My son haS BP, BPD, AND ADDICTION

[StepfordMom]

Hello,

My son has BP, BPD and addiction diagnoses.  I knew when he was little that there was something seriously wrong.  He’s 37 now.  In the 1980s most mental health professionals treated me like I was a bad mother because I believed there was something wrong him.  I kept sharing about my sister who he seemed to be like who was in and out of mental hospitals.

Anyway, now he is 37.  I know my sister also has bp and BPD, and my son’s father has bp.  He’s always been so angry and so destructive.  Growing up my house was a war zone.  He was a thief, a drug user, and mean as sin. The slightest thing sets him off.  No matter what I say he always goes to what a horrible mother I’ve been.  He criticizes everything I do.

Even when he was little he would try to order me around.  As he got older and bigger he got more and more abusive.  The more abusive he became the more keyed up and angrier I got.

Anyway, he came over tonight and his complaining was about something he was clearly wrong about.  I told him I thought he was wrong because I really can’t stand him blaming everyone else when he’s wrong.

So once again, I’m evil. I’m a terrible mother and a new one, I’m lazy.

My moniker is Stepford Mom.  I’ve been working for 49 years.  I have four degrees.  I have been teaching for 34 years.  I am a tenured professor who won the Distinguished Faculty Award last year.  For almost 25 years, I like most women, put my husband’s and children’s needs ahead of my own.  I basically worked two full time jobs.  I was there for every game, activity, play, concert, and event.  I worked harder at parenting than anything else in my life and I get mostly abuse from my older son.  I only recently learned about the BPD.  When he was younger, they diagnosed Narcissim, bp and substance abuse.

I need people to talk to.

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mamadukes]

Welcome to these boards, StepfordMom. I logged in just now because I wanted to find others who are dealing with BPD plus addiction. My BPson27 was diagnosed in January. He got some good BPD treatment for a couple of months which has fizzled out. His drug use ramped up with a vengeance a couple of months ago when I was away for 5 days. He has just started a new recovery program, so we'll see how that goes.

I sure can relate to the "bad mothering" accusations you endure from your son. Do you find that he talks that way more when he's drinking/high? My son can be very civilized when he is not using/drinking or having a BPD crisis. But he often goes off into his litany of woes when he drinks. Much of it comes across as drunken whining and seems unfair, unjustified, overblown, sometimes just incorrect, and over-dramatized. But I know that at these times he is revealing pain that is very real for him. I'm very very familiar with how those "conversations" go, and what his list of woes is. I have learned over the years that (of course) it's better not to engage when he is drunk; that's never a happy ending. Sometimes I do listen, and in my better moments I look for the kernels of truth, and sources of pain.

I too "need people to talk to." I would love to hear other people's experiences with BPD plus addiction. What strategies have worked, what has not worked. Treatment scenarios. He was in a decent program for BPD but had an unfortunate episode with his individual therapist and he ended up leaving that program. Someone there recommended that he focus on getting sober first in order for BPD treatment to be effective, but that seems like such a catch-22. The drug use is self-medication, his escape from the pain. How does he get sober without simultaneous treatment for BPD?  He may be headed for in-patient rehab, but we have some qualms about how that will go with BPD. I can imagine a great rehab program that would be sensitive to his mental health problems... .but can we really find (an affordable) setting that will be that good?

I look forward to hearing anyone's thoughts about BPD plus addiction. Thanks.

[SeaShells#2]

I am new as well.  My situation is different but I wanted you to know that I read your post and hope that you get some clarity soon to bring you peace.   I have no answers, but I do have compassion.   I wish  you and your son well... .

[HockeyDad10]

I am also in this same place - BPD and addiction (and a few other diagnoses). The roller coaster ride has been going on for years. Each time I think my son has recognized the evil in his addiction - it roars back. Then it is back to treatment (inpatient, IOP, 12 step) ... .he becomes a new person once he is clean. His BPD is still present but he is more self-aware and able to engage with some level of humility. His explosions and anger still occur but the length and levels are reduced. I just wish there was a button I could press to switch off his addiction.

[Her little Sis]

That is a familiar Story.  My son is now 26 yrs. old.  I had him to a psychiatrist, the same one for about 6 years because he was the only one in town who would take our insurance.  I didn't care much for his practices but I didn't know what else to do.  My youngest son is very level headed and I was told that if it weren't for him, the school would question my parenting.   Let them question or assume or believe what they will is the stance I will take with that.  My big sister is BPD and her life is spinning out of control.  I have always been the main target of her rage because she remembers after I was born, her fears of being abandoned emerged.  So we walked on the eggshells then and I end up walking on the same shells with my son.  I kicked him out of the house about 3 years ago. He was afraid of failing so he never got a Drivers license. I picked him up from work one night after I got out of work late and it was snowing and cold.  They were closing down the building so he had to wait outside and I didn't have a cell phone at the time.  He couldn't get ahold of me and was panicking.  He was so vile when I got there, it continued on until the next morning. He told me he wanted to kill me in my sleep.  I kicked him out.  It was hard, really hard. He was still working and stayed with friends who drank too much and then he too became a big drinker.  I had unplugged and put in boxes his Xbox ps3 games and the like and disconnected the internet.  I told him he could come back after about 6 months but there would be no gaming.  He refused and I was worried but I couldn't coddle him anymore.  I remember my parents putting a lot on me because my sister would go into a rage if they asked her to do something so I would do everything.  I didn't want my youngest son to feel the way I felt so I didn't ask much from him and did everything myself as a single mom.  This didn't fair well for my younger son now that he is an adult.  My BPD son was on many meds as a child and they had him as Bipolar, they thought  The meds made a mess out of him and he isn't keen on getting help at this point.  He is excelling at work, he got his drivers license and is a supervisor at his job.   So he smokes pot, which is legal in Colorado and he is so much better!  He is socially accepted by many peers, feels good about himself, walks tall and he thinks before he reacts negatively towards me.  I am going to see if my councilor will work with me and my whole family.  It is a family ordeal and it will always be.  My point is, I have no point other than to keep the hope and believe that there will be a better day.  don't stop trying.