I have an emergency appointment with our counselor Monday morning

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Note: my husband has not been diagnosed with BPD but clearly shows many of the traits.

We dated 19 months, then married a little over 2 years ago. I'm in my young 30's and my husband is in his late 30's.  We both seemed so excited to have found someone to share our lives and to have a family. Within a few days of marriage we were already having problems as my new husbands credit card debt was actually $5,000 more than what he told me and the total was the cost of a new car. He continued to spend on things he wanted even after promising not to because he said "I deserve it" but would require me to bring him receipts for groceries and gas (which was all I was allowed to by with a prior discussion/approval).

Within a few months he was going through my purse and laptop bag while I was sleeping, then questioning me about taking cash from our account and keeping it in my purse. He was finding birthday/Christmas cards with cash signed by my grandparents and accusing me of not being committed to the marriage and keeping money from him.

Not even a year into marriage he went through an old phone I had prior to marriage and went old text conversations, pictures, etc. He then decided that I must be having an affair with a friend I've had since 2008 who lives with his gf and 2 kids 3 hours away. I had never even dared this friend even when I was single. He was yelling, cussing and threatening that I'd have nowhere to live. I had to lock myself in my bathroom and call my parents while he yelled slut, whore and many cuss words knowing I was on the phone with them. I quickly packed a bag with what I could grab and had to leave. My husband and his friend then stalked my friend online and created fake social media accounts pretending to be this friend and make him look bad, even going so far as to contact his family and LinkedIn contacts. My husband denied doing it for a while and only stopped when the counselor told him that it's a crime.

I stayed at my parents for 6 weeks and insisted we continue counseling. He insisted we switch from the women we had been seeing and I found a male hoping that he would be more invested/involved and believe with a man suggested for homework or possible solutions. My parents even tried to sit with us to help us work things out early on and my husband constantly criticized how bad of a wife I was, accused me of cheating on him, stating that I wasn't committed enough even with giving up my officer role in an organization he knew was important to me, putting my paycheck in our shared bank account, and only working and staying at the house with him. He even said that he would take all my savings/401k prior to marriage if we were ever to divorce.

With the new counselor things got a bit better and the counselor asked me to go back. I did, but didn't sleep well after that, knowing that he would probably continue searching my stuff. He did, so I started sleeping with my car keys hoping he wouldn't notice. Things were ok for a bit then began sliding downhill again in April after we became completely debt free other than his mortgage. This was a huge and incredibly difficult task as he keep insisting on buying stuff he wanted while on the ':)ave Ramsey debt free plan". I gave in being sick of his accusations of trying to control him and depriving him of what he deserved. I was so tired of the fights and defending myself for helping him to pay off all his credit card and car loan debt.

Since May he took a side IT job working at home. He insisted on me staying at home with him, would ignore for hours to work on the project and accuse me of not making him my top priority, even though I'd been in the house with him the whole time just as he wanted. He would tell me that I'm a bad wife and that he deserved WAY better. He's also told my parents that via text. He wouldn't consider going with me to my extended family activities and I was feeling really lonely and isolated, so I started going again. The weekend I went to celebrate my grandma's 93rd birthday and their 66th wedding anniversary, I came home to my dirty laundry pulled out of the closet and spread around my bathroom/guest bathroom. When I asked who did it he blamed his guy friend and his 10 year old son. He later admitted in counseling that it was him. He refused the following weekend to come with me for my birthday to my extended families house. He had stopped wearing his wedding several weeks before, removed all mention of being married and anything attaching me to him including pictures. He stated that he didn't have to act married until I proved to be a good wife and "acted like I was married"

Right after our 2 year anniversary, he insisted that I could no longer stay at his house (my paycheck helps to pay the mortgage and all other bills) and had to "pack a bag and stay at your parents".  Here I am 3 months later. He's invited me to stay up their a handful of times and I have since all my belongings are in his house and I continue to help pay all the bills. After being at my parents for a few weeks I came out to my car and it had been broken into with stuff thrown everywhere, but the doors were strangely locked and nothing of value, even the change and cash, were not taken. I can't prove it was him, but my stomach is sick because I think it was.

