May lose my parents over iPhone and BPD sis

[Lilacs]

For years I have wanted my parents to try the iPhone.
This August after much discussion w hubby, I got them one, just like we did for his parents 3 years ago and they have learned to love it.

A few weeks ago, I saw that my BPDsis who once again went no contact w me changed the wallpaper from my kids to some religious picture but what bothered me was she took WAZE the gps app off of it. Mom said she did it to save the battery. Of course the app only uses the battery when open but mom didn't understand that. I don't know why but it bothered me a lot that BPDsis tampered w the phone. The pic is certainly petty but don't delete apps.

So I had the phone w me for a few days to trade in for a lower model and I would keep this one. In the meantime BPDsis texted mom a picture of kids' homework. So I texted back "this text has not reached the intended recipient. Additionally please refrain from making adjustments to settings or asp as you are not the contract holder". Anyway she went ballistic. Saying I was weird and confusing. Why can't I be normal and that she hopes I get the help I need. And that she was blocking this number.

After thinking about it for a week I realized she was creating drama because I was unemotional.  I don't even know why, but I texted her again a week later for some reason using moms phone. Prob to tell her I still have it. I once again texted that we are making adjustments to the phone and to refrain from adjusting settings and apps. She gave our parents a flip phone and I never adjusted anything on there (despite cringing every time her voice came on the voice mail - which I didn't tell her). Anyway, she texted back and asked why I was being nasty?  She said she only made changes approved by mom (who knows nothing about iPhones). Then she said "So you got them a phone but don't want me to call it or text on it!" To which I replied, "Feel free to call or text or share as you see fit once phone is in parents possession, please do not make changes to settings or apps as my son (16yo) is taking care of that as he does for the other set of grandparents. Being without emotion is not nasty. It is the only way to communicate for me." 

I think she went nuts bc there was no drama, so she decided to create it. Well last night my mom got mad at me and insists she wants to cancel the phone. When I told her this is not possible, she now wants to go to the AT&T store w me to check and see if what I'm saying is true. I think BPDsis filled her w ideas that I am giving them the phone so I can keep tabs on them or something, like get copies of texts or emails or location settings. She prob said I don't want BPDsis calling that phone or something. So I guess I am either out of $1200 in a phone and line that cannot be returned or my parents or both. Very devastating. And all I wanted was to get them a phone that they could use when traveling so they had Internet, GPS, texting, camera, weather all in one place.

[No-One]

Lilacs:
I'm sorry about your situation.  I can hear how frustrated you are.  It appears as if the phone situation set the stage for a significant drama triangle between you, your parents and your sister.  It sounds like your parents aren't very tech savvy/phone savvy.  It's easy to understand that they might ask both daughters about phone issues.  Communication devices and social media are a common source of problems with high conflict people.

You will probably be best served to get out of the phone situation, especially if you put your parents onto your personal phone plan.  The situation with giving her an expensive phone, then taking it back for you (and viewing interactions from your sister), was a recipe for disaster.

People have different preferences with wallpapers and apps.  Both can be added, changed, deleted and then added back.  I can see how you want your mom to have certain things on the phone you give her, but the only healthy way to give a gift like a phone is to NOT get too invested in the way you would prefer things on the phone.  It's much easier to add WAZE back onto a phone (and train your mom on how to prevent battery drain), then it is to argue with your sister about it. 

Letting yourself get in a situation to view your sister's messages to your mom, was a problem to start with.  Reading and responding to the messages engaged you in a battle. 

You indicate you don't know why you took some of the actions you did.  This might be something to ponder over.  You indicate that, "A few weeks ago, I saw that my BPDsis once again went no contact w me".  Could you have been reacting to that?

Being involved with your parent's phone, doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you. You need to NOT have access to texts, emails or any form of messages your parents receive from your sister.  Nothing good will ever come from responding to them in any way.  Also, nothing good will ever come from debating anything about what on your mom's/parent's phone in regard to settings, apps, wallpaper, etc. 

People with BPD can certainly push our buttons, but we can avoid frustration by not engaging and doing everything possible to keep ourselves out of situations that will bring conflict.

[Panda39]

Hi Lilacs,

I'm sorry your really generous gift ended up exploding into all the drama. It sounds like you are all on the Drama Triangle going around and around.  I can see why your mom doesn't want the phone because she probably sees it as the source of all the conflict instead of what you intended it to be... .a lovely gift.

I think you are on the right track about downgrading the phone for them and keeping the nice iphone for yourself... .you paid for it, you appreciate it, so why not keep it?

My other thought was did your parents really want the phone in the first place? Have they indicated they'd be interested in having one? I'm old fashioned and would still be carrying my old flip phone if I could get away with it.  So although the iphone is really important to you and appears to be important to your sister it might actually not be as important to your mom.


More on the Karpman (Drama) Triangle see the link below.  Can you see how you are all going around and around?

