Introduction

[Strugglingthroo]

Hello,

New here so I thought I would introduce myself and explain my current situation.

My wife of over 20 years was recently diagnosed with bipolar and BPD.  I honestly had never heard of BPD until my therapist mentioned it after I explained my wife's symtoms.  Sure enough, her therapist diagnosed her with BPD, in addition the the bipolar, a week later. 

On the one hand I am relieved to know that there is a reason for the behavior I've experienced for over 2 decades.  It validates my belief for many years that something just wasn't "right".  On the other hand, it's devasting as I have learned just how complicated the disorder is and how difficult it can be to improve it. 

On the positive side, she does admit that she has both disorders and is actively seeking therapy.  She is seeing a specialist in DBT therapy and has recently enrolled in group therapy as well.

On the negative side, there has been so much pain inflicted that I'm not sure it matters at this point how successful the therapy is.  I feel like there are 2 unknowns, number 1, will the therapy improve the disorder enough to make a difference, and 2, even if it does can I get over the years of hurt that I've endured.  I feel like waiting for those answers is taking more years of my life from me, especially if the therarpy is unsuccessful.  I feel like in many ways the last 20 plus years has been taken from me and waiting a few more to see if the therapy works is just adding to those years.  On the other hand, I feel like if I leave, I am being very selfish.  She didn't ask for this disorder.  She's doing everything she can to try and improve it. 

We also have 3 daughters, one who is special needs and will most likely need our care for the rest of her life.  That greatly complicates things as well.  They are all 3 teenagers and have enough pressure just dealing with all of the adolescent stresses of life.  I hate to add to their stress by divorcing their mother yet I also don't want to add to their stress by having them live in a tense environment.  I have never felt so "stuck" in my life. 

Since my wife's therapy has started, the manic episodes have stopped, the self harming has greatly decreased, and her mood has been better.  However, she still comes at me with the, "You should be doing this and that.  You should be helping me.  You don't know how hard this is," mentality.  It's hard for me to know how to be supportive without being enabling.  I'm sure it has to be hard but if I cater too much to her I feel like I'm playing right into what she's wanting.

The years of hurt have made me a shell of what I once was.  I am, or was, very Type A, ready to challenge any obstacle that comes my way.  I am now suffering from severe anxiety, which is now turning into depression.  My hope was to find a therapist that understood BPD and what a spouse goes through but I am struggling to find one.  I've gone to two so far and one told me to deal with while the other said get out. 

Appreciate finding this board as it at least shows me that I'm not alone in this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hello Strugglingthroo,



Oh my! I am sure many of the members here relate to your story. While my story is different, I know certain elements really resonant with me. (I have long wondered if my h is also bipolar.) I am really interested to hear how things develop for you - so I hope you continue to post, and of course hope too that you find support from the members here.

Are you getting any help for the anxiety and depression may I ask? 

We have a policy of no leave or stay messages - so here at least you have the space to sort out what feels right for you.

Take care!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Struglingthroo,

Welcome I'm sorry that you are feeling so worn down over years. Congratulations on her getting into DBT. It's a step that many pwbPD never take.

Healing from the wounds takes time. You've experienced years of mistrust, disappointment, anger, unforgiveness, and hurt. It's not something that gets fixed overnight. And it may not be safe to do so.

Regardless of your W's behavior, it's important that you can find a place of peace outside of what she does. As this is a new diagnosis, it's important that you begin to move towards a place of Radical Acceptance for the relationship to grow. Take time to mourn over what you have lost and what you may never have. All of us had hopes and dreams for our marriage and it is a grieving process to realize that what you had hoped for may not happen.

Begin to forgive her. Forgiveness is a choice we make, not something we feel. When you can forgive you are freeing yourself from allowing the other person to control your emotions. You say "I am no longer going to let my anger and hurt toward you control me." Forgiveness does not mean that things have to be the way they were. We have an article about Is Resentment Blocking Your Recovery . This lesson is geared towards those who are no longer in a relationship with someone with BPD but the ideas outlined in regards to forgiveness can still be applied to those in a relationship.