Not even a week ago, during the most critical periods of my job every quarter, he was harassing my at work knowing I couldn't respond. Sending instant messages on various platforms to be able to see if I was opening them, and then finagling texting and accusing me of blocking him. I didn't answer because he was spiraling out of control and I had to focus on my job or put it in jeopardy. Later on the second day of doing this he started asking why one of my male coworkers/friend wasn't my friend on Facebook. This coworker and friend be worked with since 2009ish, he doesn't live in our state, works in our office for 2-3 weeks every quarter, we've never dated and never kissed obviously since he's a coworker, my husband has meet him several times and he attended our wedding with my other coworkers. My husband is now harassing this coworker and has since asked my mom if I'm even staying with them. He's now threatening me and telling my mom that my stuff won't be at his house for long. He texted me Friday saying "we have to separate everything and you know exactly why".  He won't say it directly, but I can tell he's insinuating that I'm cheating with this coworker.

As you can see, it appears to me that he lashes out at me when he's hurting or scared. He is easily irritable and usually states that he thinks people do things purposefully to make him irritated. He's admitted to me when drunk that he "doesn't deserve me and thanks for taking care of him", he drinks 2-3 high alcohol content beers several times per week and since insisting on me staying at my parents he's now buying large quantities of cigars and smoking them daily.

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed, scared about what my husband might do next, I've been struggling with insomnia shortly after our marriage started, I constantly feel exhausted both emotionally and physically, I've gained a small amount of weight, and constantly feel stressed out trying to figure out how to make it all better and not let my coworkers and family know the full extent of the problems. He's texting my mom saying he deserves WAY better for a wife and I'm running out of sanity. I can't loose my job because I need the health insurance and I'm scared that has something to do with him targeting my coworker.

  We have another counseling appointment on Wednesday that my husband says he's not going to attend and I calmly told him I'm not discussing more until that appointment. I have an emergency appointment with our counselor Monday morning and I think it's time for me to seek legal counsel advice.  How do I keep it together in the meantime? Should I continue to not respond to texts? Should I avoid opening messages (Snapchat, Facebook messages etc) that give him notification that I've seen what he's sent? Im worried he's sending pictures of him ruining my late grandmothers furniture or just pictures of the dog to test if I'll open them. I'm hurting too and I don't know what to do.

I apologize for the long post, I'm just so lost and would appreciate any advice.

[hurtwife2015]

Note: my husband has not been diagnosed with BPD but clearly shows many of the traits.

We dated 19 months, then married a little over 2 years ago. I'm in my young 30's and my husband is in his late 30's.  We both seemed so excited to have found someone to share our lives and to have a family. Within a few days of marriage we were already having problems as my new husbands credit card debt was actually $5,000 more than what he told me and the total was the cost of a new car. He continued to spend on things he wanted even after promising not to because he said "I deserve it" but would require me to bring him receipts for groceries and gas (which was all I was allowed to by with a prior discussion/approval).

Within a few months he was going through my purse and laptop bag while I was sleeping, then questioning me about taking cash from our account and keeping it in my purse. He was finding birthday/Christmas cards with cash signed by my grandparents and accusing me of not being committed to the marriage and keeping money from him.

Not even a year into marriage he went through an old phone I had prior to marriage and went old text conversations, pictures, etc. He then decided that I must be having an affair with a friend I've had since 2008 who lives with his gf and 2 kids 3 hours away. I had never even dared this friend even when I was single. He was yelling, cussing and threatening that I'd have nowhere to live. I had to lock myself in my bathroom and call my parents while he yelled slut, whore and many cuss words knowing I was on the phone with them. I quickly packed a bag with what I could grab and had to leave. My husband and his friend then stalked my friend online and created fake social media accounts pretending to be this friend and make him look bad, even going so far as to contact his family and LinkedIn contacts. My husband denied doing it for a while and only stopped when the counselor told him that it's a crime.

