Adult daughter with BPD refuses to let me see my granddaughter

[Mocha412]

 Hi everyone
 This is my first post.  I am very very sad because my adult daughter who is 37 and has a three-year-old -  my first grandchild  -  is having a severe "episode". I guess I call them episodes because in between these episodes she can behave very normally and be very functional.  Usually an episode occurs during a break up with her boyfriend.  Three years ago she had a child with her current boyfriend and now they are breaking up.  I tried to help her by letting her live in my house for four months but it ended in disaster with her accusing me of lying,  being mean to her, and being "toxic."  She asked me to lie to the police for her but I would not.  I told her I was too hard for me watching her daughter full-time all day every day and she promised to get help for me but she didn't do it and I had to do it.  I am at home with a disability.  The disability is severe spine problems and frequent migraine headaches from it.  But my BPD daughter would only get angry if I couldn't watch my grand child 14 hours a day while she slept in and then went to work. I did all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and childcare and it wore me out. But she didn't see it, naturally. She blamed me for every angry and unpleasant feeling she had. My son told me she was abusing me and that woke me up. One day she got angry at me for something - I still don't know what it was -  and she stormed off  with her child.  She told me I'm evil and toxic and I will never see my granddaughter again!  This hurt me so much especially in light of how much I had helped her out during this rough patch in her life.  I felt like I was trying to protect my granddaughter from her mother's mental illness but I just couldn't.  I had to detach to protect my own mental health.  I had to ask my daughter to stop texting me and emailing me because all she would do is abuse me in every text and email.
 Anyway it's a very sad time for me and if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LifeinOZ]

Mocha,
Welcome to a VERY sad club.  I recently posted that I wasn't allowed to see my 3 grandkids either. Someone very kindly referred me to the website for Alienated Grandparents Anonymous. I googled it and found a ton of articles and support from people like us.

I've also been in therapy and the one thing my therapist keeps emphasizing is making sure I'm taking care of my health - both physical and mental. (therapy, yoga, walking outside, eating right, seeing friends, taking vitamins, whatever it is that keeps you healthy!) So - it sounds like you did what was best for your overall healthy. If your daughter would have continued to live with you - the abuse would have continued, and that can't be good for your health!

My stepdaughter cut us out because she didn't want her dad to give his sister away at her wedding. And when he did (in honor of his father) she texted us and told us pretty much we are done and can't see the kids - they will all be just fine without us. It has been a month. It's already getting a little easier each day. While I miss the kids, is it really good for them to see her in such a twist? And for the time being, we seem to be the cause of her twist! Of course, not really, because her mind won't stay in one place very long and she will find a new villain to put her in a twist. I pray for them.

I read "Walking on Eggshells" and it all boils down to this: there is a silent (and sometimes not so silent agreement) that the BPD's feelings/wants/needs are always more important than yours. You have every right in the world to take care of yourself - and it is up to you to make sure you do!

Sending hugs and warm wishes. I know the hardest part is missing your grandchild... .keep coming here, there is a lot of understanding.

[Sad Grandma]

I am also going through grandparent alienation. My 34 year old daughter seems to go through bouts where she uses the grandchildren as a weapon to punish me and her stepdad. I think she believes her own excuses for pulling them away. But then when she really needs something, it all ends and we go back to normal for a while. The kids are only 2 and 4 and it must be so confusing for them...they absolutely love coming to our place. I am worried about what she says to them about us during her bouts. I also worry that one of these days, she will pull them away permanently. I also read "Walking on Eggshells". But I have no choice but to walk on eggshells if I want to see the grandkids. I have accepted that she will manipulate me to some extent while the kids are little, but my husband has a lot less tolerance for it. He seems to think if we let her get away with the controlling behavior, it will only get worse. But I think there is zero chance that my daughter's BPD will improve and we just have to deal with it until the grandkids are old enough to see us on their own. It is really hard.

[js friend]

Hi Mocha412,

Iam sorry to hear you are going through this, but please know that you are not alone.

I have been estranged from my gc children for 5years and experienced short estrangements before then. I have always worried for my gc''s mental health each and everytime of estrangement especially as they got older as it was so unfair to them though deep down  I could almost guarantee that  udd would eventually make her return once she needed my help again with childcare. This time I had a feeling that this estrangement would be longer as udd had found a new partner around the same time who quickly  moved in with her and the gc and from what Ive been told he helps out quite a bit and she now has had a child with him.

I believe that whatever we do as gparents is often never ever good enough and gc are often used to use for power and control. My thoughts are that your udd probably already had something planned which she didnt want you to know about and that this was just her way of exiting your home without any having to provide any explanation or having a  discussion. Leaving your suddenly would make anyone wonder what they had done wrong but my udd used to "stage" arguments on a regular basis when she was younger instead of trying to just sneak out.  I agree with your son. You were being abused. Focusing solely on her own needs while neglecting your needs was abuse. She took advantage of you and  going over and above just to try to keep the peace as a detriment to your own health isnt good or healthy.

I have found that the best way to cope with estrangement is to take it one day at a time. Losing contact with a gc is a big loss and cant be filled, but filling your days with things you enjoy and now focusing on your health that has been neglected will go a long way  towards easing the pain and will get you through.