Healing at one's own pace

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Friends, I read an interesting Op-Ed piece by Diana Nyad in today's NYT, in which she discussed the after-effects of a sexual assault by her swimming coach.  She writes:

I refuse to believe it’s a lifelong imprint, yet, with age 70 in clear view, I admit to wondering whether I will ever entirely heal that young girl who was pinned down.
Tell your story. Let us never again be silenced.

I feel somewhat the same about my experience as an abused spouse in a long-term marriage to a pwBPD, which is one of the reasons why I continue to post here long after separating from my BPDxW.  I share my story because for years I covered up the abuse by remaining silent about it.  Meanwhile, I rationalized it and made excuses for it in my head.  No more.

I've healed and grown, and am in a healthy r/s with a kind and considerate SO, yet BPD continues to leave a lasting imprint on me.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, I read an interesting Op-Ed piece by Diana Nyad in today's NYT, in which she discussed the after-effects of a sexual assault by her swimming coach.  She writes:

I refuse to believe it’s a lifelong imprint, yet, with age 70 in clear view, I admit to wondering whether I will ever entirely heal that young girl who was pinned down.
Tell your story. Let us never again be silenced.

I feel somewhat the same about my experience as an abused spouse in a long-term marriage to a pwBPD, which is one of the reasons why I continue to post here long after separating from my BPDxW.  I share my story because for years I covered up the abuse by remaining silent about it.  Meanwhile, I rationalized it and made excuses for it in my head.  No more.

I've healed and grown, and am in a healthy r/s with a kind and considerate SO, yet BPD continues to leave a lasting imprint on me.

LuckyJim

[itgetsbetter94]

LJ, my relationship and engagemeng with pwBPD was very intense, dramatic and short lived, and though it lasted only for couple of months, I feel it changed me for good. I will never be the person I was before.
I'm seeing the therapist for the first time in my life.
I ruined the previous relationship and engagement when I met my ex with BPD. My life as I imagined to be for the last 5 years is over. I'm all alone and starting from the scratch.  I have very few friends. My life at this point is pretty sad and miserable, without much to look forward to.
I hope everything will in time sit in its place. I will finish uni, meet more people, find someone healthy to love... .those things are my goal now.

[chillamom]

I don't think I will ever entirely heal. I spent over 8 years with my diagnosed BPDex, and really it's been nearly a decade since I first met him and every day my thoughts are still wrapped up in the situation even though I left him last December (brief recycle in the summer).  I think the wounds from the emotional and verbal abuse go very deep, and I find myself having just turned 60 and wondering if I will ever have any semblance of a relationship again.  I'm too scared to try.  I don't meant to sound like a victim, other aspects of my life are quite good.   I just bitterly, bitterly regret my time spent with this man, and despite what I have learned about myself in the process, they are lessons I never wanted to encounter.

[valet]

This is an interesting topic for discussion Jim. When I think about the past, it's almost startling how fast all of this time has gone by. I've been broken up from my BPD partner for almost 3 years, and haven't talked to her in nearly 1.5!

Still, my honest self-assessment tells me that in some ways I am permanently different now, and that I've lost time and choices that I can't get back. I guess I feel pretty indifferent about these things, or at least that I am not in pain anymore, and agree with the article in the sense that these things take however long they take.

I try to examine the situation like this: when I met my BPD partner I was very immature emotionally. I am not so much that way anymore. I plan better, understand people more, and am not afraid to make choices for myself. Maybe this is a bit different from my old gunslingin' days, when life seemed like a rollercoaster ride and I was either elated or completely down in the dumps. Growing comes at the cost of losing those intense highs (that feel amazing!) and lows (that feel terrible!).

For me it's about reconciling the fact that those feelings are the result of irresponsible behavior, taking that knowledge, then moving forward knowing that I'm working towards something bigger now.

[MeandThee29]

I grew up in a home with a narcissistic mother and a passive father. I was 18 when I realized that, and 30 before I felt I could pick someone for marriage.

I married a borderline. Granted, he was high-functioning for some time. We had our careers and managed. But over time it became a nightmare. Twenty-five years later, he lives in another state. The other day he emailed, asking my thoughts on reconciliation. I replied, reminding him that he had committed to counselling. Not because he is going to do that and have it help, but because I wanted it clear that I'm not working one-on-one on reconciliation. I had to put it back on him. My therapist already predicted this, and that's what we worked out.

My own therapy is agony. I go because I want to work on this, but I'm realistic. I can get better, but I'll never be the same. The therapist is encouraging and says that I just have to make a new version of myself. That's a more hopeful view that keeps me going.

[Pretty Woman]

These experiences definitely shape us. It's a traumatic experience for many. I know for me, I hadn't dated much which was probably part of the issue. I do not have a lot of examples in my life of what a "happy and healthy" relationship is. It's a very distorted view.

I am surrounded by a lot of dysfunction!
My best friend and her husband live in different states and date other people. My father married his best friend's girlfriend and my mom and my aunt are twins married to brothers. My uncle cheated on my aunt with my mother and they are all ok with it.

I know this is NOT normal. Unfortunately their acceptance of these situations made me very lax in my own personal boundaries.

All this happened YEARS before I even met my ex, but this all happened when I was young and I saw it as my "" norm.

I am actually grateful for the experience of dating my ex. Had you asked me three years ago I wouldn't have said that. I did not deserve to be treated like garbage... .I let her words, her opinion define me... .

Yet the key word here is: ALLOWED

We can blame our exes all we want. We can blame them for our RO's, for leaving, for lying for cheating... .
but when it comes down to it... .if we allowed them back. If we did not set personal boundaries for ourselves... .we can't put the full blame on them.

It really isn't fair.


I am sure some of you are reading this and vehemently disagree with me. Hopefully, years from now you will see the same. No one heals in the same timeframe. Sometimes we need to go through more shi_ to say, enough is enough and turn within for the answers.

One of my favorite quotes: "Every flower must go through dirt".

Think about that one for a bit. 

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, Thanks for your thoughtful replies:

I feel it changed me for good. I will never be the person I was before.

I don't think I will ever entirely heal.

my honest self-assessment tells me that in some ways I am permanently different now,

I can get better, but I'll never be the same.

These experiences definitely shape us.

Agree with all: I'm a different person after emerging from a long-term marriage to a pwBPD.  Had I not gone through that ordeal, I doubt that I would be in the healthy r/s that I am today with a kind and caring SO.  Though the price was high and the scars seem more or less permanent, I know myself better today, which is a good feeling.

LuckyJim