Getting worse...

[Ontheriver]

Hello, I am new here and wanted to introduce myself.

I started in a relationship with my boss 6 months ago. I knew going in that he had issues with alcohol and drugs and possibly a mental al health issue of some kind... .however I had only heard of the behaviours second hand from others and since I had not been exposed to it directly, I fell in love with the person he was at work. He had loved me since he met and hired me 2.5 years ago. I ended up leaving my disfunctional marriage in January and 4 months later we got involved.

Things we're going very well for the first couple of months. He quit alcohol and cocaine before we started our relationship because he knew it wouldn't happen otherwise. He has always been completely open and honest with telling me about his past behaviours. He told me about past incidents where he was having suicidal feelings. He had spent a week in the psychiatric ward of the hospital in the closest city. I started to do some research into what his mental health issues really could be. 'Quiet' BPD describes him to a T, though he has not be officially diagnosed. We don't have the mental health resources required for an assessment/diagnosis where we live. He has been seeing a councillor every two weeks, quit smoking, and has been on Wellbutrin for the past 6 months. I don't find that the Wellbutrin has made much of a difference to him.

Up until about 1.5 months ago, I was able to deal with the episodes of disregulation that would happen once or twice per month. I had been reading books and made every attempt to not take the behaviour personally. I'm quite resolved to help him and love him the best way I can and try to understand what is happening in his brain and know that he is not in control of his emotions.

But in the last 1.5 months, things have escalated and gotten much worse. My 7 year old daughter needed surgery and her and I were in another city for that for a couple of weeks. We returned home for one day, only for her to have complications and need to travel back for another week and a half. During this time it was like he was going nuts. He could not handle us being gone at all and has been exhibiting signs of severe depression. He was journaling about wanting to die. If I didn't answer his texts right away it was the end of the world (even though I was dealing with my daughter in the hospital). On the second trip to the city, I had him come with us. He was fine until the morning we were leaving to catch our plane home and my daughter didn't want to get ready to go (who could blame her, it was 4am). He got extremely agitated and began to aggressively force her boots and coat on to her. She was terrified and kept saying her arm was hurt. I stepped in and said "STOP! NOT OK!" and he backed off but sulked for the trip home.

His episodes are happening less than a week apart now. The current one has lasted for three days and I don't even know what started it. He imagines that I treat him horribly. He imagines that I am arranging to cheat on him with every text that I check or that I plan to get back together with my ex husband if I communicate with him about our daughter. He aggressively demands that I answer yes or no questions. But my answers are never good for him. He is always threatening to leave me over minor things. Gives me the silent treatment. Says that I should not want him in my life. Then on a dime he will flip and I will be his Sun and moon. His 'soul mate'.

I love him... .when he is clear, he is so wonderful. He knows everything that he does is wrong and he is losing hope that he will ever get better. I am afraid that he will end up hurting himself. Or maybe even my daughter unintentionally. I want to help guide him in the correct direction to getting the help he needs but I feel like I am floundering. I'm not sure what to do anymore and feeling quite desperate.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Ontheriver

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering, I know mothers suffer double when a small child is involved. As in "I can take whatever, but I have to protect my child". At the same time you love this man, and you see him suffering and would love to take his suffering away, also.

You've been already reading about this (Which books?) So i'm sure you are familiar with many concepts already, check out the lessons on the right, even "veterans" need to refresh the basic concepts often, as common sense often lead us in different directions, and we forget what works and what doesn't in our situation.

I'm no doctor, but sound like he felt threatened by the illness of the girl. Even as they know it's wrong, they could feel abandoned when your attention goes elsewhere. It's not a rational thing, it's an instinct, they could be very angry at a person that dies, for leaving them (We understand this in a child, but not in an adult, but it happens). More importantly, he gets the idea that you are going to talk more to your ex. And having in mind that he thinks about himself that he is notihing, not worthy of your love, of course you are going to fall in love with your ex again and leave him. It's paranoid... .But it's absolutely real for him. And it hurts as if you alredy did that. When they can adknowledge that it's all in their heads, they feel ashamed of being so "damaged", they will cal themselves "ridiculous, crazy, nuts... ." and worse things. That tells them again they are unworthy, and the cycle starts again.

I hope you can tell us a little more:

- Is he also thinking it's BPD or he's feeling "somehitng is worng with me" but he doesn't know what? He sounds intelligent, do you think he could benefit from knowing?

My Gf is also the quiet type, and she's making progress on her own, as DBT is not available where we live, either. Sh e was hurt by the diagnosis first, and scared... .But after a while, it was very positive to know that there are things to do to improve. He already improved by quiting drugs and alcohol, that's huge, and it was a defense mechanism for him, a way to avoid the pain, that he now doesn't have.

- Do you know about his past? How's his relationship with his family of origin?
- How was his relationship with your daughter before this incident?
- Has he been jealous before?

Check out this lesson about jealousy:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

What do you want about this relationship going forward?
Going through the bocks, to me there are some concepts I don't wholy grasp, but I got them better after reading examples by members here. Do you have any doubts?

We are here to listen, and we've been there, we are there. There is hope. I hope we keep hearing from you.