troisette]

Hi Polaris

When I read that your lawyer had assured you that your soon to be ex would never find anyone else my antenna was alerted. I don't know the details of your wife's behaviour but if a lawyer told me that I would take it with a pinch of salt, BPD or not. It's my view that no one is qualified to make such a definitive assertion.

I smiled at your comment about not being young any more. You probably don't feel it, we never do with each passing decade.

I am 67 and my exBPD is 69, both boomers with that attitude to life. Apart from a brief recycle, we've been apart for two and a half years. In that time I have received not inconsiderable male attention, from men of my own age. Amazed yet? As you can imagine, post a BPD relationship I take things slowly and carefully and, so far, have not entered into another relationship although I have been asked.

While we were no contact for two years, my ex had a brief relationship with another woman. He also increased his circle of female orbiters by about half a dozen although I don't think these are sexual relationships - although one or two might be. He's expert, like the lady in the circus, at keep all his plates spinning.

I would not underestimate a BPD's ability to attract, especially if they have narcissistic traits as well.

[polaris9]

Hi Polaris

When I read that your lawyer had assured you that your soon to be ex would never find anyone else my antenna was alerted. I don't know the details of your wife's behaviour but if a lawyer told me that I would take it with a pinch of salt, BPD or not. It's my view that no one is qualified to make such a definitive assertion.

I smiled at your comment about not being young any more. You probably don't feel it, we never do with each passing decade.

I am 67 and my exBPD is 69, both boomers with that attitude to life. Apart from a brief recycle, we've been apart for two and a half years. In that time I have received not inconsiderable male attention, from men of my own age. Amazed yet? As you can imagine, post a BPD relationship I take things slowly and carefully and, so far, have not entered into another relationship although I have been asked.

While we were no contact for two years, my ex had a brief relationship with another woman. He also increased his circle of female orbiters by about half a dozen although I don't think these are sexual relationships - although one or two might be. He's expert, like the lady in the circus, at keep all his plates spinning.

I would not underestimate a BPD's ability to attract, especially if they have narcissistic traits as well.

I am taking what the lawyer says with a pinch of salt, but that was my own feeling as well.  In fact, I am very worried that her mental health and alcohol abuse will worsen.  She has alienated almost everyone in her life and I don't see how that wouldn't happen with anyone she started seeing in a romantic capacity.  She has really gone downhill in recent years which is why I say I doubt that she will find someone else.  She was a teenager when we met and was a very different person, as we all are.  But this is obvious to almost everyone who has known her for long periods of time.