He started talking about the other woman, saying he had no sex drive with her

[roseabell]

Hello everyone, this is my first post on here and I strongly suspect my ex is BPD and would really welcome some feedback on this.  I will explain the behaviour and give my story and although I have been reading up loads on BPD and have a good understanding, I am looking for some confirmation of what I believe to be true.  Others insight would be very  helpful.

I met my ex just over 2 1/2 years ago.  His wife of 16 years left 14 months before we met. She left and moved in with another man who she is still with nearly 4 years later.  My ex had a breakdown at this time, and tried suicide, then admitted himself to hospital, which he told me about.  

1 week exactly after I met him he told me he loved me and what did I think about moving in.  Also took me to meet his terminally ill mother 1 week after meeting and introduced me to all of his friends.  He included me in his social circle and was keen to spend lots of time with me, which of course, I loved.  3 months in he had a heart attack, then 2 weeks later his mother died.  

I moved in to keep an eye on him after all of this. Which he seemed happy about.  3 months later he asked for space, I over reacted and said that if I left that would be it.  Then he broke down, and so did I.  Then recovered and begged me not to go, and please be there when he came back (he was going out that night). I told him I wasn't going anywhere.  Later he came back and threatened suicide.  In the morning I called 2 of his friends, who went to speak with him.  Later that day he demanded that I move out.  Which I did.

I messaged him to apologise, and we kept in touch.  Met a month later, and he was desperate for me not to leave him, and for us to get back together. We did.

He was extremely passionate, very kind, caring and extremely affectionate.  He was always complimenting me and made me feel special.  I of course, fell for him in a big way.  He was just not my type physically (obese), but I saw past this and I saw him, including some vulnerability, although he was always very masculine to me at the same time.

The physical side of things was and still is extremely passionate and it was mutual.

So things were great, very loving, sexual, and we both said we felt a great connection together.  The best connection I have ever felt with anyone in my life before.  

Roll on 1 1/2 years later.  He texted me one day asking for space.  At this time he was under a lot of stress, dealing with probate from mothers estate, divorce proceedings still ongoing, health issues, work issues. So naturally I believed that this was the problem.  So I went no contact to give him space, but told him to get in touch when he was ready.  2 weeks later I receive a break up email telling me that I was way out of league, was stunning, my smile melted his heart and my heart was like platinum.  Also that mentally he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that I deserved better.

Of course I emailed back, telling him how I felt about him, that I wasn't settling for him, that I didn't want anyone else, and I felt that he needed time to sort stuff out.

Went down to his house a couple of days later and spoke.  There was another woman there who I thought at the time was with his flatmate.  Later found out that he had just started seeing her.  I asked him who she was and he said she was with his flatmate.  I told him I didn't want to break up and that I missed him, then he told me that he would call me in a couple of days.

From then on, every time I saw him we were physical together.  He would come on strong, be really affectionate and the same as always.  Then arrange to meet with me, then text on the day and say that 'it wasn't fair on me, I deserved better and this had to stop'  On a few months and we were always on again, off again cycle.  Every time I saw him he would come on strong.  He would always say 'look at the connection we have. No one would believe it.  I can't ignore the connection we have.  You make me feel really special.  Would kiss me passionately and ask 'what does that show you' etc.

Only to make plans and then break them again.  One time the text messages would be 'I have to stop this, I can't do do this anymore'.  Naturally, I felt this behaviour strange, as every time I would get hold of him (finally) to try and talk, he would come on strong to me, and of course I couldn't resist.

One time after breaking plans I got the above type of message again.  Then 2 min later 'what do you like about us being together?'  then when I asked him to call me.  'No I can't.  Its too hard.  I just get aroused and I can't handle it'  then 'I can't handle being around you because I just want you'

Another email as explanation for ending this.  'I am drawn to you, and can't help myself. We are an untapped well. I really like you a lot.  But I CAN'T do a relationship.  I don't want a relationship. That we have an intense mega sexual connection.  

By text later asked if he wanted to see other people. 'No'  Texted to say he should sleep with other people but he wouldn't have the same intense connection that he did with me'  he responded 'Your right sex is just sex. It is about the connection'.