I stayed at my parents for 6 weeks and insisted we continue counseling. He insisted we switch from the women we had been seeing and I found a male hoping that he would be more invested/involved and believe with a man suggested for homework or possible solutions. My parents even tried to sit with us to help us work things out early on and my husband constantly criticized how bad of a wife I was, accused me of cheating on him, stating that I wasn't committed enough even with giving up my officer role in an organization he knew was important to me, putting my paycheck in our shared bank account, and only working and staying at the house with him. He even said that he would take all my savings/401k prior to marriage if we were ever to divorce.

With the new counselor things got a bit better and the counselor asked me to go back. I did, but didn't sleep well after that, knowing that he would probably continue searching my stuff. He did, so I started sleeping with my car keys hoping he wouldn't notice. Things were ok for a bit then began sliding downhill again in April after we became completely debt free other than his mortgage. This was a huge and incredibly difficult task as he keep insisting on buying stuff he wanted while on the ':)ave Ramsey debt free plan". I gave in being sick of his accusations of trying to control him and depriving him of what he deserved. I was so tired of the fights and defending myself for helping him to pay off all his credit card and car loan debt.

Since May he took a side IT job working at home. He insisted on me staying at home with him, would ignore for hours to work on the project and accuse me of not making him my top priority, even though I'd been in the house with him the whole time just as he wanted. He would tell me that I'm a bad wife and that he deserved WAY better. He's also told my parents that via text. He wouldn't consider going with me to my extended family activities and I was feeling really lonely and isolated, so I started going again. The weekend I went to celebrate my grandma's 93rd birthday and their 66th wedding anniversary, I came home to my dirty laundry pulled out of the closet and spread around my bathroom/guest bathroom. When I asked who did it he blamed his guy friend and his 10 year old son. He later admitted in counseling that it was him. He refused the following weekend to come with me for my birthday to my extended families house. He had stopped wearing his wedding several weeks before, removed all mention of being married and anything attaching me to him including pictures. He stated that he didn't have to act married until I proved to be a good wife and "acted like I was married"

Right after our 2 year anniversary, he insisted that I could no longer stay at his house (my paycheck helps to pay the mortgage and all other bills) and had to "pack a bag and stay at your parents".  Here I am 3 months later. He's invited me to stay up their a handful of times and I have since all my belongings are in his house and I continue to help pay all the bills. After being at my parents for a few weeks I came out to my car and it had been broken into with stuff thrown everywhere, but the doors were strangely locked and nothing of value, even the change and cash, were not taken. I can't prove it was him, but my stomach is sick because I think it was.

Not even a week ago, during the most critical periods of my job every quarter, he was harassing my at work knowing I couldn't respond. Sending instant messages on various platforms to be able to see if I was opening them, and then finagling texting and accusing me of blocking him. I didn't answer because he was spiraling out of control and I had to focus on my job or put it in jeopardy. Later on the second day of doing this he started asking why one of my male coworkers/friend wasn't my friend on Facebook. This coworker and friend be worked with since 2009ish, he doesn't live in our state, works in our office for 2-3 weeks every quarter, we've never dated and never kissed obviously since he's a coworker, my husband has meet him several times and he attended our wedding with my other coworkers. My husband is now harassing this coworker and has since asked my mom if I'm even staying with them. He's now threatening me and telling my mom that my stuff won't be at his house for long. He texted me Friday saying "we have to separate everything and you know exactly why".  He won't say it directly, but I can tell he's insinuating that I'm cheating with this coworker.

As you can see, it appears to me that he lashes out at me when he's hurting or scared. He is easily irritable and usually states that he thinks people do things purposefully to make him irritated. He's admitted to me when drunk that he "doesn't deserve me and thanks for taking care of him", he drinks 2-3 high alcohol content beers several times per week and since insisting on me staying at my parents he's now buying large quantities of cigars and smoking them daily.

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed, scared about what my husband might do next, I've been struggling with insomnia shortly after our marriage started, I constantly feel exhausted both emotionally and physically, I've gained a small amount of weight, and constantly feel stressed out trying to figure out how to make it all better and not let my coworkers and family know the full extent of the problems. He's texting my mom saying he deserves WAY better for a wife and I'm running out of sanity. I can't loose my job because I need the health insurance and I'm scared that has something to do with him targeting my coworker.