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I really hope things settle down and you all can come to some resolution about the phone.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Lilacs]

All good points. Thank you.
BPDsis went NC with me in July.
I bought the phone in August for them bc they said they were willing to try it - and we were getting the phone for a much reduced price. Yes, I was pushing them to try it. I should have left it alone. But we have had my in laws on our phone plan for 10 years buying them stuff etc and I wanted to do something for my parents.

I wasn't looking at my moms messages except that I had her phone bc I was going to take it and give her a lesser model so I happened to have it. I have no intention of monitoring her phone, I don't even monitor my kids phones. But - I just couldn't resist telling my BPDsis to stop taking apps off that I had JUST put on there. See if we were in communication w each other this would be no problem but it is her request to go NC and so I very formally told her to leave the phone alone. "This phone is currently not in possession of the intended recipient of your message. Also, please refrain from making any further adjustments to this phone as you are not on the contract."  She called me weird, nasty and told me to get help.

Anyway, my parents give us all money and I can never get them anything interesting so I thought I would do this. I agree that her presence still sets me off so knowing she touched the phone and put some wallpaper on it bothered me to no end. But no need to delete apps I put on there for them w the excuse that they use up battery.

Maybe you are right. Mom sees the drama in it so maybe that is why she doesn't want to have it anymore. If sis would just talk to me it would not be an issue but she decided to go NC with me again and it hurts so much I can't stand the thought of her personal touch anywhere I can help it.

Thanks.

[Notwendy]

I would agree that what your mother doesn't want isn't the phone but the drama associated with it.

The Karpman triangle seems to be a common dynamic in families where there is a disordered person. Your mother may be playing her own role in this. Perhaps rescuing your sister from her own discomfort over the phone, or that your mother has just had enough of your sister's drama over it.

The triangle was a common dynamic in my FOO. BPD mother and father and kids made a triangle.

There is something about giving things to my father that set my mother off. I could give them joint gifts- but if I did something nice for him, even a small thing like buy his favorite ice cream when I visited, she would have a fit  and throw it out. Once I even sneaked a favorite treat to him so she wouldn't see it. My father had some things that I wanted as keepsakes to pass on to my children, and she would not let him give things to me.

I don't know what went on in her mind but I suspect that there was something about the act of giving my father something ( and vice versa) that set her off. It didn't have to be a $1000 phone. It could be a $5 carton of ice cream that did it.

This doesn't mean you can't do something nice for your parents. Maybe they would like something that isn't a permanent object like a phone. Maybe a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant or something like that that your sister wouldn't tamper with. Maybe your mom would like a gift certificate for a pedicure, etc.

[No-One]

Lilacs:
NotWendy brings up and interesting example.  Perhaps there is a bit of jealousy on your sister's part about you buying your mom such a nice gift. (doesn't want you to out do her? or your mom to show you attention regarding the phone) Also, telling her not to do something could have been viewed as a challenge to not comply.  It's very frustrating, but some people seem to delight in learning what might push your buttons and then go out of their way to push those buttons as much as they can.

[Lilacs]

Thank you for all the responses and insight.
BPDsis went NC with me in July after 2 years of low contact (NC started in 2012 then LC from 2015-2017). Now NC again. She involved parents all the time. I did not. This time I was fearful that she would tell them again but for about 3 months things have been fine.

Now with this phone and my request to leave it to me to adjust, I think BPDsis has told them that I have done xyz to her and harmed her in some way or whatever they will listen to. So once again like the last NC, I am the perpetrator and BPDsis is the victim and mom is the rescuer.

This time I think I am in a more stable place that I am ready to lose everyone.  BPDsis NC with me is actually a relief. I just didn't want mom to know bc I knew it was going to throw her into depression and make her and dad angry with me. I honestly don't want anything from them. Just my memories in the form of photographs.

I know now that getting them the phone, or rather trying to limit who adjusts it was a mistake. It was a strong trigger for me, reminding me of my sister's presence when I try so hard to forget about her.

Next step is how to tell my parents she went NC in July and I didn't tell them.
They will prob think I did something wrong instead of see that I was trying to protect them.  (She went NC bc she told me she was ready to talk and answer my questions, and when I asked her to meet she said she didn't need to anymore, I said someday I would love to meet maybe 2 or even 20 years from now, she went off and told me all I did wrong. I wrote back very matter of factly that I was not all good or bad, and it was a very complicated set of events... .someday my story would matter. / To which she replied "never text me, call me, email me or postal mail me again." )  So when I officially wrote "Please refrain for adjusting settings and apps... " She said "why can't you be normal? Why are you being weird and nasty and get the help you need."  (Expletive) what a mistake I made. Should never have texted her.

[Panda39]

Next step is how to tell my parents she went NC in July and I didn't tell them.
They will prob think I did something wrong instead of see that I was trying to protect them.

