My BPD Mom almost ruined my brother's wedding Saturday

[MommyinTN]

My brother got married Saturday. Leading up to it was a total disaster, for me and my family of 3 particularly. She completely went off the rails. Wasn't speaking to me. And I dreaded this thing so much. But we went for my brother.

Mom started a fight with the bride and her parents after the rehearsal dinner. I had left already so all of this is just Mom's side of the story. But she wasn't speaking to any of them the day of the wedding and almost didn't show.

I'm so concerned for my brother... .some other things happened and were said, and I'm not so sure he's strong enough to stand up to Mom.

Any advice? Any similar experiences? I'm at a loss.

We are deep in counseling... .I just assumed Mom and I would be the worst drama at the wedding. And we weren't by a long shot.

[HappyChappy]

I am so sorry to hear about this. It must be very stressful, on what is already a stressful day. It is I’m afraid, standard BPD behaviour. Someone with BPD wants to be centre stage, so they get jealous of other peoples Birthdays or Weddings. So just like an 8 year old, they would rather wreck you day, than have attention taken from them. They also hate being abandoned, so here again a Wedding may trigger this.

That said, is it possible for someone to simply mind your mother, and make her feel super special on the day ? My sister simply didn’t invite our BPD mom, so that’s another way to go. Your BPD will kick off arguments, simply out of jealously or to get the attention her way. So all you can do then is medium chill, in that you don’t allow anyone to be drawn into the drama. Don’t react to it. There are techniques to help discuss with someone with BPD known as B.I.F.F and S.E.T. that may help here. These are ways of talking with someone, to get the best out of them. All my best, hope this helps.  

[Notwendy]

I know you feel badly for your brother, but I hope you will resist being his "rescuer" from your mother. I also took on this role in my FOO and it fueled the Karpman triangle. Your bother's wife and her family have likely made their minds up about her. Your mother may face the consequences of this behavior. Your brother may not be able to stand up to her, but I doubt your sister in law is going to sign on for more of this and may keep your mother at a distance.

[MommyinTN]

Thanks y'all. The wedding already happened, so the damage is done. I know she's responsible for her behavior. I'm just the oldest and the protector. But I can't protect him from her.

Just worried for him and here if he reaches out, I guess. I just can't get involved because I am hurt about what happened, too.

He moved from my parents' house to the girl's place. So that's part of the problem here, too. He's never had to do anything for himself. So it's going to be interesting.

[Notwendy]

He moved from my parents' house to the girl's place. So that's part of the problem here, too. He's never had to do anything for himself. So it's going to be interesting.


Be careful with your urges to rescue. I also took on the "rescuer" role in my family, but we are all adults now and that isn't appropriate. How we grew up in our FOO can influence our choice of relationships. It may be that your brother has found a wife who is also a caretaker. That's his relationship to deal with. It might be an enabling situation, but it may also be good for him if his wife supports his emotional growth. She might even help him stand up to your mother.

You can be a supportive sister- but his marriage and his relationship with his mother is his domain to figure out.

[MommyinTN]

I guess I'm not sure how being available to listen if he reaches out is being his rescuer? Am I supposed to ignore him?

I sure would have liked to have someone there for me this year. It's been hell. I can't rescue him, and I don't intend to. No one rescued me either.

[once removed]

hi MommyinTN,

its good to hear that youre in counselling. how is it going, can you tell us more? does it include your brother?

[Notwendy]

Being a supportive listener is fine. You shouldn't ignore him.

One definition of rescuing is doing something for him that he can do himself. Examples would be intervening between him and your mother, or trying to fix things between them.

I have a sibling who my mother is verbally abusive to. I wish he wouldn't take it but he also feels he can't stand up to her. My impulse is to call her up and tell her off for how she speaks to him or to intervene between them somehow. I have to hold back from this. He may have been little once but he's a grown adult.

However, I do listen to him and he listens to me sometimes. We support each other. We both have the same mother and we have shared similar experiences. I think it is good to have supportive siblings.

[MommyinTN]

Just my husband and I in counseling. We started in August knowing that the end of this year would be rough. It's going really well! She lets us guide the discussion and say what we need from her. She tends to know what Mom may do or say next ... .as surprising as some things have been to us, the counselor isn't surprised. And how often we meet is up to us and dependent on what we have going on, etc.

It's the first time I've been able to talk it ALL out, and I'm not sure how I would have made it without it, actually. It's been a lifesaver. Thanks for asking.

[once removed]

ive never seen a counselor but i imagine it must be so nice to sit down with an advocate who gets it. has she helped you with strategies or tools or is she primarily an outlet, or both?

[AskingWhy]

I m sorry to hear about this.  pwBPD always seem to pick the worst times to act out.

"Special occasions" might trigger some dysregulation in pwBPD.  There may also be some NPD there as the mother was not the center of attention as the occasion was about the bride and groom.

In any case, the wedding or something about the wedding--or even something that was misconstrued--could have triggered the episodes.

[MommyinTN]

She's helped with strategies, boundary building (more than we already had), anticipating what my Mom may do next, how we should cope as a family and a couple (have a very young child) and is an outlet.

I highly recommend counseling.

[MommyinTN]

I have always thought there was some NPD in there somewhere. My wedding was also the most stressful time of my life, as was having my daughter... .and now my brother's was even worse than my sister's, which was also a nightmare.

[bright_future_mama]

What is it with borderlines ruining weddings?  My mom ruined mine and almost ruined both of my sisters' weddings.  Come to think of it--any big event.  They cannot put their issues aside for someone else's big day.  My mom has ruined countless birthday parties, graduations, births... .I'm NC right now.

[Notwendy]

I think it is a combination of several things. I think it takes effort for them to keep their mask on. I know for my mother, she is concerned about how her FOO sees her, so everything has to be perfect and if anything isn't - she dysregulates. So if her FOO are invited she is stressed. ( I've been sent back to the store to get soup because the noodles in it weren't the right ones- as if anyone would notice or care).

Then there is the attention. My mother has acted up at my graduations, my kids' graduations and other celebrations.

She behaved beautifully at "my" wedding. It was actually her wedding. Most of the guests were her friends and family. I didn't even know some of them or who was on the guest list until I got there and it wouldn't have mattered anyway if I had discussed it as she would have invited whoever she wanted no matter what. She's an attractive lady and was absolutely stunning. My dad helped me get ready while she was off at the beauty spa. It's actually a happy memory as I preferred to have this moment with him and I have some wonderful pictures from that.

Family milestones are always a bit stressful in ways, so I imagine the emotions can get overwhelming.