Two weeks later - so much sadness

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Hi all,

It's been almost two weeks now since the big fight and the moment I ended the relationship.
I feel really depressed at this moment. I haven't slept well for weeks, I called in sick for work yesterday cos I feel like all the tension and stress that has been building up in me finally went out Sunday night. Kinda felt anxious as well in bed, just trembling all over  
Although I asked for no contact (except for practical reasons - picking up his latest stuff from my home)  he keeps sending me messages. Everyday one in the morning. I think he's just trying everything in order to have a chance at restoring the relationship.

In the beginning he told he was sorry about everything, he would go in therapy. But now it's about how hard his life his, how much fun we had together. And today he asked whether there would be a change to have a relationship again after living separate. I don't know, probably not (maybe if he goes in therapy and we meet again in a few months... .but I cannot be responsible for his own healing at this point).

Yesterday I told him I did not want to have this kind of messages again. So I think I'm not gonna reply to his latest message. At this moment I cannot handle all these questions. It's too late now.  All I try is to find a way to heal myself and get better ... .But he just won't leave me alone.

I try to be strong an grieve about losing him. I still miss him a lot. But this way he keeps getting stuck in my mind... day and night I rethink the whole situation... .discussions with myself. I am tired and unhappy. I just can't have him make me want to help him again. It's always about him.

Anyway, I try real hard to heal myself. My family visits me a lot, I visit them. Friends come over and cook dinner for me. This weekend I'll visit a friend in Norway.

I hope I feel a bit happier and stronger soon. I never thought it would be this hard to loose someone you love so much, but is not meant for being together with... .

[Maya60]

Hi all,

It's been almost two weeks now since the big fight and the moment I ended the relationship.
I feel really depressed at this moment. I haven't slept well for weeks, I called in sick for work yesterday cos I feel like all the tension and stress that has been building up in me finally went out Sunday night. Kinda felt anxious as well in bed, just trembling all over  
Although I asked for no contact (except for practical reasons - picking up his latest stuff from my home)  he keeps sending me messages. Everyday one in the morning. I think he's just trying everything in order to have a chance at restoring the relationship.

In the beginning he told he was sorry about everything, he would go in therapy. But now it's about how hard his life his, how much fun we had together. And today he asked whether there would be a change to have a relationship again after living separate. I don't know, probably not (maybe if he goes in therapy and we meet again in a few months... .but I cannot be responsible for his own healing at this point).

Yesterday I told him I did not want to have this kind of messages again. So I think I'm not gonna reply to his latest message. At this moment I cannot handle all these questions. It's too late now.  All I try is to find a way to heal myself and get better ... .But he just won't leave me alone.

I try to be strong an grieve about losing him. I still miss him a lot. But this way he keeps getting stuck in my mind... day and night I rethink the whole situation... .discussions with myself. I am tired and unhappy. I just can't have him make me want to help him again. It's always about him.

Anyway, I try real hard to heal myself. My family visits me a lot, I visit them. Friends come over and cook dinner for me. This weekend I'll visit a friend in Norway.

I hope I feel a bit happier and stronger soon. I never thought it would be this hard to loose someone you love so much, but is not meant for being together with... .

[so_overit]

I hope I feel a bit happier and stronger soon. I never thought it would be this hard to loose someone you love so much, but is not meant for being together with... .

Oh Maya. How I know this feeling. Oh yes. The love of my life turns into someone we fear in our home. 12 years of marriage, kids, etc. I still long for the early years when things were good. It does hurt so much.

You are lucky to have friends coming around... .it will get easier, but now it doesn't probably feel like that.

