Now after a year of NC I...Miss her terribly

[Aesir]

It has been one year since I decided to end things with my exgf. I knew her for a VERY long time but I finally saw what I refused to see earlier. She was emotionally abusive and seemed to only care about what she wanted and if I  couldn't GIVE her everything (no responsibility) I was a bad person. It took a while but I finally built up enough strength to walk away. Interesting enough she didn't even care enough to try to stop me after all of the years we were together. I saw that she was not the person that I thought or wanted to believe that she was.

Now after a year of NC I... .Miss her terribly. I know that I made the right decision but that does not change the way that I feel. I miss her but I also remember the abuse and the reason I left. I'm a very lonely person now and I feel that there is something broken inside me and don't really want to be bothered. I don't think I can love someone for so long like that again. I gave so much of myself and it was such a waste.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Aesir,

I am sorry for your pain. I feel absolute empathy and identification with you. In fact, I could have written this post it is so similar to my story. I have written one saying that my ex and I have had NC for 3 weeks. I was doing fine when I wrote the post just a few days ago but today I have been missing her deeply.

My ex and I are married to other people and I have known her for 15 years. When we first met she was married and I was single. She never mentioned she was married until I had travelled 200 miles from my home town to meet her. We slept together that night and I was smitten. She then spent the next few years giving me ST and running away form me. It all came to a messy and painful conclusion about 3 years later after her husband contracted throat cancer. By this stage I had been painted black but didn't protest when she ceased contact as I figured her husband needed her.

Fast forward to five years ago and I was now married (and still am) but in a sexless r/s. She contacted me and asked to meet up. I agreed as I had a powerful feeling that perhaps her husband had died. In fact he was fine and when we met up and she said she just wanted to get in touch again. It was clear she was bored in life.  I told her I had been in love with her all those years ago and she professed to be shocked and was charming and apologetic about the pain she had caused me. So we started an affair and the distancing, ST and painting me black happened all over again over the past five years and it hurt worse than ever.

I ceased contact with her last March as my mental health was deteriorating. She was keeping me at arms length and said her husband had discovered our affair. I didn't believe her and sensed it was a distancing technique and so walked away. She kept making contact after weeks of silence and I kept saying to her that I didn't want to see her unless she was going make me a priority. The next time I heard from her was a few months later when she reported that she had tried to take her own life and it was my fault. We had a few months of me supporting her through her mental health crisis (she suffers severe depression). She had successfully turned me from a lover into her counsellor, agony aunt, FB buddy - without making any commitment or giving me any time whatsoever.

The final straw came when she announced she was coming to my home town with her husband. I just said 'Oh.' She texted me that night to say I was clearly pissed off so she was going to bed. I told her I was beyond pissed off. Which meant it was more about our respective mental states than any r/s. She took it as criticism and didn't talk for five days. I then cut her off FB so I didn't have to look at her photo knowing she was with her husband (or was she?) in a hotel in my home town. She then had the cheek to text me after five days and complain about being taken off FB. I asked her what she expected? She told me I did it our of malice and when I responded by asking what she had been doing for the last 5 days there was no further contact.

Like you I miss my ex and yearn for her and also feel broken to some degree, though I am lucky in that I haven't destroyed my r/s with my wife and I am trying to reignite our sex life. But my ex was really one of the big loves in my life but it was painful from start to finish. I do not want to go back to her.

Perhaps in your case, you need to move on to discover your joi de vivre. When we have been so very attached to a woman who we feel is unique and special, it can be tremendously difficult to let them go. However, as both our stories indicate, the love is an illusion. In my case my ex gave all the appearances of being in love but was only ever interested in seeing me occasionally on her terms and only ever did things she wanted to do. In 15 years of knowing me, I showered her with poems, bought her a ring and told her often how much I loved her. She never once told me she found me attractive and one time when I had travelled 200 miles ot have a coffee with her, she sent me home on the next train as she said she couldn't think of what to do with me. That about sums up our r/s and I remember her lack of care/love/respect at times when I feel the yearning kicking in.

Go out and meet somebody else and embrace life. Hankering after a woman who broke your heart is masochism. I am lucky that I have my wife. There is a special woman out there for you too. Go find her.

RF

[vanx]

Aesir, I feel for you, and I miss my ex too after a year (I still see her at work). I want to challenge you on one thing you said, that giving yourself was a waste. I imagine many of us here gave too much in the sense that we need to protect ourselves better in the future from abuse, or maybe your ex didn't appreciate what you had to offer, but the love you have to give is a gift. Give yourself a little more time to heal.
I think you can definitely love again. My advice would be to take small steps right now to ease your loneliness. Remember there is a difference right now between what you want and what you need. If you can, spend time with friends or go to the gym. Treat yourself to some chocolate once in a while. Any little thing you can do for yourself is another step in the right direction. Learn to appreciate connections with the people around you. I understand where you're coming from, but this isn't about her anymore, man. It's about you and your life.
I can't speak for everyone, but I, like Romantic Fool, have come to see the connection I thought I had as an illusion in many ways (though I would say I still love her), but don't be afraid to give your love again, because someone you haven't even met yet is going to really cherish it.