  We have another counseling appointment on Wednesday that my husband says he's not going to attend and I calmly told him I'm not discussing more until that appointment. I have an emergency appointment with our counselor Monday morning and I think it's time for me to seek legal counsel advice.  How do I keep it together in the meantime? Should I continue to not respond to texts? Should I avoid opening messages (Snapchat, Facebook messages etc) that give him notification that I've seen what he's sent? Im worried he's sending pictures of him ruining my late grandmothers furniture or just pictures of the dog to test if I'll open them. I'm hurting too and I don't know what to do.

I apologize for the long post, I'm just so lost and would appreciate any advice.

[Skip]

Right after our 2 year anniversary, he insisted that I could no longer stay at his house (my paycheck helps to pay the mortgage and all other bills) and had to "pack a bag and stay at your parents".  Here I am 3 months later.

This sounds like a huge cycle of conflict, (ongoing) and a breakdown in trust and communication between you. I'm so sorry you are living this.

You live in a legal separation state, so you have the technical ability to formalize the living apart obligations while you sort this out. I'm not encouraging (or discouraging) this, just reminding you that you can financially separate, remain married, try to work out problems.

Teak us more about what happened with the separation, return, and re-separation. How did all this come down down? What caused the first separation, how was it when you went back, what caused you to move out a gain?

[evanescent]

Welcome to the board hurtwife2015.

This sounds like classic BPD to me. From the impulsive spending and inability to manage debt to the recycling of love and affection with splits to being the worst person ever in his mind along with the triangulation of friends and family against you, but the diagnosis is not what is important.

What is important is whether you feel you can spend a lifetime dealing with this. It may get better. It may get worse (and often does). You are fortunate to still have financial independence with work, and you don't mention children, so your options are significantly easier to consider in that regard.

Nobody can tell you what to feel or whether continuing the relationship is worth it, but you will find no shortage of people to support you whichever way you decide to go on this.

[hurtwife2015]

This sounds like a huge cycle of conflict, (ongoing) and a breakdown in trust and communication between you. I'm so sorry you are living this.

You live in a legal separation state, so you have the technical ability to formalize the living apart obligations while you sort this out. I'm not encouraging (or discouraging) this, just reminding you that you can financially separate, remain married, try to work out problems.

Teak us more about what happened with the separation, return, and re-separation. How did all this come down down? What caused the first separation, how was it when you went back, what caused you to move out a gain?

Clarification- My husband owned the house for 10 years prior to our marriage. My name is not on the title or mortgage, as I didn't want to legally added on those. Also, we do not have any children. (Which is a blessing to not have to worry about kids during this.)

I left the first time because I was locked in the bathroom (on the phone with my mom) with him yelling at me and threatening me (him saying  I won't put up with this, cussing me out, yelling your daughter is a whore and I'm not gonna let her stay in my house).  He had never behaved like this before and I didn't think he would hit me, but I was shaking in fear and did not want to stay for fear that it would escalate past its current point.  He was also yelling get out of my house.

I returned after 6 - 8 weeks of counseling once a week, at the counselers request to try to encourage my husband to see that I was trying to make things better.  At this time I slept with my car keys for many weeks because I was afraid of not being able to leave while being 45 minutes drive away from family, friends or work.  Things got a slightly better, we continued counseling about every 2 weeks while putting some boundaries in place of him not harassing me via instant messenger while I was at work and him not cussing and yelling at me when he was upset. Our counselor also requested that we went on weekly dates that we were supposed to take turns planning. He planned his first 2 -3 dates then stopped because he said I wasn't putting in enough effort and acting married/committed enough and said that I owed him intimacy for his efforts and was mad I didn't initiate that.  I still felt like I couldn't trust him and was scared of his quick anger, so I explained in counseling I did not feel comfortable being intimate. He then blamed me of having an affair in counseling with the following rationalization "if she's not having sex with me then she has to be doing it with somebody else" with no evidence of an affair existing. I did not have an affair, I barely ever got to see any of my female friends without him getting upset that I was "making everyone else a priority above him". I had become so isolated, yet it wasn't good enough. He wouldn't believe my parents or the counselor, both of them telling him that I hadn't had an affair.  I had to admit I shouldn't even speak to this person and cut off all communication going forward.  I rarely talk to this friend so I just complied in an effort to make things better. I thought it was extreme, but thought I have to take responsibility to make my marriage work, so I did it.