So completely contradictory.  Another year following last break up email and me trying to figure out what the hell was happening, I received another breakup email.  1 1/2 weeks earlier, he told me we would do something the following weekend, but later said he was working. The next day came the email.  More of the same, I am out of his league, I deserve better, mentally he is not in a good place, and not ready for a relationship (2 1/2 years after meeting me), and that he wanted us to stay friends as I was kind, caring and supportive.  But wouldn't be in touch for a while.

So I emailed him and he came to my house.  He looked terrible and said that mentally he wasn't in a good place, he was functioning just at work and needed time to sort himself out.  He said that he had to do this on his own. And did I think that he looked well?  I said no, and that I would help him with his weight, etc.  He said no.  I broke down and he comforted me.

Roll on another 2 weeks and on Facebook he is in a relationship from 6 weeks previously.  3 days after he was last with me!   So I emailed him and told him I wanted to talk to him. So 3 days later he is at mine.

He said he just met this other woman, and started chatting and that they just clicked.  He could talk to her and just have a laugh.  Also said he had zero sex drive with her and that nothing had happened (after 6 weeks).  But, that his sex drive with me was off the charts.  And then he started telling me he missed me, wanted to hug me, hold me kiss me. And started asking me what I enjoyed most about our time together.  I kept telling him to stop as it wasn't fair on me.  I broke down and he comforted me with hugs.  Stayed for 2 hours and then left.

I would explain also that he had a narcissistic father and grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and the usual narcissistic injuries into adulthood.  

I started to explain to him how I thought he was pushing me away because of fear.  He had previously said that he was scared to fall for me completely incase he got hurt.  I tried to explain what I thought was going on with us. Also that the intensity between us was triggering fear of abandonment.  Also told him that I wasn't going anywhere.  He seemed overwhelmed and said that it was a lot to take in, and that he needed to process it.  Also said that what I had said had made him think about things differently.  Then he had to go.  So I told him I would like to talk again some more.  He agreed.  Said he had to sort out things with the other woman and he would be in touch.  I texted him later and said it was nice to talk and let me know about when we could meet up to talk. He replied right away saying he enjoyed the talk, and would let me know.  10m after that texted to say 'i am with ... ., this is all ___ed up.   I texted him back and told him to take a few days over what I said, and about what he said and I would be in touch.

So a week later I dropped in by his work.  He took me to his office, proceeded to show me he was aroused by my being there (after about 3 min), and then started to tell me how he wanted to throw me across the desk, wanted to rip my clothes off, wanted to hold me, hug me, stroke my hair, kiss me etc.

I told him that wasn't fair on me, and that we needed to talk.  Then he started talking about the other woman, saying he had no sex drive with her. But he just has to be around me and he's aroused and just wants me, but its not fair on me.  Then started telling me that I was beautiful, with a fantastic figure, and that I was lovely, caring, supportive and out of his league, then said that he 'was just big and overweight, to which I said that is your insecurity right there.  You are scared.'  he said he wasn't.  

Then told me he would be round to mine next day after work to talk.  Also that he wanted to hold me, kiss me etc.  That being with me was addictive.  I told him that nothing would happen and that we would just talk.

Later that day, I texted a friend letting her know how it went. Only I told her and texted him by mistake!

Immediately texted back apologising and told him we still needed to talk. He texted back 'no we won't, thats it over'  So replied saying that I needed support from someone over his behaviour, and that it wasn't fair of him to push me away like that, and to understand things from my point of view. Again he refused.

So back round to his work the next day, and he accused me of playing games.  Asked him to come round after work, and said he was busy but he would call me.  No response 3 days later.  Will give him some time and then try and get to talk to him again.

I believe that he knows that something is wrong.  He told me on last meeting that his ex wife thought he was bi-polar, but I don't think so.

My aim is to try and talk to him again, as I think I was beginning to get through to him when I mentioned his behaviour before, and then try and direct him into getting help.  I am pretty sure its BPD though.

I am struggling every day, missing him, breaking down, and also feel in a bit of shock.  I have been reading up loads on BPD and he ticks a lot of boxes.   For me I will know if and when I have had enough, but can't just walk away either.  Learning and understanding is helping me fathom his behaviour and try to understand what I am dealing with here.

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks anyone who responds.

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[roseabell]

I would really welcome any comments on my original post.  I am really struggling with all of this, and am almost having panic attacks about the last interaction with my ex at his office.