[vanx]

I'm sorry for the depression and stress you are experiencing. I'm sure you want relief, but also I think what you're going through is really normal. I know I felt depressed after my breakup. It's pretty exhausting to have something like this occupying your mind, but it is also useful to reflect on things and learn from them.
Whatever the future holds, what you are going through right now is temporary. It sounds like he is not respecting your wish to have no contact, so personally I think it is totally ok to ignore further messages. What I'm hearing is that not having contact is important for your healing, and I think that makes a lot of sense.
I also hear a lot in your post that you are trying and putting energy into healing and being strong. I would also gently say please allow yourself too to not be strong, to feel sad or whatever it is you are feeling.
It is incredibly hard to lose someone you love, and it takes time to heal, but you definitely will. Keep spending time with loved ones and take good care of yourself.

[Maya60]

Hi So Overit and Vanx,

Thank you so much for your caring and helpfull replies. Makes me feel better

Since two days I started feeling a bit better. Still have some moments that I miss him a lot. But I start to really see I made the right choice.

I did something others might find a bit odd or so...  But I talked on facebook to his ex. They have been together for nine years and have two kids. She's a sweet girl and I never really talked to her. I did notice my ex always reacted agitated when she asked him something very common.
She once thanked me on facebook messenger for letting her into my house when the kids were visiting for the first time.
I asked her if she'd be open for helping me with some questions about him.
We will grab a cup of coffee soon,but I already know now that he never changed and never will change. She faced the same issues as I did and it made me realize I made the right decision. Even with two kids he couldn't fix his former relationship. And after two years together with me, he has been through zero self development and no self reflection about his actions either.

The talk helpen me make a step towards healing

[moscas]

Hang in there  
I think it's a good idea to meet up with his ex. It can give you some perspective and help with the healing.
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. It's hard, your brain recycles and can't let go, even when you know you've made the right decision. I still struggle with a lot of these feelings after 2 months of no contact (in my case he has a restraining order and I'm pretty sure that's what makes NC possible on his end).
I wish you much luck in recovering and hope that you feel better soon!

[Roma]

hi Maya,
Tonight it is exactly one week since I ended my relationship with my BPD partner. He was doing his usual berating me for how one tiny remark of mine showed how little faith I had in him and how I obviously regarded him as an idiot and he couldn't stand it any more and was going to go home (we lived separately and were at my house). I called his bluff and helped him gather up his stuff and drove him, in silence, over to his place. As I expected he phoned me a couple of times the next day to see if I meant it when I said I wanted to end the relationship. To be fair, it's understandable that he might not take it seriously given that we have recycled so many times, with gaps ranging from 10 minutes to a couple of days at most. He has always played on my vulnerability and guilt to get things "back to normal".
I have spent the past week feeling possibly every emotion it's possible to feel - from relief to anger to shame to sadness to regret and a lot of pain and confusion. He said he would most likely be phoning me again, so we could work through the pain and shock we were both feeling - or something like that. I have been a bit on tenterhooks wondering when he'll call and actually, bizarrely, missing him when he didn't call. I know that actually having no contact is the best thing for me, but I can't help feeling that it's actually a little game he's playing, perhaps to "starve me out" and get me to contact him.
I'm finding it so hard to stay strong and focus on my recovery. I'm feeling physically exhausted, probably from the amount of effort I've put in for 8 years trying to hold everything together and be patient and understanding.
I found it really helpful to read the "Lessons" that are posted on the right hand side of this website - to quote one bit, "You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned." Well, I blushed! This was exactly my thinking. Slowly over the last few days I'm getting through my denial of how things have been between us.
No Contact is hard, but I realise now it's very necessary at least for a while. I think you're right in your decision not to reply to his messages. You are under no obligation to do so and you need the space for your healing right now. I've found, like you, that seeing friends and doing things for ourselves is a good way to go.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for how utterly confusing this grieving process was going to be. Very best wishes to you.

[vanx]

I don't think it's so weird to reach out to his ex. Maybe it could help you feel understood. I know when my relationship ended, I didn't think other people could understand why it was so hard for me, because they hadn't seen the other side of my ex, or the confusing, intense relationship we had.
Of course, people on these boards understand too. It's only natural to miss someone you were in a relationship with. Despite the issues, I'm sure there are happy memories too. I would not want to be in a relationship with my ex (I think she had trouble accepting responsibility too), but we did have some things in common that I see as positive, such as a sense of humor, and we did have some good times. Anyhow, you sound like you are handling things really well for the breakup being so fresh.