Why do you need to tell them this? To me this looks like you're jumping on the triangle... .

You are the victim, your sister is the persecutor, and you are looking to your parents to be rescuer (take your side in the conflict with your sister). Thus upping the drama.

NC is between you and your sister why involve your parents in the conflict?

Panda39

[No-One]

Lilacs:
Don't beat yourself up.  Your intentions were good.  You are only human and everyone gets angry at times and takes spontaneous actions, that they later regret (even without dealing with someone with a personality disorder).  Some people have success with a strategy of writing things out, when they are angry, but don't send it.  It might be an email draft, a text draft or in some other preliminary form.  Most often, by the next day or longer, they are usually glad they didn't deliver the email, text, etc.

Do you live close to both your parents and sister?

This time I think I am in a more stable place that I am ready to lose everyone.  BPDsis NC with me is actually a relief. I just didn't want mom to know bc I knew it was going to throw her into depression and make her and dad angry with me. I honestly don't want anything from them. Just my memories in the form of photographs.

Perhaps you might want to give yourself some time.  Then ponder over your options. This could be an opportunity to fine tune or learn some of strategies and communication skills discussed on this website.  I guarantee you that probably everyone here has had to lick their wounds, pick their self up, dust off and then try a new strategy at times.

 Do you really want to cut yourself off from your parents?  Having a discussion with your parents, using the SET (Support, Empathy and Truth) skill could be helpful.   The truth part would be your sister's BPD and associated behaviors (how it is challenging for you and that they aren't privy to the exact interactions that have occurred between the two of you). Perhaps with the Support and Empathy portion, you can express an understanding about how your parents might feel caught in the middle of things.

[Lilacs]

Thank you guys. For all of this.

Panda, I guess I don't need to tell them she went NC with me, but I have been fearful ever since then that she will tell them and again they will blame me. It's a terrible fear of mine. I am waiting for the day when they answer the phone in a different way and then I will know she told them something false about me and how I hurt her.

Hubby thinks I should tell them she went NC but just like she always involved them last time, I have chosen to not involve them this time. She. Would complain to them and then they would fight her battles. About everything "why weren't you there for her when she miscarried... .why did you talk like that to your sis... .you are a (expletive)" stuff that was so painful to hear. So I did not tell them. I don't know if she did. In the past I have been told they can talk like that to me bc they know I won't disown them. I think they will always see her as a victim and prob have guilt that she is the way she is bc of mom suddenly leaving and reappearing in her life bw 8-11 months of age due to post partum depression therapy. And in subsequent years "why can't you be like Lilacs... .she has her act together" kind of talk.

Well. I'm not telling them now, perhaps someday using empathy.

[Panda39]

Panda, I guess I don't need to tell them she went NC with me, but I have been fearful ever since then that she will tell them and again they will blame me. It's a terrible fear of mine. I am waiting for the day when they answer the phone in a different way and then I will know she told them something false about me and how I hurt her.

I know you don't want your parents to blame you for what is going on, but you know you did nothing so don't take on the blame for something you haven't done... .your sister will blame you because that is what she does that's what all people with (pwBPD) tend to do because they most often enter the triangle in that position... .victim, they can not accept responsibility for their own bad behavior, and your parents might blame you because it sounds like they are enabling your sister's bad behavior... .they are buying her victim status.  Your sister is using FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to get what she wants. She is using this when she gives you the silent treatment (which is what she is doing) and makes you feel guilty for her behavior and fearful that your parents will reject you.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I pulled an old discussion from another board on the silent treatment you might find interesting... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=38130.0


Don't take the blame for something you didn't do simply because others around you are acting in a dysfunctional way, and blaming you.  Don't own it.

I think they will always see her as a victim and prob have guilt that she is the way she is bc of mom suddenly leaving and reappearing in her life bw 8-11 months of age due to post partum depression therapy. And in subsequent years "why can't you be like Lilacs... .she has her act together" kind of talk.

BINGO!  Because of your mom already feels guilty your sister's FOG is probably very effective on your mom.

What do you think would happen if you just stepped off the drama triangle... .stop playing your roll(s).

What if you just tried to be more aware of the triangle when things heat up with your family? Kind of step outside the interaction you are having and look at it like an observer.  Where are you on the triangle?  How could you stop participating in the drama?  How can you take yourself out of the dysfunctional dance?  Be prepared too, if you do jump off the triangle the other members of the family will not like it, because you are not fulfilling your usual role that you play in the dysfunction.

The only person you can change in this scenario is yourself.  You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do.  So your parents and your sister will continue to do what they do.  You can choose to take yourself off the merry-go-round. Is your sister ever happy?  Is your mom ever not guilty?  Can you make someone feel something they don't feel?  They are responsible for their own feelings and you are responsible for yours.  Start putting your needs first and taking care of you that is who you are responsible for.

Panda39