He told me that he felt an intense sexual attraction towards me, and that he wanted to hug me, hold me, kiss me and wanted to rip my clothes off.  He said it was also an emotional connection. This has always been the same throughout 2 1/2 years I have known him.  He seems to have an intense attraction towards me.  He also told me that we were very volatile together and it had been an emotional rollercoaster. 

Volatile to me means that we were having constant arguments and conflict.  This was SO not the case, and exact opposite as he said I had a very calming influence on him previously.  I am thinking that he is talking about his own emotions here and is projecting them onto me.

I also get the feeling that I am cast white, when I am with him, and then split black when I am immediately out of sight.  This would account for getting the text message just a couple of hours after I talked to him about what I thought was going on between us.  He looked like he was taking this on board, and even said that it made him see things in a different light, and that he had to sort situation with new girlfriend.  Also agreed to talk about it further.  Texted to say he enjoyed the talk and would be in touch to arrange to talk further, then 10m later texted to say he was with someone else, and this was all f... .up.

Also told me that he wanted to connect with me so deeply and that he wanted to do so much with me. That I was wonderful, kind caring and stunning. Then said that he was just fat and overweight (he is morbidly obese 300lb).  This was despite seeing someone else. Someone he said, who he had no sex drive with. This was just a few days ago.

Please, please can someone give me some feedback here.  I have a pretty good idea of whats going on here, as I said I have been reading loads on BPD but need some feedback on the actual situation from people who understand. 

[AKpanda]

I am not sure what to say to you as I am currently struggling with similar behaviors from my girlfriend. We have been together for a little over 2 years, living together for the past 14 months. However, every 2-3 months she moves out (usually with no warning. I just get a text while at work that she's gone and not coming back, or I come home to find her stuff is gone). She stays gone for 2-3 months and then decides she can't be without me and comes back. Mind you, while she's gone she calls daily, texts frequently and video chats almost nightly. Yes, I engage because I love her very much and want a life with her. She is currently living about an hour away after having been home for 2.5 months. She says she doesn't want to be done with our relationship but needs to figure out why we aren't good when we live together.
That's my story and here's my feedback to you... .
I am learning this push - pull is the general dynamic of relationships involving pwBP. It is obviously confusing for us nons and can feel a little crazy making. I am at the place where I am trying to decide if I can handle all this, or if I need to let go and find my peace. Perhaps you may need to do the same.

[roseabell]

AKpanda thank you for your reply.  I am so sorry for your situation too.  That is so hard to deal with. It is so hard to explain to people who do not understand.  I understand about the crazy making too, as I have often doubted myself, and whether I am imagining things, and have it all wrong.  I have the text messages to prove it though.  Saying he can't even talk to me on the phone because it arouses him too much.

I am struggling every day and miss my ex so much.  I can't get over the fact that he broke up with me for no reason, but as I say, I think he got too close and the intensity and attraction between us, I think is something that he couldn't handle and that it was triggering his abandonment fears.  There has been absolutely no reduction in this for the whole 2 1/2 years since we met.

I am not ready to walk away, but I do understand how this could be a never ending cycle.  I will know when I have had enough, but right now I am not ready to give up.  I think he knows that something is wrong, so I am keeping some hope for that.  I love him and want a future with him. 

I am a pretty strong person emotionally.  I stuck by my ex before this after his ex wife murdered his 3 children and went through emotional hell following that.  I stuck by him for a year and a half following the murders, and then he left and I developed PTSD and had 2 years of counselling which helped me so much. I didn't date anyone for 3 years following this to allow myself to recover fully.  So I understand what it means to go through emotional trauma.  I can't walk away, and as long as I think there is a chance he recognises there is a problem and I can guide him towards help I am not leaving.  I know that many will say that I should, but I can handle a lot. If it is BPD then  he is a quiet inward acting.  He is a gentle guy not aggressive in any way, tends to do the avoidant thing.

Why would he tell me that he has zero attraction to his current girlfriend?  Putting it on facebook announcing he was in a relationship after 5 weeks hurt me so much, but I also see it as him pushing me away.  Because I trigger him?

Any other insight into his behaviour would be greatly appreciated.  Good luck to everyone on here.  It helps to read from others who understand.