 This time, he told me that I couldn't stay at his house and instructed me to pack a bag and stay at my parents. He doesn't want to "spend a bunch of money on counseling" and now only agrees to go every 2 - 3 weeks, so we've not made a lot of progress. If he's raging I remind him of my  boundaries and say that I cannot argue with him at work. He  does not respect this boundary and continue to send me messages on every platform that you can and then accuses me of ignoring him. Sometimes I am in meetings and haven't even been able to see his messages to ignore it. Other times it's so overwhelming and I know  he will not stop when I've asked him to stop I just stop responding in an attempt to keep it from continuing to spiral out of control. That's exactly what happened this past week. He knew that I was really busy at work,  so he kept sending messages to continue to increase in hostility and when I didn't respond to those, he sent me a meeting request to separate our phone account and to cancel my car from his car insurance policy.   He tends to lash out and try to hurt/scare me to get me to respond to him, but I have stopped.  Since I wouldn't respond to him while at work, he started texting my mom and asking if I had "even been staying with that ".  She responded with "where else do you think she could stay for free?  Is it her paycheck still paying all of your bills?"  His response was not for long. She did not respond after that but he is now saying he wants to drop off my mail today.  At some point during the end of the week when I wasn't responding to him he decided that I was having another affair with a coworker and started sending messages to my coworker asking him why he wasn't friends with me on Facebook and isn't that a little weird. The coworker told me about it and felt like it was inappropriate for him to respond so he didn't.  I apologize for the coworker and told him he did not have to respond and ask him  to let me know if he has been continued to harass him. The next morning when he  got off his flight leaving a company for the next three months he received the following message from my husband "what's up bro? Cat got your tongue? ".  My coworker sent the screenshot to me I apologized again and said that I would get him to stop. I have not heard from my coworker since Friday, but I don't know if my husband still harassing him. I'm really worried that he will try to Heard him via social media since he knows that my coworker works as a consultant and his image is very important to keeping his clients and making a living.

 At this point I really don't see how this could get better and how I could ever get past it to move back.  I just open the Snapchat he sent me last night of our friends party that I didn't go to. He sent me pictures like nothing has even happened in the past week.

 I feel an obligation to try to make things better and guilt that I haven't been able to make this a good marriage for either of us. I took my marriage vows very serious and feel like a failure. I never wanted to marry someone that I thought I would divorce. I knew that marriage would not be perfect, but I never thought it would turn out like this. I know that I am not perfect, have made mistakes, but I have not made any mistakes to the degree that it would warrant these kind of reactions and behaviors.  I've been trying not to take it personally, though it is difficult when the person keeps saying that it's all your fault, if you just acted like a better wife everything would be great. It's hard not to second guess if I am good enough, or had tired harder, or sat watching him work in silence for hours giving him my undivided attention, but I know that wouldn't have fixed everything as he's said.

My head says this is not healthy and it's ok to not continue, while my heart hurts for someone I love and literally promised (for better or worse) never to leave. It sure feels like the title of the book I hate you - don't leave me.

[hurtwife2015]

Welcome to the board hurtwife2015.

This sounds like classic BPD to me. From the impulsive spending and inability to manage debt to the recycling of love and affection with splits to being the worst person ever in his mind along with the triangulation of friends and family against you, but the diagnosis is not what is important.

What is important is whether you feel you can spend a lifetime dealing with this. It may get better. It may get worse (and often does). You are fortunate to still have financial independence with work, and you don't mention children, so your options are significantly easier to consider in that regard.

Nobody can tell you what to feel or whether continuing the relationship is worth it, but you will find no shortage of people to support you whichever way you decide to go on this.

Thank you for the kind welcome evanescent!

