daughter in law with BPD traits

[maman]

I found out about 3 weeks ago that my daughter in law had been threatening suicide many times, that she had threatened to kill my son with a knife in hand.  He has felt trapped since February and is now separated and wants a legal separation.  She doesn't know this yet, she thinks he just wants some space.  They have had no contact for 2 weeks, now he's trying to figure out how to break the news to her that it's over.

[Struggles]

Hi Maman,

I'm so sorry to hear about this.  That is a very scary situation.  Because she has threatened herself and now your son has he considered possibly going through the courts to get her some help?  Usually when they are a threat to themselves or others he may can do that. 

But, if he is just looking to cut ties all together I understand if that's something he might not want to do.  Has he also possibly considered a restraining order?  Not sure how this works with a husband and wife. 

With a personal that has BPD their fear of abandonment can be so great that it makes them lash out even more.  Maybe he might consider having someone with him when he tells her?

Im sure more people will come along with suggestions and similar stories.  Sending lots of hope of peace and resolution your way! 

[maman]

Thank you for your insight.  I think my son will only call her, he wants no direct contact.  I've been advised by a counselor who has treated BPDs for 30 years to have no direct contact.  I think both of her parents also have BPD.  They are in denial that she has anything wrong with her.  Her father actually said " She doesn't mean what she says,you know women never say what they mean, she's too much of a coward to kill herself."

[Struggles]

I would agree that no direct contact would be the best thing. 

I have heard that BPD can be passed down.  That had to be hard to hear her dad say that about her being too much of a coward to kill herself.  It definitely sounds like he could have BPD traits.  I don't think that's something most people would take so lightly, especially given it is his daughter.

I hope that your son and you are finding more peace now that you aren't directly in contact. 

Praying for y'all and hoping everything gets better!

[maman]

Hello again.  We have't had contact with the daughter in law for about 7 weeks, so things have been peaceful.  My son and I went to see a family attorney a week ago and she strongly recommended a separation agreement, so that he would be protected legally and financially. However,  he's having a hard time  deciding on what to do.  I was rather surprised by this, I thought he would want to put things in order.  He says it feels surreal, and months ago he dreamed of this day, but now it's hard to pull the trigger.  I'm trying not push him, though the decision seems obvious to me.  Any advice on how to help my son through this process ?

[Panda39]

Hi Maman,

Just wanted to pop in and suggest you post on the Legal Board, the members have gone through and are going through what your son is dealing with.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

However,  he's having a hard time  deciding on what to do.  I was rather surprised by this, I thought he would want to put things in order.  He says it feels surreal, and months ago he dreamed of this day, but now it's hard to pull the trigger.

Sometimes it takes the heart time to catch up to the head.  This can also be FOG... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Fear that she will hurt herself, Obligation to his marriage commitment, or Guilt that he couldn't help her... .or any number of things.

Don't push him just let him talk it out and think it through, just be there for him.  It took me 3 aborted attempts at divorce before I was really ready and did it.

Panda39