[so_overit]

I had a boyfriend once, who was soo into me, really made me feel super special, until I committed to the relationship. He then became sort of aloof, it was very interesting. I was out one night and met his ex-girlfriend. We ended up in a conversation and I found out that was his MO, be really into girls until they like him back, then he's over it. I was so happy to talk to her, because I just felt better knowing it wasn't me. I'm starting to realize I'm a bad man-picker!

[Maya60]

hi Maya,
Tonight it is exactly one week since I ended my relationship with my BPD partner. He was doing his usual berating me for how one tiny remark of mine showed how little faith I had in him and how I obviously regarded him as an idiot and he couldn't stand it any more and was going to go home (we lived separately and were at my house). I called his bluff and helped him gather up his stuff and drove him, in silence, over to his place. As I expected he phoned me a couple of times the next day to see if I meant it when I said I wanted to end the relationship. To be fair, it's understandable that he might not take it seriously given that we have recycled so many times, with gaps ranging from 10 minutes to a couple of days at most. He has always played on my vulnerability and guilt to get things "back to normal".
I have spent the past week feeling possibly every emotion it's possible to feel - from relief to anger to shame to sadness to regret and a lot of pain and confusion. He said he would most likely be phoning me again, so we could work through the pain and shock we were both feeling - or something like that. I have been a bit on tenterhooks wondering when he'll call and actually, bizarrely, missing him when he didn't call. I know that actually having no contact is the best thing for me, but I can't help feeling that it's actually a little game he's playing, perhaps to "starve me out" and get me to contact him.
I'm finding it so hard to stay strong and focus on my recovery. I'm feeling physically exhausted, probably from the amount of effort I've put in for 8 years trying to hold everything together and be patient and understanding.
I found it really helpful to read the "Lessons" that are posted on the right hand side of this website - to quote one bit, "You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned." Well, I blushed! This was exactly my thinking. Slowly over the last few days I'm getting through my denial of how things have been between us.
No Contact is hard, but I realise now it's very necessary at least for a while. I think you're right in your decision not to reply to his messages. You are under no obligation to do so and you need the space for your healing right now. I've found, like you, that seeing friends and doing things for ourselves is a good way to go.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for how utterly confusing this grieving process was going to be. Very best wishes to you.

Hi Roma
So you also made the most difficult decision ever and ended it. Yeah, all those mixed emotions will drive you crazy in this first week.

So no more recycling this time... What was the moment that made you realize to stop this relationship?

I never knew I could feel so much mixed feelings... .I also learn about myself I guess. I've never put so much love and effort into someone else. Wish things ended different.

Hope we will both feel more at ease in a few weeks

[Maya60]

I had a boyfriend once, who was soo into me, really made me feel super special, until I committed to the relationship. He then became sort of aloof, it was very interesting. I was out one night and met his ex-girlfriend. We ended up in a conversation and I found out that was his MO, be really into girls until they like him back, then he's over it. I was so happy to talk to her, because I just felt better knowing it wasn't me. I'm starting to realize I'm a bad man-picker!

Ha, yes the ex might already know everything we did not want to see in our former partner.
I hope I can learn from here when we meet up.

[Maya60]

I was away for a few days and I did not receive any messages from him. He picked up his stuff Friday and it all looked well here.

I texted him saying thanks for picking up the last pieces of his stuff and leaving my home in a good way. He asked me to call him, so I did. Felt very awkward, but I think it went well.
He tried to bring up the relationship saving part again, but I calmly replied we have been over this and I find it a very difficult subject to discuss since we both are still healing from it all.
He misses me, etc etc, but no reflection on his contribution to it all.

