Gratitude...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today I have a very strange realization, but it's probably worth noting and sharing.

Briefest backstory to provide context to those who aren't familiar with my story. 4 months ago my ex assaulted me as I tried to leave his apartment. I sustained substantial enough physical injury that he was arrested and booked on assault 2 and has been in jail since.

Obviously the criminal no contact order that came as a result forced complete and total lack of communication. And the past few months have been devastatingly hard. BUT... .

Today I realize that I have turned a corner of some kind. I have clarity and context that I NEVER would have gained if he and I had continued to have contact of any kind. I still think of him more than I care to acknowledge (that's part of the process I'm sure), but I no longer have much emotion wrapped up in what he might be feeling or doing. When I think about him, there is a distinct detachment to any type of heightened emotion. It's very matter of fact "oh geez, ex would have hated this... ." or if something reminds me of an incident I generally find myself dissecting it and finding more evidence of his BPD and lack of emotional stability. This especially happens when I think of things that should have been red flags early on, but that I didn't see for what they were.

And in thinking about this, I was flooded with a tremendous amount of gratitude. Because ya'll - I KNOW clear as the nose on my face that I could never have maintained NC on my own. I was so enmeshed in that man and his emotions that I sincerely believe that if something this drastic to literally make no contact a legal mandate hadn't happened, I would have continued to allow him in my head and my heart as long as he wanted to f*ck with me.

That's a hard truth to face but there you have it. His assault probably ultimately saved me.

It's also a strong and passionate case for no contact. I cannot fathom a way to truly heal and recover while trying to maintain a friendship or other communication with a BPD ex. I suppose others might argue, but if you are struggling to maintain NC, I encourage you to stay the course.

Stay strong. We deserve to be truly loved.

[Lalathegreat]

Today I have a very strange realization, but it's probably worth noting and sharing.

Briefest backstory to provide context to those who aren't familiar with my story. 4 months ago my ex assaulted me as I tried to leave his apartment. I sustained substantial enough physical injury that he was arrested and booked on assault 2 and has been in jail since.

Obviously the criminal no contact order that came as a result forced complete and total lack of communication. And the past few months have been devastatingly hard. BUT... .

Today I realize that I have turned a corner of some kind. I have clarity and context that I NEVER would have gained if he and I had continued to have contact of any kind. I still think of him more than I care to acknowledge (that's part of the process I'm sure), but I no longer have much emotion wrapped up in what he might be feeling or doing. When I think about him, there is a distinct detachment to any type of heightened emotion. It's very matter of fact "oh geez, ex would have hated this... ." or if something reminds me of an incident I generally find myself dissecting it and finding more evidence of his BPD and lack of emotional stability. This especially happens when I think of things that should have been red flags early on, but that I didn't see for what they were.

And in thinking about this, I was flooded with a tremendous amount of gratitude. Because ya'll - I KNOW clear as the nose on my face that I could never have maintained NC on my own. I was so enmeshed in that man and his emotions that I sincerely believe that if something this drastic to literally make no contact a legal mandate hadn't happened, I would have continued to allow him in my head and my heart as long as he wanted to f*ck with me.

That's a hard truth to face but there you have it. His assault probably ultimately saved me.

It's also a strong and passionate case for no contact. I cannot fathom a way to truly heal and recover while trying to maintain a friendship or other communication with a BPD ex. I suppose others might argue, but if you are struggling to maintain NC, I encourage you to stay the course.

Stay strong. We deserve to be truly loved.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, Lala, for your encouraging post.  It sounds like progress to me!  I became so beaten down in my marriage to a pwBPD that I lacked the strength to leave.  Fortunately for me, two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.  It was a humbling experience, but they probably saved my life.  Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but it's not, because I was on a self-destructive path.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lala,

It's great to hear from you!  Thanks for sharing this personal revelation with us.  I can relate in some ways in that things became very complex after the violence began in my r/s and I won't go into the long story but it affected my custody of my son.  I knew that if I maintained a r/s of any type, even as a supportive friend figure in his life, there was little chance I'd get my son back.  I had good enough reason without that to be NC, however there is no motivator like that to remain NC if I had ever felt myself weaken and become curious.

So although terrible things happened in my r/s and the impact is far reaching still, in some ways I am grateful for many things that occurred.  I'm glad you decided to post about this and that you are doing well in your healing process.  As the FOG lifts, it really is a whole new world we see. 

Hope you continue going from strength to strength from here.  You certainly deserve to. 

Love and light x

[moscas]

It's wonderful to hear you've come this far and made these insights  
Gives me hope too!
I had a somewhat similar realization. In my case my ex sent me death-threats and these resulted in me getting a restraining order against him. I still feel the death-threats and restraining order are what really saved me and has made it possible for me to maintain NC for almost two months now. In my case a pregnancy is complicating things, but it's also sobering bc I can't just think about myself now, and I never want a child to grow up in this dysfuntional mess. But I have to be honest and say I don't know how many times I would have cycled back to him if he hadn't turned extremely devaluing on me and if the whole thing wouldn't have turned into a legal matter. It really helped me, and I feel I'm finally on the road of emotional recovery now.