I'm worried that this cycle will just continue over and over again. This has caused me and my parents a lot of anxiety. If I'm being honest, I don't think I can take it much longer.

[toomanydogs]

Welcome to this forum, HurtWife. I agree with the others who have responded. Regardless of whether or not your husband's been diagnosed with BPD, his behaviors sound classic to me.

I am so sorry you're going through this. If you choose to stay in your marriage, there is a lot of great information here that can help you learn to communicate differently with your H.

If you choose to leave, there is also a lot of great information here--and a lot of really great people--about disentangling yourself from the marriage.

Like you, I'm grateful you don't have children right now. It's hard enough to decide whether to leave or stay without adding kids into the mix.

Welcome. I'm glad you're here. 

TMD

[No-One]

hurtwife2015:
I'm so sorry about what you are going through.  I can't imagine how devastating it is for you to have been surprised by your husband's behavior, after getting married.  

My head says this is not healthy and it's ok to not continue, while my heart hurts for someone I love and literally promised (for better or worse) never to leave. It sure feels like the title of the book I hate you - don't leave me.

"For better or worse" does not include abuse.  It might be helpful for you to go to the website below and read about the various types of abuse:  www.thehotline.org/

It's, also, possible to text with someone at "thehotline" or to talk with someone by phone.  Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk with a neutral party on the phone.  :)omestic abuse hotlines can offer you a listening ear and have lots of experience with dealing with victims of abuse.  Abuse doesn't have to mean physical abuse and many times is emotional abuse.

The fact that your husband won't go to counseling more than once a month could be seen as an indication that his heart isn't really into changing.  

We dated 19 months, then married a little over 2 years ago. I'm in my young 30's and my husband is in his late 30's.  We both seemed so excited to have found someone to share our lives and to have a family. Within a few days of marriage we were already having problems as my new husbands credit card debt was actually $5,000 more than what he told me and the total was the cost of a new car. He continued to spend on things he wanted even after promising not to because he said "I deserve it" but would require me to bring him receipts for groceries and gas (which was all I was allowed to by with a prior discussion/approval).

Lying about his debt (or not telling you about it) is deceptive.  I would think that lying and hiding your true nature doesn't qualify for marring someone for better or worse.  I'm thinking his needs to be jealous and controlling were there, but he hide it well.  If you look back upon things now, were there any subtle hints of him being controlling?  

. . . He keep insisting on buying stuff he wanted while on the ':)ave Ramsey debt free plan. . .He stated that he didn't have to act married until I proved to be a good wife and "acted like I was married"

Since you mention Dave Ramsey, I'm thinking you might be a member of a church.  Some men try to twist some biblical passages to mean that a man is the leader over a wife and has to control her.  Although this principal can be construed in a kind, loving manner, it can, also, be used by controlling men to be abusive.

He even said that he would take all my savings/401k prior to marriage if we were ever to divorce.

 If that were the case for the state in which you live, you could get part of his house, that he had prior to marriage.  He is just trying to scare and control you.  If you aren't ready to consult a lawyer, you might want to do some internet research for divorce laws for your state.  Perhaps you could do that, during lunchtime at work.  If you do research on a home computer, use a browser that offers "incognito" browsing, as it doesn't keep any history and you won't have to worry about deleting history, as it just isn't saved.

[walkinthepark247]

"... .and I think it's time for me to seek legal counsel advice."

Welcome. You are among friends. I don't know if this helps or not, but I found a huge relief from speaking with an attorney last week. Honestly, speaking to the attorney made me feel even better than a therapist. I'm still trying to figure out my ongoing relationship with my uBPD wife. Like your situation, she exhibits so many of the tell-tale signs. Even if she doesn't ultimately ever get the diagnosis, the information and support I have gotten here have been amazing.

I would suggest that you start keeping a journal of all the bizarre behavior. Speak candidly with your attorney. Once again, just speaking with an attorney will help you understand what you are up against.

Also, have you heard of the book "Splitting"? If not, I highly recommend it. https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254 Even if you choose to continue trying to work it out, there is no harm in reading this book. I had to get past that myself. It really opened my eyes a great deal.

Please keep in touch!