[insideoutside]

It has been one year since I decided to end things with my exgf. I knew her for a VERY long time but I finally saw what I refused to see earlier. She was emotionally abusive and seemed to only care about what she wanted and if I  couldn't GIVE her everything (no responsibility) I was a bad person. It took a while but I finally built up enough strength to walk away. Interesting enough she didn't even care enough to try to stop me after all of the years we were together. I saw that she was not the person that I thought or wanted to believe that she was.

Now after a year of NC I... .Miss her terribly. I know that I made the right decision but that does not change the way that I feel. I miss her but I also remember the abuse and the reason I left. I'm a very lonely person now and I feel that there is something broken inside me and don't really want to be bothered. I don't think I can love someone for so long like that again. I gave so much of myself and it was such a waste.

It’s coming up for 8 months for me.  I miss my friend enormously because when we got on he was funny and witty and I know he found me the same.  Every time he tried to inject something else in to the friendship (intimacy but I’m married) or ask to meet up would seem to trigger him and the push/pull would kick in and our friendship would downspiral.  I said some truly nasty things back in March to make sure he would never contact me again, and he hasn’t.  I know it’s best without him in my life as he gave me huge anxiety but I can’t help miss that person who I took to my heart and wish I could had made things different for him.

[once removed]

hi Aesir,

this is really a testament that neither NC or time heal all wounds. i had an ex (not my upbdex) that seemed to haunt me many years after and it was only a three month relationship. its only relatively recently that i think ive resolved that. sometimes we get stuck or leave some wounds unresolved. and sometimes we just miss loved ones that once brought joy to our lives.

two questions:

Interesting enough she didn't even care enough to try to stop me after all of the years we were together.

did you break up with her with hopes that she would see the light and change?

have you seen a therapist to face and process your grief?

[Aesir]

hi Aesir,

this is really a testament that neither NC or time heal all wounds. i had an ex (not my upbdex) that seemed to haunt me many years after and it was only a three month relationship. its only relatively recently that i think ive resolved that. sometimes we get stuck or leave some wounds unresolved. and sometimes we just miss loved ones that once brought joy to our lives.

two questions:

did you break up with her with hopes that she would see the light and change?

have you seen a therapist to face and process your grief?

That first question is complex for me. I broke up with her because I had reached the breaking point but there was a small part of me that wanted some sort of validation. I guess I wanted her to take some responsibility in what happened. What I have gone back? No. On the second question I have not seen a therapist but I know I need to.

[Ragnarok4]

It has been one year since I decided to end things with my exgf. I knew her for a VERY long time but I finally saw what I refused to see earlier. She was emotionally abusive and seemed to only care about what she wanted and if I  couldn't GIVE her everything (no responsibility) I was a bad person. It took a while but I finally built up enough strength to walk away. Interesting enough she didn't even care enough to try to stop me after all of the years we were together. I saw that she was not the person that I thought or wanted to believe that she was.

Now after a year of NC I... .Miss her terribly. I know that I made the right decision but that does not change the way that I feel. I miss her but I also remember the abuse and the reason I left. I'm a very lonely person now and I feel that there is something broken inside me and don't really want to be bothered. I don't think I can love someone for so long like that again. I gave so much of myself and it was such a waste.

I can totally identify with what your going thru. Its the loneliness that really opens the doors of looking back into the past making you miss them so much. Realize that somehow you had the strength the leave when it was the absolute hardest. That takes a lot to do and this time of year is the loneliest for most of us on here. Remind yourself of the toxicity this person was to you and the moment you had the strength to walk away. What filled your cup in that moment and how did she make you feel during that time? Remind yourself.

Vanx has it right! It is a gift. A gift that God has given you to show you how real it is and now that you know, you can give it to the one he has meant for you. We all have gifts that we use for granted and don't know exactly where to turn with them. Now you know so don't throw it away.

If your wise and strong enough to walk away, can't you walk towards something that you know will take your gifts with grace and love?

[Bo123]

People who cheat on their bf/gf or wives, deserve a taste of their own medicine.  I have no sympathy for such low-life behavior or the excuses they create. Kharma is a B**** and when it comes around it can be a real MFer and I'm glad to see those who cheated get what they deserve.  Unless the person has severe BPD, it's a choice and statement that they don't have an ounce of morals.

[Lostinanother]

Bo,

I think you posted in the wrong thread, as your comment is completely unrelated to the opening post.