We talked about some casual stuff. What we did this weekend and where he lives now. He is at his sisters place, so I feel better knowing he's in a good place. I shouldn't worry, but I do care.
He sounded a bit nervous though, but I'm glad we had a rather casual talk... .This way it would make things easier if we bump into each other one day.

But the relationship part is not to discuss for me. I told him we can talk about it when we are both over it and reflect in an objective way.
Dont see that happening though soon. Not necessary either...

[Maya60]

I was away for a few days and I did not receive any messages from him. He picked up his stuff Friday and it all looked well here.

I texted him saying thanks for picking up the last pieces of his stuff and leaving my home in a good way. He asked me to call him, so I did. Felt very awkward, but I think it went well.
He tried to bring up the relationship saving part again, but I calmly replied we have been over this and I find it a very difficult subject to discuss since we both are still healing from it all.
He misses me, etc etc, but no reflection on his contribution to it all.

We talked about some casual stuff. What we did this weekend and where he lives now. He is at his sisters place, so I feel better knowing he's in a good place. I shouldn't worry, but I do care.
He sounded a bit nervous though, but I'm glad we had a rather casual talk... .This way it would make things easier if we bump into each other one day.

But the relationship part is not to discuss for me. I told him we can talk about it when we are both over it and reflect in an objective way.
Dont see that happening though soon. Not necessary either...

Okay... I did not sleep too well actually cos talking to him apparently did more to my overactive brain than I expected.
Better continue the NC... .

[Roma]

So no more recycling this time... What was the moment that made you realize to stop this relationship?

Hi Maya
I've been asking myself that question, too. We've been through so many rows that led to either me saying I wanted to end it and couldn't stand any more or him saying he was going to pack his things and go home. Usually, at the point of actually leaving all the questions and playing on the uncertainties arose and we would end up staying together, maybe with some kind of agreements (which got swiftly forgotten) or just deciding to "get back to normal".

We had a semi-serious breakup exactly a year ago which lasted a few days, but he persuaded me back. I've felt fairly unhappy, or more so, since then, but hoping I could improve things. Finding this group and various books and realising it was most likely BPD have helped a lot. I've been making even greater efforts to use the kind of tools I learned about here to help the relationship, but the best I could manage was remembering to walk away when things were getting more heated and circular in a row. I was lucky enough to get hooked up with a very nice counsellor via our local Carers' Centre. I've been seeing her since June and it was probably just hearing myself saying the same things every week and seeing how stuck and unhappy I was that began to help me out of denial. I've seen her once since the break up and was hoping to have a session today, but she called in sick. She's been very supportive and non-judgemental and not pushed me to any decision (which I would have been very defensive about).
I must admit I was pretty surprised and shocked that I seem to have definitely ended it now, after so much recycling. I'm sorry not to be seeing my counsellor today, as I still need a lot of support to stay strong and not call him. Reading and writing on this site is definitely hugely helpful. Sorry for writing at such length, but it is very therapeutic!
Things will get better for both of us before too long, I'm sure. 

[Maya60]

Hi Roma 
I love reading your story you're going through the same phase as I am right now.
I did not went to a therapist but did contact my former one for a session. Lots of friends and my family always heared me saying the same things like you mention. They saw me fading away into a person who's only busy pleasing her partner.

Yesterday i talked with his ex in a bar. It was a bit odd first, but it turned out we get along very well  so we're gonna hang out soon as friends (who would have guessed that huh?)
I finally heared her part of the story and it was really bad... .I felt very shocked and sorry for her. Turned out he completely neglected his responsibility as a father for his children and a man for his ex. Really awful to hear...

He texted me again. Asking whether we'll be together again one day. I replied chances are very low on that.
Then he send me an awful text about how he deserved better cos he did so much for me, more than he ever did to his exes (well... he did improve maybe a liiiitle bit compared to his former relationship). And other people could tell him he's a very nice person.
So, the man tries to feel no blame whatsoever. Me being the mean person who left him because of a few normal discussions... . 

I blocked him on whatsapp now.